Self Centered 11 Year Old Daughter

Hi H.,

Ok, I am going against the grain on this one. YES, it is normal for some bratty attitude at 11 like huffing and puffing when told to do something BUT huff and puff all you want just DO IT! Is there someone that could watch your daughter when you go to an outing? Because, this behavior for whatever reason is just her being a pure brat. I mean no insult, i can tell you that I had a child similiar to her that I had to deal with and I am telling you what I did that corrected it.
I made it clear under no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate that behavior anymore.
So if the attitude started before we left, he did not go.
If it started after we got there, either my husband or myself removed him from the situation and took him back to the car to sit until he decided to stop being a brat. If it happened in a restaurant, he was told that if he wanted to be miserable that that was fine but that none of us had to deal with it and the rest of us would just go about eating our meal, talking to each other and paying him NO MIND. Its a payoff if you feed into it.
When it was something such as a drink that he needed to share, it NEVER got handed to him first, it got handed to the child that understood FAIR.
I also took away the things that meant a lot to him. He EARNED them back with kind words, manners, respect, minding what he was told, and kind acts.
Material things are not a given, neither are treats and special outings. They are an earned right.
Because I have read everyone elses response before mine, I am sure that there are those that disagree but let me say two things.
1- I was raised in an extremely abusive household and have earned the right to say that that does NOT excuse bad bahavior at 11, 30, or 50 and,2- that I have not 1 but 2 sons that are 15 and 12. Both know and understand that they are not entitled but lucky to have it like they do, they DO NOT speak to me disrespectfully (if they do i correct it immediately) and behave themselves outside of their home. The results of how I chose to handle it are clear. My sons do not resent me, if anything they come and talk with me about everything. It's not easy being strong but it is necessary to make them into decent people.
Good Luck to you, I know its stressful.

H., I DO NOT think this is a normal preteen behavior. Sure, at that age kids are starting to get an attitude issue, but this sounds over the top. You said that her mother is the same way, so you can not really blame the child. This is not too late. If she was not tought the most important values for the 9 years of her life, it might take a while.If you guys do not go to church where she can be in sunday school, maybe a christian camp over summer ( many churches have a free ones)can be a help to her.Volantearing at the women's shelter's as a family. Spending time with her(just you and just daddy) doing the things that she likes can do wonders too(believe me I know we have a 10 year old God daughter :)) And if you're a praying woman....pray for her !!!!!!!Best wishes, she is blessed to have a step mother that cares:)

You need the book Boundries for Kids by McCloud.

I can tell you that my daughter started staying in bed in the morning and didn't want to get up. I took a glass of cold water into her room and threw it on her after I had asked her 3 times to get up. She no longer has this problem.

When she was being lazy and not wanting to get dressed I told her she had 5 minutes to get ready or she was going to school in her pj's. After the 5 minutes she was still getting her shoes on, but was dressed. However I made her put her shoes on on the front porch so the bus driver could see her if she stopped.

When we go places like the zoo I give my children a set amount of spending money at the beginning of the day. They have money to spend and I have a limit. They do not have to share their drink if their sibling spent all their money and is trying to mooch off the other.

Have you sat down as a family and made a rule list? We sat down and the kids had input on the rules and punishments if they break the rules. They even added their own rules.

The book I mentioned is a GREAT book. I even used some of the stuff they recommended on my husband. It worked on him too!

I know this my sound strange but: when my son was in Pre-K and he would throw fits his teacher and I just ingored him, it took a little while (couple of months)and then he realized that we were not paying attention and he would stop. I knew he was doing it for attention and he did not get it he stoped misbehaving. SHE IS JUST TRYING TO GO A RISE OUT OF YOU. It could take a while and a lot of patience on your part, but give it a try. Make sure you PRAISE her for the good things she does, then maybe she will see that your love for her is stonger than her attitude. Hope this helps

Good job! She sounds TOTALLY NORMAL! I know it's irritating. Just stand your ground and keep correcting her behavior. Perhaps she would benefit from some volunteer experience at a shelter (maybe reading books for kids there?) or a soup kitchen (she'd have to be accompanied by a parent or other adult) so she could see how much worse things could be for her. You really do just need to keep trying, because kids don't pick up new behaviors until maybe the 2000th time you tell them.
Good luck! And kudos to you for caring so much about your step-daughter.

next time you go some ware like the zoo, get a babysitter to stay with your step daughter. tell her that because she wont have a good time anyway, and she is always acting like a baby, she will stay home with a babysitter. take her cousins with you and have a great time without her attitude. if she cant behave, she cant go. stop feeding in to her, she is a child and you are the parent.

She needs Tough Love....she needs to understand that this type of action is not tolerated and that she has 2 choices and hers doesn't work SO that is where Tough Love comes in.
I also agree with taking her to shelters or let her talk to those less fortunate than her. Get a Reality Check.