Seeking Help with Behavior in Children

I think sometimes caretakers of children (grandparents, babysitters, etc.) are assumed to not have the same disciplinary "rights" as the parents. I've recently been reading a book that says that whomever takes care of the child ought to have the right to use discipline. Usually, it would be a good idea to talk it over with the parents. Even if the caretaker of the child is a 10 year old older sibling, if they aren't able to correct bad behavior, it's not fair to the 10 year old or the younger child because the young child learns that "the law" only applies when the parents are around. I have witnessed first hand grandparents that seem helpless when it comes to straightening out their grandkids and I feel so sorry for them because they probably don't feel they have any power to instill what is "right" in their grandkids, and that should not be. I hope you're able to have this discussion with the child's parents so that ALL of you can be responsible, in part, for raising a sweet child.

Food intake only could change her behavior. That is the easiest, cheapest but hardest thing to change to see if it yeilds results. ALL the "traditional" childrens foods have dyes (cause behavior problems), sugar (cause behavior problems) and have been genetically modified either by the grower or by man (cause behavior problems).

This is an amazing article that can explain it better than me :) http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/09/dining/09alle.html?_r=1...

I highly recommend "What the Bible Says About Child Training" by Fugate - best book I ever read on child training and it works! I've never know anyone who used it who did not get great results. (I give it to all my friends.)

SAHM of seven

Check out John Rosemond's books and or advice, he is from the old school when dealing with strong willed children

One of the things that I've used in the past is a time-out chair. If my kids didn't listen or were being just stubborn about doing a simple task, the time-out chair was the place they would go. As they got older and the time-out chair wasn't used anymore, the front door and their little noses were placed on it. Since the door opened right into the living room, it would drive them crazy because they could hear what was going on but couldn't see. With them being teens now and much taller, a nose on the wall is enough of a suggestion to get them to do what needs to be done, but back when they were all around the age of 7 it still had its desired effect. I also liked the lady's suggestion (who is a teacher) because they are creative but a very passive but effective. The others have made good suggestions too. Read a little about your grand daughters behavior. What every you can do will bring you peace of mind. Prayer will also help a lot too.

1-2-3 Magic by Dr Thomas W Phelan

Read the book "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr Thomas W Phelan. It's a great book for changing children's behavior. He also has a website at www.parentmagic.com that has newletters with lots of great tips.

She may just have "selective hearing" (which my sons also have from time to time-- LoL). When you talk to her, make sure she looks you in the eye and have her repeat back what you've said. That way you'll know she HEARS you, she's just choosing not to LISTEN and follow thru.

First of all, it's great that you are looking to get your granddaughter some help before things get out of control. Clearly, it's a stressful time for you all. I read the other responses and I agree that maybe something needs to be nurtured in her (not just punished) but I also think that defiant behavior is sometimes looking for limits. So my advice is maybe to do both. (if you think about it, that's what the Supernanny always does...I have only watched it a few times, but....) Find a way to spend some fun, quality time for her doing something she likes. Make it a regular part of the daily routine. Reading or drawing together, something she picks. Then also establish some firm rules about what kind of behavior is acceptable and have some firm/uncomfortable consequences if she doesn't follow them. Key here is that you have to implement the consequences ~ no wimping out. That way you are coming at it from both ends giving her some attention and setting firm limits. Good luck!

Love and Logic is a wonderful tool for parenting, and grandparenting, children. Search the internet or check out your local library or book store. They have several books and video available to address many issues parents (and grandparents) face when raising children. While your grandchild may be defiant, using these simple phrases and techniques, you can help her to make better choices. It is helpful if the whole family is on board with this method, but even just you would be a step in the right direction.

Hi L.,
Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay is a wonderful resource for exactly the kind of thing you are experiencing with your 7 year old granddaughter. I see that other moms that have responded have recommended it too. I am a school teacher and I have used both books Parenting with Love and Logic and Teaching with Love and Logic. Basically it helps you learn how to manage power struggles with children. Offering choices is the best way to diminish defiant behavior. It sets boundaries that you are ok with and the child feels like they have some ownership in the things they do too. For example, say you are having trouble getting your child to wear a jacket on a chilly day. What you basically want is the child to take her coat. Instead of demanding "You will wear it!" and the child flat out refusing, offer this instead, "Would you rather wear your coat or carry it?" This switches her attention to deciding what she wants to do instead of fighting you on it. If she chooses to just carry the coat, chances are when she gets outside and feels cold, naturally she will put on her coat and you have just eliminated the power struggle altogether.

I am sorry to hear that you have been sick. My prayers are with you!

A.

I have some experience with this - not in a child - but in myself. When I was that age, I was exactly what you described.

You need to engage her in something she loves. If she loves to read, get books. If she loves to paint, let her paint. You get the idea. I've felt this feeling before as a child, and more often than not I was bored out of my mind. I remember it well.

Please don't tell her how bad she's being. Find the positive and nurture that.

R.

Hi L.,
Set realistic guide lines and rules for her. And when she doesn't obey it's very important that you follow thru and are consistant with following thru with her punishment. You are so right to want to take care of it now, as they get older it will only get worse. I can't stress enough the consistancy of following thru. There will be some days you'll feel like all you've done is correct her, but she'll eventually catch on and she'll have clear boundaries and everyone will be happy. Children find security in having boundaries, so make sure you keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing for your grand-daughter. Prayer is a great tool and also a great book for some creative discipline techniques and ideas is CREATIVE CORRECTION by Lisa Whelchel. Your grand-daughter will not love you any less thru this process, if anything it will bring you closer. Stay strong and God bless.

D.

Hi L.
Hve you had her tested for hearing loss. Also it sounds like a girl in my sons calss who as asbergers. that is where you can not control your impulses you may know its wrong but you do it any way. I would talk to the school about these issues a little more. Good luck T.

Wow.... O.O For a while there, I thought you might be my mother in Law! Your situation sounds just like mine, my 7 year old is crazy. I wish I could tell you how to handle it.

Good luck!

7 year olds go through a phase when they seek independence. Let her make decisions for ex: do you want this or this.
Fighting with her seems to make her fight back even harder. Go with the flow. As for determining whether she has Asbergers or or any other issues.. Be careful, try other things first. this may just be a phase.

My 7 year old step-daughter has Oppositional Defiance Disorder..or ODD. A simple medication really helps her. If you talk to her doctor about her not being able to mind, there's questionairres that you can fill out to help the dr. figure out what's going on. They may refer you to a psychologist to help diagnose the problem. I hope this helps you.

I have found wonderful help with "parenting with love and logic" by Foster & Cline. My oldest (8yrs) is very very strong willed. It has been amazing with him. They have a website at www.loveandlogic.com the also offer free help on an 800 number. Give them a try you will love the advice and it will help you with your granddaughter.
Good luck.

I highly recommend "Love & Logic". Great tools that work!

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Girls these days are too smart to be bullied or disciplined. Your granddaughter is probably a Spirited Child. Read: 'Raising Your Spirited Child' - you'll find it at the library. It is the toolkit for smart kids (15% of children born are smarter than the adults who are raising them).

Once you have the tools to talk to her at her level, you will both get along just fine. Watch her eyes light up when you ask her a question and listen carefully to her amazing answers.

Since she is a Native, she will need more confidence and brains to jump the hurdles the white culture she lives in provides for her. You will not regret reading this book grandma. Then pass it along to her mother, who is probably just as stumped as you are.

If you can't get this book, respond to me here. We can talk more about it. I have a Spirited child. She is now 13 and the joy of my life. I never thought we'd get along this well when she was little. Getting these tools will save your lives.

L.,

I am sorry to hear of your illness. I sincerely hope you are the recipient of a miracle. I am assuming that these children live with you and that you have custody of them. If that is the scenario, I would use the resources in the community. Your children's school should have at least one counselor, most communities have free parenting classes. Love and Logic is a great parenting book and should be available at the local library.

If you are asking about what to do when your grandchildren visit you, you need to let their parents handle it. If they are clueless as to her behavior, bring up your concern once, then respect their decision as parents.

Good luck,
S.

It is time for deliberate, consistent, logical consequences which follows your grand-daughters behavior. If, for instance, she is told that she must clean her room and she chooses not to, then, she loses the privilege of retaining the room. (A private room is a privilege and not a right.) Or, if she chooses not to hear when you tell her to stop doing something, then she loses the privilege of choosing her activity. If she throws something, then she loses that item. Until she earns it back. You have to remember that unless there is a medical condition that makes her TRULY unable to listen or do what you say (low functioning autism, etc.) that she is making a CHOICE to not listen to you. And unless there are true consequences, she is learning that her choice is the law. Your job is not to be her friend. Your job, and that of her parents or other important adults in her life, is to be her guide.

I am a teacher, 30 years old, and a parent of a wonderful six year old. In my experience, many people are terrified to discipline their children. As her grandmother, I don't know if you have custody of your granddaughter, or how large the role you play in her life, is. However, if you want to truly help your granddaughter and make her the best individual that she can be, and if you want to earn her enduring respect, it is important that lines are drawn and stuck to.

Good luck!

It's hard to know what is going on. I try and steer away from labels. Could even be an allergic reaction to artificial colors and flavors, was for our son. It peaked when he was 7 and until we figured it out he was even having temper tantrum like behavior. Takes work to do it. Blessings, health and positive attitude to you.
S.
http://www.YesToSuccess.net/S.
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