Selfish Husband... - Centralia,WA

I think YOU need to take over the finances. No, he doesn't have the right to spend that much money on junk without consulting you, his partner in life.

It looks like he's buying these items used, at least the truck/cars. And as long as he's putting $ away for retirement as well, I don't think you should be complaining. You are able to stay home, he works full time for his family and provides fun activities for you to do as a family. He could be choosing to hang out with his buddies on the boat, ATV's and/or bar. I think you should be very grateful for what you have and unless he's putting you far into debt, you shouldn't complain about this.

Please don't ever think that you don't work and he does so he has a right to spend as he pleases. Think of it this way, if tomorrow he lost his job it would be you as a family that would suffer not just him. In our family all purchases over 100.00 for non-necessity items this means not the grocery bill, but this is still kinda covered because our budget is set for the month for it. All of those purchases have to be discussed. The conversation should go as follows to prevent it from being a I didn't get anything but you spent this. Questions to ask about a purchase that is not a need but a want.
1)Do we have a household budget in place that is currently covering all of the needs of the cost of running the house?
2)Are there things that we didn't think of that are necessities that we didn't budget for? such as dental visits, repair savings for household/cars/lawnmowers so that there is no surprise.
3) Have we set up an emergency fund that has 6 months worth of salary in it in the event of a layoff?
4) What were the unforseen expenses in the last year and the dollar amount, this needs to be added to our budget so that the money is there and we don't spend the emergency fund.
5)How will this purchase change my life, or hurt or help the goals of the family?
6) If all above are taken care of there is not reason for YOU or HIM not to splurge on something...once in a while.

You need to have a sit down with him, without children around and talk to him before he comes to you with the next purchase in hand. Let him know it hurts that he doesn't considered the security of the family before his recreational pleasures. It sounds as if he did lose his job tomorrow that there would be a severe lifestyle change, make a small adjustment now and you and he will never see that change.

I guess it depends on how well off you all are. Are you doing without the essentials because he is wasting it, or does he spend it wisely?

I agree that he should consult with you first, because that's just rude not to, but if I know anything about men, then he probably assumes that because hes the one working all day outside of the home, that he deserves it.

Make him stay home with the kids for a couple of days on the weekend alone, and let him see how much of a breeze it is for himself, I guarantee he will respect your role in your family a lot more. It's so irritating that so many men think that women staying home with the kids is like some fun easy stroll in the park kind of a job. At least they get to go home and relax at the end of the day.

I heard a man talking TO ME the other day about his wife, complaining that she's always too tired to have dinner ready when he gets home and about how she has the nerve to ask him for help once he gets home from WORK. I just wanted to shake the bejjeeesus out of him, but I just kept my mouth shut.

Do you guys have direct deposit? If you do, have the bank direct deposit a certain amount each time into savings. Each time you collect $1,000, have it placed in a CD.. . This way it goes directly into savings. You should have at least 6 months worth of savings. You never know what is around the corner.

You have 3 kids... How much are you putting away for college? Our daughter is in a private college and the bill for this upcoming year for tuition, room, board and fees, is $58,000. That is one child. One school year. This does not include health care, flight, books, other fees that may come up..

This is 2010, imagine what it will be when your children begin college in 15 years?

If our daughter were in State College here in Texas... Just the Tuition is $8000. for 2 semesters.. No room, board, fees, books, food, anything else..

There are only 2 of you that drive. How many vehicles do you have? How much car insurance are you paying for all of that. How much does it cost to insure the boat, fuel for the boat? 10 pair of 100 shoes? I have shoes, but I do not have 10 pair of $100. shoes.

There is something not right. He sounds like he is either addicted to spending or is bored and gets a thrill out of spending.

You need to take control of this before he spends all of the money on junk.
If he will not listen to you, it is time for marriage counseling. He sounds like he is going through a major mid life crisis and is out of control.

Hi J.,

It's amazing how the subject of money can get people riled up. And everyone has their own experiences to share...I've read that finances are a major fuel for marital stress and divorces.

First. Your family's income is your family's income. Not his and yours. His responsibility as the provider is to make sure your family's needs are met. Both with "stuff" and emotions. You have responsibilities as the caregiver, too. You are a team to make sure your family is healthy and happy. TOGETHER.

Second. If this issue is making you feel disrespected and disregarded, then it IS a marriage issue. Something for you and hubby to work on. TOGETHER!

Third. If you don't have a monthly budget, emergency savings or retirement plans, then you are NOT financially OK. You may not be drowning, but you're probably treading in deep water.

Fourth. TOGETHER, as a team, probably not setting the best example for your kids, since daddy buys big toys and mommy is always mad about it. What do you want your actions to teach them? TOGETHER!

Recommendation:
Send the kids away for a night and talk about it. Not nagging about "you spend too much money" but about how you see your financial future and about how you feel about the current situation (disrespected is HUGE). You two need to be on the same page about finances for your family's health. Be nice, but be blunt. Don't beat around the bush and imply that you're hurt. Say it directly. But don't accuse him of selfishness. He may not know how you really feel, especially if you've never brought it up in a serious way.

Then make a monthly budget, down to the penny. Monthly housing, food, utilities, medical...essentials go on the budget first. Then go important irregular things that have to happen (school supplies, auto registration, etc.). Then money for savings. Then "blow money." You don't have to take away all fun spending, but you need to agree, each month, on what (or at least how much) that will be, for each of you. If he wants a big toy, you talk about it together, save for it together and enjoy. There is some delayed gratification involved, but you'll make up for it in marital happiness.

BUT...If your family has debts--credit cards or auto loans or student loans--strongly consider how much risk you are in if something happens. What if he looses his job? What if someone in your household becomes seriously ill? How much more could you do if you didn't have monthly payments?

Check out the book: "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. You can borrow it from the library. Ramsey makes a huge case for making your family financially healthy. There are great tips for budgeting, working out how much you need to save to have a good retirement income, controlling spending, and freeing yourself from debt. Suggest reading it together. Even if you don't agree with everything it says, it will be a good starting point for conversation.

On the personal note, my husband and I have been working together on money for almost a year and a half (of our 7-1/2 year marriage). We haven't used a credit card since Feb. 2009, because we've budgeted everything together.He's a spender, and I'm a saver, so we haven't always seen eye-to-eye. It takes away so much tension to know exactly how WE are spending (his) income before we do it. One of the best moments was Christmas shopping last year--we'd created a little savings account for gift money that we contribute to every month. We knew exactly how much we could spend because the money was there and ready to go! No worries! We've still got a long haul before we're in the place where we want to be (paying off all our debts, 6 mos. of living expenses in savings for emergencies, down payment for a house, expanding retirement and college savings...), but we're working on it TOGETHER.

Best wishes!

I have changed my mind on what I wanted to say to you about this situation about 6 times, as I read the responses from the other Mom's!
My first thought is...does your family have a budget that you operate on? If not, you need to start one now..but it needs to be a joint project between the two of you!!!
My 2nd thought...half of that money is NOT yours...it isn't like pie that you divide into pieces....all of the money belongs to the FAMILY no matter who earns it!!! I was a SAHM for the first 20 years of our marriage, my husband was in the military and I was privileged to be able to stay at home and raise our children, because he earned enough money for us to live on. Then I went back to work about 20 years ago and it was a 2 income family, now he is retired and I am the only one "working", so as you can see, we have had it every way possible in our home. There has never been "my money " or "his money" and he didn't pay me an "allowance" while I was at home and he was working...we have always worked together as a couple.
I have the gut feeling that all of this is somehow a symptom of much deeper issues in your family. One of the other Mom's mentioned that you had said that your family's teeth are being neglected because you don't have dental insurance....that is something that definitely needs to be addressed when the two of you are talking about priorities and how the money should be spent. Don't let money become the driving force in your relationship...it is important but not the most important thing...the most important thing is the way you relate to each other within your family...the love and respect that each of you feels towards the other. You are modeling to your children what life should be all about...use this situation to show them that people who love each other can sit down and work through the most difficult problem because they love each other and want the best for each other. Maybe both of you could independently make a list of what you see as the financial priorities in your family...then get together, compare them and see where you can compromise. Work together on this, be real partners...I think you will be really amazed at what you can accomplish if you set aside anger and feelings of being "entitled" and work together on this!!!
Good luck to you

You are right that you should have equal say. And you have at least two large cultural roadblocks to getting that. The first is traditional – many families still believe that the man is the primary decision-maker in the household, and many men still buy into that (sometimes even if they weren't raised in such a family). According to some world views, it's the manly way to go.

The second is a product of advertising. Think how often we are urged to buy a product because we "deserve" it, a purely emotional, seldom practical, but ever so effective sales technique. These arguments and more make it so convenient for many men to justify their spending. Some of your husband's purchases sound as though they are at least partly practical; even so, your needs and your children's also "deserve" consideration when prioritizing family spending.

From your request, J., it sounds as though your own deferential attitude acquiesces to, rather than restrains, his impulses. If you want to be part of the financial decision-making team, you may have to become more assertive about it. Google "married women and financial decisions" or similar search terms and you'll find a wealth of information that will support your need to have more of a say.

I loved, and heartily agree with Katie's answer: working together is the best approach, and your feeling disrespected needs to be discussed and put in it's proper place: an impediment to your relationship. Counseling can help; one thing I've noticed in relationships is that sometimes the "breadwinner" feels a bit entitled to the extra money. (We have a culture who's mantra is often: "Go ahead--you deserve it", not "Hey, best save some of that for a rainy day, and why don't you go ahead and ask your partner first?")

I also like Miranda's suggestion of equal fun-money allowance. We do this in our home and it works well.

This situation was not created by your being a submissive housewife (What a belittling thing to say. Really?), but by a lack of communication. Submissive housewives don't question their husband's 'authority', which you are doing by bringing this question up. Counseling can also help couples come to a point of discussing financial decisions without the conversation feeling volatile and emotional. This often has more to do with some of our past situations than our present ones.

For what it's worth, a lot of families experience these same dynamics. Good for you for wanting to change things for the better and get some savings in the bank! Best wishes!

I don't think your husband is being selfish. I do think he should talk to you about his larger purchases. But selfish, he's not.

I do think you need to pick your battles, and if you two are doing well, financialy, then why get into a tiff about this. It would be wise, however, to talk to him about saving some money.

My view is not like some others here. I am a SAHM too. Our kids are 10 and 6. I home school the kids and I am going to college too. Even though he is the one that works you are to come together on spending. You may want to see if you can come to an spending limit. Say 100 dollars. If either one of you want something over that the family needs to talk it out, (him and you) and decided if it is something that is needed. In today's world we never know what will happen so saving something is a very wise thing to do. Your kids may grow up and want to go to college and you will need the funds. My parents both work just always have and they have a spending limit. It is really all about you get married and you have a family, your not your own person any more. You must think of others. And if you get a divorce the court would split things 50/50 unless there was papers before the marriage stating something different. It is kinda the good for all thing., not the good of one. I pray things get better soon.

That's not selfish; that's just stupid. If you have no savings and no retirement, then his spending habits are putting you at risk. You can argue one way or the other about retirement because of the state of the economy (actually now is a good time to buy stocks, mutual funds, annuities, etc.), but spending money on non-necessities instead of putting it in savings is a sign of financial immaturity. You have kids to provide for. What if he loses his job? He can't sell his shoes to cover for three months.

Financial experts say you should have between two and three months' income in savings in order to be safe from a layoff. That generally equals putting around $250 a month in savings. This is a necessity. If he won't do it, ask for it as one of the bills.

And no, he doesn't have the right to spend money in large amounts without talking to you, at least not on a regular basis. It may be his paycheck, but it is your income, and you work too. The work that the average mother does would cost about $170,000 a year if salaried out. It is your financial future, and you deserve to have a say in it. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, suggest going to see a financial advisor under the pretext of setting up savings or retirement accounts. There are some organizations that will help you set up spending plans for free.

When you're married...his money is your money and vice versa. So...anything that cost more then $100 should be discussed between the BOTH of you! Especially big purchases like a car, TV, furniture, computer, etc. My husband would NEVER DARE to spend more then $100 without discussing it with me..and vice versa. This way, we BOTH watch each other's spending so we don't end up in debts one day. Your husband i's probably thinking it's HIS money so he can do whatever he wants with it. Well...you NEED TO put a stop to this and tell him otherwise. If that's how he thinks...then you need to start having him PAY YOU for childcare. Then put that in your OWN account and YOU do whatever the heck you want with that money...which is only fair. See how he feels about THAT!

This is part of the reason I refuse to be a SAHM...I KNOW my husband will be the same as yours.... They seems to think they're "supporting" you...never thinking how lucky he and your kids are to have a FULL TIME mother at home.

SERIOUSLY...PLEASE put your foot down before it get any more worse. Although...I can't imagine what's worst then one spouse buying cars, computer, expensive toys/games...without the "OK" from the other. I just can't imgine my husband doing this...the concept is so alien to me that one spouse would buy a car without a long discussion if need vs. want with the other.

Good luck and be STRONG...don't let the hubby control the finance just because he's bringing home the bacon as YOU are the one that keeps it going at home so he can bring home the bacon to SHARE!

You are not unreasonable. He is acting selfish and irresponsible. Get counseling and soon. You need to make sure your future (and your Children's) is considered and provided for. I quit my job to be a SAHM after the birth of my first child, but I work just as hard if not harder now to run the house and manage our resource. We have a rule that no one can spend more than $250 without checking in first, and then we decide together if we can afford the purchase.

I've been married 18 years. The key to our happiness - I accept that my husband is always right, even if I don't agree. Sometimes we can have some really heated debates. But after we've both had our say and we take the time to really listen to each other, most of the time we come to a mutual decision. If not, I accept his. My husband really does care about our family so I know that he believes his decision is best for our family, even if I don't agree with it. You may not agree, but it works for us - but communication and trust are so key to making this work.

Are your family's financial needs being met? (Housing, Groceries, Insurance, Medical, etc.) Do you have enough savings for unexpected setbacks - are you contributing a small amount every month? Is your credit card or other debt under control?

If the answer is no, then somehow you need to be able to have a serious talk with him.

You need to support his decisions, yet be able to work together on a plan to start addressing the problems.

But if you've been constantly nagging him about the issue, I think it will be extremely difficult for him to listen to you, now. It's very possible that he has a lot of built up resentment too. He may feel you are being ungrateful that he has to work so hard and you get to stay home with the kids. It can be work for you, too, I know. But at least you got to see baby's first steps, their first words, and all the neat little things that perhaps he's not been able to be a part of. It's possible that resentment may even be part of the problem. Maybe he's going overboard (maybe even subconsciously) by showing you he's in control. Or maybe he's trying to compete for the kids love (again this might be subconscious). Or maybe he just has an expensive hobby. Somehow you'll need to find a way to get him to tell you how he really feels.

Somehow you'll need to clear the air so neither one of you are angry and resentful when you decide to talk about it.

If you get really angry, type your feelings out on the computer, but don't send them to anyone. (I do this all the time - it helps me to clarify how I really feel and it helps me evaluate for myself if I'm being unrealistic about certain things.) Remember that if he loves you, it's not likely he's intentionally trying to hurt you. Get control of your feelings before you discuss them with your husband.

Then maybe you can arrange for someone to watch the kids one evening - maybe on the weekend so he isn't tired out from work. Tell him a day ahead so he knows to be present, but be clear you would like to discuss some things that have been on your mind first (so he doesn't think you were planning a night in the bedroom - but maybe there'll be time for that too. ;) Then when the time comes, let him talk first. But be patient if he doesn't open up right away. Don't attack him as soon as it's your turn to talk. Just carefully state one concern at a time - one or two sentences. Then (really important) listen to what he has to say. Ask questions to get him to open up. I know you may be really angry. But then you may be really surprised to find out how how he feels. This happens to me all the time.

Once you truly listen to & understand each other then you should be able to discuss your family's needs and come up with a plan to address them. This may take a couple sessions, if you aren't able to get good communication going the first time. Even of you just open up the first time, that's progress. And maybe you'll have to sit down and talk 4 or 5 times before you can get to a plan together. As long as you can keep communication open then you're doing good.

If you are doing OK financially, I don't feel you should be too upset if your husband wants to buy cool toys for the family or even cool toys for himself - it sounds he really likes cars. It can be an expensive hobby - but if you work together, you should be able to find a way to allow him his hobby and to be able to support the family as well. If you are feeling a bit neglected, be sure to address these concerns as well when you have your talks.

But to feel entitled to 50% of your husbands earnings is quite unreasonable I think. Not sure how old your youngest is, but you could always get a part time job if you want your own spending money. Or maybe you just need a Mommy's night out once a week.

When it comes right down to it - it's all about good communication and building trust. Don't play the spiteful games - they'll just destroy communication and trust. This will just lead to a spiteful nasty divorce.

You said he is a good father and husband. If that's true - start with the things that are working in your relationship and really work hard together to mend the things that aren't.

I really hope you can work things out together.

Just a short answer here: I think it would be wise to check something like Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University out. It is a great program that would help to put you and your husband on the same page with your finances, plus learn how to save for college and retirement!! www.daveramsey.com. Have a great day and good luck!!

I'd suggest that you sit down together and make a budget. Make sure that everything you spend money on is in that budget. There should be a category for everything you spend your money on (clothing, toys, going out, utilities, insurance, food, retirement savings, emergency fund, personal care, entertainment, education, "mad money", college savings, paying down debt, etc.). Average out for a monthly cost things you don't buy every month. Then make sure that the money for those things is really put into them, so there isn't extra money floating around that hasn't been spent, which would be tempting to spend (that is what the "mad money" is for). The best way to do that is put it as cash in an envelope, and document the money coming and going on the envelope. Decide what your emergency fund should amount to, and add to it until it's at that level and then allocate the money elsewhere.

In general, 10% of income should go to retirement, and ideally you should have 6 months of living expenses in your emergency fund. It takes a while to get there, so you just put what you decide in there, and let it build. You can dip into it if you have an unexpected home repair or car repair.

Both of you have to agree on how to spend your money, that is a key. Hopefully it will feel rewarding to watch the emergency fund build up, and retirement savings build up, and yet have the mad money that never has to be accounted for.

Best wishes!

I really don't feel that it's natural for a woman to be a stay at home mother that doesn't earn any money of her own. There have always been ways for stay at home mothers to earn some money. Daycare, selling things on ebay, or even a part-time weekend job where he takes care of the kids. Woman used to keep chickens and it was "her" egg money. That's my take on this whole thing. If you had money of your own to spend, then you'd feel less possessive over what he makes. Our laws were put into place to keep a man from forcing a woman into a stay at home lifestyle and then turning around and leaving her for a younger model with no idea how to take care of herself. I don't really believe that we should automatically get half of what we each make unless the person is abusive and or cheating on us.

Personally, I feel that you are reacting to the feelings you have about your need to ask him about spending money. I could NOT live that way. I would try and talk with him about starting a savings account for emergencies. Start out just discussing a 3 months bills account just in case something happens to him. I had a mom show up to use my daycare this week because her husband was in a car accident and has just broken his back. When my father broke his back he was out of work for 6 months!

Specifically about the money he spends.. No, he should not have to ask you about buying shoes. You should see my husbands shoe and coat fettishes!

Then again, I enjoy having my own business, my own money, and not having to ask anyone's opinion about my spending. We negotiate what we each spend on family bills and do the best we can with the rest of our own money. I know a lot of people disagree with that. But it took us a lot of years of terrible fighting with money being the root of most of it. I wish we never had those arguments. Life's too short.

Your husband isn't selfish. He is just not thinking of your future. I have so many friends who retired with nothing but the house they bought fully paid for.
Or my girlfriends whose financial lives are totally out of wack because in the divorce there was not money. They get only half of the Social Security their husbands of 12, 26, or 40 years had coming to them.
You and your husband need financial counselling so that he can see the necessity of saving for a rainy day or a decent retirement.
That he does not consult you is sexist to say the least and disrespectful in the long run. You have a right to a sound budget that is agreed upon.
Whose raising this guy's kids anyway. You keep your bargain about the division of labor. His bargain which he doesn't seem to recognize is that it is a financial partnership.
Go get a list of what it costs to have laundry, cleaning the house, cooking , children delivered to day care or sports, etc. etc. and you'll know the dollar worth of your share of things. What would a nanny cost if you weren't doing the job? Add it up.

If you have access to the account, then as you take out money for bills and food, take out savings money too and transfer directly to a savings account. Make sure he knows, but don't let him tell you no. It's your money too and you have every right to save some...or use it on yourself now and then!

You are perfectly reasonable. Just becuase you don't work outside the home doesn't mean you don't contribute to the family. You're a vital part of the team. Some days he's the captain, sometimes you are, buty you still make decisions that affect the family together. While a $400 computer might not seem like a big deal $17,000 worth of luxury items is also one kid's first year in college. And THAT affects the family.

Good luck.

My friend just got separated from her husband of 22 yrs because (as your prev post) the kids needed to go to the dentist for braces and he said "their teeth are fine". He boughta truck, new lawn equipment, new tools, the newest playstaion, x box360, guitar hero, so on and so on. SHe said he went out to eat lunch or order a catered lunch everyday at work, but if she took the kids to Boston MArket or for Chinese food----forget about it! The kids couldn't be in dancing school or karate because, "If that's not what they are going to do for a living, then why do I have to pay for those lessons?" She would shop the clearance racks and he would not. Well, her final straw was when she told him she wanted to save for a new "family" car because the a/c and heat was not working and the car doesn't have airbags (1987)--(remember he bought a brand new Ram truck last year), and he said,"I'm the one who gets up and goes to work everyday, it's my money, I'll decide how to spend it." She had worked up until right after the birth of their second child. She worked for 19 yrs and at that time they split the bills or even banked one paycheck and lived off of one paycheck. She has NEVER pissed away money on herself and she is a smart spender. Maybe he is having one of those "mid-life crisis" BS syndromes!

My sister is always gripping about how her husband spends his money. She yells at him for paying tithes, offerings, any money he spends on anything that isn't what she wants to spend it on. He works and she watches her grandkids and sews a clothing line she sells on etsy.com. They aren't hurting for money. Yes, times are tough, but they are not going hungry or living in poverty. I keep telling her they need to sit down and make a budget.They need to make sure every thing is covered like bills, savings, house repair funds, etc...then they need to set an amount for spending money. If it is $5 or $500 a month, it is unaccountable money. It is yours to spend and you do not have to be accountable to anyone for it. They can't say "we don't have any groceries, you need to spend your money on some', it's as if that money never existed. I feel sorry for her husband, he makes good money and can't even pay tithes without her ragging on him like a jealous 2 year old about what they could have spent that money on.

Make a dollar amount that the other can spend without a spouse approval. Or have separate accounts so you can't see what the other is spending, each person is accountable for paying listed things out of their account then anything left over is theirs to spend.

My concern would be whether he is digging your family into a deep well of debt with all these extravagant purchases. He needs to be very open with you about your finances -- how much is coming in; how much is going out on necessities, living expenses, and all those other things your family doesn't really need. Do you know how much debt he is supporting?

First, quit documenting how he spends his pennies. That isn't helping anything.

Second, it's time to speak with a marriage or financial counselor or both if you can find someone that does both. If you share your finances then you need to develop a system that works for both of you, your kids, and your family long term.

In our household, my husband also works at a paying job and I work taking care of our kids. Retirement money comes out of his paycheck before it even hits the bank. Once money is in the bank, bills get paid first, groceries etc second, college funds third and then whatever is left over can be used for vacation or whatever we want. We have a $50 limit. If either of us wants to spend more than $50, we check with the other that it'll work okay. That's been working for us for 6 years.

No you are NOT being unreasonable !!!! Re-read what you wrote...don't you see something wrong here ? You ask him to buy the basic needs for your children (which he may not let you do) but he goes out and buys a $ 4000.00 car ???? HELLO !!! This is NOT normal ! I would never stand for this. You are like some little submissive housewife to him who does not deserve an ounce of respect. I would put my foot down and tell him you are going to see a counselor/therapist who will straighten him out. He will not listen to you at this point, that's clear. You need a 3rd party professional to let him know his spending is out of control, and you should have been consulted on each major purchase prior to his buying (to get your input on it and how you felt). You have no savings, or anything - he needs to be made aware that Those things are a priority not his materialism. He seems like the type that needs 'things' to boost his ego/self esteem. He is being extremely selfish and this needs to stop, or your marriage is headed for divorce. I would first see a therapist and then someone to financially set a budget for all of you to follow (and then continue to see someone to make sure he is following protocol).

I'm not sure I have any good advise for you, but just how many vehicles does one need? I would've put a stop to that a long time ago.....

J., I think most men are selfish and usually spend big. You have the few misers that is another story. However, to protect yourself, it is time to have a budget and lay out the plan so he sees where his money is going. Secondly, stop being so "courteous" in telling him what you are going to spend on, I know it's wise and the best thing to do, but more so with a partner who you both share in the expenses, bills, etc. Thirdly, you should take a portion of that money and save it separately so that when he goes on a spending frenzy you can have some funds for emergencies. Lastly, suggest to him have an allowance system, where you both sit down and decide what is important to each of you, and what is necessary for household expenses to live, then come to a compromise as to how much each of you can divide out for your own personal use. Therefore nobody has any complaints on who spends on what. If he takes his $650 and blow it all on a fishing rod, that's his perogative, and if you take your $650 and blow it on makeup, that's your perogative...good luck..

I think you need a monthly allowance & here is how to figure it out. First off get your own account separate for this money so he can't see it, second make sure he doesn't have access to it (don't put him on as a signer, just a beneficiary if you die). Now take the amount of money he takes home each pay check if he gets paid monthly subtract all the bills & split what is left over in half. If he gets paid every two weeks he has to hand over you allowance every two weeks. Make sure you include groceries in the bills & this money gets handed over to you since you do the shopping on top of your allowance, it's not part of your allowance. Make sure to write up everything for you so you don't forget Miscellaneous things like clothes.

Now If he had to pay daycare to watch the kids & a chef to cook the food & a maid to clean the house & a personal driver to drive everyone around & a personal shopper he wouldn't have to much money left so he owes you for the jobs you do, there are probably more, those are just off the top of my head. Research them & give him the cost if you need to. Go about this smartly & say you would like to be able to surprise him once in a while and since you don't have any separate money to do this with you never can. He always gets to be the gift giver & you can't because of the currant setup of your finances. You just need things to be a little less lop sided you don't want total control of the money when you talk to him.

Back when we first married, we agreed that if either of us wanted to spend more than $200 on an item, we would discuss it. Setting some sort of limit will keep the peace and the lid on the finances.

Well, I wouldn't put it like half the money is yours, but more like all that money belongs t the family, I would definitely make a budget, and what about savings?
I don't know if it is husbands, but mine likes to spend on electronics, a LOT!! so what we do, is we separate a bit of money every week (we get paid weekly) and it goes into an account, were he (or I, but its mostly him) can take money from the rest is for the family, if there isnt enough for what he wants to buy then he has to wait or talk to me, about it, and he ususally spends it all on BLACK FRIDAY (yes he's the dude, camping outside bestbuy at 9:00pm the night before jajajaja)
I wouldnt obsess about it to much, if you have enough to cover your expenses and SAVINGS!!! (U never know when things can get tough, and savings are important)
I guess it might be about how you approach it, like instead of going Dont go spending that much money, lets do the account thing I suggested, or talk to him about savings, and after savings he can spend on what he likes, I dont know.
I let him buy stuff specially because I know he works hard, and I want to make him feel appreciated, just make sure you're covered. Good Luck!!! =)

Start a retirement account, start squirreling away on your savings, statr a college fund for the kids.

Don't ask him, just do it. It sounds like he doesn't have a since of reality. He is doing fine now, but with the economy and job loss, what happens if his job tanks, or he becomes injured... you won't have anything to fall back on, and you can sell those things, but won't get much for them.

Speak to a financial adviser together. A good rule of thumb, is to take a percentage out of each paycheck and put it into your savings accounts. 15% from each check is a good place to start.

START A RETIREMENT ACCOUNT ASAP or everyone will be in trouble!

My dad for 40 years has taken an allowance out of his paycheck and mom gets the rest. Currently, he takes 10 out of every check and puts it in his wallet. Mom gets the remainder. Dad saves his allowance and buys whatever suits his fancy.

My husband has his check direct deposit into our checking and savings accounts. I pay all the bills, buy the groceries, and what other Needs we have. My husband always ask me for permission to buy whatever he wants. Based on our current budget, I tell him yes we can swing that or no we can't swing that right now. I also ask him for permission before buy myself any much need clothes or etc.

I am a stay at home mom and he is the only income earner in our home. He does tease me while laughing "I got paid today and you spent it all before I even get home". My response is always "I paid the bills and restocked".