Seeking Moms with Teenage Daughters, Tempe,AZ or Surrounding Areas

The best way for an teen girl to fit in a to belong to a "club". Her school musst have tons of "clubs" to choose from, she should find one that interests her. Be it dance, a sport, a volunteer, or a book club. It doesn't matter which she chooses, if it interests her then the others in the "club" will have a similar interest and it only takes one good friend to give her the confidence she will need to make others. My daughter does school clubs but also has interests in other clubs not offered thru her school so she joined those as well at other schools and around town, just to try them out (she's only a freshman). She also volunteers at the hospital by her school (she can walk over and take the ciy bus home), volunteers at church/synagoge and helps scorekeep at games, attending school events and writing articles for the school paper... There are many opportunities for a young lady to find herself and friendship in many outlets.
Even if your daughter finds something that is only once a week,she will eventually click with someone in the "club" that they will end up seeking each other out at lunch time and become buddies. Don't let her stres over it too much. Lots of luck and patience.

I agree with Linda. Try to get her involved in an extra cirruicular activity. It doesn't have to be at school, you may want it to be outside of school since it is school where she is having the problem. Once she gets involved and builds up her confidence, she may have any easier time making friends at school.

Hi D.,

Just want you to know you are not alone. The teenage years are a challenge and we have two daughters - 16 and 18 - never a dull moment! You can e-mail me if you'd like:

____@____.com
B.

D., what a thoughtful, concerned mom and supportive of you to ask us. My advice is to still be 'there' for her. Listen, listen, listen whenever she needs. My daughter did NOT need advice, just a loving, calm heart. All I would say is "Tell me about it." By her hearing the story in her own words helps remove the emotional lopsidedness of the situation. She'll hopefully learn to navigate towards healthy relationships, friends who accept her, friends who 'like her." Their bodies and minds are growing and changing so, so fast.

Another important area of particular concern is to ensure she's active in some type of extra-curricular sport, music, club, art, church group - something to connect with teens with similar interests. That group will like her.

One of my favorite books at that time: Reviving Ophelia. Written by a therapist - all true teen stories and how and what they deal with. It is there that I read (I think) that this generation is the most lied to generation EVER by the media. They are bombarded with false advertising regarding their body size, image, clothes and hair styles that are unnatural and unhealthy. A wonderful book to have for the both of you.

I loved listening to my daughter describe other girls/boys/stories at school to me at that time. I learned a lot by not being judgmental and simply guiding her to think about what's right.

Good luck!

D.,

It seems that you have much compassion for your daughter and also understand that even though you are close, you can't..and shouldn't be THAT friend to her. This will really benefit her.
MANY teens feel this way. "nobody likes me." "I'm different" etc. Validate her feelings. Validating doesn't mean you agree with her..because I'm sure that many many people like her. Validating means understanding that right now she does feel different and insecure, and she needs you, or someone, who not only has compassion for what she is going through, but can help her feel more confident and secure for who she is...JUST AS SHE IS. She needs guidance, but the work of her liking herself and having high self esteem is inner work she can only do.
What are her intersts, talents? Encourage her to get involved with anything she finds interesting..it doesn't even have to be something at her school. Does the city of Tempe have free or inexpensive classes she can take? Or a cool place she can go to where other like minded teens are? Do you belong to a church with a great teen program? As her mom, you have a fine balance to keep between giving her the space she needs to grow/work/learn more about herself through school or other venues...and you want to continue to be involved and interested.
Does she like to write? Encourage her to journal or do art work. Expressing ourselves this way can be extremely helpful in understanding better.
When children, teens especially, have inner strength and a love for themself, they will naturally attract those friends who are good for them. They will tend to make better choices for themself because they feel good about who they are. It starts with complete and full acceptance of oneself JUST AS YOU ARE, with flaws and everything. It's accepting that we really are a perfect spiritual divine being, but we have flaws and we are continually learning and growing. Only when we truly accept and love ourself for just who we are can we make the changes we WANT to make in our self and our life, and not because somebody else thinks we should, or we think we should so we can "fit in" or look better or be better...but because we truly have the desire to live to our full God given potential. And yes, teens get this. Even though they are still developing and not yet cognitively mature enough to fully understand how to do that....they do get it for the most part. Kids want to be liked, they want to like themselves, they want to do the right and good thing.
I also want to point out, that even though it is so very very normal for teens to feel insecure and unliked, please watch for behavior changes, extremely negative self talk or talk about anything that has to do with not wanting to live, or getting involved with teens who are "lost" and make really poor decisions. If you do notice these things, seek professional help for her and you, and continue to be her viligant guiding light to get her through a tough time. I am not saying that her not feeling liked will lead to suicidal thoughts or behaviors, and I absolutely do not want to put fear into you about your daughter. We can not lead or guide by fear, but only by compassion and love....it's where inner wisdom flows. I just want you to be aware that teens emotions run high and if a teen is very sensitive and they don't have a sense of self worth, they can make decisions that are life threatening.

How are you being a role model for her? Are you completely loving yourself? Do you have interests, talents, passions, dreams that you are pursuing for yourself? How do you talk about yourself in front of her? How you treat yourself will influence how she thinks she should treat herself. Does she have any other positive adult role models? We all want to be EVERYTHING to our children...but we can't. It takes a village to raise a child. Better yet, it takes an emotionally healthy village to raise an emotionally healthy child.

I know you are doing the best that you know how. And as humans, parents, all we can do is the best we can for our kids and pray that it will be enough to guide them through finding their own way.

I wish you and your daughter a joyous, spirit led, and loving full life.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Regardless of her actions and or words at times, she does want and need you to be there for her. I am 33 and I remember being that age and my feelings. I thought no one liked me, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't have a best friend (I thought I did for a couple of years, and I was devistated when I learened different). My parents raised me right ,but i made a couple of bad decisions trying to fit in because "no body liked me" I knew right from wrong so i didn't make the same dumb choices again. I disliked school so much i begged my parents to change my school and they refused. So i had to stick it out. I got a job at the mall after school and I made friends with the other teenagers who worked. I didn't find a best friend, but i did find friends who were more similar to me. They knew the things their friends were doing was stupid, wrong or dangrous but still wanted to fit it. I wanted money in my pocket and I didn't want to have to ask my parents for money, i wanted my independece and the only way to do that was to make $ so I could get out of H.S. years later, I would come across people that I knew in h.s. and they would tell me who they thought I was. They liked me, they thought I was popular?? (me?) Guys thougth i was pretty and many thought I was a snob because i wouldn't laugh at their jokes typically because it was at someones expense, of course I reminded them that picking on people or calling people just wasn't funny. Clubs, extra curicullar activities and everything else that has been mentioned are great ideas, the trick is fidning something that your daughter is interseted in even if it is just a little. Voulunteering somewhere, helping care for horses, voulteering at the YMCA or tutoring elementry children after school. Good Luck, PS. The advise I ahve always given my sister in laws who are 16&17 is if you don't like it here, get straight A's so you can get a scholarship and move out of here! You daughter is very lucky to have a loving concerned mom like you!