Seeking Sanity!

Hi C.,

It sounds like you are definitely juggling a lot, and that is hard for anyone! I am also busy with family, building a business, and have a busy spouse. I have an 8 year old and a 10 year old, and I have found it helpful to have them lighten my load by doing more around the house. We gradually increase their responsibilities as they get older. They can help with laundry, dishes, cleaning up, meals, etc. How does it go for you when asking for their help?

C. H.

C.,

don't worry, you are not alone. I get that way and I have a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 week old! I felt that way plenty though when I only had the one.
I love being a mom, but sometimes it is just so unrewarding. It is hard.
Make some you time. Mine right now might be a few minutes to indulge in the computer, or a few minutes in the shower, but once a day I get time for ME. It is my saving grace. Good luck to you.

OMG... I am so glad that you have the guts to put it out there. I feel the same way! Except I have 5 kids, my husband travels for his work, and I'm also going back to school. Not only am I exhausted but overwhelmed. I don't have family and my 'so-called' friends aren't really there for me. Probably cause I have so many kids. It's not sympathy we need, we need a good friend. Email me me can share.... ____@____.com

I know exactly what you are talking about. Things can always be worse and WE just have to hang in there! I have a 18-year-old, a 14-year old, and a 5-year-old. They are good kids, but still they are kids. They each have their own struggles and I am a working mother and I do not feel like I give them enough attention. I am currently going through my second divorce and things are so hard. I do not get much support from anyone because my family is in AZ. I was a single parent even when I was married. My daughter (the oldest child) is headed off to Oregon State in the fall and she is the only sanity I have.

I leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and get home about 5:00. My 14-year-old son was mentally abused by my second husband and I am trying to get his self-esteem up. His grades are suffering and on the last report card he got d's and f's. I am not around for him. I have a terrible guilt trip on me right now because I brought the man in the house and now I am not around to fix the problem. I am sick of hearing people say the divorce hurts the kids. I stayed with the man for 5 years and he did a lot more damage than divorce could ever do.

My first ex is a very selfish person. He feels that if he pays child support that he does not need to pay for anything else. The divorce papers state that he needs to pay for half of the other things. It all boils down to the fact that I can not afford to take him back to court. Financially we are in the toilet.

My life is nothing to be envied and I do not want you to think that I am downgrading your situation in anyway. I just want you to know that you are not alone and writing this little info to you is helping me so much also. I have friends who have lives that are yucky also. We just have to keep a positive outlook on life and things will work out for us. Good things happen to good people!

I think that it might be beneficial for you to step back and take a look at things. I went and got my hormones checked and got them evened out and it really does make a difference. I don't know where you are located, but Dr. Vaughn Johnson is a great guy and he is a wonderful doctor. He is in Orem on 800 North. When the inside is in sync, it is easier for the outside to respond in a positive way. Good luck!!

Hugs. I am so right there with you. I don't have any good advice, other than trying to find something that makes you smile once in awhile. I will get $5 bouquets from the grocery store and really, every time I see them on my kitchen table, they make me smile. $5 a week is a small price for that. Also, especially on warmer days, I try to get outside for a bit each day. That seems to help me.

Good luck! Staying home is really tough. I think it is a harder job than working and being a mom. When working you get a pay check every month that says, "good job" and occasional recognition from a boss. It is easy for family to forget to say that--you know?

Well, I don't have anything new to say because the responses you have received have said it all. But just wanted to say that I understand completely and you are not alone. I hope it passes for you at least a little. And if you can take an hour for yourself everyday. Exercise, drink a cup of coffee with friends...something that doesn't involve housework, schoolwork, or kids...and you will feel better. Even if you can't do it everyday it will give you something to look forward to for the week. Hang in there. :)

We all feel that way. As women, most of us was raised to be super woman. Its okay to vent. Have your kids pitch in on chores. Take a few hours a week to yourself to reconnect with you even if it is at night after everyone goes to bed. Its not a crime to get frustrated, you have a full plate on your hands. Make your life happy too. I spent 6 years trying to make his life happy and was miserable. Now that I make the effort to find a bit of happiness in my chaotic world everyone has adjusted over the past 2 years and we are all happier for it. I finally realized that I could not have made him happy no matter how much I went out of my way.We only go around once.

I know this might sound totally wacky but I was listening to a radio program last night while waiting in the 45 mn area at the airport for my husband to arrive. An author was on talking about her new book "Widows Wear Stilettos." I realize you are not a widow but the premise of the book was very interesting. The author talked a lot about how when women go through a loss (in your case — as with so many stay-at-home moms — possibly a loss of identity, loss of self, loss of friends, etc.) and they start to grieve that loss, often times the first thing that happens is we stop taking care of ourselves. (http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/)

I continue to wrestle with this very same topic. It's hard being at the center of the home (the Chief Home Operator) and sometimes I think that washing the floors needs to come before my shower or that my husband's laundry is somehow more important than mine because he's going to "work." But I know that if I continue to put my needs last that it will only end up making me resentful of my family. When in reality, I just want to be the best mom and wife I can be for them. The truth is, they are happiest when I am happy.

I'm no therapist but I do know that most women set the tone in their relationships. You know the saying "If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy"? It's true but sometimes it can feel like a burden to have to be the one to keep it all together. You deserve a good cry, a little introspection and then a plan to get more you-time into your daily routine.

A couple weeks ago, I started working out again. It's been really hard but I found that the more I do it, I actually have more energy, I'm feeling better and I know soon, I'll start to look better too. This has been a big step for me in reconnecting with myself.

You need to find a way to put yourself first. It's an old cliche but think of the oxygen masks on airplanes. You need to put your mask on before you are able to assist others. If you aren't breathing, you won't be able to help your kids.

As for the book, I haven't read it yet but I was thinking it sounded like a lot of interesting tips and ideas from a woman who went through a big loss. The author said it offered a roadmap of sorts in how to deal with loss and I thought that sounded helpful as opposed to something that just tells a story.

Good luck!!!

Hi C.,
Well lets start with stopping making everyone happy. You will be happier just doing that. Then move on to occasionally doing something good for yourself. No one will take care of you but you so start now by finding something good for C. then you will feel more rejuvenated. O.k, now that we have that clear lets move on to getting your kids to help you so that they become enjoyable and responsible young people. You didn't really say whether they have chores etc etc but they should so if they don't you can get your chore chart going so that everybody has a job to do. If they don't know what to do, how to do it or what the expectation is take the proper amount of time and train them. You will not regret proper training although at this age it may be a bit late but don't give up hope. As a family it sounds to me like you guys need to put some fun into your life. So, do take some time to find some fun stuff (and yes there are some inexpensive things you can do)so you don't become all work and no play. As far as the hubby goes...you may want to evaluate why it's your job to make him happy. Happiness is a choice!! He needs to know that and you need to help him see that you are never going to be able to "fill that gap". You can be there for him, love him, serve him and be a blessing and "helpmeet" in many ways. We as women were created to be "helpmeets"...yes, the word is helpmeet..not mate. But you are not invincible nor can you be his crutch. If you are able discuss these issues with him, share your concerns about your burnout and find out how he plans on helping you..yes, he should be perfectly capable of helping you out so both of you have time for each other and yourselves. You might be surprised that he will gladly lend you a hand if you come across to him in an affirmative, loving, smiling way. God bless you and best wishes. L.

It's perfectly normal. Whoever thinks motherhood is easy is totally kidding themselves. Everyone has times when they feel completely overwhelmed - I'm going through it right now myself.

Cut yourself some slack and find someone (or multiple someones) to help you out. Don't feel guilty for seeking help and don't feel like this is some great flaw you have to overcome. It's not a flaw - it's a fact of life.

The key is to get yourself a support system. Confide in the people around you about your feelings. I would be willing to bet you'll find many who share or at least understand what you're going through.

Take one evening for yourself each week. You choose how to spend it (with or without your husband). And get that man to help out! Assert yourself because sanity is NOT overrated.

I would definitely get yourself to the dr and see about depression or a hormone imbalance or anemia... there are lots of physical causes that might trigger you being tried.

on the other hand, being a mom & parent is really hard work sometimes. I have had my days where I just don't want to get started... but those are fewer and far between, thankfully. you need to take some time for yourself and get out of the house.. I realize your kids aren't old enough to stay alone, but have you thought about looking in to "kids/parents night out" at your local ymca or rec center? usually it is a lot cheaper than a babysitter and the kids have fun too. my sister's husband is in the navy (with no family living near) and the y is a life saver for her.. even if she just sits at a coffee shop for 3 hrs and reads a book. also, you might consider joining a moms club.. there are lots of activities with kids and without, for me, just getting out one evening a month and having some "girlfriend" time really helps. as for other "me" time, on a saturday, I sometimes like to slip away for a quick pedicure or coffee or short trip to the bookstore (or whatever floats your boat). my husband and I take turns taking "breaks" or giving eachother time for a hot bath or shower... etc. anyway, raising kids is hard, you need to re-charge.

good luck and hang in there.

Please take some time for YOU! We're lying if we say we haven't been there at one time or another (or will be there) - wonderful that you've put it out there before totally collapsing! I suffered from postpartum depression and often felt the same way. I suggest making sure you're taking care of you because it's much harder to do a great job taking care of someone else if you're feeling down and out. Also, please find a professional to talk with - it helped me sooo much and I was able to heal without have to take anything which of course is not always the case. At the very least be sure to do those two things to help yourself out!! Believe me your kids and your husband will thank you and you'll begin to feel again as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Take care of you!

I know how hard it can be to juggle so many different things at once... try to remember though, it doesn't matter if you get all your chores done the same day! If you have a moment away from your kids, and school, take a bubble bath, take a nap, do SOMETHING for you! You probably will still get the "sinking feeling" every now and then, but it won't be so bad. Make yourself a short list (ONE load of laundry, dust the house and... vaccuum) just for an example. If we don't try to sqeezy so many chores into one day, it is easier to worry about us to. If you start getting grief that something wasn't done from your husband, maybe ask for more help. You can't put yourself last!! Then you, your kids and your husband will miss out. It's funny when we become mothers, we slip to the bottom of our priority list. Choose one time a day when its all about YOU. I finally did, I never went back and I know I have more energy, and just a different outlook on things. I understand it can be hard to find that special personal time, but you have to girl!!! I wish you the VERY BEST with this, I hope you can put yourself ahead of everything else, every now and then anywho ;)

C., I have been there too and know what it is like. I have a 3 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My son is so easy-going, but my daughter is a tester as I was at her age. I am also a single mom. I was really feeling at the end of my rope. Thinking we have had 4 years of temper tantrums, rages, etc. and I just don't know if I can do this anymore. A couple of friends at different times said they used the Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. It has changed our world. I only started using the parenting techniques 5 weeks ago. My daughter still tests, but now I have strategies that help immediately sometimes and others it takes a little longer, but I know what to do. My mom started listening to them too and now we talk about it together and support each other. I even tell my ex-husband about it and he seems to want to try the strategies too. I don't have a ton of money to buy all the materials, so I went online to the library and reserved every book on tape, audio and video of theirs. They come to me in spurts and I listen in the car and watch the videos before bed. We have peace in our house now. I feel calm and happy. I feel like we can make it for the next 18 years now. This is the something you can do for yourself that will change everything you know about parenting and release you from the daily issues and struggles. Good luck and God bless.

I know how you feel. I tried the same boat you are on for my first 12 years of marriage. Self sacrificing is not helping you or your family. A friend of mine (a man) said the answer to his families success was, "Happy wife, Happy life". You determine the mood in your household, If your stressed or unhappy so too are they. The last four years I have been working on changing myself: My outlook on things, How I communicate with others, And learning to love myself. And it is amazing how it's helped my family. I'm not saying that everything is great all the time, we still have days when things just don't click. But we are all Happier. Try this pick one day a week that is Mommies day off. that doesn't mean run away, although you might have to at fist. Spend some time doing things you like ,Read in-home spa stuff, what ever. take a girlfriend and go out. In essence Let the house go to pot for a day. I know this goes against the grain. But whats more important a clean house to show the outside world, Or the happiness of your family. Because believe me your family doesn't care about the laundry and floors half as much as you do. Good luck.

C., I am a grandma and I want you to know "I hear you!"....but I also want you to know that "this too shall pass." I am big on feeding the body "good" food so it will function properly and give you the most energy through the day....check out my "business" listing on this site. The quick liquid products you can "eat" on the run are life savers. Picking up a cookie here or a cup of coffee there is not in your best interest or the best interest of your family. Just changing one "bad food habit" can make a big difference in your energy and mood level. Try it! Your body will like it!

Hello C.,
I know that you have been given a lot of good advice. I would like to add mine. Your kids are old enough to help you around the house ie wash dishes, load and unload the dishwasher, folding and putting away laundry, dusting, and helping you prepare for dinner. Your husband can also help too. Then you will have more time to spend by yourself sometimes and take some time to spend with the hubby too.

We have all been there at some point. Just because we are home all the time doesn't mean that we aren't working too. My husband works fulltime and comes home to dinner 4 o 5 nights out of the week. He has the choice to help clean up after dinner or give our girls baths. I don't care which ones he chooses because it lessens my load. He helps with laundry and he cooks during the weekends. Sometimes when I have a rough day, then I call him up and tell him to rush home and I get a couple of hours to myself.
My two year old and sometimes my husband helps put the toys away before bedtime. That is her chore. Our daughters sleep by 8:30 pm and we get some alone and couple time every night. You have to balance and prioritize what chores really need to get done. You cannot do it all alone. Your family needs to help you and you need to ask for the help. Good luck.

C.,
I am sorry you feel this way. If you really feel as bad as your request I think you need to see your doctor about depression. I was feeling this way not too long ago, I actually had felt it for many years, I started taking something for depression and feel so much better, but there is still the chaos, (which is really just normal day stuff) that I can't get a hold of. I actually went to see a new doctor and was given a new medication for ADD today.
I really hope you don't feel as bad as your email sounds, because I have been there and it's not a good feeling. If you do, please get some medical help, or at least therapy.
Good luck!

Take some time for yourself!! I am the single mom of 2 teenagers, one boy and one girl. Twice a month I have them make arrangements with friends so that I can drop them off and they spend the night there and I go out or stay home, depending on weather and if I have enough money to go someplace. Even if I stay home, at least it is quiet and I can take a long bath, read a book or watch a movie with out being interupted. If you stay home, shut the phone off. When you stay home don't do the laundry or clean, this is your time, relax and enjoy it. The laundry and cleaning will be there later.

Good luck and God Bless.

Make time to take a nap ONCE a week...or take a bath or read something , watch something do something JUST for you.....one hour can really rejuevenate!
I also live in Monument...very isolated and the social circle up here is rough pr just closed depending on how you look at it!
Making meals simpler, making all the kids lunches once a week and freezing those sandwiches takes time off the day to day.
I have 7 kids and a traveling husband. So, I often feel tired, alone and a but helpless.
Hug those kiddos and watch a movie. Make time for fun. You sound bogged down by the responsibility of it all.

I do get overwhelmed and feel wiped out daily! You are human and entitled to feel like you deserve more. Do something good for yourself.
I can say though, when it is all raining down on me like my life is now, just short of being bad news for me and a struggle I just thank God I have healthy happy children. I know it sounds cliche or too easy but I waited a long time for my kids and love being a mom.
I haven't dated in three years or more, I am doing it alone.
I always heard when you stop enjoying being a parent, it is time to get prospective. However you need to find it!

It isn't a fun job 24/7, it is hard work.
I am a single mom of two little kids, doing it solo 24/7. I don't have parents to help out, I don't have family close by or any really close friends to depend upon. I get out maybe once a year myself. I try to relax when they are in bed, read a goofy magazine, get lost in a good movie, eat my favorite snack and just chill out from the world!!!

The difference is I don't really want to be away from my kids. Not right now.
They are young once, I get one shot to be with them on this level. No matter how ANNOYING it is to have someone following me into the bathroom to talk my head off, I remind myself I am so lucky.

Next year I have to go back fulltime and we will be struggling even moreso financially. I am eating up every second with them.
When I find myself on overload, I realize, hey, there are people out there that just lost a child, we have a roof over our heads, are the dishes really that important right now? Then I hug them tight and hold them close, closing my eyes and remembering that moment deep in my brain.
Soon enough I won't have a four year old that fights to sit on my lap and give me hugs, he will be a teenager that wants me to never hug him in public or sit near me! :)
I have a little seven year old that is so sweet and loves just me talking to her, then I remind myself I will have a teenage daughter that will roll her eyes at me every time I ask how her day was and she could go in her room and shut the door.

You are blessed, you have two healthy kids. Watch the news for a few days in a row and realize how lucky you are.
If you are unhappy, it is in you to fix it, not being a mom making you that way but you yourself doing it.

You can create your own support, join moms groups, church, take a class in something you are good at, get involved in volunteering. It is up to you your level of support.
At the end of the day if you loved your children, gave them all they needed in that day you have done a wonderful thing, watching them become responsible little people all with your guidance should be enough of a confirmation how important you are and how great you have it in your job.

We all need breaks, join a gym class, a spa moment whatever, to get yourself some "you" time, but remember in 10 years your house will be empty, that silence is so sad and scary for me to think about. When they fight I have to remind myself it is noise, and how I will miss that noise down the road! :) Prospective, keep reminding yourself you are blessed and have a glorious job, just up to you how you face it and handle it! No job is easy!

C.,

I am sorry, I don't have any good advice, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. I have been feeling the same lately. I will be reading your responses, hoping I see something that will help me as well..

God bless
A.

It just shows you're part of the human race! I bet you'll get all sorts of answers, and I hope it will help to know that even though you feel all alone, just about every other mom is going through this - or has - or will!

Consider your eleven-year-old a teenager; kids begin all that crazy teenage stuff earlier these days. That means you'll need all the focus, all the wisdom, all the strength, and all the humor you can get.

I know exactly what you mean about making your family's lives happy. But when you get down to it, only they can make themselves happy, and only you can make yourself happy.

You supply a lot of other stuff they need, though. Just don't expect a lot of gratitude. That's not the way people are wired. When you were a kid, did you thank your mom for what she did for you? Me, neither. We probably didn't notice most of it - we were centered on ourselves. I read in the Bible that of ten sick men Christ healed, only one came back to say thank you.

Try to figure out some little changes you can make in your daily routine for your own benefit. Take a look first at the amount of sleep you get at night, what and when you're eating, and what you're doing for exercise. Your "coach" can undoubtedly help you make little, inexpensive, time-friendly changes in these areas. It may seem contradictory to work on yourself when you have a family to take care of and course requirements to meet, but you can do your work better when your body is healthier.

It's not selfishness; it's just common sense. You know what your husband, your children, your pets, your car, your house plants, and your furnace need to be healthy. If you're going to do your many jobs you need to be healthy, too.

As you go through your day, look for anything, and I mean anything, that's a day-brightener. Little things can be a lift: a smile from a clerk at the grocery store, a kind word from a neighbor, a positive comment on a paper you write for a course, a flower blooming in an odd place, a song you enjoy, moments when your kids are really, really nice. Look for anything you can laugh about, too - even if it's laughing about yourself. Sounds corny, but looking for the good things and savoring them can actually help you do your important wife/mom/student work.

Be selective in what you choose to have going on around you. Try (gasp) turning off the television and see what effect it has. Try different kinds of music on the radio instead and see what effect that has. Play around with the options, and see what lifts you up best. Or write in into your schedule to sit down with a good book (not a textbook) for five minutes a day. If you can't sit down with a good book without finishing the whole thing, forget I suggested it.

Be very selective about whom you tell your troubles to (this forum seems like a good place) and whose troubles you listen to. Don't allow whiny people to drag you down and focus you on what's depressing.

All this may sound stupid and Pollyanna-ish (by the way, "Pollyanna" is a much better book than you might think), but it can help you get yourself standing tall again. You are an important person with important jobs and VIPs to take care of. Take time and energy to make yourself healthy in body and mind, and your VIPs will benefit, too. Don't even tell them what you're doing; make it your own secret.

Hi C.,
I am a firm believer that if one does not take care of themselves (doesn't matter who you are -parent, caretaker, boss, employee, spouse), then they are unable to help anyone else and be the most effective and happy in their lives and their duties.
So...take care of you first. Now the hard part; how? Easier said than done. A big one is what are you reading? Reading?! Who has time or energy for reading? I always have a self-help, personal growth book and a fiction book on my nightstand. Take 15 minutes before you go to bed to unwind or get up 15 minutes early to start your day. It depends on my mood which one I pick up -do I want to learn something and get inspired or motivated, or do I want to check out of reality for a little bit.
Maybe you could incorporate this in to time with your children; you all read for a bit before bed. Or maybe it is just your time to yourself. But reading opens up an entire new world.
Mental and Physical Health are so very equally important and there are several ways to take care of them; but, you need to make sure you are healthy with both and work on both.
Feel free to contact me with any questions. My husband and I have been working on our mental health individually and together for 2 years now and it has made all the difference personally and together in our marriage. My husband is not religious so we had to work on him without that aspect. His journey is a little different than mine, but the last 2 years have been the best so far out of the 10 we have been together.
I wish you peace, success, happiness, & energy!
L.

I have nine children under 16. I have felt as you describe, but I have learned a few things. (btw, it took me 8 years to finish my degree, I did some online and some night classes and whatever I needed to do so that the family was still ok, good luck with that).
I learned that, "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." You need to figure out how you can add some joy to your days. You need something to look forward to. You need to be an example of joy to your children so that they will desire to become parents themselves one day. If you are so tired all the time, it sounds to me like you need to add exercise into your day. Just doing that one thing changed my life. I went from depressed to happy and calmer. You can try eating better too, but if thats too hard right now, just drink more water. You are probably dehydrated. The exercise will help you sleep better which is another big one. Once you are feeling better physically, you'll be able to see how you really feel about things. Then you can plan your next move: stay in school? get a new hobby? redecorate the house? help out at the kids' school? You'll figure out what new and exciting thing is right for you, but remember that it all starts with you feeling good about yourself and being happy inside, then you can reach out to others. I think spirituality is essential too, but this is up to you. Best wishes!

You need to do something for you. Take a weekend to get away from the kids and everything. Maybe you could go to a day spa or have a girls weekend with some friends. This can give your husband an idea of what you are going through and more of an appreciation for what you do.

You also need to have some time for you and your hubby. Get an overnight sitter (grandparents usually are great if its available, but you can arrange for them to have sleepovers at friends too) and go to a fun hotel/inn together. Go to dinner. Reconnect. (One great place is the Anniversary Inn if you live in the general area. There's 2 in Salt Lake City, one in Logan, one in Boise. Check www.anniversaryinn.com for more info). And then make a commmittment to each other to have a regular date night. Even if you can only manage once a month. When you can do stuff together as a couple (instead of as parents) it can really help you to work together as parents.

A hobby or activity on a regular basis might also be good. Book club, a class through community education or even through your college(something fun!). Some women even get into one of the 'party plan' businesses jusst for the fun (Stampin' Up, Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, etc). Contact me if you want to find out more about getting into one - I do one and love the girl time I get!

Hi C.,
Just remember that none of them are happy if you aren't happy. If you are walking around stressed and irritated then it doesn't matter if dinner is on the table or the laundry is done or the house is clean. Let up on all of that a little to make some time for other things that will make you happier and therefore all of you happier. It sounds as if perhaps you are having behavior issues with your kids also. When you are more settled with yourself and feel better about how much does or does not get done in each day then that contentment and strength will transfer onto your kids and their behaviors will settle as well.
Remember that as a home maker you are the Boss and Manager and if things aren't working then it is your job and privelage to change it. Take it easy on yourself.
Take care,
B.

For me when I felt the same way that you did I was lacking in meaning with everything that I was doing in my life. I got to a point when everything in my life feel apart and honestly that was the best thing that could have happened to me. Today I am so happy with my life even though I am facing most of the same struggles that I was. In my case the answer was spiritual and since I have sought a personal relationship with God my life has changed dramatically. I feel like a whole new person. I know that before this I was spiritually dead and everything I did lacked meaning. I don't know if this is what is going on with you but I just thought I would offer a different perspective :)

Hey mom,
Hang in there! It is hard! Have you heard of the Fly Lady? She has books on home management etc, I know that can really get you down! ( It did for me!) How many classes are you taking? I have been thinking about grad school and have taken some art classes for myself and ONE class at a time is really all I can handle! Because you do have alot of responsibilities and trying to do too much is hard to balance, and YOU suffer! Are you having any fun with your kids? Try to sit down every day and write a gratitude list, starting with thing's like freedom and abundance which we as American's tend to take for granted. Even a peacefull shower frequently tops my list. It sounds like you may have some issues with your husband, I know how hard it is when they work alot, when he is around be nice and pleasant to him, no nagging! I know sometime's we have to force ourselves to do this because it is hard being home all day! And I am an extrvert, I like to be around people so i volunteer at the school, I go have lunch with my kids( which they love by the way!)at their school. I also am in the process of getting a part time job at the school as well just to get out of the house! Since your kids go to school all day that might be an option. ( and take the money and hire yourself a housekeeper to lighten your load!) And it is ok for you to do some thing's for you like exersize or going to the library or whatever you enjoy! It's ok for you to get some of your life back!

C., your husband needs to know how you are feeling. Not in a complaining, blaming way, but in an 'I am struggling, and as my companion and best friend, I need your help' kind of way. There are things he can do and the two of you need to be on the same page about what his contribution can be and needs to be.
Also, I don't know how much your kids do to help out around the house, but they can do a lot at their ages. I have kids this age and they have a lot of responsibilites, dishes, laundry, general housekeeping, etc. I consider this one of the most important things I can do for them because someday they are going to have to function on their own in society and if they don't know how to work, they are not going to be successful or happy. This is a win-win situation for everyone because it gives me a break from the constant responsibilities of housework and it prepares them for life in the real world.
One last thought, I seem to feel far more this way (like you described) in the week or two before my period. I don't know if hormones are playing a role in your struggles, but I find that when I am aware that this is the source of my emotional problems I at least feel a little less insane. Keep going. You can do this and you will come out on the other side a stronger and better person.

I think what you are feeling is very normal. I know I have felt this way before and hopefully it will pass for you too. The thing that you HAVE to do is make time for yourself. Your kids are old enough to understand that you need to do things outside of the family to stay sane. Whether they go to a friends house or just let you take a bath by yourself, they will understand and appreciate a happier mom because you've had some space. I'm not one of those moms that can spend 24/7 with my kids and not feel crazy. I have to have my adult time or I'm not very fun to be around. It's hard to do things for yourself because as a mom and wife you are constantly putting other things before yourself and I would guess you feel guilty if you do anything just for you. I've struggled with this exact situation and my advice to you is that you have to make you a priority. At least in the top 5. It will make you happier and therefore make your family happier. I've explained to my husband the old theory of "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And it's so true. Good luck and don't feel guilty about thinking of yourself for once.

H.

Oh C., you are most definitely not alone.
I raised 3 boys, and worked. There were some days when I just was so tired I could lay down and cry. Or just go in my room and lay down and sleep.
When they would ask me what was wrong, I would tell them.
You have got to take some time for you, no matter how much Mr. Happy pants wants his life happy.
Go for a cup of coffee with a girlfriend, or just go rent a motel room for the day and sit in the bath tub full of bubbles with a good book and a glass of wine.
That helped me when I finally got some backbone and decided I deserved to have some time to myself.
If the Man and the kids don't like it, well tough. They will manage.
But you have to take some time for yourself, believe me I know, or you will implode.
Good luck

You've gotten a LOT of great responses, so I won't say much--just wanted to add one thing I've started doing lately that has helped me out: when I wake up the morning, before I get out of bed, I lie there and consciously think about what's going to be good about the day. I don't let overwhelming thoughts be the first ones of the day. I think, "ok, today's good b/c I'm going to get a coffee on the way to work--yum! And, b/c it's story night tonight at the library with the kids. And, b/c I'm one day closer to the weekend!" Start out positive and it is amazing how much it sets the tone for the rest of your day. Hang in there--you're amazing and strong and deserve some rewards for yourself!
S.

Oh C., reading your note brought back memories. As moms, I think our biggest struggle is keeping our identity and sanity while never even considering our needs. I can only speak for me but I felt that since I was the "non-working" parent (and isn't that a laugh?!) that I had to be super mom/wife. So, not true. Have you heard the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? It is so true. It took me many years to figure out that sometimes, it is ok to lock the door to the bedroom, lock the door to the bathroom and enjoy 20 minutes in a hot tub with a glass of wine! I don't know how your relationship with your husband is but I had to tell mine, look, either I get some help or I'm either going to lose it mentally or I'm just going to disappear one day. I found it doesn't take much to refresh me but that little tiny things were enough to just crush me for a day or even many days. Have you asked your neighbors if they'd like to trade off watching kids? Do you have a girlfriend to do a girl's night with once a month or even every couple months? My biggest issue was prioritizing. I had to start taking "days off". Which of course, for us, is 4 or 5 hours while the kids are at school but with breaks to do laundry and dishes! But I would sit and read a book for hours. I felt so guilty at first but my husband would come home and I would actually be glad to see him and be smiling when I informed him it was frozen pizza for dinner! I was surprised at how helpful my husband was willing to be when I finally talked to him. He was at the point of never wanting to come home! This is long and drawn out but I would urge you to just start with something little, or if you can, go away for the weekend. You need to get reenergized and look at your life and remember why you are doing what you are doing. I miss being home so much now that I have to work! I miss my kids. But, I appreciate them more as well. And I notice when my husband does little things too. Who cares if the load of laundry sits in the dryer for two days if I didn't have to put it in the washer and transfer it to the dryer!! :o)

Remember: If mommy isn't happy, no one is happy.
Take the time to enjoy life. This could be with or without your family whichever sings to your heart.
This is not being selfish. This is taking care of the leaks in your boat.
With my whole heart, C.

Ok, First off!! Stop making everyone ELSE happy, and FIRST make YOURSELF happy. What do you like to do? What hobbies do you have? or used to have? If you didn't have to do laundry and chores all day, what would you like to do instead? Your kids are old enough- do they help out with chores? Have them pick up some of it - it will teach them valuable lessons as they get older to learn responsibility around the house - and free up more time for you! (Kudos to you if they already do!) I'm not nagging or don't want to come off mean or anything. But I've been in the same boat. I'm not as experienced a mom as you (boy is still pretty young). But I know the whole trying to make everyone else happy, never doing what I want. One day I just got burnt out and went on a two week strike. Not that I necessarily wanted to, but I just couldn't do it anymore. The house became a disaster - and I kind of liked it!! - Because I didn't care, and it felt good to stop taking everything upon myself! My husband works full time, but he is in charge of the bathrooms and the garbage, and bathing our son. I do the rest. After my "vacation" I decided to find things that brought me JOY! And now those things are just as, and sometimes more important than getting the dishwasher unloaded, etc. I do keep the house clean again, but I've found that as I've made time for me, and do things that I really like to do, I've started to find more joy in cleaning, and caring for my family. I love being a mom now, because I've decided that it is something I really want to, and always wanted to do! And now that it's not for anyone else, I CAN love it!

Sorry about all the crazy sentences, but I hope my point came across. Because I've learned to put myself first, I've been able to enjoy putting others first, because I know it's my Choice, and it's what I WANT to do. If your husband isn't home, get your kids to clean stuff. I was vacuuming the house when I was 8, my sister has her kids clean - her son cleans the bathroom and he's 5.

I do wish you ALL the best!!!! I think that is AWESOME that you are getting a degree!! And if it's hard to find support at home, I know all us mommies out here support you!!! If your husband doesn't understand about you worrying about you being happy and him worrying about his own happiness, he will. My husband used to have quite a temper, and we would get in some nasty fights sometimes, but I never gave up sticking up for myself, and now things are 100 times better. It's really empowering when you stop carrying everyone else on your shoulders and just be your own person. I hope this helped at all. If not, I'm sorry. Just want to let you know we care about you! Good luck!

"making everyone else happy" will never leave anytime for yourself, C..
I suggest start the day a little bit earlier, take 5,10,15 minutes to sit quietly by yourself, read something uplifting, pray or meditate, start the day with YOU instead of jumping right into "doing" for everyone else.

Other people's happiness is their own responsibility. Being happy is a choice for everyone, the best I can do is help make the day pleasant by taking care of myself so my attitude rubs off on others.

Hi C.,

I've been there myself. Let's get down to it. You sound very unhappy. You make sacrifices for the ones you love, you work hard day to day to make their lives easier. You are bogged down with chores, discipline, schoolwork, no support. Instead of focusing on the things that are bringing you down, try to focus on the positive things that lift you up. For instance, You have two daughters who love and need you. Children tend to take and parents tend to give, why are you upset about it? Your job is thankless, if you are looking for outside affirmation that you are doing a good job and that others appreciate you,..don't hold your breath. It has to come from within. If you know for a certainty that you are doing your best, find peace in that. What do you do for yourself? Do you take time for yourself to meditate or exercise, read a book, or talk on the phone, take a walk outside or go to the store and just browse? Find something that is just for you. Don't pay attention to anyone who would begrudge you time to yourself, and don't ask anyone for permission to take that time, you are a grown woman with a free will, do what you need to do to stay sane.
That said, be careful about being so wrapped up in yourself that you forget to help nurture the people around you. There needs to be a balance in your life. You have made certain commitments like to your spouse and kids, but that also doesn't mean you need to be a doormat. A good book you might want to try is "Mindful Loving" by Henry Grayson. It's a wonderful book that can really help with your relationships with others and ourselves.
Life is complicated, and it might be a good idea to throw out all the unnecessary stuff and simplify. I wish you luck and blessings and hope you can find a measure of peace.