Seeking Help with My 2 1/2 Year Old Daughter, Acting Out of Control.

You've received a lot of good advice but I was also thinking about TV. I don't know how much TV she watches or if you like to have the TV on a lot but I think TV makes a huge impact and most people don't realize it. TV changes scenes so frequently it teaches kids (and adults) to not focus, to overreact, and (if the TV is on all day without people necessarily watching) to ignore people and conversations (which is NOT good when they start school). It's overstimulating and kids have a much harder time calming down from over-stimulation than we adults do. Too many toys and activities do the same thing.

I also like "Love and Logic Magic for the Early Years". It is a very good book.

My daughter was just like that when she was that age. When she got out of control I would just put her fully dressed into a cold shower to snap her out of it, then while I helped her change her clothes, we would go over what she did and why and what she could have done better. After a while it just took the threat of a cold shower and she would stop. Now my daughter is a wonderful 13 year old who tells all her friends that I'm her best friend. Much different from the little girl who told me she was going to "dislike me forever!!!"

It sounds like you do TOOO much for her and give in too much to her and she has too much control. If you don't react to her bad behavior it will quit. I had a neighbor who's child acted like this but when she came to my house she wouln't. They couldn't figure out why. Well, she knew I wouldn't react to her bad or bossy behavior. I make my children learn to entertain themselves. I will buy them all kinds of things, but they don't run my life. I help them, support them, but I don't allow them to be the center of everything all the time. This is a big burden for children to bare and actually they feel pressure to perform after a while. As far as her saying mean things to you, does she hurt your feelings when she does? She shouldn't be allowed to have enough power to hurt your feelings when she is throwing a fit and being spiteful. You need to let her know that when she is being demanding or mean that you lose all interest in what she wants. Don't reward bad behavior with positive or negitive attention. Just place her away in a corner or her room and make her deal with the fits and bad feelings. When she is done I would make her tell you what she did wrong and say sorry. Then get over it and move on. Good luck...it just gets worse until age 4.5 if not gotten under control.

Prevention:
1-meals on time/snacks between meals
2-check for teething - 2 yr molars
3-quiet, soothing music (it sounds like she's over stimulated.)
4-take her out to play every OTHER day instead of every day (this will cut back her stress level.)
5-make a point of smiling at her
6-getting enough sleep

Consequences:
1-TIMEOUT (this is your biggest tool - it'll work the fastest and the best.)
a-"do you need a timeout?" "3,2,1,timeout" (she'll try to negotiate her way out of it "no no, i don't want a time out, i'll do it" don't let her. she can do that BEFORE you're done counting but not after. She needs to learn that she has to make that choice before you finish counting.
b-in 10 words or less tell her why she's going to time out. "we do NOT hit sister, we protect sister." "You're having a tantrum; you need a timeout."
c-put her in time out. if she absolutely refuses to stay in time out, you go in timeout with her to make sure she stays there - you'll only need to go with her about 10 times.
d-leave her in timeout until she calms down/starts calming down. (I do this differently than most people, but I think it works better.)
e-"are you done?...ok, you can come out now. Do you need a hug?" /hug (if she starts having a tantrum/crying send her back)

f-refrain from rediscussing why she was in timeout. She doesn't remember what happened and it'll only upset her.

2-if she does something wrong with one of her toys (refuses to share or hits sister with it,) give her TOY a time out. "that toy's not being nice, it needs a timeout"
3-encourage her to name her feelings: "do you feel angry? frustrated?" and share your own feelings "I feel angry, too."
4-point out her sister's feelings "oh, she's smiling - she likes you - you made her happy" "oh, she's crying. she's sad"
5-When she starts having a problem, ask "do you need a hug?" - sometimes this skips the need for the timeout.

She's pushing her boundaries. If you're strict about the counting down/timeout thing, her behavior will improve in just a few days.

Sorry this was so long. I have a son who'll be 3 next month. He's had some really awful days and this is what returned my sweet boy to me.

believe it or not, there is a correct way to do time outs and a wrong way.

When she starts acting out, give her a warning (you must never yell...she will learn that yelling is acceptable, and it isn't). If she continues, put her in timeout and set a timer, 1 minute for each year of age. Don't put her in her room, because that is where she sleeps. If you punish her with her room she won't go to bed at night because it's punishment.

If, during the timeout she continues to scream, ignore it, as long as she stays WHERE you put her. Don't respond to anything she says. Your only objective is putting her where she is supposed to be, then go about working. If she continues to move from where you put her, restart the timer until she stays put for the entire time.

When her time is up, get down on her level (kneel, sit, etc) so you can see eye to eye and explain to her why she was put in time out. Ask for an apology. Hugs and Kisses. This is the format that needs to be used.

Good Luck.

You didn't mention anything about your routine... I would strongly suggest that you have some kind of set routine for her. Have certain things that are a constant for her everyday and it may help her feel more secure and calmer.
Also remember that she is young and on aveage the attention span of a child is no more than 5 min per year of age. So best of luck!

I can sympathize with you. I have four and my third (she is three going on 30) one sounds a lot like your darling princess. What I have had to do with mine is to use vanity. I tell her how ugly she is when she acts this way, but I make sure that when she is "good" that I tell her how much of a pretty princesses she has become. We even went as far as to get her a princess dress and put it on her during her good moments (I also used this during her potty training). We also put pretty hair things in her hair and jewelry (play) so that not only did she act the part but she looks the part. Of course we only do this when we are at home, but if she was/is well behaved while we were out we adorned her with her "pretties" as soon as she came home. (she has kinda out grown this but every once in a while she likes to still use her stuff when she is good, but her behavior has also improved to a point that we don't have to use the "frog" ploy.) hope it helps!!! I did worry about the vanity at first but it works for mine and not in a negative aspect.

Time for a little Love and Logic. Get the Early Years and take a course if you can imediately. One of the things it teaches you is to tune out...don't react...become transparent. Moveher to a safe place and let her have her fit. But dont give her attention or any reaction at all (later, go into your bathroom and scream to yourself or hit a pillow to let it out). Try to adopt a sing song voice and say:"Uhoh, that is sad, time for you to go to your room (sit strapped in the grocery cart, get strapped in a stroller, or held down in a corner someplace away from people.) you will find that in 1 to 2 months of this as a regular routine, she is lie...why bother. then look at the other Love and Logic techniques. Assess if you are communicating to her Love Laguage...another great book. I figured out my son's (2.5 as well) has a love language of service. this was a hard one to detect, but if he feels helpful with just about everything...I'm set with the behavior. Hey, i hope this pays off when he is 13 and he is mowing the lawn, vacumming, and doing the dishes! good luck. Also, we instilled the peace couch in our infrequently used living room. Bth kids go there when the behavior is just loosing it, not punishable like hitting. they go there (we put them there...you have to bring them back there many times at first and talk about what it is for while they are not angry) and soothe themsleves. Now, it only takes a little bit. My nearly 4 year old will sometimes cry herself to sleep for a minute, but is happy go lucky when she gets up. We also call this behavior the "red dragon' the three of us came up with the color and animal together. they even use it on me. Uh, oh, mom, your red dragon is here. then we usually smile at the reminder.

Have you by chance been giving her foods with red dye in it? Our daughter's behavior dramatically changed when we eliminated Red Dye #40 from her diet. Google "red dye behavior" and you find a lot of interesting articles about red dye and behavior problems in children. Just a thought.

She is 2, so I think you have to cut her a lot of slack. She may be feeling things that she doesn't have the words to express yet, and in turn is the reason for her sudden irratic behavior. Ignore her tantrums. Say, "I can old hear you when you use a nice voice, when you calm down I'll be in the kitchen," then walk away. When she figures out that her screaming and crying gets her nothing, it'll subside. As for the violent behavior. Get down to her level and tell her that trowing things is not okay and hurts people. Sit her in time out until she stays there for a full 2 min. and then tell her why she was there and that she needs to appologize to whoever she was hurting.

Hi K.,

Many times people get more emotional when they are low on omega three oils. We can get omega three oils from fish, flax, walnuts, etc. If your family is not getting enough, try gettting some lemon flavored fish oil, mix it with lemonade and have her drink it (with you and your husband). It doesn't taste as bad as it sounds and you will be surprised at how great it makes your whole family feel. You can also get flax seed, grind it in a coffee grinder and put it on her french toast, cereal, etc. My sister grinds walnuts up and puts it in her cookies, waffles, etc. After taking the omega 3 oils for a while, I told my moodiest child that I thought he and his siblings were easier to get along with now that we were eating well. He told me I was easier to get along with now, too! It makes a huge difference and most Americans are not getting nearly enough omega 3 oils.

K. Loidolt
Author, Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living

Oh, my goodness, I could have wrote this about my daughter!! It is exactly how my daughter has been acting lately!! She is 2 1/2 as well. The only thing I have found that is slowly sinking in, is repitition. We do and say the same things to her over and over and over and over... LOL I don't have any real words of wisdom for you, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!! and to Thank you for your post, it gives me hope that my daughter isn't the only one 'out of control' and that maybe it is the age thing!! My Mom has told me over and over that she is not 'out of control' she is just testing us, and that as long as we are teaching her that the behavior is not ok, she won't be 'out of control', it is the ones that get a way with it that are 'out of control'. She has raised 6 daughters, and has done daycare for more than 15 years on & off, so I guess she may know what she's talking about, a little. LOL

First pick one method of discipline, whichever had the most effect even if it wasn't huge and stick to it, in the beginning it may seem like all she does is sit in time-out or her room but remind her that she is there because she hit/bit/kicked and that that is not OK with you. She is really testing her boundaries and if it isn't brought under control know it will only get worse, not to mention the example that is being set for the baby. Also and this may sound counter productive but quit focusing so much of your attention on her, she must learn to occupy herself, that is one of the best gifts we can give our children, I don't mean put her a corner and ignore her, but when you give her a busy activity and she decides pulling all the books off the shelf is more fun put her in her room and let her know that when she is ready to sit and color nicely she may come out, and if she still can't color by herself then put her back and put up the colors. Once she comes back out again have her just sit down again and play with something else. This will take sometime but if you start know and are "strict" about it she will learn to A: entertain herself without doing things she knows better B: Teach her a little more independence and C: let her know that when mommy/daddy says NO that they mean NO. And last but not least don't take it personal, her intentions aren't to hurt the family she just want's what she want's and hasn't really learned that we can't always have what we want. I hope any of this made sense.

Sounds like she's in her terrible twos. I wouldn't have any experience with that myself but my nephews were alot the same.

Hey K.,
Here is my 2 cents...

If you know that it is not a medical issue...Sickness, Allergies etc...then I would suggest you
get the parenting CD's called Love & Logic by I think his name is Robert Fey...
If you are affiliated with a church...they may have the CDs you could borrow or they may even offer the class...(something to look into)

Learning the U-HO song...and following through on it could be very beneficial to you..

My children are 20, 18 and 10...and I wish I would have known about the class several years ago...it would have made my life alot easier :0)

Hope this was supportive.
T. :0)

Hi K.,
How often does your daughter nap? I know it sounds simple, but there is something to it. My nephew was also VERY energetic and BUSY! He never napped and didn't sleep well at night either. He was like a ping pong ball. Turns out he was very sleep deprived. His adenoids were huge and were therefore, giving him sleep apnea. So he woke up all the time because he couldn't breathe. While I am not suggesting that has anything to do with your daughter, my point is that he needed sleep and was not getting anywhere near enough. His parents didn't try to get him to nap because he was always so busy and never seemed “tired”. He was actually like a sleep deprived new mom!

For whatever reason, pediatricians look beyond the simple and go right for the scary. He had been referred to be tested for ADHD and bipolar disorder (at age 4) before his mom stumbled on the actual issue - his adenoids. He has since had them removed and is sleeping through the night. He's SO much calmer.

If she’s recently eliminated a nap or isn’t sleeping as long as she used to, maybe moving her bedtime up 15 minutes at a time might help (until you see results). Of course, if she’s napping as usual, it may be a control issue and the time outs that the others suggested would then come into play. Thirty minutes of sleep for a growing body can make a world of difference.

Good luck!

That's why they call it the terrible twos. Say goodbye to cute baby, welcome to toddler world. My advice is not to forget who is the boss here. You are. You are giving way too much control to her. Let her throw her fits. But don't let her get her way. Introduce timeouts. Reward her for good behavior. This, too, soon shall pass--- unless you give in to it. Don't create a monster. Nip it in the bud.

Two is a tough age... my son turns 3 in 2 months- I can't wait!!! I am already starting to see some changes and a little more maturity! Two things I have noticed with mine- when our day is more structured- he does not get as bored and there are less fits. Also, I once video taped him throwing an outrageous tantrum and then showed him at a time when he was calmer. He responded "Whats wrong with that boy?- that's me!" Yes, then we talk about that behavior and I think he was a little embarrassed. I have not seen a tantrum that bad since. Also we are working at not ever giving him the things that he whines or cries for. Hoping not to further encourage that behavior. The whining and tantrums are exhausting!!! Hang in there.

You did not mention her sleep habbits. I'm surprised no one has mentioned the idea of looking into her sleep patterns. I can always tell when my kids (3 1/2 & 2) are tired - they always act out more. You have been given a lot of good advice about disapline, so I won't mention that. I would just suggest looking into two things: her diet (it is amazing how much diet effects behavior!) and her sleep habbits.
Do all the time-out stuff (great post on doing proper time-outs!), setting a schedule she can depend on, but look at her diet and sleep. Is she napping? My daughter is 3 1/2 and still has naps - it helps a ton!!
Like the other poster suggested, do research on foods your daughter may be eating. Eliminating certain things that may have a negative reaction in your daughter may help her quite a bit.
Good luck to you! My mom always says, "This too shall pass." and it will!

Hi,

I recently took a Love and Logic class (the one geared to kids 6 and under) and it had some really useful info on how to handle toddler behavior. I know it's hard to make the time to take a class that takes several weeks, but they also have a book.

The biggest thing I took away from the class is to start thinking in I vs you sense, or using enforceable statements vs unenforceable statements. For example, if your daughter is acting up because she doesn't want to eat what you have dinner, use an enforceable statement like, I will be serving dinner for the next 15 mintues. This is something you can enforce and if she complains (and it will get worse in the short run) then just keep repeating the phrase and not try and reason with her. She'll come to realize you mean what you say.

The other thing that has really helped with my almost 3 year old to stop the whining is to say something like "I will listen when your voice sounds like mine". I used to say please stop whining, which didn't help.

I would highly recommend taking a Love and Logic class or reading the book. There are other great tips on what to do if they are acting up and you can't use enforecable statements.

My son has my temperment. Not a good thing always!
The all around advice I have is to stick to your guns and don't back down. Be firm and loving but most importantly be consistent in what you do. If you are not already, you and your husband need to be a united front. They are so smart and extremely aware of any weaknesses.
You don't have to do everything under the sun to try and fix this either. Keep it simple. Pick a punishment or two as well as a reward or two and focus on those. She'll soon be hip to what's expected of her in the family and will begin to assume her role.
Lastly, watch what she is seeing played out on t.v. and with other kids. There may be a source you can eliminate very easily to help.

have an almost 4 yr old a lot like that and I just started reading a book. Raising your spirited child. So far it has been enlightening. Sounds like you might think so too. Good luck.

A.

Just finished this stage with my youngest. And YES I do believe it is a stage. Be consistant and let her know what is and is NOT appropriate. Time out if needed. She may be fighting for attention from younger sibling too! Sibling rivalary...gotta love it.

Maybe make some "mommy and me" time with just her. When my first child did this, I started "date nights" with her. Dad or grandparents would take the younger sibling and I would take that time to just be with her. Sometimes it was a picnic at a park, sometimes it was McDonald's playland. Whatever we did, it was just about her and me time!

Also, at my house, physical aggression is NEVER allowed. There is a reason she is acting out physically...something she is very upset with and you need to get to the bottom of. HOWEVER, in the mean time, I would make it mandatory time out for 2.5 minutes anytime their is physical aggression! With my youngest, there have been times she will cry the entire time!

I was watching "Nanny 911" and the other nanny show, both suggested time out for physical aggression. They also suggested that the time out time doesn't start until they stop crying, screaming and throwing a tantrum. Which means, they can sit in time out a LONG time before their time starts! They also have to apologize and make amends before time out ends. I tried this and the first few times were miserable. By the end I wanted to scream. After about 3-4 times, my daughter realized that mommy was serious about this and she had to change. Things have got increasingly better. She just turned 3 and getting better. We still have tantrums and such, I just know how to handle them better now!

As for getting to the root of the problem...part of it is she is 2, the other part will just take experimenting. If you find that the problems decrease when you start the dates, you might find she is acting out to get your attention.

Best of LUCK!!!

Time to step up the discipline. Don't allow her to tell you no. She can say it but never give in to her. Be very consistent and eventually she will understand you rule the roost not her. Put her in time out, if that means setting her back there twenty times then do so without a word. Be firm and consistent.

Teaching her now that words hurt is okay but she has no clue what she is saying. Just ignore her unless she is telling you know or purposely being defiant. If she throws a fit, step over her and walk out of the room. Don't pay any attention to her with her drama. I speak from experience as I have a dramatic, head strong almost 7 year old that at about 3 started this. Only in the last year is her brain actually realizing that she gets NOWHERE acting up and acting badly and if she wants her way or things to go smoother she best listen to me.

If you ask your daughter to do something, ask once, if she doesn't listen, then pick her up, set her in the corner and tell her it is important for her to listen to mommy. Period. Make her sit there for two minutes the make the request again. If she ignores you, then again, time out.
It won't be fun, but you being calm will help her be calm, you being consistent it will start to register with her that she needs to listen and do what she is suppose to.

When my kids get impatient over a toy or whatever, if they throw it out of frustration, I take it away and tell them that when they calm down they can have it back. If they just flip out because it isn't working I simply say "I will help you only when you can ask me nicely and relax". Both are learning it is just better to ask me calmly for help or to help them figure out a solution to whatever is frustrating them. Toys have been taken away for up to 48 hours before as I say "if it makes you that angry then you needn't play with it".
I would also start empowering her with positive words. She is acting out due to her age, being able to and frustration. Give her tools to say "mommy I need help" or words when she is upset. Acknowledge her for being upset like " I am sure that makes you very angry, I am sorry but this is what has to happen right now" or "I understand you are upset, but I am the mommy and I know what is best for you" very calmly but you validating what she is feeling will help down the road.
Sometimes they just need to be heard.

You have a road ahead of you! :) I feel your pain as I am just figuring out how to deal with my daughter and we have been going through this for four years now! It is hard, but the more patient I am, she is, the more calm I am, she is. I am seeing just being firm, but consistent, not giving in but being empathetic is helping a lot too. Good luck

I haven't had much experience with this but my 1st instinct is for you to simplify your daily routine as much as possible, and 2ndly have your daughter checked out by Child Find if you are in this area: Boulder/Louisville area. There are similar programs like this under a different name, just ask around maybe your local school district. It might be that your daughter is simply going through toddler frustrations and you and your husband may just need to find new ways to nipping the dragon in the bud before it gets out of hand. I really sounds like you 2 have been trying lots of things but maybe Child Find can help interpret what your daughter is needing underneath all the hysteria. As for the simplifying, I mean perhaps store away 1/2 the toys so your girl can enjoy each thing without having too many choices and then you can switch out the boring toys for a "lost but fun" toy. My son has ADD, and I was told to create as calming and quiet enviroment as possible. TV is not a good idea as most of us know,(I watch too much myself).
Good luck and keep seeking answers....