I have a 3 year old normally very sweet daughter. She has a mild expressive language delay. When she gets over tired she scratches and pinches my husband and me. I've tried time outs using 1,2,3 magic method. These are becoming a joke and it doesn't stop the behavior. Usually I end up yelling, which I don't want to do, and she cries and we all feel terrible. Any thoughts on some positive discipline approaches? I also have to add that I had a baby almost 6 months ago, so there are jealousy issues too. Thank you.
We use sticker charts..for whatever it is they want to work on. They earn whatever it is they would like to do with us...bowling, special lunch, movie time
Mothering magazine supports positive discipline and has a helpful message board.
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?s=1...
the best books on positive discipline that I have found to date are: Smart love by martha heineman pieper and william pieper, unconditional parenting by alfie kohn and how to talk to your children so they will listen and listen so they will learn. My daughter does exactly what you describe and I have discussed with a friend who is a pediatrician and child development expert and also reread my books. They all basically say the same: don't do time outs, they will stress your child, don't yell. If a child is hitting you or pinching you, put them down and tell them that we don't hit or don't pinch. Then discuss it with child and model a nice behavior. This has to be done over and over and over again. Being put down and not getting back in my arms until she promises to not do the behavior really works with my little girl. Also trying to remain calm and even yourself taking time out is a good idea - nothing good happens when things escalate. good luck.
If you know she is tired, lay her down and let her fuss until she goes to sleep. Make this a routine. Do not go in and comfort her so she will learn to comfort herself and get herself to sleep. She will also begin to associate the tired feeling with sleep and progress toward going to sleep on her own. If you feed into the behavior at all with interaction, you are encouraging it. I know it is hard to listen to your child cry when it is sleep time but this is necessary for the child to develop into an adult that can identify when they are tired and what they need to do about it.
1-2-3 Magic is a great program if used properly. Time does not begin until the child stops crying, screaming, throwing, getting up, etc. However, if the behavior is due to being tired then discipline is pointless. Remember... you are the parent and you know what your child needs better than she does. Tired = Nap time.
Putting her down for a nap when she behaves this way will also teach her that the behavior does not get her attention, it gets her a nap which is seperation from mom and dad. I am confident this method will work. We own a daycare and I have used it before. Parents of our kids also use these methods and they are finding it works well.
You could also document when the behavior occurs and start heading it off by putting her down for a nap a few minutes before it usually starts. You will be reassuring her (without words) that mommy knows best and mommy is in control. Kids respond very well when they know the adult has everything under control. Children also respond very well to structure. They like it and they seek it.
When nap time is over, spend some time doing something together as a reward for taking a nap. Art time, reading, a favorite TV show, a special snack, etc. Good Luck!
Check out the book, Smart Discipline by Larry Koenig. I have had good luck following the system explained in the book. It also is an easy, fun book to read. We tried the 123 Magic approach too but the Smart Discipline system was much easier for us to follow and stick to. Good luck!
How about preventing the problem (over-tiredness) by making sure she naps and goes to bed at a reasonable hour? I find that my son (also 3) only has problems when he is tired or hungry.
Also, even with a 6 month old you should carve out some "special time" for just you and her on a somewhat regular basis (at least every couple weeks). A trip to a fancy grocery store (like Whole Foods or Trader Joes where she can push a little shopping cart) is always fun and a cheap "date" - you can walk up and down all the aisles and she can pick out one treat - whatever she wants - to bring home with her. Whatever you do for this, the entire point is to spend time with her and enjoy being with HER. This means no hurrying, letting her walk backwards or through the puddles or whatever she wants on the way in/out, etc. The time need not be to a particular place - it could be just a walk together wherever SHE chooses to go, without the baby.
Here's two resources that may have some helpful ideas for you...
http://www.drphil.com/articles/category/4
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
The second one lists an article on what to do for biting (scroll down to the "Bothersome Behavior" category).
Best wishes,
J.
I think Dr. Lehman's books "Have a New Kid by Friday" or "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" could be really helpful!
give her an item that she can do that to when she starts doing it to you?
Kinda like, she scratches you, you say, "I'm sorry, that hurts, you can scratch at this pillow instead." then you hand her the pillow and walk away.
Since she has an expressive speech delay...when she is trying to express herself and her needs she is probably getting frustrated, thus the hitting and pinching. Grab her hands and tell her that is not okay (obviously) and then ask her want she wants or is feeling....encourage her to use words instead of negatvie behavior to get your attention and response.
Hi M M,
Try different incentives, like stickers, fruit snacks, park, computers, stories, tv shows and any other things you know she likes. It takes time, but it will get better!
Hang in there!
Hi! I know a great method - it's called "Common Sense Parenting". I don't know where you live, but the PHD organization in Palatine teaches the method several times throughout the year. Here's a link to the book:
http://www.boystownpress.org/Scripts/prodview.asp?sku=39-018
If you take the class at PHD, it costs $15 for the class and the book together - a 7 week class from 6-7:30pm Mondays. There's a session coming up very soon, but not sure if they have enough people to run it for this session, so call soon. They also provide free babysitting during the class so both you and your husband can attend. Call PHD:
http://www.sphd.org/contact.shtml. I volunteer there as a counselor, and saw the program for myself - it's great.
Best of luck!
A.
Many moms may say I am wrong but I say pinch her back. Children need to learn respect from a very early age.
This is how I would approach it. When she pinches you come down to her level so you are eye to eye and tell her that hurts mommy and next time you pinch mommy I am going to pinch you back, do you understand what mommy is tell you. When she says yes, you say good, i am glad you understand what mommy will do if you pinch again. talk very clear and firm no baby talk. If she pinches again you must follow through. Look right at her and tell her mommy loves you very much but I told you that pinch was not nice and that I would pinch you next time you pinched me, then pinch her. Tell her you are sorry and you hope you never have to do that again. Go her a hug but do not start to cry or get mussy by saying Mommy is soooooo sorry, I will never do that again. you have to be firm but loving. This is a lesson.
^j^
I have had great luck with the book "On Becoming Childwise".
Do not let her get tired. Fix the timings for her naps and night bad time. Prevention is always better than cure.Make a routine for naptime and bad time at night.If she has speech issues, show her how to say I m tired and frustrated in sign language.No matter what, never pinches her back, it will increase that kind of behaviour in long run. right now if you do that it might help, but in long run thats harmful.
Hi there,
Good for you for addressing this while your daughter is young!
There is a very effective and time-tested approach called Love & Logic (R). It's based on empathy and helping your child make responsible choices. We have been working to apply it for the last couple of years and we are amazed at the change (esp. in our youngest).
The website is www.loveandlogic.com. The concepts apply to kids from toddler to young adult.
In the Chicago area, you and your husband can attend a workshop presented by Out-a-Box Group (www.outaboxgroup.com), certified by the Love & Logic(R) Institute. Good luck!
http://www.parentmagic.com/ Try this website. I have 3 children ages 10, 6, and 3... 1 2 3 magic has worked for me. Remember hitting, pinches, scratches anything physical is a straight 3 -time out!!!! No counting for that! When my kids are at 3 timeout- i do not talk to them - I just walk them to their room. Try not to talk- at 3yrs their is not much understanding or reason. Good luck! Every year I watch the 1 2 3 magic videos for a refresher for my self.
Hey MM,
My 4 1/2 year old son does the same thing to my fiance. We pick him up from work every day and I think he just gets so excited to see him that he can't control himself. It does get frustrating, but we keep telling him that he has to use his words to express his feelings rather than hitting and/or pinching.
I think its also important to note that he loves that really intense vestibular/proprioceptive stimulation so I think the pinching and hitting helps him to regulate himself. The trick is to find something appropriate that he can hit, pinch or squeeze and keep reminding him to use his words- that doing any of the above to momma and papa is not acceptable behavior.
You noted that your daughter has a speech delay, so my suggestion would be to help her name her feelings for her. If she's tired and she starts to get wild, tell her "Oh you look tired and you seem like you're getting frustrated." The more you name her emotions for her, the more she'll learn to use those words to express how she's feeling rather than the physical behavior.
I hope that helps!
blessings,
J.
Even with expressive aphasia it is important to alter attention seeking in a negative way by giving her the tools she needs. As you said it happens more when overtired so 3-20 year olds sleep is so important that children will learn more and accomplish more with less intervention if they have enough sleep to rest the brain and reset body chemicals. Give her the tool of being well rested, also make sure she has the tool of a diet that is primarily non-label based. Fruits, veggies and meat that have not been processed give the body easy nutrients to absorb. Then if she does act out give her alternative ways to express herself with her hands such as story cards that have her words for her in pictures for things that she repeatedly asks for but sometimes has difficulty.
