Selfworth, Parenting, Marriage

Well, you've invested a lot into the marriage and kids and now you are tired and depressed. I think you should seek some medical advice rather than throwing in the towel after doing such a great job taking care of such a demanding crew. It sounds like you need a vacation so you can re-group. It's obvious that your family is becoming unhappy with you because what used to be something you did out of love has now become a chore and they are all feeling bad because you are not happy. When Momma's not happy nobody is. Tell hubby that you are just so overwhelmed and you really dont want to feel this way anymore and you want to get some help. You have to take care of yourself or you cant take care of your family.... you are seeing that. If you could go away for a week or two you would probably feel so much better to get back home to take care of all those that will miss you tremendously. You need an ongoing outlet each week where you have time for yourself. Promise yourself that you will start being better to yourself, and the rest wont seem so horrible anymore.
Prayers to you for strength.

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Sorry you are going through this-you have every right to be hurt and upset. But-from the way it sounds this will be the best thing to happen to you. You were NOT happy in your situation. This is your way out of it. Your husband sound like a loser to be perfectly honest-you are best far away from him. And-it is NOT vindictive to take what is rightfully yours. You need to see a lawyer or talk to someone at a non-profit that helps women about what your rights are and then USE THEM! You do know that your husband would be "vindictive" towards you don't you? He would and he is. By not being there for you he is telling you all that you need to know. In a couple years you will probably look back at this as the start of your new life and with relief that you are out of that hellish situation.

Seek assistance from family and friends....I think he has to pay spousal support, especially if you've been a SAHM for the past seven years. Get you and your son a 2 bedroom apartment and find a job ASAP. Then move out and go from there.

You got good answers. If you can swing it, take a break for a week or two away from the situation to regroup. During this time do some deep down soul searching as to what YOU want to do with your life and how you are going to do it. Also look at the situation, is there a way to change any of it? Can the older children fend for themselves more? Do you have to always lay out your husband's clothes for the next day? That sounds like would you would do for a child. If you do decide to stay and get a job, the first night he comes by to talk to you put him out of the business. Tell him in firm terms that this is your place of employment and that he needs to leave and not come back. His feelings will be hurt but you don't go to his job and hang around talking about the family. Perhaps you should and he would get to know how that feels.

If you feel you are done with the fork in you done then you know what you must do and do it methodically and planned out. No one should be a doormat for another person and taken for granted. Life is too short.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

While you've been taking care of everyone else, no O. has been taking care of YOU--including YOU! When's the last time you did something that you really wanted to do--with or without another member of your family?

You simply can't burn the flame at that intensity for so long without burning out. And it sounds like you are plain burned out.

Counseling would be a good place to start, I think, before you chuck it all!

I just want to give you a hug! It sounds like you are having a lot of anxiety, and there is a lot going on! I think you should start seeing a counselor, you personally, and be sure you get some private time just for yourself each week.

You could go get a massage or go to a movie or just go to the library and read for an hour... just have some time to yourself where you decide NOT to worry about everyone else for an hour! Even your kids and their issues are not going to blow up the house if you do that each week.

Your husband's unhappiness and desire for a divorce sound like HIS personal issue to me. I have been divorced- don't allow it to color your perception of yourself!! I didn't own anything either in our marriage, except the car, but I left anyway, and although my son (who was 4 at the time) and I lived in a little one bedroom apartment for 3 years- it all worked out FINE. Now I am married again to a wonderful responsible man who is a great stepfather and live in a house... it will ALL work out in the end, trust me, no matter what happens!

It sounds to me like your entire family could benefit from some family counseling as well. Just that time together could be helpful and it sounds like your husband needs to be more involved in the day to day stuff- not just his job, no matter how important or difficult it is. This is a group effort- you have been carrying the ball most of the time- it's time to pass it off to your team members once in a while.

Things are never going to be 'perfect'. But they can be better for you and your family and easier on all of you. Talk to your husband about these things right away- don't let them get worse. If you need to, write down a detailed list of EVERYTHING you have been doing to care for him and the family, etc. Explain that you love your family- but you can't handle the amount of pressure currently on you!

There is truth to the saying 'If momma isn't happy, nobody's happy'! You need to be taken care of and take care of yourself so that you can be the best, strongest mother and wife to the rest of your family. Show your family your own self- respect and care and set THAT example for the kids too.

A lot of this is going to be very difficult for you to do if your husband won't cooperate and is set on divorce. But- if it does go that way, do NOT let him scare you or bully you. Being grouchy and having your teenage stepdaughter complain about you is not really grounds for divorce, lol. Again, it sounds like this is about him- he only wants to complain about how you are- not do anything to help with the situation!

Go speak with a lawyer. I am not sure how old your son or youngest step daughter are, but if you did end up divorcing, it would be likely that you would be able to get custody of them, at least jointly. For the older kids- I don't want to be mean, but it sounds like it is about time THEIR FATHER actually had to deal with them and their problems and not just go to his job and complain about how YOU handle them all the time. Likely it would be a real eye-opener for him.

Decide if you would want to stay in the home or move out- if you have shared the family home for many years, you are entitled to share of the equity in it, whether your husband sells it or not. You have given up your time and energy to care for HIS children- I am not saying you didn't do it willingly, etc. but the court will acknowledge that and you deserve financial recognition for it if your husband divorces you.

Get legal advice on the divorce issue and don't be bullied. When a vindictive husband wants to divorce you, you can't believe anything he says about what you can't do or what he doesn't have to pay you, etc. he is just speaking out of anger and selfishness- talk to an attorney who REALLY knows what he is talking about.

Good luck-this family is so very fortunate to have you. Go get some counseling and take good care of yourself!

I am so sorry to hear this!! You've given a lot to your husband and children and you deserve something. I'd speak to an attorney and have him sort this out for you. Also, you might benefit from counseling. Just someone you can trust to get this off your chest. Good luck to you!! HUGS!!!!

I agree with Grandma TM - it's worth it to try to work through these problems first, but realize that if the other partners in this (your husband, child & stepkids) won't work with you, you may need to get out.

Maybe you could sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband and kids. Sit down and let them know where you're coming from. Don't be accusatory at all, but use "I" statements, and do take responsibility for how you are acting by saying something like, "I know you have all noticed how crabby/unpleasant, etc. I've been these last few years." then let them know that you are not happy, and that you're asking for their help---just as you have helped them. It takes work on everyone's part for a family to stay a family, and everyone in the family has jobs and can contribute to the family. Start small, by asking for their help with some things (like maybe a rotating schedule of doing dishes/laundry/minor cleaning).

Or, if that is too daunting, sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Before you do, do put together a list of what you do: your job as a mom/homemaker. It is a job, and if you can list all the things you do, and how much time it takes, and how much it would cost for someone else to do it, it may help to get a perspective. Then, let him know that you are unhappy, and ask him to help you with actions -- if he's a decent guy, he'll want to "fix" this for you, so try brainstorming things that might help. Again, don't be accusatory, but do let him know that you want/need his help and that you do love him.

Counseling may also be a really big help, since it sounds like you are really depressed and very stressed. See if you can get your husband to go, but if not, go for yourself.

Also, I think that you should find something that you're interested in and do something for yourself. It's amazing how taking just a little time for yourself, to do something fun or that you're interested in, can be hugely revitalizing. I just started taking a class through the rec center and even though it's a huge pain to schedule childcare each weekend (even for the hour of the class itself), it has been so worth it to do something for me. :) Start going to church or volunteering, if you're not sure where to start. Start developing outside interests and friends--this can help tremendously.

If you still have any small spark of love for your husband and your kids/stepkids, try to work with through this. But also know that if they aren't willing to work with you, then you need to get a lawyer and separate/divorce anyway. But at least then, you'll know you did what you could to try to work things out.

Lastly, if it comes to it, you have worked very hard over the years for your family, and for your husband, so you do deserve to get what you can legally and fairly. I'm not saying to take him to the cleaners if you decide to end the marriage. But I am saying that I've had friends who gotten divorced and their good nature (or their depression, or both) got them taken advantage of and they were basically left with nothing but the shirts on their backs, even though they deserved more. So, if you decided to divorce, get a lawyer and do it before you tell your husband that you're going to, because it sounds like right now, your husband is not feeling particularly compassionate or fair, and he really won't be if you tell him you have a lawyer, probably.