Seeking Suggestions on Dealing with a Terminal Illness

I would say that yes, you do need to make these trips, both for the sake of your daughter, and for the sake of common kindness. But they shouldn't ruin your life either. Get counseling and do self-care to make sure you can handle things. And be comforted in knowing that you are doing the right thing! I have known many people to desert dying relatives because they "don't want to see them that way." Well, that may cater to their selfish whims, but it sure doesn't do the afflicted person any good. You are truly doing the right thing, and that will comfort you after he is gone. Best wishes!!!

Hi N.,

Try "Envita" (www.envita.com). They are an integrative clinic that deals with chronic disease. I also recommend trying "Ambrotose" from "Mannatech." It's supoosed to help with MS.

MS is an "autoimmune" disease, which could be triggered by long-term chemical exposure. I would say to remove all the cleaning and laundry products and replace them with "green" ones; but he is in a controlled environment. This is certainly something you could do for yourself and your daughter, though, to improve the air quality in your own home.

I am a Holistic Health & Nutritional Counselor. Feel free to call me for more information ###-###-####).

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven

N.,
Do you (or does your ex) have any family in NJ? Why does he want to stay there? Is his mind in tact? All questions to see if it would be possile to move him out this way..since he is your daughter's dad. I can only imagine having to go see someone in this condition on every vacation. It's draining enough to go back and see healthy relatives (even though I love them--it isn't vacation). Who pays for him to be there? Could you talk to them? Could you explain the part to him about your daughter getting to spend more time with him? B/C I don't know his state of mind, it makes it difficult to assess your options. I pray you'll find peace with this.
K.

When your daughter is 18 and on her own, have a serious discussion with her about all this. Maybe she can go visit him on her own then. That is only 2 years away, so try to hang in until then. It sounds like you've gone over and above, and i'm sure both your daughter and ex husband appreciate it.

I have not been in any of your situations. I just had to let you know I said a prayer for you. I would seek counseling for both you and your teen. It is possible that where your ex is, there is a free family service. I know Hospice has many services. I would contact them locally. I always say "the dumbest question is the one that is never asked" If you have a church family, please let them know if there are any services available--things that can ease the other burdens like bills/food/gas etc while you are traveling. Also-The city in which you live may have help too. Jesus says "you have not because you ask not, Ask anything in my name and you will receive" John 16:24. but you must believe.

Obligation or is it guilt? Talk to your daughter and get her feelings. I'm no counselor and have many problems of my own with teens. Just a thought.
I find comfort in www.parentingtodaysteens.org helpful. I hope i encouraged you some.

I'm really sorry. What a tough situation. It is too bad that he won't move here. Does he have family there that he doesn' want to leave? Maybe he doesn't want to be a daily burden on you guys if he lived here. I think you are doing the right thing by going there to visit, even if it takes up your vacation time and some of the finances. unfortunately there are things in life that aren't always the way we'd like them to be, but we just have to make the best of it. I think some counseling might be good for you. Sounds like you need an outlet for all of your emotions. If money is tight, maybe you can designate a close friend to talk with about this. I'll say a little prayer for you and your daughter and your ex-husband.

sweetheart i just want to give you a hug and tell you this is a ministry of love to both your ex and especially your daughter that years from now you are going to be blessed and have no regrets that you did it. what you are going through physically and emotionally is normal and part of why it's so difficult, but i always try to remember that decisions i make now can later be something that haunts me or gives me relief. ask your doctor to prescribe something for when you come back from these trips (anxiety medication help if it helps you for a few days) but your daughter will be forever thankful that you showed a compassion and level of love that she will respect you for. these are seeds you're sowing. what a beautiful example of unselfish love and grace.
God bless you!
Ileana

I am sorry to hear about your ex-husband, I don't really have advice (since I have never been in that situation), maybe ask him again if he would move to AZ, or have your daughter write him a letter saying how important it would be for her to see him more often. It seems like there isn't much you can do since he refuses to move closer to you and his daughter. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Dear N.,
I can sense your pain and anguish. What a heart-wrenching situation! What a caring and compassionate mom you are, both to your daughter and her father. I wish there were an easy answer. It seems to me that if you are able to resolve the depression these trips instigate for you, you could more easily move forward with them. I hear your concern about your moral obligations, and I hear that you really want to continue to give your daughter these opportunities to spend the limited time with her father. My suggestion, then, is to take some time for yourself, reflecting on your inner feelings about death, disabilities, and even your connection with this man you once loved. You might want to seek counseling to guide you through this process. My sense is that these hidden feelings are the root of your discontent around this issue. Is it also possible to combine the trip with a vacation, so it can fulfill both needs? Perhaps if you are able to find the reward in the trip, the rewards in it for your daughter as well as for yourself, the expense might seem more worth it. Just a thought. Continue to explore all possibilities....you have the answer inside you and you will do what you need to. I send you peace and love.

I to am a divorced mom. I always gave my daughters a choice like you have to visit even though I wasn't in the same situation you are I felt they needed to make the decision for visiting. Does your daughter visit because she feels guilty if she doesn't or does she want to be with her dad until his death? At this point you are doing it for her. How does she feel when she comes back from a trip? It would be good for both of you to get counseling. Watching a loved die is a horrible thing to have to go through and would be depressing. I'm not sure what your relationship with God is but He has wonderful advice. I don't know what I would've done without God's guidance and love in my life. Prayer is very healing and gives us direction.

A.

Your heart is in the right place and you are doing the right thing. You'll have to make sure to take care of yourself to be strong and rested for your daughter. I can't do without my vitamins. Emergen-C is awesome for energy and depression; find it at the grocery store. It's a delicious fruity powder mix that you mix with cold water. It tastes like orange soda! It has the essential B vitamins for mood and all that other good stuff for energy no caffiene-no crash!

This time will be short compared to the years in your lifetime and your daughter will come to appreciate the sacrifices you are making. Lots of prayer and rest, it sounds like you are doing the right thing by keeping your daughter in touch with her dad. She will cherish these times always, even though they are hard to go through at the moment. Your ex-husband will know peace from your efforts to keep his daughter connected with him. Stay strong...I'll be praying for you.

It will always be physically and emotionally draining spending days continuously with an ill person whether it is here or in NJ. The only difference in location means that you are doing something else as well, which is key. A the visits could be limited to an hour or two a day. This next visit maybe incorporate a summer camp, specialty camp, taking a for credit class, driving lessons, SAT prep class for your daughter and you can off set the costs by working in the camp, writing a book, taking career advancing course, or learning to golf. Whatever. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Many Phoenicians leave their spouses (if your husband can't join) to work in the summer and leave for a cooler climate (like San Diego or New Jersey).
If your daughter is his only family, then you MUST bring him here and forget this nonsense. Locate a nursing home that you like in Phoenix and insist he move here until your daughter moves to college so he can be incorporated in her life instead of her in his. The goal is for them to get closer not for her to resent him. Of course once he's here he'll stay and when she comes home from college she won't have to make a choice of which parent to visit on which vacation.

Hi N....I think it's wonderful that you're willing to take your daughter to visit her dad. Even though it's rough on you, I think it's the right thing to do. Later on, when your daughter is older, she will appreciate and remember the sacrafice you made for her and her dad. Sometimes the "right thing to do" isn't always easy, that's what makes it worthwhile. I'm sure her dad appreciates what you're doing too. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 2 and I never really knew him. The only information I got about him was from her, and to this day, she has only told me good things about him. I appreciate the fact that she never said a bad thing about him to me. I'm sure she could have told me many sad stores, but she didn't. So see, the good you're doing now will pay off later in how your daughter looks back and remembers what you've done. Take care.

I'm also the middle age Mom of 3 kids, 21, 18, and 14.

What you are doing is the best thing for your daughter. I know it is a drain on you and on your finances, but this is better for her than if you paid for college or took her to a nice place for vacation. She will always know that you cared enough for her to see her dad and to keep relationships open, so that she will always be grateful to you. There isn't enough money in the world to make up for your great lesson of love.