Seeking Advice on 16-Year Prom Night

I would allow her to go for a while and ask that the party bus drop her off by 2:00 a.m. before the drunks leave the bars. If she argues about it just explain that you are not comfortable with the idea but are willing to negotiate with her and allow some fun with the group but at the same time knowing she will not be out so late. If she still disagrees tell her you are the parent and if she can not come home when you ask then maybe she should just come home after the prom at 11.00.p.m. Good luck

The other parents are too lenient. You are not too strict. What are 16 year old's going to do until 4AM? There's nothing open. What kind of "fun" is going to be on the party bus? Alcohol or drugs? I would talk to some of the other parents and find out what's going on, but I would not let my 16 year old stay out that late.
I have 2 boys and I wouldn't let them stay out that late for a Junior Prom. She has the Senior Prom to attend in two years....a party bus to transport to and from the prom is okay and then later to a safe no alcohol, no drug location, which is monitored by adults. You are not too strict.

You may ruin her night for saying no but how would you feel if you said yes and then she ended up pregnant or going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning or a drug overdose?

I think 16 year olds should not stay out that late, I suggest that you meet her half way. Have your daughter call you at 2:00am, tell you her location and you and your husband can pick her up. She has her senior prom to look forward too. Let her know that you want her to enjoy the prom but the best part is her senior prom, when 4:00am will be fine. I know she will be upset but; she has a choice half way or no way. Your daughter will enjoy three hours of fun compared to none.

Hello Patti. I am thinking that 16 year olds should NOT be allowed unchaperoned until the wee hours of the morning. Although it has been 20 years+ since my prom night, well, I don't trust teenagers' attitudes have changed much. Even though the bus is a minumum rental of 5 hours does NOT mean they have to use the full 5 hours. THink of all the people that rent limos or fancy cars for weddings that pay for the privilage of them being driven from the church to the reception site. I don't know that anyone ever uses the full allotted minimum hours for such businesses.

Teenagers have no business being out all hours of the night... it will set a precedent for her senior prom. Besides, being in a larger vehicle doesn't prevent them from being hurt in an accident that involves crazy, drunk drivers during those hours.... take care.

I am not a mother of a teenager yet, but I do remember being a teenager and I remember my mother being too strict with me. What I believe it comes down to is trust. Is your daughter a good girl. Does she work hard in school, is she kind to people, does she treat you with respect (despite the normal attitude that teens get)? I was a good kid but my mom never let me do any special things. And later in my senior year, I chose to lie to her so I could do things I felt deprived of doing. Remember you are not agreeing to her having a 4 am curfew from here on out. This is a special circumstance and she is with lots of other people on a bus. It's also a great test to see how she does.
So many times, due to media, etc we assume our kids are going to do wrong, instead of allowing them to make mistakes and being there for them to learn.
I don't know if this helps but you and your daughter should continue to talk and compromise. My mother and I had a huge falling out and never really recovered. Sure, we see each other but there's still a lot of hurt feelings. good luck.

I had all boys, so the daughter issue wasn't there. They went to prom and after prom they went to someone's house and stayed all night, then went to the zoo or Great America the next day. (Parents were there) Their school doesn't have Sr. Prom and my HS didn't either. They had a blast; of course, my youngest is 27 and the bus thing hadn't started yet. I know now, they go to the local bowling alley afterwards.

Go with you gut feeling Geneva, and everything will be alright.

I know this reply is late, but as a mom and limo owner, I have a policy. No purses larger than a clutch. If back packs are brought they go in the truck of the limo. You would be surprised how they will try and sneak liquor etc into the limo. The driver can not stop at a liquor store. We have been ask about stoping at a tattoo parlor, I have to talk with the parents and get their permission, well it never gets that far. Also, our driver is not allowed to put the security window from driver to the back up. Driver has to be able to see what is going on in the back. Also, another one of our policies is if it did get roudy etc. The driver turns all power off to the back and instructs on to calm down. When you shut off A/C, radio off they immedialty calm back down.
I must note we have had the best kids in our limo, well behaved.

Of course no matter what, parents rules suck ! A few question .. Have you talked to other parents ? There kids could have told them early time just to get then to agree . and planning to get home late . Your daughter told you the truth.
Are they going to be on the "party bus " the whole time . What so fun about that . It really only sounds fun . If it's about hanging out with your buddies . Maybe someone offer to throw a party were even if it were until 4 which i find late even for me . Might been better watched .And beside it's only her jr prom . . Senior prom will be a another story .

Hello-
Does your daughters school have a Post -prom party? My sons did and they had a blast and it was a safe place where they could hang out and have pizza,donated treats, soda, listen to music, do Karaoke,play games and get door prizes. It was held a local establishment that closed its doors to regular patrons at Midnight and then the kids came in and had bought inexpensive tickets to enter. They signed in and if the signed out they could not reenter.. We had a policeman at the door and alot of parent chaperones. The kids usually changed into more comfortable clothes before they came to the post-prom...it was a huge success, about 2/3 of the kids at Prom came to the post-prom. Its prob too late for this years but maybe a parent committee could plan for next year:)

Hi Patti,

I am a mother of 4 (20yr. old boy, 18 yr. old boy, 15 yr. old girl, and an 11 yr. old boy), I can't help but to respond to your posting. I completely understand your dilemma, but I think you already know your answer. Go with your gut, you don't feel good about it and you should tell your daughter that you feel that 4am is too late and that she needs to be home at 1am (or whatever time you are comfortable with) and that is the condition you are putting on her going. Do not let the decisions of the other parents make you fold in to doing what is not right for you. Honestly, I would never have let my boys stay out that late much less my daughter. My boys went to all of the dances during their Junior and Senior years and I they were very popular at school and they went along with it because otherwise they wouldn't go. I often tell my daughter that she can be upset with me all she wants, but I do know best and I think of things that she does not and so she will just have to trust me and the older she gets the more I will allow depending on her responsibility and maturity. So far so good. I don't even get the looks anymore from her and the more that seems to be happening to the other girls at school the more she seems to trust my judgment. I use all of the stories of things that happen to other girls her age as examples of why I go out of my way to protect her and take care of her, so that she doesn't have to worry about extra things and or suffer unnecessarily. Don't think you are too strict, it might be what spares your daughter someday of drama she is not ready for or can live without, and if nothing happens she no worse for staying home with you and your husband and knowing she is safe. Good luck, and stay strong, you still have some tough/scary years ahead of you.

L. Reeder

My kids are nowhere near their teenage years yet, but from what I recall of high school... I think you are right to keep a firm grip on this whole after-party situation. My mom always used to say that whatever I could do after 11, I could do before 11, when I complained about my curfew and how "unreasonably" early it was. But, her rules kept me from sex, drugs and alcohol for the most part, so I am grateful to her now for having stuck by her rules for me. My husband, on the other hand, never had a curfew in his life and ran all over the bay area with no supervision to speak of. To hear his stories of the things he did as a 16 year old, I am truly amazed he lived to tell these stories!

I think you should speak with the other parents and try to have some kind of supervised party. I'm not sure what exactly - if it's too late to cancel the party bus and have a party at someone's house or what? I guess the one positive is that the party isn't going to be at a hotel suite. That is one trend my kids will participate in only over my dead body!!

Patti,
As a mom of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls, i hope i can impart some wisdom for you with your daughter. First, your husband (and
her dad i suppose) agree that 4 a.m. is too much free time.
Yea! she needs to see and hear a "unified front" for her safety. Second, how much faith do you put on the openness of your relationship and communication? for example, do you lay out the age appropriate details of sex, contraception, alcohol,
peer pressure...all the fears of what can occur in those 5 hours after prom. Does she reciprocate with a genuine regard for your values/concerns?

If she does, say "yes."

You may want to "arm" her with a charged cell phone, condoms (for the other kids), and a strict check-in
schedule, i.e. hourly call to mom and dad. I found that if
you allow this on the basis of trust and openness, the young adult will feel "like an adult" with the safety and conscious of family. Let her know that you are willing and ready to come and get her if she feels uncomfortable at any time.
If she breaks "the contract", let it be known that it will take a while before the trust-factor can be applied to other
events.
Lastly, your genuine love will be obvious to her. The prom may be a hyped-up social event once in her life, but your
action of trust will re-affirm to her the source of lasting important values...dad and mom.

There's a reason kids have parents... You are older and wiser. Go with your intuition. I'm sure she'll be very upset with you and your husband, but if the other kids get into trouble and she is the only one who is saved, you and she will both be grateful beyond words. That is definitely a ridiculous curfew for anyone, let alone a 16 year old. Even if there is an adult there, if it's not someone you know very well and trust completely, I would not allow it. Maybe if her curfew is 1am, you could meet them where they are at at that time and pick her up? Her embarassment is not as important as her safety. And you being her mom is more important than you being her friend.
Good Luck!
A.

Hi Patti,
I agree with you. 4am seems way too late! I know your daughter told you the other parents were ok with it but have you actually spoken to any of the other parents? They may be having the same reservations that you are.
One of the questions I had was "What exactly are these kids going to find to do driving around the city at 4am"? I know it;s a PARTY BUS but they are 16...not of legal age to drink, or go to clubs,dancing, or what?????
My guess would be that these kids THINK it sounds great but by 2am they will all probably want to go home for nothing to do.....Also is the party bus picking them up before the prom (like a limo)? If that is the case then the 5 hours would start at that time,not at the end of the prom ?
I really don't think you are over-reacting.If you are not ok with this then by all means "ruin her nite",you are still the parent and it's our job to protect them even if they think we are just being stupid...
Maybe if you talked to a couple other parents you could come up with a solution. Offer one of your house's as a dance party..they could go in the bus for awhile make a couple stops at different parent homes...stop to dance for a bit, then maybe go to a different house after say 2am for a midnight brunch breakfast, maybe even a third house where the can have a sleep out(side). When I was a teen my parents would allow us to build a fire in the pit in the yard and we would all grab our sleeping bags get comfy tell stories,roast marshmellows etc. The kids who wanted to stay up all night and party(so to speak) did,those of us who wanted or needed to fall asleep did. We always had fun,some innocent some not so much....My parents would always collect keys so no one could leave in the middle of the night for any reason, they would gather us all up in the morning & have us help make breakfast. We always had such a great time and my friends parents never worried because they knew my parents were somewhere on site,but we still felt we were given our space.
Personally I don't know what I will do in the next couple years as my own daughter starts dating etc.....I think I will be the strict mom too!!! I have already told her "no makeup, or hair coloring out of the house till your over 14,no dating (actual dates) till she's 16,no pierceing's till she's 18 and can pay for it herself! She says I am WAY TOO STRICT..but I am just trying to protect my girl.... Do anything you need to do.....cause NO ONE else will. Only you know what is best for your child.
Good Luck & let me know how it works out..L.

I would be very cautious. I teach at a local high school and a group of students rented a party bus a year a two ago where kids where drinking, doing drugs and various sexual acts were performed on the bus. The students admitted to this and a lot of it was caught on video tape. I also have students tell me that crazy stuff happens on party buses. From my 6 years of working with high schoolers, the kids that generally rent party busses are rumored to be involved with some drinking or drugs, but at school they are usually good students and involved with activities. Also, when I was in high school, I had good grades all through school and Christian parents that were really strict. I would drink almost every weekend and come home on time and my parents never had a clue. I am not proud of that today, but just to let you know kids are very clever these days.

wow. i think that i had a good high school experience but my curfew was 11:00. personally 12 or 1am on prom night should be ok but 4am, that is just crazy! i am 30 years old and when i go out i have a good time but i can count the number of times that i have stayed out until 4 on one hand. i think that letting a 16yr old stay out until 4am is a bit much. after that who knows what she will ask for. i can imagine that it must be really hard to tell her no when "everyone else" is able to do that. but my mom did it ALL the time. when i was in high school there were a lot of parents who did questionable things including buying alcohol for their children. so i wouldn't assume these other parents are in their right mind. i think that a compromise would be better. hope that helps.

I don't know if this helps, but my son is seventeen and went on one on Saturday for his prom. I got on it to look. Pretty amazing. I was really worried myself, but all of us parents were there to send them off (he started and finished prom on it) and it brought him back to our area and he arrived home about 3 in the morning. I guess I'd rather he do that then be out and about prowling around town in the middle of the night. They drove to Chicago, apparently got out at Millenium park and then got back in and came back. There were 26 kids I think. All very protective of each other. And the driver was very professional looking and acting. The mom who set it up took all of our names (Gosh forbid) in case of emergency and there weren't any and he is fine. It is not an answer for you and he is a boy but I still freak out when he is a minute late and he is still seventeen- younger than a lot of seniors as his birthday was on the cutoff date, so it didn't change my rules any, but he had a wonderful time, memory and probably won't ever do it again.Oh and I want to add this, sex can be had anywhere, so if that is a worry, I worry more about them sitting in a car in the middle of the night. And as far as alcohol goes encourage the school to do random breathalyzers. My son's school did just that and he said they called out only one name all night for something and he wasn't even sure what that was for. So, if that helps at all...

Let me start by saying that my kids are not yet teenagers, so you have to take what I write with that in mind. One of the hardest things about parenting, I think, is that doing the "right" thing is easy to say but hard, in the actual day to day reality, to do.

That said, I do not think you can let what other parents do be your guide. Your guide has to be your own sense of what is right. If you want your daughter to learn that one must not succumb to peer pressure, you must not make this decision based on what she says the other parents are doing. You don't feel comfortable letting her stay out until 4am on a "party bus" at age 16, don't let her. Stick by you feeling of what is right. Be an example to her of the importance of following one's own conscience.

Besides, who actually knows how the other parents feel. They may have made their decision exactly the way you are about to -- "well, I guess if all the other parents think its okay...."

Good luck. Trust yourself.
S.

The only thing they can do on a party bus between those hours are drinking alcohol or worse. If you are sure you want her to go, and if you're ok with her drinking, then tell her I guess she can go, at least she's not driving, but if you aren't ok with alcohol or other foreign substances, then let her know you will test her b4 and after the prom, and what the consequences will be. Go to Longs, and pick up what kit you feel she'll need. They have them there, also find out the company who's transporting, and let them know they will have under aged minors in their vehicle, and are responsible for drinking. You could also go to the prom at 11, and follow them. Where are they going to drive around for 5 hours, besides from party to party. Personally, yes it's prom, but you still have an obligation as her parent, so do you love her enough to have her hate you for awhile? Is she a good kid? Does she get good grades? Does she give in to peer pressure? Is her boyfriend a nice guy? These are things you need to ask yourself. If you don't mind her having a celebratory drink or two, then she needs to know her borders and consequences, and stick to 1 or 2 drinks, or 1 per hour and water in between. You don't need a 4 a.m. phone call from the morgue or hospital from alcohol poisoning. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you did ask for advice. And you are her mother, not her best friend. And remind her, you are not here to ruin her life, you're here to make sure she has a good life. And if she's raised to the best that you can do,and she's trustworthy, you need to hope and trust she makes the right decisions. If she hangs around not so good girls, then she can go out till your choice of curfew, and you will pick her up at 'X' time, but not at 4 a.m. maybe 1 or 2 a.m. is plenty of time, but let her know, there are consequences. And stick to your decision. Have you spoken with the other parents? or is each kid telling their parents the same story? or that they are staying the night at each others houses? Investigate. And go with your gut instinct. Be a chaperone at the prom? Tell her you'll meet her at midnight, and 2, and 4 a.m. Have her call you every hour and listen to her speech. Bottom line, get the drivers cell #, and check in with him. I hope this helps. But that's one mom's opinion. Good luck. H. R

Hi,
I read this and feel for you. I am that mom that is probably the strictest! :) But, my advice would be to contact some of the other parents and get their take on it, see where they stand. I have been on one of those party busses myself, and they are a blast. Would it be too much to ask her to be home at 2 a.m. vs. 4 a.m? Just a thought. Good luck!

I know it's too late for this year, but if you start planning for next year it might be a good solution. I live in Wheaton, and our two high schools implemented a school sanctioned post prom party at the community center from 12a.m. to 3a.m. They had a raffle for car the first year and you have to stay the whole time to get the raffle prizes. A local car dealership donated the car. There are bands, food, "tatoo parlor" senior room, all kinds of fun stuff to do, but in a safe environment. And you don't have to go to the dance to enjoy the post prom party. Parents do all the decorating and planning of the different rooms and the kids love it. And it's less expensive and safer than driving around downtown or something. Because of the great door prizes the first year, a lot of people came and stayed the whole time, and it's been a big hit every year since. Inflatable sumu wrestling, all kinds of stuff that you can't do just anywhere else. Both the high schools in Wheaton do it and we use the whole park district building. It takes a lot of planning, but all the parents are very happy to have this as a fun, safe alternative to other post prom activities so are happy to pitch in. The kids usually go do something like the beach or great america or whatever the next day as well, weather permitting. There are rules about leaving and if you leave before 2 a.m. parents are called to let them know. The kids change into comfortable clothes after prom so they can enjoy the stuff to do, and it's a great alternative! Something to think about. It's certainly a success in our area.

J.

Hi There - If you have established a reason not to trust your daughter then make her come home right after the prom but if she hasn't done anything to loose your trust...trust her. I would certainly give her some advise....drinking, drugs, boys and their advances....and let her go. Make sure you are available to pick her up no matter where she is or what time and let her know you are just moments away if she needs you.

I have had three children graduate from High school and currently have a freshman. Are those other parents insane? Why don't they just rent them a hotel room and be done with it? Of course the 'real fun' is in the party bus, there will be no chaperones. I personally feel that you are doing your child a favor if you help her stay away from potentially dangrous situations until after she is 18 and responsible for herself. While she can make bad choices any time, letting her go on the bus is putting your stamp of approval on whatever happens. Congratulations on being a good parent and caring what happens to your daughter. She will have lots of friends thru life but only one mother, so be her mother, not her friend, and stop worrying about whether your decisions make her happy.

I would never, ever let my daughter go on a bus with a bunch of teenagers un supervised!!! Never!!! Think about all the things that could and will happen (trust me they will happen) on that bus! We were teens not so long ago and we do know what goes on. My youngest is a senior this year and I would not allow him to do it either!! The thing that my kids' friends did was rent a hotel room to go to after wards! NOT!!! My kids had to be home about an hour after the prom was over. Period! YOu are the parent. Keep your standards high!! You are not being too strict!!! Too many parents end up with pregnant teens, teens that drink way too much, end up with STD's and wonder....what did I do wrong????? DUH!!

i'm surprised by the number or responses that assume that only bad behavior will occur if teens stay out on prom night. when i was that age the time to make real trouble, ie. sex, drinking, drugs, was the middle of the day when parents had few fears, were more lenient, and were most likely to be at work. my parents were the overly strict sort (i went to catholic school and most of us came from those kinds of families.) even in high school i saw a trend that told me that those kids were the ones most likely to rebel when out of the their parents' control. i went to catholic college and saw it happen even more frequently. but the kids whose parents had put some trust in them were less likely to go overboard with alcohol!

i was 15 when my first boyfriend asked me to his junior prom. my parents were less than thrilled but in the end they let me stay out until 5am! it was just the bf, me, and one other couple who our parents all knew. i got great grades, volunteered, and worked a 30 hour week and my "part time job." the bf and friends had similar attributes. in the end we ended up driving around nyc (we went to high school in jersey city.) there was no sex, no drinking. i think our only stop was a comedy club, where they reluctantly let us in and made up by $10 worth of soda because of a drink minimum we couldn't fulfill. it was great fun, and we were no trouble. at the prom the next year we drove down to the jersey shore to write our names in the sand under the moonlight and watch the sun rise!

i'm just saying that this might be one of those memorable moments when it's time to show your teen you trust them, if in fact he or she has earned it. if it were the case i would ask for frequent check ins by phone, and for an itinerary for the night. there is nothing special about prom night that would or could not happen on any given wednesday at 3:30 pm

Hi Patti,
I am a mother of 5 children, all mine. The oldest is 27 and the youngest 10!
You are asking the age old question, "What will my daughter think of me?"
We all have a need to be accepted, and we all want our children to think we are wonderful and "cool", but sometimes tough love is needed instead of our feeling good about ourselves.
Every human being has an innate desire to live within boudaries.
If you tell your daughter she cannot go on the party bus, yes, she will be very upset, especially if her best friends will be on that bus.
But as a parent, I am sure it won't take much for you to imagine all that will be going on, on that bus.
Sounds like you want to protect your daughter, and you should.
Having her best interest at heart, will not make you popular at the moment.
You can offer her an alternative. Have an after prom party at your home. Music, food, video games, movies, etc. You can even have the party last all night, that way no parent will be wondering where their child is. End it with breakfast at 5 or 6 am, and then have the parents pick up their kids in the early morning at your home.
You won't get much sleep, but at least you will KNOW what your daughter is doing, and where she is.
She might even be popular for throwing an after prom party.
Tough love also means offering an agreeable alternative.
In the end you daughter will thank you for loving her so much. It might take a few years for her to "see" it, and thank you, but like I said, setting these types of boundries are really what kids want even though they will never tell it to your face.
Have a great prom night mom!
K.

Truthfully, I would tell her no.And it isn't about trusting HER; it's about everyone else. AND that's a looong time to be on a Party Bus and not get in some kind of situation, I think. Of course, my daughter is starting high school, and will be apalled at my answer to you, but...you are not other people's parents...you are hers! Do what YOU think is right...which, it sounds like, is the actual Prom. If the "real fun is on the bus", I'd say enjoy the prom, kid, cuz there is no bus for YOU!
That sounds awful, but...I'm with you on this one. Prom shouldnt be about the bus. Sounds like the bus is about booze to me. I would tell her no. She WILL survive.
(Hard to believe my daughter's friends think I am the cool mom, huh?)

Sorry this is so long....

We recently had a similar situation witn our 16 year-old son. He was invited to a party with a bunch of kids he hangs out with all the time. The host family has a hot tub and the parents are pretty hands-off with the whole thing. There was a rumor that the parents were going to a birthday party at the same time as the kids' party. I called the host mom and verified to see if they were to be at home with the kids' party. The end result was that the parents weren't going to be at the house with the kids. We told our son he couldn't go because there was no supervision. He was annoyed but took it pretty well. We arranged for him to go over to a friend's house to play X-Box and hang out, since we had plans to go out for the evening.

The host parents rationalized it by saying this: the kids are going to be off to college in 1 1/2 years and they have to learn sometime how to handle themselves, and they're a really nice bunch of kids. All true, however, we put it this way to our son: sixteen year olds are not legally responsible (they're still minors); we have a responsibility to help him stay out of trouble; this is a situation that can very easily get out of hand and everyone could be in over their heads, literally, very quickly. Finally, there is huge potential for him to be in a situation that he couldn't handle. My husband then gave him a run down of the unsupervised-teenage-party results from his youth (kid fell asleep smoking a joint and burned down the house, kids got drunk and wrecked the car resulting in serious injury for all occupants, and last but not least, white girl has sex, gets pregnant and has baby, parents are outed as serious bigots upon finding out that the father of the baby is black.) All situations that 16 year olds are very ill-equipped to handle.

Soooo, some parent has to be renting the bus, since this is beyond the legal and financial limits and capabilities of any 16 year old. Find out who it is and talk to them. Find out if there will be parental supervision; find out what is going on while the kds are on this bus;find out where this bus is going; find out if you can meet them and pick up your daughter at a time you find acceptable, or better yet, find out if you can go along, even if you have to pay your share to do it.

Don't abdicate your responsibility because you're afraid that your daughter will be mad. She'll get over it, or even be secretly relieved. Talk to other parents of the kids going on the bus, my bet is your not alone in being concerned.Finally, if the whole situation goes against your better judgement, say no. Don't create a situation that she will exploit later. Stick to your guns and be the parent. Our son was a little annoyed, but has not had any social backlash from his peers.

By the way, we were the only parents who said no. Another mom let her son go to the party against her gut feelings. She ended up picking him up early when he called her because things got a little weird for him.

Be the parent, she'll get over it.

Will there be adult chaperones on this party bus?

I would have a big problem with this as well. Even if it was well chaperoned, I would still require my daughter to be home at curfew. I have a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. My kids can't even date until they are 16. I might allow a little bit later curfew for a prom night, but not 4 AM - I would say 12 or 1 AM is plenty late. Follow your gut and stick to your guns - don't let your daughter or her friends/parents intimidate you against what you feel is right.
I would be very concerned about what was going on on a 'party bus' at 3 AM - it can't be good. And if there are no adult chaperones at all, I would probably give her the option of that I will volunteer to be a chaperone, or she couldn't be on the party bus at all.

I would tell her to take a cell phone, and discuss with her how she will get home by 1 AM (or what time you decide) - will you meet the bus and take her home? Will her date bring her back? If she is being taken to the prom by a guy who will be angry that she has to go home earlier than the other kids, then I would talk to my daughter about respect. And tell her to figure it out, because she doesn't have an option - and that her prom can be as fun as she makes it to be - even if she has to be home by 1 AM. If she is going to have a miserable time because she can't stay out all night, then that is her decision.

I get all the time from my kids that 'other parents' let their kids do all sorts of things. I tell them I don't care - I'm not in a popularity contest, and that I care about my kids and their safety. I care what happens to them. I trust my kids, but I will not knowingly put them in difficult or questionable situations. I will not throw them into lion's dens and hope I can trust them that they won't get eaten.

I don't consider something like this 'all in good fun' - at this age, kids can make decisions that will affect the rest of their lives. I don't believe 16 years old is old enough to make all adult decisions. Some, yes. But all, no.

Bottom line is if you are uncomfortable with it, hold your ground. Your daughter needs to respect your wishes and your values. You are responsible for her - she will be responsible for herself in 2 years. She needs to know where you stand.

Hi Patti,

I'm sure you'll get a lot of parents advice regarding this issue but I wanted to give you the perspective of someone who was allowed to do something similar for both the Jr and Sr Proms. For both of them, we had a limo (Jr was 8 of us, Sr was 10 of us) and after the prom let out, we took them to San Francisco and drove around the city, up to Coit Tower to walk around and then to Fishermas Warf to walk around. With the Jr Prom, the limo was just short enough to drive down Lombard Street.

All of this was between 11pm and 3am. Most of the drivers know this is going to happen as it is customary after prom in the area for kids to go out, and they keep a good eye on them.

As far as you being leary about it, it comes down to how much you trust your daughter and her friends. My parents knew all my friends and their dates, not to mention their parents. We also all ended up sleepig at my house after we got home. So all of us came back to one location for the remainder of the night. This made all of the parents feel better becasue they knew if there was a problem, my folks would raise the alarm.

I have read a lot of responses below and many of them assume there will be alcohol with this bus. We had none and had a great time. Just because kids are together does not mean they automatially drink or are going to do something bad.

I have to say it is two nights of my high school life I still remember almost 20 years later. The pictures we took and the fun we had has lasted. The responsibility we were given for our behaviour I think made us better kids and it was nice that our parents trusted us.

I know things are different now for kids and parents and who knows what we'll decide when ours hits that age! Thank goodness I've got 16 years to go. Good luck with your decision.

A.

Patti,

I haven't had to deal with this one yet -- my daughter's only 14 -- but it's around the corner for me. I agree that letting 16-year-olds stay out unsupervised on a bus until 4 am is way too lenient, and I also agree that other parents seem to be afraid to say no to their kids. It's a tough call. But your daughter's safety (and perhaps celibacy!) is at stake. I think I'd be the mean one and say "prom only," and hope that in a few years she'll understand it was done out of love and concern. Or perhaps you could offer to let her go on the bus for an hour or so, and meet them somewhere?

Good luck to you. Let us know how it turns out!

K.

I am the mother of a almost 13 year old, who is kind of a book worm, computer girl. Even if she was 16, I still wouldn't allow her to go unchaperoned on a party bus that starts @ 11:00pm for 5 more hours. I feel you're concern, and you are not too strict. These days it seems anything goes and our children expect the same. We can't let society and peer pressure get the best of us as parents. I have friends that would also see this as no big deal, but I would. Trust in our children is one thing, but I think unsupervised, idle time creates mischievious behavior, and if she is with a group of friends that create peer pressure, they are apt to do things they wouldn't normally do. Believe it or not kids do like boundaries, and maybe you could come up with a better alternative to going on the bus. I am glad to know there are other parents out there that have good values and struggle with daily moral issues that many of us do always trying to do the right thing. Remember, always trust your gut feeling, it is usually always right.
Hope this helps, and good luck.

:)

Id say let her go and have fun, but have her checkin every hour if she has a cell phone or whatever. Just trust her to do the right thing.

~M.~ a 16 year old girl also going to her jr. Prom.

Hello,

I dont have kids near that age, I am a young person myself. If I would have tried something like that as a teenager, my parents would have killed me. My parents were more strict then most, but it did me alot of good.

Ok, my opinion, let her go...... for a few hours. Get that fun out of her system and be home at a reasonable time, by your standards. Then she cant say you ruined her night, because, after all, you did let her go(and you didnt have to). But she need to understand that she is only 16 and has no business running around town until 4 in the morning. If she does get alittle upset about having to come earlier then her friends, trust me she'll get over it eventually.

Just an FYI, my parents wouldn't have let me go at all, so your not the most strict parents in town.

Hope this helps.

-Ash

Wow, that is a tough one. It all depends on how well you know your daughter and her friends. And how well you understand your daughter's belief system. If it was my daughter, I'd let her go because I know all her friends and her. They are like my kids, they'd end up playing guitar hero and playing "boxers and briefs" (a board game) all night.

Also, how do you know that all the parents are being so lenient? It is possible that another parent is being just as tough as you are? If you know these kids, talk to their parents. Find out. Are all the kids under 18? If so, or if it is mixed the party bus company is liable if anything illegal happens. Call the party bus company and ask them what this "party" consists of. Ask them what type of chaperone is part of this. How do they keep underage drinking or any other illegal activity from happening on their buses? Also, is the bus dropping everyone off at home? If not, how are these children getting home at 4 a.m.? There are a lot of details.

It may be that they fully understand that they will have kids on board and know how to handle it. Also, does she have a cell phone? We have a rule in our house with my kids and their cell phones. If mom or dad calls, you answer..period. If you don't, you are grounded. Period. (There are a few exceptions like when my daughter is at rehearsal and on stage, she calls us back.) If your daguther has a cell phone, periodically call during the night. Or send her with a camera and let her take a mess of pictures, for fun. Then the next day, sit and go through all the pictures with her letting her explain all the fun they had. It will let you see what went on. Just make sure you snag the camera when she comes home so she can't delete any when she finds out you want to view them with her.

However, if you know and trust your daughter, this is a good trust of faith for you and her. A good way to let her know htat you understand that she is becoming an adult and needs to responsible for her decisions. We have instilled in our children the knowledge that they alone are resonsible for their actions and their actions alone. That means that someone else cannot make them do anything they don't want to and they can't stop someone from doing what they are bent on doing. The only thing they can control is themselves and their decisions. That has ended a lot of arguments and prevented a munch more. Now, when something happens, my daughter has said, "It's my fault, I should have done.....blank." When they admit to making a wrong decision, they still get in trouble, but we sit and talk about what they could have done to make a better decision. Now, if it was my daughter (she's 17) and she came and asked me if she could go? I'd say yes. But I'd be involved and up when she got home.

The bottom line is that you love your daughter and be calm and rational about discussing this with her. This decision cannot be made with emotions. Gut instinct can play a factor but sometimes our gut instincts are tainted by our fear. If you discover that the bus isn't prepared for underage teens, then say no and cite your facts to your daughter letting her know that you aren't saying no because you don't trust her, it is because the company isn't to be trusted and it will put her and her friends at risk. When they are 16/17, we have the hardest time as parents because they are still our little ones in our heart, but we have to trust that we have given them a strong foundation to make decisions for themselves. It is painful and tough, but if we keep treating them like little kids, they will rebel. Think about how you would have felt at that age. I always tell my kids that I am not so old that I don't remember what it was like to be their ages. I do, but I have to temper those feelings and memoroies with the fact that I am older and wiser now (LOL) and will use that knowedge to help them make the best decisions they can. Maybe suggest an alternate party? Discuss with her how your prom was? There is no easy answer to this. We can only make decisions on our situations. I have no idea how your daughter feels or thinks on this so I can't tell you what to do, but trust yourself and don't second guess your decision.

It sounds to me like the other parents are way too lenient!!!
I think you should talk with your daughter and let her know the reason why she isn't going to be allowed to go on the bus.
I would tell her that we allow her to go to the prom, because
we want her to have fun, but we love her too much to let her put herself in such danger. Point out some of the news stories that have been in the paper in the past about how teenagers who come from their proms/balls end up in the hospital afterwards because of drunk driving or just simply unsafe driving. She probably won't understand right now, but later when she is older she will.
Good Luck,
M.

Chaperone, chaperone, chaperone. One parent who is willing to go, a parent that the kids won't be totally mortified by their presence.

Also keep in mind that the driver will more than likely be a responsible adult, the kids won't be allowed to drink or do anything illegal because the party bus company will be held liable.

Also! A brilliant friend of my mother-in-law's once told me about the goodnight kiss test. She told her girls they could go out, they had a curfew but the rule was that they had to come kiss her goodnight when they got home. (this way she could smell any smoke or alcohol on their breath.) Genius idea!

Good luck!

Tell your daughter that if she wants to be able to go you have to be able to talk to a few of the other parents. Confirm with them that it is ok with them...
We have given our daughter (my stepdaughter) a long rope and she has learned a few times that do something we dont approve of and that rope is cut... drasically. Maybe talk to her about your concerns and let her know that you trust her its others that you do not; and that she should feel free to be able to contact you at any time that night to come get you, with no questions asked AT THAT TIME. Tell her you may want to ask a few questions or discuss it later on; but right then (if she does call) just say thank you for calling and let it go. My parents did that with me. Its called the contract for life from SADD/MADD and it is a conversation piece and opens the line of communication with parents.

Definately, call the parents of the other girls and find out what their thinking is. I always got with my daughter a "all of the other parents don't care", but came to find out that that wasn't always true. Good luck!

Perhaps you can call one of the other parents to see why they are so comfortable with it, this may ease your mind and you might discover that they are not as comfortable with it as you think. Also if you decide it is alright, you might want to give you # to the bus driver who can call you at some designated time. Even talk to them (party bus drivers) about what goes on you are in fact paying him (at least someone is). Its not unreasonable to do any of the above, and you don't have to ask your daughter for permission. Good luck.

You should be a parent. A 16year old out until 4am is an ugly waiting to happen. If other parents do not think this is an issue-shame on them. Ultimately you have a responsibility to your daughter and for her safety. And just what are these kids going to do on a party bus until 4am? You were young once-think about it. Does this really make sense? And she's also a junior. I grew up in an era where prom's were reserved for seniors, so naturally I am opposed to a junior wanting to go to prom anyway. The other kids she is going with are they juniors or seniors? As a parent you have to make hard decisions that are not always going to be popular with any teenager-that's a parents primary job. It is also your job to ask a million questions. You'd be suprised at some of the answers. As a parent also, do not be manipulated with "she's going to be upset because you ruined her night." How would you feel if something bad happened that night that ruined her life. Things to think about.

I have a seventeen year old daughter. I would let her go, there are a few reasons. These are her High School years and girls are suppose to go to the Prom and have an after party. My policy is no drugs or alcohol. Safety is in numbers..

I would state strict rules though. No getting off the bus or something like that. My daughter had a party bus at the last major dance. And I spoke to the driver when he picked them up, in private so the kids didn't know. On that bus the kids had an awesome time. My daughter came home and told me all the stories about singing and dancing.

My daughter would tell you that I am very strict and need to know too many details..but I think she will appreciate it when she gets a little older.

Hello Patti, Please tell me your not afraid of telling her no, this is the reason why so many kids now in this generation are so disrespectful, because the parents what so bad for the kids to fit in they compromise there rules. please do not be afraid.

I am a single mom with 2 teenage boys, my oldest is going to the prom this month and he wants to go to this party after the dance, I agreed because I have spoken to the parents who are throwing the party. He wanted to just stay over a friends house after the party because everyone is going to. No way I said, I told him , I will be picking you up no later then 1am , he said why? I said because I want to talk and see you before you head off to sleep , I want to see how your night was I am looking forward to that part of the night. Now I really do want to talk but the real reason is I want to make sure he was not drinking or anything.

so he agreed, I also told him if he did not like it he could stay home.

I don't think you are being too strict... It's not like she's a senior and this is her last chance or something. Do what you are comfortable with.
That being said, it is customary to do things like that after proms.
When I was 16 and went to the Junior Prom we spent the night at a friend's house - basically at the tail end of a house party - of course my parents didn't know that part. Coincidentally, I was really tiered when we got there, so I said "Hi" to people had a couple of conversations (I don't think I even had a drink) and then went to bed.
Senior prom we spent the night in a hotel in the city. I had a boyfriend that couldn't go, so I went w/ my friend. We definetly stayed up and drank, but no one had sex or even fooled around at all. We actually had a great time just hanging out and being silly.
Things to remember:
If its a party bus and the driver knows they aren't 21, then there's got to be a rule about no drinking on the bus. So that means (worst case) there might be a couple of kids in the back with a flask - big deal - that's not gonna get everyone drunk. Also, even if there is alcohol, it doesn't mean your daughter will want to drink.
Your daughter needs to learn how to conduct herself when there are temptations around sooner or later. Is there a perfect age for that?
Assuming your daughter has not been in any serious trouble, and she is fairly respectful, if I were you, I would find out all the details, set appropriate ground rules and let her figure it out. She's not drinking and driving, and you can be fairly certain there won't be any sex (since they are on a party bus) so really, what's the worst that could happen?
I've been on the same "party bus" you are talking about - noting is private on the bus. The kids will probably be hyper and really annoying and drive the bus driver insane, but as far as any real damage, I think not.
Good Luck :)

Dear Patti,

I think too many parents are lenient these days. If she complains about you "ruining her night," she is playing you and trying to do what any typical could would, which is push to get what she wants. I say do what you feel is right and best for your child and family and not to worry about what other parents are doing. You and ONLY you have to live with your actions. The other parents must live with theirs.

Let your conscience be your guide.

J.

The "fun" she describes is probably drinking related. I would be firm with her, and not allow the party bus.

4 am is ridiculously late for children to stay out, and I'd be surprised if all the parents knew the details.
Even so, do not let other parents foolish decisions determine your boundaries for your daughter.

I agree with you. I have an 18 year old step daughter and even though I don't have much say with her, I wouldn't let her stay out until 4am. I would probably be more accepting at her senior prom. Really, what are a bunch of kids going to do after hours (drink, drugs, etc). Just because other kids are going doesn't mean you have to say yes. Otherwise we would all be buying our kids cars at 16. Maybe compromise if that makes you feel better. Good luck! Teenagers are tough!

As a parent of a boy who just graduated from high school last year, the after parties are where the trouble is too! Are you sure the other parents are comfortable. Have you all met, and talked about what the kids will be doing after the dance in the limo? Since its past curfew, what will they really be doing? Could you and some of the other parents offer to provide some entertainment, and another group of parents offer to host brunch, etc...so that someone is checking in with those kids, or expects them to be somewhere. We did, and were so glad we did! They had places to be, games to play, food and adults knew where they were. They will have plenty of time to grow up...don't rush it.

Good Luck, Mom of 3 boys

Seriously - unless she has a history of drugs and alcohol and bad behavior, I would totally let her go. I don't think that's being a "lenient" parent, I think it is more like an understanding parent. Teenagers are funny. Don't think that because you won't let her go on the bus means she won't get into trouble. (if she is prone to trouble) I knew kids at prom (when I was in HS) that left prom early to get drunk or have sex or whatever because their parents wanted them home at midnight. So instead of enjoying the prom, they left...and still did the things their parents were avoiding.

We always had sleepover partiest at a hotel after our proms. It was probably a SAFER way to go because you are in a group. The girls usually look out for one another...and even if there is drinking etc. It doesn't have to be done.

let's be honest, if they want to drink or have sex that can be done any day, any time, doesn't mean prom is where it will happen.

In my opinion, the more you resist, the more teens will rebel and get away with stuff (but behind your back! which is worse) I don't care how good of a kid you have, they are teens and will do stuff regardless of the limits you put on. I saw tons and tons of kids doing horrible stuff in rebellion to their strict parents. Mine on the other hand where not as strict, I never had the need to sneak around or get into worse trouble.

If she is an all around good kid, give her a break, and trust her. Odds are, on the party bus, nothing really bad will happen since they are in a group, and there are rules that go along with the bus. I would let her stay till it ended at 4 am, what is 2 hours....and one fun day of her life. You hate to be the kid with the protective mother showing up like a crazy person picking them up at 2 am somewhere in town. She is 16 and well on to her way of being an adult. This is one little road she has to travel on her way to growing up.

It's not like you are giving them the freedom to do whatever after prom un chaperoned. This is probably one of the better solutions...the party bus. No driving is involved, no aimless kids not knowing what to do with themselves and it keeps them busy. Dropping off to eat, and going to millenium park sounds great. Let he go and have fun. She won't be hurt from staying up late. I'm sure she stays up later at sleepovers with friends.

Have you spoken to the other parents? Sometimes kids tell you that the other parents said yes just so you'll say yes. Because I don't know how any parent can let their 16 yr old child go out till 4am. I don't think you are being too strict. Maybe you can let her go out for an hour after the prom & then you can pic. her up. So then that way she can still enjoy the prom & the bus but just for a little while. Good luck

Patti,

I have five children and four of them are teenage boys! You must use your instinct. My gut has always lead me to the truth. You must know and trust all of the friends she is going with. You and I both know there is nothing GOOD to come out of all of those teenagers being out from 11pm to 5am. You should put yourself in their heads for a moment and I think you will come up with a compromise. My kids are 19,18,17,14 and 2. I have great boys and am very grateful but have had my share of stress and worry.........set a foundation and everything built from it will be strong.

B.

Hello Patti
As a one time 16 -year old myself,I know I'd have a real hard time saying yes to my daughter because of the things I did.
I think it all depends on you and your family rules.
Does your daughter understand the simple fact that what other families to has no baring on yours?
But if you should decide to let her you might want to consider...
How late is she allowed to stay out on a regular date, how are her grades?
Also too ask what bus company they will be partying with..where will it be going?
Call the bus company ask what are their guidelines for driving around minors..do they allow them to drink alcohol or smoke on the bus?..what is the itinerary?
Good luck I hope it all works out for the best.

You are her parent and you make the rules. If they are different from other parent's rules then that's tough. Please stick to them; your daughter will respect you for them later. Anyway, 11 p.m. is certainly late enough for a 16 year old girl to be out and about, and besides, she WILL have fun at the Prom. Don't worry.

Are all of the other kids 16, or are they older? Is there not a midnight curfew for minors anymore?

What about compromising? Perhaps let her go, but work with the party bus driver to schedule a drop off at 1:30. She got to ride the bus, and she's home at a relatively decent hour. If they can't drop her at your house, can you meet them somewhere?

Is the party bus not picking them up and taking them to the prom? If that is the case, then the time starts when the pick up happens, and the clock ticks by while they are dancing at the prom too...

Perhaps you could let her go on the Party Bus for just a few hours but not the whole time. The bus could drop your daughter off at a pre-planned destination and you could pick her up. I know it's hard sometimes, but I think you shouldn't let other parents influence what you feel is right for your child. I agree...4am is very late for a 16-year old to stay out, even on prom night. Good luck!

My oldest daughter is 22 years old, I allowed her to stay out past her curfew on prom night, granted they only went to Denny's and she was home by 2AM, but I was open to allowing her to stay out until 3AM. She went to a lot of house parties during her high school years and I always dropped her off and picked her up, this gave me a chance to meet the other parents and gave me some peace of mind. I always talked to my daughter about situations she might encounter, like drinking, drugs, consensual and nonconsensual sex. Rather than just saying no, use this as a teaching opportunity, equip her with the knowledge to make the right decisions. Let her know that if something is happening to call you and you will be there for you no questions asked. Kids usually deviate from our rules when we don't allow them to think for themselves, but in order for them to make the right choices, they then have to feel they can trust their parents not to pass judgment, to listen to them, before prescribing a consequence. Talk to your daughter about her friends and the other parents, get a sense for how they raise their children and use that information to guide your decision.

Trust your instincts. Talk to the other parents, they may feel the same way, but are unsure weather other feel the same. Or you can always offer to chaperone!

16 and out until 4:30 am alone in the city after a prom is a recipe for disaster, how irresponsible of the company for allowing it.

Good luck

Hi Patti-
I have mixed feelings about your questions. Being 25 now, it seems as if prom was not that long ago for me. I attended three proms and it was not until my senior year, one month before I turned 18, that I was given a 4am curfew on prom night. At the time I felt I shouldn't have even had a curfew. We spent the time after prom at a 24 hour bowling alley and had a blast, and I was home by 4.
Now the mother of a daughter, it's hard to imagine the rules I am going to have to enforce with her. Really, hopefully you have taught your daughter the values that would come to test on this kind of night. She does have next year though, for the rules to change if you decide against the party bus this year.
You should call and talk to the Party Bus company personally. There has to be a parent signing the contract with the company and maybe you should talk to them also. Find out the policies. Usually, atleast with a limo, the driver does not close the privacy window when there are minors present. If drinking is found to be happening, the contract will be void, parents will be call and the ride will be over. Are they planning on going anywhere, or just staying on the bus? I think you would have more to worry about off the bus, out of the drivers vision. Also, how are they getting to prom. Usually, transportation rental on prom night begins with getting to prom. It would be better for you if this was the case and the 5 hours began then, continued through prom and an hour or so after.
Good luck with your decision. Only you know your daughter well enough to make the ultimate decision. If your heart tells you no because of her ability to make decisions in the past, you probably should listen. If she's otherwise a good kid and displays the ability to follow the values you've instilled, then maybe it's time to give her this chance for trust and freedom. Be sure to let her know that if she finds herself in an uncomfortable situation and needs to call you, that she will not be punished for making the right choice.

My personal opinion is that she is your daughter, not the other parents. If you are uncomfortable tell her no. It is your decision and you'll have to live with it. If you let her go what if something happens? This is a night of drunken debauchery, do you really want to let your teenage daughter have free rein until 4:00am? Tell her no, if she fights treat her like a kid and tell her she can't even go to the prom. Curfew is 11:00pm for kids anyway, blame it on the police! Good luck.

Dear Patti,
It really depends upon the group that your daughter is running with. If these are kids who are looking for trouble, then they will find it...regardless of the time of day or night. If however, they are kids who are good students and fairly square, then they'll go to all night restaurants for food and just have the bus drive around the bay area.

I tend to agree that driving for five hours is a bit much. I would have thought that the bus would pick them up for the prom and the clock would start ticking then. That would only leave a few hours to take them for a short drive, and food and then drop them off. I would suggest this as the alternative...that way you know they get to the prom safely and arrive home safely.

Its really about being in a group and having fun. I have four grown kids and they all made it through in good shape. But, there are times when you have to adjust their plans and expectations. Its about learning the art of compromise, and diplomacey...a good tool for their lives in the real world later on.

Best wishes.

Are there any adult chaperones on the bus? I'd imagine not! Yikes! I'm not sure what I'd do, but I share your concern. Have you any way of knowing whether there will be alcohol on the bus: does the party bus company take any responsibility for what's brought onto the bus? Maybe you could start there with looking into the company that's running the bus. I'd love to know what you come up with as I also have a teenager who is going to be in this position in a couple of years. Good luck with this.

M.

Dear Patti,

One, I would check with other parents to make sure they are really saying it is okay. Second, what is a 'party bus" and what where woudl it be going during this 5 hours? What is the insurance liability, etc. I raised several girls and we had several girl exchange students, and I would not allow them to go out unsupervised to something like this. I should note that I am a very liberal person and am a sex educator, so it isn't a moral issue for me - it's about safety - and that is what I told my children (now 20, 21, and 22). If I was ruining her night, so be it. They get over it, but they don't get over things that can happen with unchaperoned teenagers. The only way I would say yes is if I knew there were parents on the bus that I trusted, no alcohol, and I knew exactly where this party bus was going for 5 hours. Stay strong and trust your instincts. Does it really matter what other parents are doing if you and your husband don't feel comfortable about it? You might offer to have some teens come over after the prom (which I'm pretty sure they would say no to because they couldn't do what they wanted).

L.

I agree that not letting her go would be being too strict but I think letting her go until 4 am is too lenient. I went to a prom when I was 16. I had just started dating because I wasn't allowed before that (thank God looking back!). I had to be home by 1 or 2 am I think it was.

Personally, I don't "trust" the bus driver. Have you seen school bus drivers? I always see how I feel about my son's bus driver in the beginning of the year and if I were uncomfortable with him/her, he would not be riding the bus. You don't have that luxury with the party bus. You have to trust that this guy isn't under some sort of influence of his own much less that he is making sure the teens follow policy. Also, he will be driving. He is not going to be able to see everything they are doing and if this bus is big enough to have 20-some teens on it as another poster suggested, that is plenty of space and opportunity to be having sex in the back.

Heck, they are doing it younger and younger. My best friend is a nurse practitioner and has had pregnant patients as young as 10 and I'm not talking about just one either. Even here I have heard about kids on a MIDDLE SCHOOL bus doing it in the back.

I agree that if they are going to do things it doesn't matter when or where but you have to think too of all the other people out on the road that night. I just really think anything past 2 am is WAY too late and is still being lenient.

Personally I'd find out what kind of "real fun" we are talking about. That is a HUGE flag because as someone else said, if all they are going to be doing is driving around for 5 hours minus one stop and they aren't supposed to have alcohol or drugs on there, what is going to be so fun about it? I would think the fun would be at the prom with the music and dancing, not driving around town in the middle of the night. :|

If this is for her junior prom what will the real thing be. I am with you there should be at least an adult with them. Don't be fooled there could be alchol/drugs and just what is there to do that time of night out opn the streets. No matter how good your child is there are all kinds of bad stuff out there. There is no easy way with this. I would sugest if you have not already done so call a parent meeting of all the kids that are going. You may find out that they are all thinking as you do. Kids will play you we all know that.

My feeling is that there should be a chaperone on the party bus. I'm not sure I would allow my 16-yr-old to be going without one. I am asking myself what exactly is a party bus? Isn't there a curfew for 16-year-olds? I don't think you are too strict. I would not allow my teen to be out that late.

I remember prom, the real fun was the parties after....... It all depends on the guidelines you set for your daughter. My daughter was not allowed to go to the prom until her junior year. Kids want to grow up too fast these days. My daughter survived and now she is really excited about her "junior prom". What are the limitations to the party bus ? Is there a chaperone ? Does it stop ? Are they restricted only to the bus ?? Is there alcohol ? All these play an important role in your decision. If they can get on and off it and bring alchohol...I would say no way. She might be mad,but you are her parent,not her buddy. She will respect you later for not allowing her to be exposed to all those temptations prom nite brings. You must remember your role in her life. You already know the answer. You are just looking for validation. Been there and support & understand your decision. Good Luck !!

Why are you afraid to tell your daughter NO? I have a 16 year old and there is no way she would be on the bus all night. I would let her go until 12:30 or 1 and then I would pick her up or the bus would drop her home. If she fought me on that she would not go on the bus at all. Why do you care what other parents do? Children need boundries. Who is paying for the bus? No 16 year old needs to be unsupervised until 4 in the morning. Of course the real fun in on the bus, I bet someone will bring beer on the bus ( I remember prom nights too) and it will go downhill from there. I think kids get too much too soon. You are her parent, she needs to know that you are looking out for her best interests and if she feels you are "ruining her night" then tell her you are sorry but maybe she would be better off to stay home.

it seems the other parents are being very lienant. staying out late in a 'party bus' puts your daughter in violation of curfew in any town. speaking from experience (many years ago) there is no guarantee that the bus driver will not allow the children to drink and smoke. since you are the parents and you are not comfortable with this there is a problem. have you spoken with the other parents? your daughter will probably be very angry not getting to go out for all hours afterwards, but you are doing what you feel is best and safest. she will understand and forgive eventually.
good luck.

I am pretty sure that all cities have curfews for those under 18 yo. I know here it is 10 or 11 pm, so maybe this could be your excuse??

How about... NO. Even though she may be mad at you, stick to your guns and do not allow other parents to dictate the rules of your home! Sixteen is still so young...

Hi Patti.

I don't have a teenager yet but I was one once and I have nine nieces. Here's my spin on your dilemma.

No, you're not too strict at all. In fact IMO, the other parents, if they are truly letting their children stay out until 4am, are not being responsible at all. Just because the prom is over at 11 doesn't mean that the kids have to wait until then to be picked up, I assume. And just because there is a 5 hour minimum doesn't mean that they have to use all 5 hours.
Of course the "party bus" is funner. There are no shaperones on the bus. And it's fun to be toted around w/a driver at your beckon-call but even the sweetest of kids get into trouble. I remember peer pressure all to well. I wish my parents were stricter to tell you the truth.

I would find a way to compromise. Let her go for a couple hours on the party bus. Set a time to be home. I would also contact the other parents and see who really is allowing their teenagers to stay out until 4 am.

Maybe surprise the party bus goers w/some party items such as snacks, appropriate beverages and/or party favors (silly string, poppers etc..). This way you look like the cool mom AND you can inspect the party bus. Hmm....lol.

Stick w/moms intuition. You know what's best for your girl.

:-) S. B

Dear Patti,

I know what you are going through. I am a 52 year old mom who has always gone with the "mommy instinct". I am sure that your daughter is a good character of judgement, but how well do you know the other kids that are going to be on this bus? Just remember that your daughter still has other prom nights to go to before she graduates. Also remember that you are a great mom no matter if you are "runing her night", she is too young to be out till 4:00 a.m.. Also call the company of this party bus and find out about the driver and the schedual stops this bus plans to make. At that time of the night there should be no Bus Stops at All. Hope this helps. T. S.

Are you kidding? What kind of "fun" do you really think is going to be had on a "party bus" for five hours? That is no place for a 16-yr-old girl, or any other high school-aged child. Have you talked with the other parents? I know this is a shock to some people, but someimes kids give their parents the "everyone else's parents said it's okay" line, when IT'S NOT REALLY TRUE. Even if aliens abducted their brains and the other parents did say it's okay, is it really okay for YOUR child? Bottome line -- no way, no how, would my 16-yr-old, girl or boy, be getting on that bus. The prom is enough excitement for one night. If that's "ruining her night," then perhaps the prom isn't what she's looking forward to.

I'm not sure why anyone would let their son or daughter roam a city for late hours at night. Why can't they rent it to pick them up take them to dinner then drop them off at the prom and then have it bring them home for the night? When I was a kid some people would do that with limo's for prom night. I agree with you she shouldn't be allowed to be out so late. And who knows what else could go on during those late hours of night. underage drinking, and other unmentionables! Maybe you should talk to the parents of the other children involved, maybe there kids are giving the same story to them and they just want their kids to be cool too! Not to say they aren't all that smart either if they would let their child do such a thing at such late hours. Good luck in your decision.

Do some extensive research on this "Party Bus". I have never heard of such a thing for 16 year olds. Who runs the bus? Is it chaperoned? Is there an age limit? What exactly do these kids do for 5 hours on a bus???? Your daughter doesn't need to know you've done this research but you definately need to check it out before saying okay. I would not say yes before knowing a lot more. Your daughter's saftey is much more important than her being upset with you for being what she would call a "strict mom". I refer to it as being a loving, concerened parent. Good luck! And if you do find out about this "Party Bus", I'd be curious to hear your findings.

I think you are too strict. Frist I will say I am a mother of three grown children 2 girls and one boys I am 58 years old and both of my girls graduated high school without getting pregant and went on to college and I think most of it was because I was very lienant and remembered how strict my parents were and how much I missed out and hated because one think for sure you can never get those days back the prom is a very special time in life especially if you are a popular girl or boy. I did have curefew for all of my children 12:00 on most weekends but on special times I went with the flow and the end results was a very happy teenager I think it builds trust. My mother told me one time what are you worried about it doesn't matter what time they come in if they have it in there mines to do something they can do it between 8 and 9 so let her go on the bus and have a good time it is 2008.

Follow your instinct. Part of being a parent is making tough decisions and being consistent in your parenting style. They eventually get over it.

I am a mom of 4 kids, 14, 10, 7 and 4.

Hi Patti, As the mother of a 14 year old I too strugle with all those issues. I have 3 children older than Victoria (by at least 10 years) so it all seems new. If it were me I would contact the bus company and find out what the responsibility of the bus driver is. Does he or she interveen when they see unwelocme behavior? Are they leagally responsibe for all the kids? What is the policy if bad behavior does happen? T.

You and your husband should do what you feel is right for your daughter. You will need to live with your decision for her. Is there any reason to be out on a party bus until 4:00 in the morning? I can't think of one. If you have a problem with her staying out so late, then you should set the limit. What exactly do they do on a party bus? There are many other ways to "ruin her night".... and they could happen on a party bus, and those have much greater consequences. This decision is about you being a parent and standing for what you believe is right for her right now. I am a high school teacher, I've heard of what has gone at these after parties. We also get many pregnant students come late spring. My suggestion is to go with your gut... being a parent isn't always easy but right now she needs you to be there as one. She will be thankful when shes older and has children of her own. I speak from experience.
Good luck S.

Hi Patti,
Been there, done that, got the T-Shirt, and my daughter who is now 23 does NOT feel I ruined her teenage years -- in fact, when I let her be the ONLY girl in the ENTIRE UNIVERSE who wasn't allowed to take off to San Francisco for a crazy kids' weekend, I was not her favorite person but she sure thanks me for it now. I say go with your gut. She can make the most of going JUST to the prom or she can pout and mope or even decide not to go at all, but it's better than your being up worrying all night long and feeling like you let her make a decision for you that is really the parent's job, not hers.

I always said, if they were able to make sound decisions at 16 that would be the age they're considered adults, 'cause Lord knows, nobody wants to live with them at that age!

Good luck :o)

Hi Patty~
Let me tell you, I feel your hesitancy, and feel your love so strongly that you want so much the right answer- I hope that when my 12yr old little girl grows up to have her 1st prom date which is not too far away, considering she will be in jr. high next year. I will hope to know what decision to make at the time as well.
For now, all I can advice you on is to go with your gut. Moms have the 6th sense they call it for a reason. YOu have to protect your daughter, no matter how she may feel about you at this point in her life. Not all parents have that instinct and if they do- it is easier to let kids be kids, then later on in life they regret so many things.
If I was you- I would not let my 13yr old stay out til 4am- I would let her know how I feel and just allow her enough time for the prom, maybe an hour to say bye to her friends after, but then be home by midnight. And pray her friends are not on the morning news the next day or something of that sort. Not that I wish something to happen to those other little girls, the same age- but all you can control is your own. Good luck and I will put a little prayer of wisdom for you and yours :)

my first question would be - who are the chaperones? I don't think that 16-year old's can rent a party bus. An reasonably aged adult would have had to rent it. Find that out, and talk to them about it, and/or volunteer to be a chaperone yourself! Good luck with that one! :)

Hi Patti,
I have 2 teenagers at home, they are not my own children they are my husbands neice & nephew, my sister-in-law passed away 3 years ago and the kids have been with us since then however, my nephew is 15 (pretty close to your daughters age) and my niece is 12 and I totally agree with you. 4am is too late for any high school teenager to be out, regardless of them being in a group or not. If either of my kids made this request I would be feeling the same way you are, you are definetley not being too strict and I agree that the other parents are being too lienant. However I also understand you don't want to "ruin" her night, a suggestion I have is, if possible maybe figure out a "decent" time for her to be home. whether it be midnight or 1am, and find out where the party bus may be at that time and you could pick her up? As embarassing as she may say it would be for her would she rather get picked up a little early or not be able to go on the party bus at all? Maybe find a discreet place to meet her so her friends don't see? I may be out in left field with this but these are options I would offer my children. Good Luck to you Patti, please let us know what you decide

Hi Patti,
I hear where you are coming from. My kids are now 26 & 25 and I too was a very strict mom. I can't tell you how many times I was faced with do I let them go or do I make them stay. My best times with my daughter was prom time. We shopped for weeks in advance for the perfect everything and had a wonderful time doing it. Junior Prom is a once in a lifetime experiance, we all know that. The way I handled things were "how much and to what degree can I trust my child". Our house was the hang out house so I knew all of my kids friends and their parents which helped a lot. My kids knew what the rules were, and believe me there were many, as did their friends. I had always been and still am very upfront with my children. They new if they broke the rules there would be hell to pay. Last Christmas my family was sitting around the Christmas tree talking about old times. Both my kids told me that they feared me more than anyone, even the law. I was a little surprised to say the least but I guess I made my point and that was follow my rules. I am very proud to say that my kids have never been in any kind of trouble either at school or with the law. I took my mom duties very very seriously. I was their mom not their friend. It is a very hard job to be a parent but I always believed that it was I who needed to set the example. My children and I have a wonderful relationship to this day. Bottom line is do you have a child you can trust to make adult decisions with an adult privilege and can you trust their friends? Good luck Patti, I wish you the best!

Terry

First of all, it doesn't matter what the other kid's parents are doing. If you ask me, they are being irrisponsible. 16 year olds do not belong out that late at night, they can only get into trouble. You need to stick to your guns and tell your daughter that you are uncomfortable letting her go out in the party bus. That you don't care what her friends are doing (you know the saying, if they were jumping off a bridge would you too?). She will probably be angry with you for it, but she'll get over it and later she will be glad you cared enough to keep her home and safe :).

I didn't go to any school dances except my senior prom. When I went I was 16 and after prom my friends and I had rented a hotel room for afterwards and didn't come home until 10am the next day. When we got to the hotel we all put on our pajamas and just talked about everything we did and saw at prom before passing out.

So I think it depends on your daughter and what you know of her friends. I was a nerd in highschool and so were my friends. We were in the drama club and played magic the gathering card game in front of the theater at lunch. The kids who wore heavy eye makeup and dressed all in black used to throw half finished sodas at us.

Our parents trusted us to stay out all night and be responsible and we never let them down.

You are the only one who can make the decision for your own child because you know her better than anyone who can write in and give you advice. You know her friends. Do you catch her in lies often? Does she not contact you when you let her stay out later than usual? Does she have a habit of getting into trouble? Do her friends encourage bad behavior?

I know that I can't say that I'd let my little girl stay out all night with her friends because I don't know what she's like yet. She's not even two yet. But I wouldn't do it just because I got to. She may end up as one of the kids who used to throw stuff at me and my friends in high school. If she does, she won’t be staying out all night on prom.

Also, kids in a pack are usually safer than a kid or two all alone and since they will have a driver all night, you don't have to worry about her getting into a car with a drunk friend. Even if they do drink a little, they'll have a driver to take them through the Taco Bell drive through in the big bus (lol) when the get hungry.

Oh my gosh! That seems very late! My daughter is a baby so I don't have a teenager right now but I remember when I was a senior in highschool my mom let me stay out late and I supposedly was staying with a friend for the night but that seemed more reasonable b/c I was going to college the next year. I would want to talk to the other parents of the other girls involved and find out why they are so comfortable. Do they have older daughters that did the same thing?
You may be ruining her night if she has to go home but I remember what happens after the prom and that is drinking, drugs and making out, etc.

Hope you come to a decision that feels comfortable!
Best of luck,
C.

There is no way I would let my 16 year old daughter stay out until 4 a.m. That is like asking for trouble. There is no good that can come from being on a "party bus" at those hours, not to mention most ciies / towns have curfews for minors. If it were me, I would say no, but I would also be interested in speaking with these other parents. I find it incredibly hard to believe that they are all okay with this idea.

You know what direction you want your child to follow. You can pick her up yourself or have another alternate set of transportation for her. Does she have an older sister or brother that can pick her up or another family member. Do what you feel is best.

I would be the same as you and probably would end up ruining her night in her eyes - but to me its not right to have them out to 4am - there isn't a good reason for it...I beleive this is the root of all the problems - the parents want to be the friends to their kids - not the parents. just my opinion...
On the other side - isn't there a curfew in the city for minors? I beleive its 11pm here where I live. Just wondering if they can get in trouble (the party bus company) if they don't know its minors all on it and not over 18.
Good luck with this - we have 2 little girls and I dread when they are up there and having to make decisions like this - oh dear!
P.

I have a 15 year old boy and he will not stay out til 4am when he has a prom, that's for sure. I don't care who else is doing it.

I don't have a teenager, but I once was and I am so grateful that my parents set healthy boundaries for me. Ask her why the party bus is the 'fun part'. Shouldn't the dance be the most fun then riding around in a bus?

Do not let her go go by how you feel not how she might feel or the other kids or parents. She will have prom night when she is 18 and older, by not letting her go will make prom less tempting to do something crazy. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Sit down and watch 20/20, Dr. Phil, any good talk show, they are always having people on who let their kids do stuff they had no business doing at such a young age with no supervision. No parents YOU CANT GO, LITTLE GIRL

Patti,
Stick to your instincts! You are totally right. Nothing good can come of teens of the opposite sex basically spending the night together. Don't get caught in the "all the other parents said OK" trap.
Talk to some of the other parents and voice your concerns. You may be surprised to find that a lot of the other parents are buckling to their children also and just needed someone to stand up and say "this is not right" or "I don't feel comfortable with this.
Maybe you can come up with a compromise and let them go on the bus until 1 or 2 even though you will still have to pay full price, it will be worth not havng your daughter do something she will regret when left in a bad situation all night.

Parents can not allow children to do whatever they please just because they tell us "you are ruining my night!"

That is your job as a parent. You have the wisdom and experience to see what is ahead if your daughter makes certain choices. You may not be popular at the moment, but that is NOT your job. You are and authority figure, NOT a buddy.
Stay tough, your daughter may thank you (much) later.

Hugs and happy parenting,
A.

Hi Patti, I agree with you that 4 am is way too late for a group of teenage kids to be out. There is too much bad stuff that happens late at night/early am. We do want them to have fun, but we do want them to be safe.

I too hold back with my daughter - I'm not as "relaxed" as other parents - but, my "gut feeling" has never let me down.

Is there a possibility that you or another family could host an after the prom party at their home and have a 1 am
time limit?

Good luck to you - I know you're in a tough spot - I guess there's always the possibility that you and your spouse could secretly follow the party bus!

Hi Patti!

If you need someone to tell you that you and your husband are right, then YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!

I think her age is way too young to be on a party bus after a Prom. And, SO WHAT if the other parents let their kids go...this is YOUR daughter. YOU make the rules, even if she "hates" you temporarily. Trust me, you don't want to know what goes on in those buses! And do you really want your daughter to be a part of it?

I like the "old fashion way" when you cannot go to the Prom until you're a Junior.

My opinion is, stand your ground! You don't care what the other parents do, you only care about her safety. If you have to get up at 11:45pm to pick her up the night of the Prom, then...set your alarm :o)

Good Luck!

:o) N.

Patti,you have a right to be concerned. I suggest that you be firm with you daughter and let her know of your concerns.
Is your daughter responsible and understand what could happen on this party bus? What about a chapperone; I know this is after the prom and you can't be too careful.
If your daughter understand and is a responsible young lady she will value what you have taught her.
I pray that all will be blessed and things go well.
Just pray that she will be safe and have fun.
A. C.

Hi Patti,
My kids are both older and we have already been through all of this, however the latest we ever let our kids stay out after a prom was 1 maybe 2. Alot of times they would go to a friends house afterwards for a get together..movie, ice cream, pizza..etc. My questions would be what are they going to do for the hours after the prom and where are they going to go? The positive sign is they have a driver, however they are not responsible for any problems the kids may get into. If you can, talk to some of the other parents to see how they really feel about it. I know my kids had friends whose parents would allow them to stay out all night. The other thing you could do, is have her check in every so often. It's a tough decision, and really you are the only one who could make it. If it was a senior ball to me, it would be a little different. I would just want to know all details. Good luck

If you don't feel okay with her going. She shouldnt go. There is no way my parents would have let me do that and my kids will not be doing any such thing. What are they going to do on a party bus for 5 hours anyway? They're too young to drink. Please don't be afraid of her reaction. Being mad will happen, but did your parents care whether you got mad about something or not? Probably not.

I understand your worries...but at some point, you have to show your daughter that you trust her. Has she done anything in the past that has caused you to think that she may do something inappropriate if you let her go? And what are the other kids like? Do you know them? Are they trustworthy or do they like to party? My daughter distanced herself from her friends that were making choices that she didn't agree with, like sex and drinking. I didn't even realize it until I wondered why she wasn't going over to "Jane's" house anymore. Remember this as well...the limo driver has a responsibility to make sure that there is no under-aged drinking taking place in the limo. Check on that to make sure by calling the limo company. And speak with the other parents. Find out how they feel. You may be able to create a united front! At any rate, do what you feel most comfortable with based on your knowledge of your daughter and the situation. And don't worry...the world won't collapse on her if you end up saying no...even though she tells you it will!!! My daughter is the living proof! =0) Hope this helps!

Hi Patti-

Personally, I think that parents have become way too permissive in recent decades (I'm a mom of 3 and a grandma to 3)and that 4 am is really late for any minor to be out.

That being said, it is probably pretty safe on the bus if there are rules about if, when and where the kids can get off the bus and if alcohol/drug rules will be enforced. They probably can't get off the bus (if at all) after midnight because of local curfews. It may be safer than a party at a private home with a 1 or 2 am curfew and at least you needn't worry about the driver being under the influence.

Under the circumstances, if these basic requirements are being met, I'd let her go.

God Luck!

Wow, that is a tough situation to be in. I do not think I would allow my teen to do this. I know it is VERY frustrating when other parents are so oblivious and/or too lenient. The main problem is there really no place for the teens to go, other than a restaurant, at that time of night. The only thing they can really do is drive around and "party" in the party bus with no adult supervision (the driver doesn't count). I would be concerned about what is happening in the back of the bus... Have you talked with the other parent's about your concerns? Maybe you could allow her to go out in the bus for an hour or so after the prom or you could see if the kids want to come back to your house after the prom for snacks and such. Good luck on this!

Well you have lots of advice. My daughter won't be going to the prom either. I'm that strict. No dating. So I'd say no or volunteer to chaparone the bus.

Hi Patti.
I truly understand your situation. I feel you should stick with your plan of only letting her go out to the prom. Yeas, she will be mad-but not forever. She'll mope around and act hurt, but the truth of the matter is kids-and that is what she is-need rules and regulations. Its like a form of discipline, and every kid-though they say different-want discipline and it needs to be consistent. Perhaps you can offer a party at your home for after the prom with some of her friends and make it a reasonable time for it to end. I would never ever let my kid be out to 4:00a.m because of a prom bus thing or for any reason. It smacks of trouble. She will not be mad at you forever, but she will remember it forever and one day see the wisdom behind your thinking and the love you have for her as being the utmost of importance. Do not give in to her endless and non tiring want for to do this. What will these kids be doing? Will there be stops where they get out,and who is chaperoning this thing. Maybe you could volunteer to be chaperon until 4:00 a.m.if it get to be an unbearable issue. Youth at that age run on "emotion" and logic eludes them. Therefore your logic and gut feelings are of utmost importance. She may 'feel' grown upo and very responsible-and perhaps she is just that. But when with a group of peers all intoxicated with the romance of the prom, there is definetley no clear cut boundaries.They are all high on the nights event, and emotion is the rule, not the exception. I hope this helps you, and please forgive me for the typos I did not catch. Good luck. Sincerely,
K. G.

I dread the day when my daughter comes to us with this...I feel for you. Although my daughter is only 3 I thought I would comment with a story my father-in-law likes to tell. When his (now 30 year old) daughter was going to her junior prom, all of her friends were going to a hotel to party and stay overnight. Of course she used the old, "but everyone else's parents said yes" but my in-laws were very uncomfortable with it and said NO. They let her go out to a certain time, but she had a curfew and had to be home by then. Apparently, once they said NO, other parents got the guts to say no too. So, just because all the other parents have apparently said yes to this bus idea, it doesn't mean they are comfortable with it---you just may have to be the one with the courage to be the strong parent here. Others may feel the same, they just might be too nervous to come off as "the strict parent". All the best to you.

I feel for you, although my first thought was don't let her go on the bus. We have a curfew anyway. Being a party bus doesn't change that. I know the prom is the night of magic and romance and fun, but what can a group of 16 and 17 years old be doing until all hours of the night? We can only imagine. They can't get into any clubs, so that leaves them to bringing the alcohol themselves. Prom, alcohol and late nights don't always mix well.

I know your daughter will be upset, but I wouldn't let her go. My own 17 y/o daughter for sure would not be going. Perhaps yo can rent her a limo that would allow her to stay out until Midnight, 1 at the latest.

You are not too strict. You rightfully worry about your daughter and are in the position to think about what could happen being out that let. I don't understand why some parents allow it. It just isn't safe.

Don't let her get on that bus.

Follow your gut feeling. No you aren't too strict. Could you call some of the other parents?
Find out where the bus will go to?
Does anyone at the school have 'experience' with the bus company - it must have an 'adult' driver. (I've never heard of a party bus, I must be getting old.)

I have a 15 yr old daughter and I'd feel the same! Good luck

Hi Patti,

I can understand your concern. My daughter is 17 and also planning on attending her Junior Prom. She is a good girl, gets good grades, and has always made wise choices with regard to the friends she chooses. Even so, her dad and I would not feel comfortable with her being out until 4 AM on prom or any other night.

Most cities have curfews. In our town it is Midnight. The exception is if minors are in route to their residence, say from the movies, school event, etc., or if they are with an adult. This reason alone is enough for us to say "No" to a party bus type of thing.

We would be asking where the kids plan on going for those hours and what kind of partying they would be doing? Most businesses, other than bars, are closed. Do the kids stay on the bus the whole time? Does the party bus company provide entertainment on the bus? Do they take responsiblity for the safety and actions of the kids? This sort of thing sounds more appropriate for senior graduation night.

Bottom line, if you are not comforable with the idea then stick to that. The whole idea of prom night has always been getting dressed up, maybe dinner before, and the dance itself. If our daughter said "All the kids are going", my reply would be, "Not All the kids, because you're not." She would be unhappy with me but I've gotten used to it.

Sincerely,
L.

Hi. It's simple. You're the parent, you're the adult, and if it doesn't sit right in your gut, then say no. She might be taller than you, act responsibly, carry on intelligent conversations, etc., but you are the parent. You are in charge. Period. The end. She won't like it, but you owe it to her to see that she remains safe. In 10 years, she won't care. I promise. But, it's your responsibility to make the tough decisions for her. I know it's not easy, so good luck!!!!!

Patti,
It's hard to give advice on this without knowing your daughter. Our oldest is 15 and there is no way that we would let her go an a party bus till 4am. Our middle child is now 12 and if she is still the same at 16 as she is now I would allow her to go with some conditions, I would have her take her cell phone and she would need to check in every hour, also I would make sure that she knew that at anytime during the "party" she could call home and my husband or I would pick her up no questions asked. We also have very strick rules regarding alcohol and drugs, and all three of our daughters no the penalty if they are caught drinking or using drugs. Before the trip I would contact all of the parents who are allowing there kids to go as well as the parents who are paying for this. I would also call the bus company and ask for there policies and rules regarding behavior during the trip, how will things be monitored, I think I would also ask that the driver of the bus be given my contact information in case of a problem. Hopefully this will give you some ideas of how to handle this, in reality you are the parent and you need to do what you and your husband are comfortable with, do you think your child can handle this? Also, she still has her senior prom to go out afterwards.
Good Luck
Amanda

I've only been a mom for two years, but after reading the problem you are having with your daughter I came to a question. It is understandable that your daughter would be upset if she was not allowed to go on party bus with all her friends, but just because her friends parents are lienant does not mean you have to be the same! At 16, in my opinion, she does not need to be out until 4am.

I look at it this way, does she deserve it and do you trust her? If you have an open relationship and have talked about all the things that make you and your husband unconfortable i.e. sex, drugs and alcohol then you need to give her a chance to prove she is responsible and can handle being out one night that late. Are her grades in good shape, has she been staying out of trouble, not back talking, doing her chores or meeting her responsibilities? If so, then yes you would be one of THOSE parents that are too strict if you don't let her go. By the way, those are the parents that usually don't have a truely open relationship with their children because they fear telling you things because you will hold it against them. Trust me not all those girls have their parents ok they have just arranged already to stay the night at this girfriends house or that -- so be fortunate you have a daughter that is asking you directly and not trying to get away with going.

At 16, college and other challenges are really just around the corner. From my experience -- my firends whose parents were really strict had the wildest and least accomplished college kids because they were never given the chance to cut lose under mommy and daddy's roof.

You know your child so only you can decide what she's ready for and what she's not.

Hope this helps, N.

I remember being 16 once, and unless there is another adult besides the driver, I wouldn't let her go! She has the rest of her life to go out until 4 in the morning, but wont have the rest of her life to change a bad choice that could be made because of the pier pressure from a bus load of teenagers. Maybe you could offer up a gathering at your house and promise to give her some privacey.There has to be another option than an unsuppervised bus! It seems as though there must be other parents that MUST feel the same way you are feeling! Make a stand! Go with your gut feeling!!! They are normally right! Good luck to you!!!

I'm fairly young, only almost 8 years out of high school, and I can tell you right now that my parents would have NEVER allowed that to happen. The first thing you need to know, is there will be NO drinking on that bus. The rental companies have really strict policies on that. Whenever we rented a limo or anything for prom we got the lecture that if there was any alcohol, or if anyone got back in the limo intoxicated, he would stop, call all our parents and call the cops and let them deal with us. So I wouldnt worry about the drinking, which makes me wonder what these kids will be doing all night. Someone mentioned a curfew in the town, that might be something you want to look into, if your town has a curfew, they wont be allowed to be out that late, not by your rules, but the cops rules. Another thing, I dont know anyone who has stayed at prom till it ended. My friends and I always left early, cuz as your daughter said, afterwards is more fun. I would call the other parents, figure out exactly what is going on, and find a compromise with your daughter. My parents, for example, didnt want me out and about for my senior prom. So instead, they hosted a party. They bought snacks and drinks (non-alcoholic) for us, and allowed us to use the pool and hot tub all night. We were good, had a fun time, and my parents knew I was safe because I was at my own house. Use your best judgement, if she "hates you" or gets mad, it will only be for a little while, and in the end, she will probably thank you. Good luck. I still have a good 16 years before I have to deal with this!!!

i understaand where your coming from i always thought the desent curfew was 12am or 1am. not 4am? mabey there should be a shaperone on the buss? or just deside on what you & your hubby thinks is a desent time to expect her home n stick to it. she's only 16, shee still has two more years tell she's grown. i wish i had my mom when i was at that age. i'm shure she'll get over it if she cant be out so late,. unless this is her senior prom, it's not the most inportent one, she will still have next year. so you just got to deside what you think is best, n stick to it no matter what...good luck.

Without any parents on board?! You won't see my daughter (now 12) on THAT bus at 16!!

Suggestion 1:
Think of an alternative after-prom activity that your daughter would accept (maybe it won't be QUITE as fun as partying unsupervised on a bus all night, but you earn that kind of indepence as you age!) perhaps getting a limo (with a parent chaperone) to take them down to the bowling alley for a few rounds... i don't know what else to suggest, but you can engage your daughter in some serious brain storming.

Next, get the names and phone numbers of all the other parents and CALL them to discuss how they really feel about the party bus thing. I'd bet that more than a few of the parents are feeling *exactly* the same way you are - letting their kids go only because all the other parents must be thinking it's OK. Propose your alternate idea(s) that you and your daughter have come up with and see if you can swing the crowd to a safer, more supervised after-prom activity.

Suggestion 2:
Say she can go on the bus, but only if you (or another adult picked by you) goes along as chaperone.

Suggestion 3:
Just say no. Sure, you're "ruining" her Prom Night, and of course from her perspective that's the end of the world, but it's your JOB to keep her from harm while she's still a minor, and if letting her run wild on a bus for hours doesn't feel safe to you, then you gotta do what you gotta do. You've got the longer view of her life and you're supposed to use that greater perspective to help her make the best choices possible, even if she can't understand those choices now.

I am a parent of a 22 year old daughter. But at 16 my daughter was very responsible whenever she went out to parties. I told her to call me every hour starting at midnight to check in. I also told her to call me at whatever time and I will pick you up.

I know you are not me, but a junior prom only comes around once and I feel you should let her stay until the bus brings her back. It sounds like the bus has to be back at 4 a.m. and I know they are always on time. Still have your daughter call you every hour and make sure you are at the school a little before 4 a.m. to pick her up.

Is this any different than going down to Disneyland for Grad Night? It is better than renting out a hotel room, were it is very much unsupervise and kids going into the bedroom and locking the door and doing unmentionable things in there. Since there is no alcohol allowed on the party bus and if the kids are caught the bus comes right back. It is very possible that you could be picking up your daughter at the school earlier than 4 a.m. if they misbehave. This is the time to trust your daughter, because when she goes to the Senior Prom the stakes are going to be higher and you are talking an overnighter. Trust her now let her stay until 4 a.m.

I applaud you for checking into the policies of the party bus and I wonder how many parents would.

If you trust her and she hasn't done anything to prove otherwise let the reigns go. Talk with the driver of the bus. Just make sure there is no alcohol or drugs. Let her know that you will wake up when she gets home to check on her. She may blow it, if so, there are consequences. You have to start letting her prove her responsibilty.