Seeking Moms 40 and over with Grown Children

I'm 51 with an 18 boy and almost 16 girl year olds. I look them in the eye and say, I'm your Mother, you will NOT talk to me that way. I don't say it loudly or in attack, just merely state it and it usually defuses the situation. If it doesn't, I turn around and walk away saying, come find me when you can speak civilly to me. I have always allowed them to negotiate and question (within reason) what I ask or say - I don't mind them knowing my reasoning or asking for it. I've never felt that was talking back - but I've NEVER allowed the "attitude" or sassing. Good luck!!!

You can choose to walk away. When my daughter used to talk back to me, I know it was because she wanted me to be as upset as she was. When I calmly put up my hand and said I wouldn't listen to her until she calmed down, it took away her power. I refused to let her get to me. I refused to let her see my anger. (Though inside I wanted to just slap her!) It took a lot of practice because I came from a loud home. I would either walk away or calmly repeat to her to go to her room. I would always tell her that I will listen to her when she was calmed down. Then if she thought she was calm and would start raising her voice, I would remind her again to go and calm down a bit. By staying calm, I felt like I retained control. It is a good feeling!

If your kids are grown, you will have to hang up, leave their home or send them outside of your home but calmly remind them that you will be happy to listen to them when they are calm and respectful.

When my daughter was calm, I would give her some more appropriate ways to express her feelings. I would tell her that she could be upset with me and disagree with me but it had to be communicated in a respectful way. I think she really appreciated that I did want to listen to her. So many kids (all ages) think we don't want to listen and just force our opinions on them and it's final. And sometimes I would even see her point and back down from my original viewpoint. And I would always thank her for her honesty and respectful communication when she was able to show it.

You can be a great teacher for your children. They need to learn how to respect others even though they are upset. Also, remember that "Hurt people hurt people." When they are calm, mention that it seems that they are hurting and if there is anything that you can do. Sometimes they just need someone to listen.

I am 39, my mother is 59. There comes a point in our adult life that a parent/child relationship becomes a peer relationship. My mother is welcome to offer her advice, but she doesn't tell me what to do anymore. She doesn't have that priviledge anymore. She has done her job and she has done a great job. We must RESPECT EACH OTHER at this point. We have arguments - just as friends do. I'm not sure what your child was "talking back to you" about, but maybe you should reevaluate your respect for your child - and they will respect you back. You have to acknowledge that your child is now an adult with (I'm assuming) a family of his/her own.

Why as adults with adult children do we all of a sudden become different people, just because they are now grown?. My Mom just passed away, and I would never have yelled at her the way my oldest yells at me..I think it is called respect, or therefore the lack of. But my oldest treats everyone like she treats me with the exception of her friends..Yeah even her hubby..he just walks away from her. Very good advice. I have lately started to hang the phone up on her and tell her when she can talk to me respectfully, then I am here..So far the death of her grandmother, me hanging up on her and pretty much ignoring her, and also telling her, " I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it"! has seemed to work. LOL.. Thank goodness for cell phone texting. My oldest has attitude and believe me she is getting it back three-fold from her oldest who turns 17 the 25th of this month. All I have to say is TOUCHE!!!! What goes around comes around! Ah ain't life and karma beautiful? This from my youngest daughter, who by the way is 34 yrs. young!!

oh my...you would think that the values you instilled in your daughter while she was growing up would still be there, especially since she left home to raise her family and now has come back to live with you. Where is her respect for you? You should not have to worry about anything except for your life and being able to enjoy you and your hubby's status as grandparents. My daughter and her 4 kids came to live with my hubby and I 2 times and I still ran the show, because they were guests in MY HOME...they respected that and my life was less stressful...and we were 7 people in a 3 bedroom trailer...now that is some small space...LOL!

I have been there and do not want to go back can be the answer...

Aren't you smart for looking for resolution.
Yelling sometimes equals bullying. The response
to bullying is sometimes fear. I don't think
that is the result you are going for. If they
are yelling at you, try to remain calm and
unaffected by it. But like a previous poster said,
walk away and come back to it after "they have
calmed down". Tell them "If they want to treated
like adults, they should
act like adults. More effective is if you save
the yelling for times when you do fear that they
are harming themselves.
Also, moms will always be moms, trying to teach and
influence every stage and situation in life, even into
a 60 year old child. There
comes a time when we just state our feelings and
then take a step back. We/they become nullified at a
broken record. Unless something is harmful or
hurtful, you may have missed the opportunity to be
effective and you just need to show loving concern
and not control. All people, young and old want
control over their choices. Lots of luck.

Just calmly say hold on a moment. Yes, you are grown but I still am and always will be your Mother. Please address me politey and respectfully.
My Parents were here for Christmas. I could never talk back to my Mother even if I didn't like what she said. She is my Mother. I can say calmly that what she has said has hurt or upset me and why, but I will not disrespect her. Yes we disagree but she should never be talked back to by her children. We have agreed to disagree and move on, without anger.

The key to not sounding angry is not being angry. As mothers we raise our children, giving it our very best at the time. At a certain age, we let them go. Be confident in knowing you did your best and any mistakes made once they're grown is no reflection on you or how you raised them...Life or experience is the best teacher! If you're angry and you show it or if you're angry and you try to fake like you're not, it sends a message to your (grown)child that you dont have confidence in their ability to make a good choice...be objective and motivate your children but they need your support as well. There could be any number of reasons why they talked back to you and none of them is a good one but children are people too and they have good days and bad days too. Give them time and space to deal with what they're going through? Don't take it personal, bag up, and 'get easy' show them how to be at peace and have patience and they will come seeking you and anything you have to say in time. [hope this helps im a 30's mom and daughter with a 60's mother]

For a new set of communication skills that can really make a difference, you might want to google Non-Violent Communication. I've been applying a modified version of this with children that I've worked with over recent years, including a 4yo grandson, and it is quite effective. It teaches you to think in terms of feelings and needs, rather than concepts and issues. It is extremely respectful for all parties in the process of communication, and can help ease us out of situations that seem hopelessly stuck.

You don't say, but I'm guessing there is a particular constellation of issues that you and your children differ over, and that when you act as though they should listen to/obey your wishes, the fur starts flying. (If this isn't the case, perhaps you can provide more information for the rest of us to respond to.)

It's a hard thing to learn, if we haven't made a habit of this since their infancy, but for me it seems it must start with you respecting them, and yourself. At some point it will serve you all if you can see them as adults, and treat them as respectfully as you would any other adult. Amazingly, once they believe you're sincere, they are likely to start treating you with more respect. Old habits die hard, though. It could take continued effort on your part, and hits and misses on their part.

Of course, there are plenty of dynamics that could complicate things. If you are truly worried about some of the choices your children are making, for example, then of course you'll feel upset and angry when they defy your wishes. But I suspect that the core issue is still whether you're willing to see them as adults now. You've had 18 or more years to guide your children into responsible, caring adulthood. It might be time to let loose.

And not infrequently, once parents lay down old power struggles, the kids are free to find their own answers. And they often do. I've seen it happen a lot in my 60-some years, and have experienced that myself when I finally got out from under my own mother's control.

My best to you, D.. This is not an easy issue. But it's a great opportunity for all of you to grow in maturity.

I have to ask, what is their ages? What is the circumstance and why is it an issue??

I have agruements (intense discussions *winknudge*) with my children all the time. My son is 21 and my daughter will be 17 in 3 days and both have dillusions of grandure when they try and act like they have more life experience than me.

I kindly remind them they are intitled to their "respectful" opinions...and I will listen to ANYTHING they have to tell me if it's done in a respectful tone or we aren't having a conversation.

I have EARNED the right to be talked to in a reasonable tone. Period.

Smiles to you.