My son is extremely shy, and he sometimes exhibits symptoms of selective mutism. He is about to enter second grade. His teachers and the counselor at school call him a "reluctant speaker" and always comment on the progress he is making. He does not qualify for services at school because he does speak, and his shyness does not affect his ability to function at school. He will not raise his hand to answer a question, but he will respond when called upon by the teacher. Last year he was in the top reading group in his class and does not have a problem reading or doing oral tests with adults. When I took him to first grade orientation he would not speak to any adults at school and had a frozen look on his face. By May, he was reading in front of the school during the first grade May Day celebration.
Although my son has been progressing in school, I still wonder if he is just shy or selectively mute. He is extremely talkative at home, and sometimes can be bossy and quick to lose his temper. When we are out in public he will not speak to adults who talk to him at the market, bank, etc. and if he sees an adult or child from his school he mumbles "hi" and either stares at the ground or looks completely terrified. We joined a church several months ago, and my son still has a frozen look on his face when he is greeted by the minister. He does, however, seem to be coming out of his shell in his Sunday School class. I do not put any pressure on my son at all to speak in public, but when he does talk, I always praise him for answering questions or saying "hello". I try to keep him involved in activities at church, the library, etc. because even though he is quiet, he seems to enjoy being with other children. If we are going to a party, I always try to let the adults know ahead of time that my son is shy, and ask them to make him feel welcome without asking him a lot of questions. I try as much as possible to keep adults from commenting on my son's shyness in front of him. I am not sure whether or not he needs to see a therapist. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks!
Thanks for all of the great responses! I guess I should add that when I do tell other adults my son is shy, it is done without his knowledge. I am trying to avoid situations which have happened numerous times where other adults say out loud in front of my son "he's so shy" or "whats wrong with him - can't he speak?". For example, the day before my son was to visit my workplace I told my co-workers that he might not talk to them. The next day they greeted him with comments like, "I'm glad you're here" or "that's a cool shirt you're wearing". Also, my husband and I go back and forth between telling him he has to be polite and answer simple questions like "what is your name?", and not caring at all if he responds. I know that with a selectively mute child, all expectations to speak are initially supposed to be removed. I will definitely push to have my son evaluated at school so we have some answers. I realize I am treating the situation as if my son is selectively mute without knowing for sure. I think his comment that "I always feel like everybody is staring at me" is what made me research selectively mute children.
Maybe I am missing something...it sounds like he is doing okay. It sounds like he is happy, making friends and functioning in school. Maybe preparing everyone not to speak to him ahead of time is adding to the problem. Just because a child is shy, doesn't mean they can not be happy in life. He will come out of his shell when he wants to.
Rita,
Your son seems fine to me. My son is going into 1st grade and I have just started noticing that he is extremely shy at times. He always talks at home and will often offer general greetings in a public place, but he becomes shy when being addressed directly. He loosens up over time.
As a person who was extremely shy as a kid, I resented the times when my mom forced me to talk with people or interact with people outside of my comfort zone. I too did very well in school and responded to the teacher when called upon, but I was not the kid that tried to form a close bond with the teacher. As an adult, I still feel awkward and shy at times, but I've learned to do what is needed to survive.
As parents, we tend to worry about every little "defect" that our children seem to have. I do it with my own son. I would say let him develop naturally. You are doing the right thing by alerting parents that your son is shy before he attends parties and trying to minimize the shy comments in his presence.
I'm kind of confused, I'm not really seeing the problem... he just sounds shy to me.
This is just my opinion but I personally teach my children that not answering adults when spoken to is rude, and it's a punishable offense in my house. I don't know if enforcing a rule like that would work for you or not, but both of my daughters certainly never ignore adults when they are spoken to.
I think you're Son Is Just Fine the Way He Is. Ya know one of the best gifts we can give ourselves and our children is the rememberance of childhood, what it really felt like, what it looked like, what we thought like, so we can remember that while raising our children. It's not always easy to do. Our society thinks that children are always suppose to be talking and adults are always talking to them and often they're in their face and they don't even realize it. Like everything, in time the pendulum swings from one extreme to the other, at one time, not oh so many generations ago, it was thought, that children should be seen and not heard, now we're at the opposite side of this. Children are very sensitive and some more than others and adults just simply don't think about this or at least most don't. To children, and again with some more than others, adults seem over boding and surreal in many situations. I really get the impression your son is a very sensitive soul and feels bombarded with the world outside his home, which is understandable. I would just let it play it's course and not even tell people he is shy. If they ask lots of questions it's okay to answer for him or somehow indirectly revert the attention, otherwise he may begin to rely upon the set up, if you know what I mean. It's okay to help him answer or even answer for him. I've done that with my kids when they were small when need be and I could see they were becoming or could become overwhelmed needlessly. And believe me, they can all carry on a conversation with anybody, they're quick witted and not shy and yet won't over speak in a situation either. When I was a child I did not speak to adults and everyone to me seemed huge and so I guess you could call me shy. But I certainly wasn't as an adult. My mother said I didn't want to say anything till I was almost 8 and then I wouldn't stop talking, but only at home for the most part. My parents were unaware of my senitivities. I'd be willing to bet, if I could prove it, (and I'm not a betting person) that your son is extremely aware of his surroundings and feels deeply and is very sensitive and that he will be a fine young man because of it. Properly directed sensitivity leads to higher intelligence. P.S. When I say sensitive I'm not talking about mushy stuff, I'm talking about sensibilities, awareness, alertness, sensing stronger than most others in the environment. This can be for the good or not depending on how it's handled, but I'm sure you know that.
I hope I haven't said anything too awfully strange to you. Hugs to you both
He sounds like a lot of kids... shy.
Its okay
It is also personality.
My daughter is and was like that. She is FINE... and a normal kid.
She is also very wise for her age, very cognizant and very discerning when choosing friends. I do NOT force her to be 'friendly'... because I rather not have her feel she has to be friendly, with 'strangers' or anyone... she has good ability to judge situations and she IS socially skillful.
She has good qualities. Sure, her teachers have always said she is 'shy'. But my reply to that is, that is NOT a 'bad' quality. Many "geniuses' were also shy. NOTHING wrong with that.
My daughter, despite being so called 'shy' is also very able, very mature, very wise, and KNOWS HERSELF... better than most other kids her age or older.
I see her, as having a LOT of STRENGTHS. I do not focus on her being 'shy.'
I would, nurture HIS interests and talents... and see what floats his boat. That is what I do with my daughter. I never tell her, being 'shy' is a bad thing. I always tell her, I am PROUD of her, because she is HERSELF and knows herself... and is very self-aware and that is a good thing.
I nurture her interests....
All the best,
Susan
He is doing fine-just a little shy. Sounds a lot like my son-not very talkative with adults and barely acknowledges friends when we see them out. Once he gets to know the kids within his class he is fine. I never even once thought (or even heard of the term) that he was a "selective mute". Seriously, I think that you are giving him an "issue" where none exists. My advice is to NEVER talk about his shyness. I find that kids are who you label them. He will live up to and take comfort in his "shy" label if that is the one you give him. No adult needs an explanation as to why your son is not engaging them so don't give them one-especially in front of your son. I have been tempted to do this myself b/c it is a little embaressing when your child does not speak when spoken to but I bite my tongue. I would not call attention to your son before a party either. It will make him feel more self-concious. Seriously-I don't think other people will even realize or even care if your son is shy-many kids are like this.
Hi, Rita:
I would suggest that you look at what you are doing.
Look into the support group for Co-Dependents Anonymous and find
a group near you to attend. www.coda.org
From what you are saying, I read alot of labeling in your story and alot of control issues developing here which will in turn create some learned helplessness, self-esteem issues, and feelings of inadequacy.
It is great that your son chooses when to talk and when to be quiet and listen.
Good luck. All the Best. D.
He sounds like all my kids. I teach them all how to great people and I insist that they answer any questions politely, but other then that I leave them alone. I don't tell people they are shy or make any special arrangements for them and they have all come out of it. In my opinion you're making a bigger deal out of it than needs be.
Your son sounds a lot like I was when I was about his age. I would not speak to anyone unless it was a basic hi and only after they spoke to me. I also would not raise my hand in class but would answer if called on. My mom always says I would literally hide behind her skirt when i was little as I was so shy. I did well in school and really didn't start to assert myself until about 5th or 6th grade.
Hi: Your son sounds like my daughter, who is about to enter second grade. She is feisty and bold (physically) and never stops talking at home. But when we are out, I have to nudge her to even respond "hi" to people we know well. I think she is just shy and will develop at her own pace. But I do try to caution her that she is old enough now that people may start to think of her as rude, instead of very shy, as they did when she was younger. I try not to bug her about it, though. I always tell her teachers: when she really starts talking in class, WATCH OUT!! Good luck, S.
We had a child who was a selective mute at my school. He would speak at home, but not a word at school. Sounds like your son is doing more than that. I will say this child by the end of first grade has started talking at school.
It seems like you are allowing your son to adjust at his own pace to a new situation and that some take longer than others. What about getting some support in developing social skills? Have you talked to your doctor about this? You said the school couldn't help because it isn't affecting his ability to function at school. Perhaps outside help might give you some idea on how to progress.
If you're really worried, you have a right to request that he be evaluated by the school psychologist. Put the request in writing and deliver it to the school. They are required by law to test your child. I have taught a number of selective mute children and while it may not affect their progress in school, they still qualify for additional services beyond a resource language arts class. For example, he might qualify for a 504 plan (kind of like a step down from and IEP for kids who have some special needs but are not special education). Being shy is one thing, but being a selective mute is an actual condition that requires more attention. Only a psychological evaluation would tell you this. I would really recommend that you request an evaluation and then meet with the school psychologist to discuss the results.
Good luck!
This email is really old, from Rita, so I doubt she'll ever look at this site again. My now I hope he's doing better. For the new people, that come these emails. Just put Daughter in the above email, and your reading about my daughter. Also second grade, school is ending for the summer, and my daughter won't talk to her teacher, won't talk to kids. She likes being around kids, but that's exactly what she doe's, she plays around them, not with them. Earlyer in the year she started getting detention for not talking. We talked to the vice principle and she no longer got detention for not talking. Her teacher has not been a happy camper. This is the 1st teacher she hasn't liked. Every since pre-school, she's been slow about talking to anyone, last year he started talking in Feb. She loved this teacher a lot. When it was time to go to the school, in 1st grade, she was hoping a certain teacher, would be her teacher. She got to know this teacher, while in kindergarden, because all the kindergarden classes played together sometimes. I told her, you can't get that teacher, she teaches kindergarden. That teacher changed grades, and she was my daughter teacher, and teacher told us, she even asked the principle, to let my daughter be in her class. As close as she felt to that teacher, it was still Feb. before she talked to her. My daughter hugs people she likes, that was okay in pre-school, kindergarden, 1st grade, but not so with the second grade teacher. She tried to discourage it. Because my daughter likes to hug a lot. So I can understand, the teacher discouraging it, for several reasons. But in my daughter world, my teacher doesn't like me. She won't read in her reading group. Because your have to read out loud. But loves to reads, she reads a lot. I've never known anybody who read so much. Most her reading is outloud to us the parents and to her dolls. So there's no room for doubt, this child really loves to read. She speed reads, and we have to ask her to slow down, so we can understand her better. The school, has AR reading tests on the computer, when ever she finishes reading a school library book, she takes the computer tests, 80% of them she gets the grade of 100%. If it wasn't for the tests, they would believe she doesn't know how to read. I also had this problem, but would always answer a teacher, when she asked me a question. I never was one to raise by hand, to say I've got the answer. I didn't like have any attention draw in my direction. Were trying therapy, therapist said they're about a 50 percent chance, she can be helped. We don't know what else to do. Her music teacher, p.e. teacher, speech teacher, have all stayed upset by her, just standing there, not saying anything, not doing anything. The only way she will talk to the speech teacher, is if my daughter stands in the hall way, and the teacher stands in the middle of the door, so she watch the other 2 kids in her class, and talk to her that way. Our concern is will they put her in special ed classes, simply because she won't talk. She doe's okay in Math, with a little extra help. Here's hoping therpy works
I think your sensitivity to him and not pushing him is good to an extent, but some of this behavior should have rules that are enforced, then you will see more clearly what the severity of his "issue" might be if there is one. Kids Loooooooove to ignore people if they want. I'm baffled when the parents do nothing about it.
If you want him to say hello to people who say hello to him in public (not everyone does want to), you have to enforce. It's only temporary, until he gets in the habit. Tell him to be polite and say hello when people say hello to him, enforce a consequence when you get back to the car etc if he doesn't. Sounds harsh, but kids get really rude when that habit develops. We've always made sure the kids never got away with ignoring when they felt like it. It only took a little while for them to always be polite and respond. Be sure you're letting him be shy but not rude in public situations.
You mention he can be bossy and lose his temper at home? Is he allowed to? Is there a consequence? If he can rule the roost by being allowed to throw fits, it will be harder to enforce his behavior elsewhere.
I think if you mix in a bit of discipline along with nurturing his nature -don't force him to perform and speak publicly etc like you have been, let him get used to people slowly without being rude and ignoring greetings, you may find he is capable of more. He can say hi to the minister if you enforce it. No matter how he feels, you know it will not hurt him to do so, and you need to make him. He sort of has you doing a lot of work on his behalf, prepping people how to handle him etc. He needs more responsibility. If he cannot step up despite new rules after several weeks, and you feel something is "off" other than shyness, then you could try a therapist.
