Seeking Help from Other Parents Who Have Joined Families!

I went through this briefly, as well, when pregnant with my second. My husband is not my son's biological father, but has been in his life since he was a year and a half old.

My husband started having Daddy-Caleb days where it would be just the two of them. Since then, we've never had another temper tantrum. He loves being a big brother, and loves to help take care of his baby sister.

Don't be afraid that your fiance will only want to care for his biological child. He's not just marrying you, he's marrying BOTH of you. If he didn't want your daughter, he wouldn't be in your life at all.

Maybe sit down together as a family and discuss what it will mean to have the new baby. Make sure your daughter knows that yes, things will change, but the love you two have for her will always be the same. The new baby is just one more person to love and be loved by.

unfortanatly i was to in that situation.my now ex did treat my daughter diffrent when our child was born.its a hard situation so i hope it works better for you then it did for me...

Have you ever just taken your daughter out just the two of you and asked her how she is feeling and why she is acting the way she is? At the age of 4 thay know how to tell you what they are bothered by. If she won't say, then first ask her yes or no questions untill she opens up. It seems to me that something happened between your daughter and fiancee that really upset her, yes or no questions is a good place to start. Now is also not a bad time to talk about good touch and bad touch to rule that out. I understand that may not be it at all, and by no means am I tring to afend you, but I come from personal experiance with this and it is best to rule it out. Also talking to her about upcoming baby and making her feel more apart of it might help some of the feelings about that. Have you also expressed your concern to your husband about your fear with the second baby coming. It might help for you to hear his support. I hope this helped alittle, and again I am sorry if I affended you. Good luck

I also have a 4 year old daughter soon to be 5 next month. I have been dating my boyfriend for three years now and she still has a problem with him at times. She has no contact with her real father so he is all she knows as dad. It was just me, her and her older sister for 1 1/2 years so when he came in she was very jealous. I try and make sure that they have time together, play around or just sit together. That seems to help alot. I also try and leave when I can so that she is use to being alone with him. We still have issues, they love each other tremendously but there is just that (she don't want to share me).

I would try to take your daughter aside and ask her how she's feeling. The fact that you are pregnant with another child and her soon to be step dad is the father may make her feel like she's not part of your new family. Include her as much as possible and make sure to make a big deal out of her becoming a big sister and how lucky she is. Reasure her that you love her and maybe your fiance could take her out for some one on one time so that she'll feel special to him.

I believe we create what we believe so if you have it in your mind that your fiance' won't be as interested in your daughter once "his" child comes along, you may very well create that situation unknowingly. Keep positive and try to help their relationship along so that it's strong enough to handle the new baby.

Good Luck!
A.

Hi Leanna-
At 4 years old she is old enough to talk about her feelings. I would ask why she is reacting the way she is. Sounds like there could be various reasons in your situation, and all are understandable. Sound like your daughter has been thru alot. I would suggest counciling, and to make alot of extra time for her.
I like the Daddy-daughter day idea as well.
Hope it all works out for you and congrats on the new baby as well- M.

I know how you feel! I just married the man of my dreams on 8/26 this year and my 4 year old daughter was the same way. In my case her real father (whom she doesn't know) isn't involved so my husband is all she knows. She has grown to love him and the same with him. My husband will be adopting my daughter with in a year and we are trying for baby number one. I am also a child of this type relationship. If you make your worries known to your fiancee and try to get your daughter to understand where he is coming from, your Fiancee will fall in line. It's easier for him to act the way you need him to at this time if he sees a reach from your daughter. I know she is only 4 but thats what i had to do. I am terrified my husband will favor his baby over my baby, like it was when i was little at my house, but he knows my concerns and fears and reassures me that they are all going to be our babies, not mine and his or mine and ours. Hopefully in all that you found something useful.

I am married now, and my soon to be 7 year old was just turned four when my husband and I were getting serious. We have had alot of problems with adjustment and worked on them to get to the point we are at now. I do feel that my husband is quite enamored with "our" baby and sometimes gives our older son the slight, but I also understand that babies are babies, they are beautiful and even in families where all the children have the same parents, you will find that babies are babied so dont let that stress you out too much. Just schedule time for your daughter and fiancee to be together just the two of them, to strengthen their relationship.
I do want you to speak with a profeesional though, about the way your daughter is acting because I dont know if thats normal. Talk to her about why she is acting this way and if she wont tell you, I strongly suggest couseling. Don't take chances with your children, no matter how happy you are.
Sometimes, I have found, you have to step aside, with alltears in ur eyes, and stop trying to protect your child from your fiancee. Sometimes we tend to overprotect them, thinking we are doing the right thing, and we just end up with our partner resenting the child, and the child fearing our partner because that is the message that we send them. Sometimes when she cries you have to leave her to deal with him, instead of always intervening as if he were a bad guy because otherwise that is how she is going to see him.
But you really need to find out what is going on that she is acting that way. It really concerns me. Once you rule out all things bad, go from there.

L.,

I'm a mother of ten...five girls and five boys...now 25 down to 4 (5 Dec. 1). I'm no psychologist; but I'm guessing your daughter doesn't totally understand why this new man is around and...may I ask? where is her father? does she see him regularly? Sometimes at this young of age it's just better to form your new family and if it's not required...don't confuse her by sending her to her biological father's like "every other weekend". It's so hard on little ones to do that...but sometimes necessary.

What types of things has your fiancee done besides "ask her to do things"? Does he set an example of doing things for her in light of this unusual and confusing time for her? He probably needs to slow down and win her love. Does he love her? she comes with you, you know. Divorce is so hard on little ones; but I'm glad to hear you are marrying in Feb.

I always like this example, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him, should not perish but have everlasting life." That's the type of love the man in a home needs to have for those he is going to lead...."giving love". What little girl could resist warmth, patience, love, enjoyableness????

Hope this helps...it works at our home!

B. in WI