Self Esteem - Dyer,IN

My answer is a combo of Peg M. and 8kidsdad.

Praise is good, but it needs to be sincere, and it needs to be mostly about EFFORT, not innate ability. Read the article Peg linked -- it's very true.

Does she have any activities that she is enjoys or is good at?
Art, reading, gymnastics dance etc
Try finding something for HER that she enjoys. If it it something that she loves she will excel and it could help.
Sorry I don't have too much advice, I haven't had this experience yet.

Make sure you are encouraging the effort not the result.

I'm guessing (from looking at other questions) that she's about 5?

You'll get lots of advice telling you to let her try soccer, cheer leading, t-ball, gymnastics, dance, etc., etc., etc......to get her into all kinds of stuff and FIND 'that thing" she does well.

I'm going to come at it from a different angle, considering her age. What about just pointing out stuff she does well naturally (sets the table, picks up her stuff, tries to make her bed, etc.)
There seems to be too much of a race (with parents--not saying 'you') to see what their kids EXCEL at!
If there's something (organized activity, sport) that she expresses an interest in joining, then by all means--let her and encourage her.
I heard a mom of O. of my son's friends say "well if they try everything--they'll be good at nothing!" They're 7 and 8!
Huh? Really? Because I think she's forgetting about the game of LIFE, where trying stuff is about 90% of it!
Better to point out things that people are good at and things that people just aren't. (Ex. Mom is good at making yummy brownies...dad? Not so much. Or "did you see that guy throw that pizza shell?! If I did that it would plop on my head!")
She's little. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of the issue. I'd approach it more from a "different people are good at different things" angle.

This eye-opinilng article on praise has really helped me understand some surprising truths about what motivates kids and what doesn't. Maybe you'll see something it that will help you understand your daughter's attitude:

How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I'd tell her we are all good at different things. If your 4 year old doesn't know his alphabet, tell her she knows her alphabet better than her brother. Or anything that is true. My younger brother could sleep through class and get better grades than I could when I studied.

We all have different things we are good at. I only had one wife. My brother had three. The difference was how we viewed and treated our spouses.

Your daughter has her strong points. Make sure you praise her for them.

Good luck to you and yours.

try to find something that she might be good at so she can excel. I know that I didn't come from a family that said I was a failure, but I have very low self esteem and struggle with trying new things because I am afraid of failure. Not to say this happens, but have you on any occasion put too much pressure on her without realizing. I am not sure how old she is, but I know my mom and dad would always say i was their straight A student and good at sports and such, but when I finally got to a point where I didn't think I was going to succeed I would avoid the issue cause I thought I would fail.

How old is she?

When our now 16 yr old was young, she tried all sorts of activities that she thought she wanted to do and was not interested: soccer, gymnastics, dance. It was depressing because she wanted to participate but just did not find anyting she wanted to do.

When she was 7, she went with a friend to a karate studio to try a class and to our amazement... she loved it. It was something SHE owned and something SHE excelled in. In 2006 she achieved her black belt in Tang Soo Do and she uses the skills to this day with her intereactions with others, etc. It is as much mental as it is physical and it worked wonders for her.

When she was in 6th grade, it was mandatory to take orchestra, band or choir for 1 year. She chose the violin and orchestra. She was a natural and we had no idea. Again, this is something SHE owns and is hers. She still plays her violin, takes part in private lessons, etc and plans to incorporate it into her major someday. She plays by ear and we had no idea she was musically inclined.

When she wanted to be a cheerleader we were skeptical because she has always been the quiet type. She has cheered for her school team since 8th grade and is entering the 11th grade this year. She was captain last year and a good leader.

Now... I did not tell you all that to make you feel bad as a mom or anything. My reason.... husband is a champion golfer, played on scholarship in college, very successful businessman. I've been successful at modeling and I've always been a SAHM first and foremost over anything.

We believe one reason she has excelled in karate, violin and cheer is because they are something SHE does, something SHE owns as her special things.

Hopefully this makes some sense to you and you get the gist of what I am saying. You are correct for the failure statements. In our house failure is not an option........you be the best you can be.

Good luck

Not everyone is good at everything, and it takes a lot of us some time to find out what we are good at.
She's comparing herself to her brother - he gets attention and praise for doing something well that he likes and enjoys.
She might be feeling a sibling rivalry thing and she needs some reassurance that she's special, too.
She hasn't found her niche yet, but that's not a failure - it just means you (and her) have to keep trying different activities till something clicks (one at a time - let's not over schedule).
It might be a sport or dancing or gymnastics or skating or arts/crafts or music - there are LOTS of things to try.
If at first you don't succeed, try and try again!

i have a 19 yr old daughter. this is what I have learned about self esteem. it is esteem you have built for yourself. noone can give it to you. can't buy it. it has to be earned. all the compliments in the world wont help, they can actually make it worse. you start to hold yourself in a higher esteem when you accomplish things for yourself. it's when you accomplis goals, hit milestones, and do things that make you feel good about yourself that you start to build self esteem. i have been taught about "esteemable acts" it's about things you are proud of that make you feel good, smart, strong, attractive, etc. I learned all this along the way, but, i've recently read a book that helped quite a bit. it's called nurture shock. you can read an excerpt on amazon.com

Poor thing! Keep reassuring her and maybe you can investigate a little to find out where this is coming from. My kids told me once that a neighbor kid was peeking over the fence calling my son a loser for no reason. My son didn't say a thing about it but before I knew what was going on, he'd say that he felt like a loser. I couldn't figure out where that came from since he's homeschooled. I kept asking him where he heard that (church, homeschool group, PE?) Finally, my kids told me. Every time I'd go outside the neighbor kid was good so I'd never would have known. Good luck!!

What are some things she's naturally good at? Art? Music? Tumbling? Poetry? Acting? Another sport? Possibilities are really endless, but you may have to look outside of what you and your husband know. Find what she's good at and try to encourage some growth there.Once she sees some of her own abilities, it may help her esteem. Can you spend some one on one time with her? Sometimes just extra mommy/daughter time can help. Check out this link from dove soap. They have a movement trying to improve the self esteem of girls. http://www.dovemovement.com/ Yay for you trying to improve your daughter!

I don't know why anyone would want to say anything cruel or rude!!

I don't know how old your daughter is, I'm assuming she is 6 to 7 - and this is the time when they start getting the peer pressure - a lot younger than when I was a kid - but it happens...

Oh sad!! Have you been able to talk with your daughter and find out why she thinks this way of herself?

Who around her - friends, family, etc. are giving her the impression she is a failure?

Watch the TV shows and such that she does - she may be picking it up from there as well...

When my boys try something and say "it's no good - I can't do it" - I tell them if at first you don't succeed - try, try, try again....her brother didn't just pick up the basketball and get good - HE TRIES and HE PRACTICES!!! Practice makes perfect! :)

GOOD LUCK!!! She'll find her "niche" and rock at it...but she can't give up - or she won't know what it is she rocks at!!

Self esteem comes from within herself, you can't give it to her. My DH is very accomplished, does lots of things incredibly well, and looks like a success -- to everyone but himself. It may help to point out that everyone has different talents and her brother has a natural talent for baseball. She does not. That is life and it's hard to take at first. Then have her focus on what she wants to be good at. If she wants to be good at baseball, then you need to make sure she understands it will take more effort from her to be good at it than it takes for her brother.
I had a music teacher tell me once that a tiny bit of talent plus lots of hard work was worth more than lots of talent and no work ethic. The first one will be successful because they know how to work at things and be dedicated, the second one will never get anywhere because any success takes work. Of course, hard work plus lots of natural talent will take you further, faster, but it is the effort we put into learning things that makes our lives more rewarding.
Beware of false praise, or overly praising all the things she does well. If you do that she may feel pitied and even more like a failure. Maybe point out all the things that you are not good at, or you tried in the past but just didn't enjoy. Share with her a time you felt like a failure. We can't all succeed at everything, find the thing you can succeed at AND enjoy, then do that.
Good luck to you -- I know it is hard to watch your kids struggle with their identity and liking themselves.

I am struggling with a similar situation with my 4 year old son. He hates it when he makes mistakes. While he doesn't use the word "failure," he is adverse to trying something again when he has not succeeded the first time. Pep talks and praise have done little to encourage him. My husband has told me that perseverance and determination to see something through is something that comes from within. However, I firmly believe that our support is an important factor in developing this important attribute. So far, I am still looking for ways to create this support.

We are experimenting with different sports and activities right now. So far we have not found the one that may change his perspectives on mistakes and trying. There has been a bit of success with t-ball and art, so I am definitely going to continue with these two activities. I will continue to look for activities that highly interest him, allowing him a better starting point in regards to his self-esteem.

As noted by some other parents, the one thing that has seemed to reach him is spending quality time with him. Another way that seems to have an effect with him are books. He enjoys reading with me; and I have tried to find books that focus on self-esteem. Here are some books that we have read together:

Try and Stick With It by Cheri J. Meiners, Meredith Johnson
I'm Gonna Like Me by Jamie Lee Curtis, Laura Cornell
Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell, David Catrow

There's also a Bear in the Big House DVD called Practice Makes Perfect. I haven't seen it, but I am going to see if it is available from the library.

Also, there is a terrific anthology of stories that may interest your daughter:
The Serpent Slayer and Other Stories of Strong Women by Katrin Tchana, Trina Schart Hyman. I love this book because it offers tales in which the girls do the rescuing!

Good luck!

My daughter, 5, has also said things along these lines. I tell her that no one knows everything and that we all have to practice to get better. She is not expected to know it all immediately and she is there to learn, everyone trys things for the first time and even very smart people, like you, have to study and try hard to learn things or practice lots to get good at something. This pep-talk seems to help most of the time, but I also think it's part of growing up too.

Sometimes I think they see other kids succeeding and think it's effortless, but she needs to understand that they are working on getting better (either with school or sports).

In your case, you son loves baseball and probably plays at it much more than she does, so he's better. I'd get her trying all kinds of stuff to find what she enjoys. If she finds something she likes, she'll be good at it.

Heidi,

How old is she? I am sorry she is feeling this way. Is it possible she is depressed? I would start doing daily affirmations with her---make a list with her about all the things she is good at, what she loves about herself and start there. Then go over them daily--when she says she is a failure--correct her and say : Abigail, we don't believe in that word. You are amazing! I loved the way that you sing in the mornings, you have a beautiful voice!

As for her affirmation: She could say: I am a beautiful young lady with lots of talents. I am special to my mom and dad and I am loved by so many people. I am sucessful and have a great future ahead of me!!! Failure is not an option for me!

Hope this helps--hang in there!!!

M

Heidi,

I don't know how old your daughter is (you didn't say), but I would certainly take this seriously. If she's in school (preschool counts), it may be a good idea to speak to the school social worker. S/he may have suggestions, may want to meet with your daughter, or may even want to engage her in a group, etc. Some kids do struggle with self-esteem, and while your love and support is SO important, there's probably something else going on. At a certain point in a child's development, it becomes less important what her parents think, and more important what her peers think. The earlier you get her the help and support she needs, the more likely your daughter is to succeed. It's sometimes difficult to acknowledge that our children have problems/need extra help. You have made that important first step. Keep up the good work!

R., MSW

It's important for children to know they're unconditionally loved and accepted by God before they accomplish a thing. That way, the accomplishments are separated from acceptance - and it's clear you demonstrate this to your child.
Two of my kids expressed this on a couple of occasions. I found that my son got over it when he discovered his passion for birding and photography. I think when my daughter said it she might have been seeking attention. I think she was also trying to help me feel sorry for her when she broke something of her brother's! They can be really smart!
It does take a while for some kids to find their giftings. My daughter is good at a lot of things but hasn't found her primary gifting yet. She seems to have outgrown feeling like a failure, though.
Making a big deal of her statements could point her focus onto herself, which doesn't help. Ironically, people who accomplish much can still feel like failures. I would try redirecting her attention. A counselor once told me you don't want kids getting the idea you're worried about them. Then they can start to believe there's something wrong with them! If you treat it lightly, you'll send the message that you believe in her and the idea that she's a failure isn't something you'd even consider.
That's kind of a ramble - I hope something in there was helpful! God bless!