Seeking Help with a 19 Month Girl

I have actually been in your shoes. I was married for about two years, but with my ex for 4 years. I was verbally and physically abused by an alcoholic husband. His family even made my life hell. I am 24 and a single mom of 2 kids. I left him in Pennsylvania a little over a year ago and have been divorced since August. My daughter is 2 and son is 9 months. I understand that your daughter is behaving in a rough manner, but hang in there. My daughter did the same after we split. They are just exerting behavior that they saw in the home. Sometimes it is just that toddler thing. I know your daughter is not 2 yet, but it can start earlier. You just need to discipline her and try to let her know who is boss. If you need to talk, I am always available. Things will get better, I promise.

You may call me if you like at ###-###-####.

Sincerely,
B. B

S.,
You are so brave and strong for wanting a better life for you and your girl. I admire you. It must be so hard to handle your little one's anger and frustration after what you went through but I can already tell you'll get there. There are several non-profit agencies in the area that work with dv victims and their children, for free. I would encourage you to contact them (New Beginning Center in Garland ###-###-####, Genesis, Family Place or Hope's Door) for counseling and also ANY other need such as legal, jobs, etc...It is all free. Get all the help and support you can right now and it will be a little less overwhelming.
I will pray for both of you and again, you are very strong!

my daughter is 21 months and we have been going through something similar, first i think it is important to know that your daughter may be having some feelings about your situation too. They tend to act out when they are frustrated. yes, i know some kids do it cuz they think it is funny!!
anyway, my advice is to take a look at your body language and mood and change any way you can to appear happy and stable. As for your daughter, she may not be ready for time outs yet but I have sat with my daughter in a time out and did not look at her for about 30 seconds despite her attempts to seek my attention, which is what your daughter wants. also, when she does this behavior calmly get up and walk away and tell her that " we do not hit" "these are the house rules", I can only say it has worked miracles with my daughter she bit me twice and never again, and I have never had to do anything more that what I described above. when you want away go to an activity in which she can not participate, like washing dishes or something, so she sees your focus is not on her, obviously make sure you can see her out of the corner of your eye, when she approaches you say hello, are you ready to say your sorry, bend down and let her give you a hug, you may have to help her a little at first, but she should get it after a few times, consistency is always key!
hang in there with your personal situation, remember your daughter needs you to hold it together for the both of you, cry when she is sleeping and remember, she is very sensitive to your moods. If i can be of any other help let me know.

I am sorry what you are going through. I am too a single mother of a 18 month old son and was only married for 3 months when we separated.

I would show your daughter NOT to hit and/or scream and that hurts mommy, It's hard on your daughter as well so you need to try to be patient. She is probably letting out some frustration. It takes time.
You might want to seek some counsel.

Good Luck and God Bless.
M.

Ok this is not a quick fix kind of situation but let's see if I can offer some aid. You say your husband beat you I can't imagine what that was like for you I mean my husband just hates me. But if your 19 month old saw this or worse was beaten or verbally abused as well she IS going to have serious side effects from this and you just happen to be seeing them right now. Fortunately if she out of that kind of situation it can only get better from here. So first understand that she is acting as she once saw one of her parents act. If she hits you take her hands put them down to her side and hug her and reaffirm to her that you are there you love her and will not be leaving (Because; you left daddy why wouldn't you leave her too). Now at those times when she is whining and you are about to lose it all together time outs are a really good deterrent. You say first would you like to go to time-out because you can't stop whining then when she still doesn't stop you pick her up quietly and set her in a chair on a stair step or somewhere else where there are limited distractions, and make her sit for one minute or one minute for every year old she is. Now the only trick to this is you shouldn't talk to her while she's there don't tell her what she did wrong or anything you just wait also if she gets up pick her up and put her right back and tell her still one minute. When she is done with her time out you go to her you get on her level you explain what she did and why it was not ok and (this is the important part) you hug her and kiss her and tell her you love her very much and your not going anywhere no matter what she does. I'm glad that you and daughter found your way out of such a hard situation. I hope you do well in the future and don't worry if she seems to be doing pretty bad now all she needs is alot of love from you and love never fails.

I am really sorry to hear about all that you have been through. There are some wonderful resources available to you here in Dallas. I am not an expert, but your daughter may be reacting to the violence she experienced and saw. Even children as young as your daughter model what they see. I recommend you try to seek out counseling services for you and your child. Being in a violent relationship leaves scars (emotional as well as sometimes physical). You are a wondeful parent to your daughter, you knew to leave and you know that you need some help now.

There is a 24 hour/free hot line at the bottom of the link I am attaching.
http://www.genesisshelter.org/services.php

Remember this is what she saw all her little life and she doesn't know any better, but now you can do something for her and as for youur yourself. You've already tqaken that first step many women are afriad of,you've left him...... YEA!!!!! Now you can show your daughter real honest to goodness love and what it means not the fist. When she goes inthe fit mode and starts hitting you firmly tell her no then time out. I know it seems stupid with the time out but if it isn't done now she will grow to think that's how a man is supposed to treat all women,and you know better that, that isn't the way.Stick to what you do for your daughter and all will get get better.

Dear S.,
I do know a psychiatrist who is absolutely wonderful! I do think that taking control in a positive manner with your daughter is the key, but for someone who can help with you and help you understand what is going on and to deal with your baby could be helpful. I hope all things turn better for you and your daughter I can't imagine what you are going through but wil say a prayer for you. Good luck.
Let me know if you want her name and number, she is in Fort Worth.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am a survivor of severe domestic violence. I left 13 years ago with a two month old and an 18 month old. You and your daughter need to get counseling to get through all of this. I hope you have already filed for divorce as there can be custody issues as well. You cannot handle all of this by yourself. Please let me know if I can help further.....I just reread your post where you say you were both beaten.......do you want to call me? you need to file for divorce, file charges and get therapy, for you both.....we did not find out for years the effect this had on my eldest and the discipline is somewhat different....I went to New Beginnings for therapy....they are awesome and can help in many ways - jobs, Christmas, apts...etc.....I know first hand how frightening all this is......{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

B.

B............in east Dallas

S.,
I am a little slow at reading all my mail but i just came across your request. I hope you are still here and okay. I just want to tell you about a local resource that will come to your home and do an evaluation on your daughter to see if they can help. It is my hope that you have already found some really good support systems by now but you can call your local ECI program. They work with children birth to their third birthday that have developmental concerns. You can call 800-628-5115 for the program in your area. Please keep us informed about what is going on. J.