Self Esteem

You're right a lot of girls do go through this, but since there are such drastic changes all of a sudden with the changes in school and everything do you think there is something going on that she hasn't told you about? Maybe you could get her involved in some new activities to help boost her confidence in herself and her talents and abilities. Sports and activities are great for girls so they can see their bodies are meant for more than what Hollywood makes it out to be! I hope this helps!

Have you asked your husband to compliment her? Girls look to their dads for a lot of their self-esteem - if he would praise her every so often in a natural way, it might help.

The latest research suggests that praise for specific achievements and efforts are better for building self-esteem than praise for being "great." http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=3747692

This gave me a lot of food for thought on how I provide feedback to kids.

The suggestions for getting your daughter involved in activities that she likes and can build up some competence in are good ideas.

Good luck.
D.

Get her involved in a sport or activity! Works every time.

I dont have much experience with older kids and self esteem, but I noticed you said you have issues with it yourself. Is it possible that she sees your self issues and is getting them from you? Like you saying I feel ______ whatever it is you feel and she sees that and feeds off of it. Again I dont know if this is whats going on, but it was a thought. Try to have as much self confidence around her and maybe she will pick up on that. Does this make sense? I wish I had better advise for you. Good luck!

I have a 10 year old daughter, that has gone through some turmoil. I, personally, think getting her involved in positive outside activities (groups). My daughter, Chandell, is in IMPROV ( at the park district), Service Club ( through school/ they do services for the community), she in Girl Scouts ( not my favorite choice),and I sign her up periodically for girl's clubs at the park district. This has given Chandell options on different friendships, and opportunities. It has built her self esteem up, instead of just school and school kids, that can bring self esteem down.

Children model what they see around them. You said you have these issues, too. Does she hear you voice them? Maybe she can sense it in the way you respond to others.

My sister, who is a size 4, would always complain about having cellulite within earshot of her daughter. At 4, her daughter started to cry and complain about her "cellulite." My sister realized the impact she was having on her daughter, and had to change her behavior. I've heard other daughters say they had body image issues even if they were very beautiful because their mom, who also was very beautiful, always talked negatively about their own appearance.

I think the best way to help your daughter is to love yourself as much as you love her. If she sees your worth, and you are diminishing it or implying it is less valuable, she will associate her view of worth as a negative, and use that as a filter to see the rest of the world, including herself.

Show her your own value and that you can recognize your own importance. There is no one in the world who can do what you do as well as you do it! If you are modeling healthy self-esteem, I think she will be able to see her own worth.

To me it sounds like someone has said something negative to her....try and get it out of her. My niece is 10yrs so she is kinda in the same type of mode, I know she is extra sensitive about how she looks right now.

I would contact her school's social worker to help your daughter learn some coping mechanisms. I think at that age, self-esteem issues are normal but it couldn't hurt to get some extra help. Especially if her grades are being affected, a social worker's job is to help a child who is dealing with personal issues also deal with academics, so that's a great place to start. Good luck!

S.,

It sounds like you have done what you can verbally to praise and encourage your daughter. Now it may be time for her to see for herself. Think about what things she is good at. Does she have any hobbies? If not, think about one that you think that she could pick up easily and really excel at. Each child really does have at least one thing that they are gifted at, more so than most children. So get her involved in that activity. Be sure to initially talk to the teacher and let them know your goal....to let her see for herself that she is making a difference, and boost her own self esteem. A hobby like: art, a sport, scrap booking, tutoring another younger child at something she is good at--math etc....or helping another at their self esteem. She, like the rest of us, may want to feel needed. Like she is really helping someone else. I know it makes me feel great to help others!!

How is she appearance wise? Is she well put together? Healthy? Appropriate weight? Glasses? Hair clean and cut nicely? Clothing fit and she likes them? Or is she over/under developed for her age, making her feel awkward and different from the rest of her peers?

It is hard to advise when there are so many factors that can determine why she feels the way she does. I would be happy to talk more about it if you want to provide me with more details. I am realy good at this sort of thing. I love to raise other's self esteem and have a good reputation (with family and friends, and their friends and all of their kids too!).

I have done countless makeovers...whether it be clothing, hair {cuts, colors, hairsylying} room makeovers, life coaching- fit for the age of the person... and general discussion that the person typically isn't trying to hear from mom or dad. Remember, to them...at that age, the parent's opinion doesn't count...we are talking PRE-TEEN here-attitudes adjusting,opinions forming, rebellious thought maybe developing...(NOOOOO!) where hormones play a major factor. Again, let me know if I can help.

Sincerely,

A.

I have a 8 year old that was going through the same thing. It was not until I encouraged her to join student counsel at school that it is slowly started to changed. Also have mom and daughter days with just you and her and then same with dad. It is amazing how my daughter react to having Dad and daughter day's. Her real father is not in her life like he should be but her step dad is and he fills the boots well. My girls call him dad. Also instead of telling her. Make her lunch and put in it how proud you are of her and so on. You might also want to check out her freind choice and talk to the school teacher to find out if she is being picked on, teased or bully. When my daughter was in second grade they did this to a little girl. My daughter came home and told me about it and I sat down with her and asked how would that make you feel? She then went to school and this little girl became her best freind. Also if you make sure you do not show your issues you have in freont of her like with weigh, hair, job, not good enough and be postive about one self then she will see this and hopeful see that even though mommy has issues it is ok!! Good luck!

I too was thinking of activities that really make her feel like she's made a difference. I know that one easy thing she could do is go down to Fort Wayne Rescue Ministries and volunteer to help serve food. They serve food everyday at 11 and 5. They're always in need of volunteers. I have their number somewhere, but I am sure it's in the phone book. If she could go down and play with some of the young children, and realize how lucky she is and be a hero to those young children, she would without a doubt feel special and extremely good about herself. We all know as adults how great it feels to give, I have to believe that for a child to experience this overwhelming feeling is not only good for their mood, but also can really shape their morals and crank up their self esteem. There are several other ministries around Fort Wayne that she could help at also, even if it's just going in to make a donation of clothes, food, or diapers. You can email me if you're interested in some of them or if you want some numbers. I have them all out in my car.

Hi,
Have her say positive things to herself in the mirror. Or say them together while looking in the mirror.
"I am beautiful. I am special. I can do anything." When you constantly tell yourself positive things, you will believe it!

I agree with the activities idea. Also, I suggest a martial arts class. Not only can it teach self defense (which is never a bad thing) but it also focuses on self confidence, excercise, etc. All of which will help her get through these awkward years coming up.

Hi, I just want you to know that you are not alone when it comes to this isssue. As I was reading your request, I felt it right at home. The difference is that I have a 9 yr old son, so you see it's not only to girls. It was very hard for me when the low self esteem started, I assumed it was a need for attention. Then the grades started changing, and teachers noticed it too. He was not himself anymore!Months went by and no matter how hard I tried to make him feel better, it would only work for a little while. I had no choice but to have him see a therapist.She was on a level with him like she was his best friend.We finally got to the core of where and why the change began (SCHOOL,BULLIES). My son is a little on the shorter side and his is just TOO KIND.He was constantly being pick on and teased (verbal and physical),I had no idea!This went on for 2 years(TOO LONG).He told me that when he would get hit by bullies he would not do anyhting to defend himself because he knew that 2 wrongs wouldn't make a right and that he couldn't imagine hurting someone else.When he told me that I felt like I had raised my child the wrong way,that maybe I should have taught him to defend himself.I felt guilty and very hurt to know that my son was going through what I went through in school.I decided I was not going to let it continue.I worked my way to my son so that he would trust me(even with the bad and the ugly)I asked him what I can do to make things better. His response was " I need more cool things to do to talk to people about, cooler clothes, and I want more time for me and you alone" It almost broke my heart. I had not realized that having 4 children would take a tow on our relationship. I set a side 1 day a week where him and I go out on a date. We went shopping for "COOL CLOTHES" and we try our best to keep a close relationship with the teachers and school staff. By the way, the school had no idea of the bulling that was going on. As soon as I went to school and became envolved other parent put their complaints in too, and the bullies were kept under the microscope. Unfortunately kids will find any reson to pick on someone, and don't realize the damage they cause. I explained your situation to my son and he said to tell you, to be your daughters best friend and talk alot to her. And if your daughter would like to talk to him she can write or call him. His name is Angel. I hope this helps you out a bit. If your daughter would like to contact my son or be pen pals, let me know and I'll provide you with a phone number or address.
S.

I think it is just a girl thing. I have a 10 year old daughter and her and her friends are all starting to notice that they are changing (some of them into women already). This is the age when they begin to look at the world in a little different light. Some kids take it harder than others. I think you're right to be concerned, but I would first see if she can ride this out before taking some drastic measures. Sometimes its the parents' concern that draws the kids attention and then they realize, "Hey, I get attention for this." That's when the real dramatics begin. Just try to relax. Everything will work out in time. Just be supportive to her and don't forget to take care of (pamper) yourself. Have fun with the TWEEN years!

S.-

Another suggestion is to do a volunteer project with your daughter. It always feel good to help others and it really helps the world (and yourself) see your beauty!

M.

My oldest daughter had this problem until we put her dance and tumbling classes. It did wonders!!!
Good luck!

My Daughter started Swimming & Girl Scouts...