Seeking Help Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-law

I think you should move on and if she wants to talk she will call you and dont leave her alone with the baby since she refuses to do things your way.If you leave the baby with her you may be fighting a UTI all the time

I could write an Erma Bombeck book about mother-in-laws. Let me share a story that worked.

When my daughter was born she wouldn't take a bottle. She was my third child. I quit a successful career to nurse my hungry baby. Those were some of the best days of my life.

My father bought a beautiful farm. He took my husband to the top of one of the hills with the most beautiful view you have ever seen in your life and told him that was where we needed to build a new house. My husband didn't know what to say to daddy. It put him in a bad position.

It was a generous offer of a beautiful piece of property and I was furious. To build a new house I would have had to leave my beautiful baby in daycare starving to death and go back to work full time. I went out to the farm and talked to my daddy. I told him I really appreciated the generous offer, but that next time I would appreciate it if he talked to me about it instead of my husband. I told him that we may live in a small home, but these are some of the best days of my life and I wouldn't trade them for nothing. Please don't give my husband any crazy ideas about building a new house because I am not ready to go back to work yet. Daddy could hear that from me, but he never would have understood if my husband had said, "No thank you. We don't want your property." Daddy might never have spoken to my husband again.

When I got home from daddy's farm, I said to my husband, "The next time your momma is out line like my daddy was, it is your place to set her straight. If I can deal with MY daddy, you can deal with YOUR momma" He finally understood why there were things he needed to handle with his mother.

The bottom line is that your husband's mother loves him. She tolerates you because she loves him. If you set her straight when she is out of line she will hate you forever. If your husband sets her straight she will get angry at him, but it won't last long. He is still her "baby boy" and she will love him no matter what he says or does. But you, are a different story. She will HATE you and be even uglier. Tell your husband that his momma didn't birth you, she is all his. Next time there is an issue tell your husband to put his big boy panties on and deal with HIS momma.

Are you asking what you can do to change your MIL? All you can do (for your own sanity) is to decide to change your own attitude towards this situation and quit expecting that MIL will be any different than she is. You cannot change what happened in the hospital - 15 months ago, either. Sounds like it was a very difficult time for you that did not go as you would have liked. It was hard and you were too tired for pictures. What can you do about it now? What would help for you to put it in the past and let it go?

All of the blame-game is not working for any of you. Do you want your child to have a relationship with her grandmother? If so, you can set limits with grandma about important things and let grandma know what you need from her and why. "If you change a diaper, please make sure to wipe her front to back because the doctor says that is better to prevent another UTI." I cannot imagine grandma not understand that request, but if you saw that she continued to wipe back to front, let her know that you do not want her to change any more diapers.

I think the relationships in your family are more important than who is in control, who is right or wrong, bad or good here. You are your child's mother and you might do things differently. Sometimes your way is important and sometimes it isn't. Is having your MIL always do it your way more important than your family relationships?

My mother-in-law was the EXACT same way. I know this sounds harsh, but we have basically just cut off all contact with her. Trust me, some of these MIL's never get any better. My daughter is 14 years old, and my MIL gave her a Curious George paperdoll book for Christmas. She sends me clothes in sizes 2X and 3X (I'm a size 4). She's insane. Seriously. Most of my husband's siblings have told her that she needs professional help, and she rarely is allowed to see any of her grandchildren because of her behavior. I hope things get better for you. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face, but it would probably exacerbate the problem. I would advise you to continue to limit contact. Let's face it: there are just some people in this world that we love to hate~unfortunately, we're related to a few of them! If you ever feel like complaining, feel free to contact me. :)

I know from experience how frustrating it is to have your MIL totally disregard your position as a mother and do things the way she wants to. Mine was the same way only times a million. It sounds like your MIL is very self-centered and it doesn't cross her mind that anyone may want to do somethng other than what she wants to do. Unfortunately there is probably not much you can do by yourself with someone like that. Only you know (and maybe your husband) how this needs to be handled. If it is too disruptive or if it is harmful to your child (like the UTI thing) then he needs to help you handle this by backing up that the two of you will not tolerate her disregarding your wishes as to how the child should be taken care of and then follow through with whatever conditions are given. You two will have to be a united front on those types of issues to make an impact. If it is not harmful or extremely disruptive then you will be happier if you can learn to let it go. Try to think of her as you would a small child. You can't expect a small child to always behave appropriately and she has shown she has about the same capacity. I'm not trying to put her down, some people just don't have what it takes to think of others the way society expects an adult to do. Most likely, you will have to let some of it go and take a stand on other things. My MIL called Child Protective Services on me about once a week for almost 2 years and each time they would come in, investigate and tell me what a good job I was doing. She also followed me around everywhere I went for months, literally. My husband never did stand up to her and she caused problems between us during the marriage, through the divorce and beyond. I actually had to get a restraining order on her! Now SHE was a bad MIL. While it doesn't make your situation any easier, keep in mind it could be worse, you could have my MIL!

Honey when you find a answer about your mother in law, please let me know. I am a mother of 2, a 2 year old daughter and a 5 year old son. My hell in law has 4 grandchildren. Three boys and one girl. You think my daughter being the only girl on that side of the family period would make a difference, but it doesn't. My son is the favorite out of all the grandchildren and even out of the great grandchildren. She is always telling me what I am doing wrong with my son and acts like things need to be done the way she does them. My son got and eye infection when he was a baby and she wanted me to rub a fresh pee diaper on it and swore it would make it better. She's crazy. My little girl gets ignored and she doesn't have much to do with her. She will buy my son something and never get her anything. I know how you feel and I'm sorry for you. Good Luck!

Oh, A., YUCK. How difficult. A couple of things come to mind.

Can you talk to your husband about what is bothering you? Don't forget to use "I" statements, not blaming her, but "I get very frustrated when I feel I have to..."

I have been through the "you call/visit; I'm not calling; it's all your fault" game. That is all it is. The real truth is, when a woman has a daughter, she has one for life, a son will marry and that his mama will play second fiddle to that woman -- a bitter pill for many to swallow. They view every thing the DIL does differently as an indictment on themselves.

That you 1. live far off and 2. have 3 sets of parents to placate is a card you can play in your favor. Let her call and visit ("Pediatrician says not to take long car trips in the cold, wet rain" -- blaming the doctor is always a good tactic. "Pediatrician said only I should change Baby")

Better yet, let your hubby be the one to call Mama. You're too busy for this nonsense.

I sound like I am advocating mind-games and game-playing... I'm not. From her behavior at your daughter's birth it sounds like she is very me-first and never grew up. From what you said about your UTI conversation, she won't accept responsibility for her actions, and frankness won't cut it with people like this.

So, avoid her if possible.

I agree with Sharon D - let your husband talk to her. He probably knows how to deal with her, since he grew up with her! Good luck.
ps - I have a MIL who lives on the same road I do, but has only been in my house about 5 times in 27 years!!! My children have very little contact with her, but I tried not to turn them against her as they were growing up and now that they are adults they do love her but "from a distance" - a distance that she herself created. Sometimes we just have to take people the way they are and make the best of it - especially inlaws!

I am not sure that I am understanding what the problem is, do you want her more involved in your life or in the child's life or does she just blame your for everything and you feel like she is calling you a bad mother? It sounds like she was afaid of the baby at first and afraid that she wouldn't know how to comfort her if she cried. She sounds proud but proud at a distance.
What exactly is the problem? I am sorry, I am not sure that I understand.

I have learned that some mil's care more about their daughters children than their son and dil's.My mil is that way,of course her daughters wouldnt have it any other way.Ha!She rarely comes around and never does nothing for my kids but does everything for her daughters and their kids.I don't really care but it has affected my oldest daughter who is almost 18,she knows the difference they show.Anyway,I hope you want let her bother you and keep telling her how you feel,she doesn't have to like it.Good Luck,Hon.

I had trouble telling if you want your mil to be more involved or if you want her to butt out. I doubt you're ever going to get her to change her ways though. She may tell you she'll do something differently, but I doubt she really would. People like this seem to get set in their ways. I guess if you want to attempt it though, you need to speak with her frankly. Tell her that you know she loves the baby, but you have to keep the baby's best interest in mind. If she doesn't want to do things the way the baby is used to then she can't keep her.

I was a bit unclear about if you want your mother-in-law to be more involved or less involved. It seems that she may have made some attempts, but you weren't satisfied so she gave up. You are both walking a fine line and just learning your new roles in each other's lives. If there is something specific you want, often it is best to have your husband talk to her because he has a lifetime of experience in dealing with her. I have found that some people (grandmothers in this case) are baby people while others are exteremly uncomfortable and insecure around babies - even if they raised children of their own. Often these people take on different roles as the child gets older. I have found that though my mom is good with babies, she is much happier to take the older children and do special things. She will hold and tend a baby when I need her to, but my MIL is the one who truly enjoys just sitting and holding a baby. Also, the best advice that I can give is to let people create their own way of interacting with your child without your judgement as long as what they are doing does not cause harm. Nobody will do it like you, but appreciate the others for what they can offer, or they will back out and not do anything. For example, if they change a diaper (obviously wiping the correct direction) and fasten the diaper a little differently than you would, relax and let them own their way of doing it. You will get more help and model being flexible to your child. If she got chewed out, I doubt that your MIL will touch another diaper. Handling delicate issues in a calm, teaching type manner will get you much further. For example, if you witness your MIL changing a diaper and see her wipe the wrong direction, calmly explain and say something like: "Oh, I used to wipe like that until my pediatrician explained that is how girls can get a UTI. Let me show you what he taught me." That is much easier to accept than being blamed for a child's UTI. That will preserve her dignity while protecting your daughter. Kiss up a little - your husband will really appreciate you for keeping the peace and you can gently train her to be the kind of grandmother you want her to be. She is probably pulling back because she is scared of either another blow up or disappointing you. Good Luck!

I totally understand that she gets on your nerves but if the examples you gave are the worst then you have got it pretty good. She may not be the best Grandma in the world by your standards but she isn't bugging you by calling everyday and she isn't trying to move in with you and I don't think you have to worry about her wanting to babysit anytime soon. Everyone does things different. I have had a hard time adjusting to my mother's way of doing things.(she is disabled and now lives with me and my two children)
I have learned that unless it is harmful(like the wiping issue) just let it alone. Choose your battles and when she irritates you....avoid her for a while.

Hi A.,
How does your husband feel about this issue? You need to talk to your husband about your feelings. He needs to be the one to talk to his mom about the issue. If your mother in law calls all the time, don't pick up the phone...let her leave a message. It's a good thing ya'll she doesn't live close by.

Hi A. D,
Well,it does sound like you have a problem on your hands. Sounds like you MIL is a ole biddy. Thats being nice.. Ok anyway done with insults. I would discuss this with your husband first. Tell him that it bothers you that she expects everything to be one sided.That you did not appreciate her blaming you for the UTI and that if she cant or wont accept and do the things the way that you do them with your daughter then she does not need to do them at all. Meaning the changing of the bottom, feeding,loving on her, and so on. I would let HIM deal with her first, coz its his mother. If you have a "Open Door" policy let her know that. Meaning that she is always welcome to come for a visit or call you. That you shouldnt have to invite her. Thats how my house is. Open door.. lol.. Good luck!
Jen

A.,
Having a difficult MIL can be very stressful. Here is something that I have learned over the years. Communicate, let her know how you feel. You may be surprised and she doesn't know. 2)she is a grandmother, They give babies back to be changed its their perogitive they raised their kids their job is to love and hug and yes take pics. 3) Don't compare MIL with your mom she'll always come up lacking because lets face it MOM is our Mom and their is noone else like her. 4) Don't complain to hubby because refer to the above. 5) Finally, She is your MIL she is not going away and she is old enough that she is not going to change much. Learn to love her the way she is and accept her. This doesn't mean to not communicate but when you do think of all the above. I too have a difficult MIL well she is a step MIL. I wish someone would have told me these thing a long time ago. I have been married for almost 15 years now and have only figured this out in the last 3 years. So for 12 years I struggled with hard feelings when all I had to do was accept that she has her own personality and that she does love her grandkids. Hope this helps
T.

I completely understand where you are coming from with your MIL. Mine can be difficult as well when our little one was new born she would tell us that we have to heat his bottle or we have to do this and so I would go do the research and come back and say this is what the experts say so this is what I will do. So now when she tells me how to raise him I say that is nice and I will consider it and continue doing things my way because I look at her daughter and youngest son and say I don't want my kids acting like that. But right now I don't call them unless something is going on with my son then I call and tell them and let them get back to what they are doing. They don't bother calling me either and my hubby doesn't call them because he is limited on phone time in the desert.

A. Iam not a Mom but I believe that the best action on your part is NO ACTION. Let your Husband handle his Mother. That will be best.

Two things off the top of my head: one, I do understand your annoyance, because both my mom and MIL can really tick me off with their advice. However, one way to head some of this off is to ASK their advice. It is easy to discount their advice as "old fashioned" or "wrong" or whatever, but the truth is, they were moms once and went thru the same issues, and two, they are STILL moms and want to feel needed and loved. Find something (maybe a lesser issue) to ask them about and they will feel needed and will possibly stop bugging you in other areas.

Two, we are all going to be in the same boat someday and so I've already started making myself a list of things I will or won't do when I am a MIL (or mom) later in life. I found that I had a whole slew of things to add during life-changing events such as when I got married and had kids:) Those seem to be the times that bring out all the advice from our moms and MILs!! Hang in there.

Our MIL's need to join a TERRIBLE MIL CLUB! Mine was SOOO EXCITED to finally get the grand daughter that she always wanted. (she had three boys) BUT, when she arrived she would have nothing to do with her because she "isn't good with babies"! In the mean time she practically raised my husbands nephew. She watched him all the time, buys all his clothes, and takes him everywhere with her. Now that she is older she says "I would have bought her this or that but I didn't know her size"!!! Why didn't she call. Now that she has watched her I HATE IT because she just plops her in front of the TV and won't cook her a meal, she just feeds her snacks and junk till I get home. She even attacks me personally about my weight and how I raise my daughter. For example her and my Sis in Law told all the family before Christmas that I was starving myself to loose weight. So at the holiday parties everyone made comments about my weight and tried to SHOVE food down my throat. They pick on me when I fix my plate in front of them and say "is that all you're going to eat???" They are both really heavy. I'm NOT starving myself I'm just FINALLY loosing the baby weight three years later!!
So my advice to you is have a talk with her about what bothers you, but remember that she is who she is. Try not to rock the boat TOO much cause you are going to live with her FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!! In social situations everyone says " OHH your daughter is probably so spoiled by her grandma!!!" and "I bet you hardly ever get to see your daughter because her grandmother probably won't let her out of her sight!!!" I say Oh yes she is just wonderful!!! My daughter is so lucky! I'm not exactly lying, her grandmother is WONDERFUL, her maternal one!!
In all accttuality she probably dosen't think your are as good as she was to her children, your husband. But know that isn't true and hopefully your mother is a WONDERFUL Grandma to your child! Hey one out of two isn't bad!!
PS: I would leave your husband out of it. When I talk to him about it and he says something to her she responds with "I wish she wouldn't talk behind my BACK! She should just come to me if she has a problem" It always comes back on me. So good luck! And God Bless!

I have a semi-similar problem. My in laws were all about the new grandson when I had our first baby, but then when they got mad at us would disappear for a few months without even a word. Then, we had our second son, who is now 7 months old. I think they have seen him maybe 4-5 times, only ONE of those was them coming here to see him. They don't call, they don't check on him. They have a new baby girl and the only time THEY called to invite us over was when she was born so as they could show her off. It's ridiculous. Mostly, I just keep the peace when I have to deal with them, but otherwise do things my way and remain cordial, but stand offish. There is no sense in stressing over it. If people want to be difficult, then don't let them make it difficult for you. Just make it so she is only make things harder on herself. And as far as the guilt trip goes, just tell her that you will not feel guilty. You get out there when you can and if she misses her granddaughter so much, she'd make a trip. Otherwise, you're tired of hearing about it. I know it seems harsh, but they have to know you will stand your ground or nothing will ever change for either of you. Just step up to the plate. Good luck!

A., you certainly have a problem but here's a response from a mother-in-law or monster-in-law as we are often called. I have no biological grandchildren but two that have adopted me as Nonni. I experienced problems with my mother-in-law when my daughter, her only grandchild, was little. She just didn't have time-always something to clean or hair to shampoo, lol. She's gone now and her son and I are divorced. She passed away about two years ago and I went to her funeral. Finally she didnt have to make excuses and I was at peace that I had done everything I could to include her in my daughter's life. Here's the secret: make YOUR family your priority. Accomadate her as much as possible but don't leave your child with her. DON'T put your husband in the middle. Then try to remember she's from a different generation and her job is to make you feel guilty LOL! In short, take the high road, your children will discover for themselves who has their best interest at heart and it will be a blessing for you both with your husband and children if you don't speak ill of her in front of them. Hard, I know, but sometimes it's just not worth the worry and energy, let it go. P,S. Mine work black to my wedding!!!

I am a mother of three grown children, the biggest problem i hve experienced is the granmother dsnt have respect for the new mother, this is you and your husbands baby, u make the rules,,and they must go by those rules..as far as im concerned..if grandmother had respect for u and your husband, she wld go along with your rules, that is just the bottom line..

sounds like you are a very good mom. From experience, I wasted a lot of time and thought trying to please my MIL. Wasn't worth it. Now my children are grown and she is not a part of their lives at all. Just lives 30 minutes away but still doesn't come to see them. Trust me, you have enough to think about being a mom and wife. Dont let her bother you. Do things your way... you are the mom. If she loves her son and granddaughter, she will appreciate you trying to be a good mom.

My MIL is the greatest but when we first had our daughter (now 8), my MIL watched her from 2-4months and would hold her all the time and not do things the way I asked her to do them and if we didn't call or come over she would get upset. I finally talked to my DH and he said it was our child and if I didn't like the way she was doing things or acting then I needed to say something to her (this is a man who worships his mother!) b/c this wasn't her child she was ours. So, I talked to her, told her the things I didn't like and that as far as calling and coming to see her went, the road goes right by her house, just like it does ours and the phone calls out as well as receives and then the little things she wasn't doing the way I wanted them done, well she was kinda upset about it at first but when she realized we were BOTH serious about the issues then she did what we wanted. I would talk to her and tell her your concerns and that if she can't do what you ask she will only be able to see the baby when you or your husband are there and if she wants to see the baby then to call and see when you are going to be home for her to come and see you. Anyway, hope something in this helps!

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