Seeking Help/advice

Hi M., just remember you are the mom and don't have to be cool. At her age she will reject most of your rules, but she is 14 not 18. There is a huge growth between that time. She can also see that you're unsure of where to draw the line and she needs that security of knowing where her boundaries are.

I would also look at why you're angry all the time. If it is because you feel you don't have control over what is important to you, then I would remember there are consequences if she breaks your rules. You are not being unfair or un-cool, you are being a mom. Remind her you are on her side.

I hope this helps.
L.

Mom's aren't supposed to be cool! Be a mom all the time and she will respect you for it. The next couple of years will be difficult, but if you both communicate with each other your relationship will grow stronger and when she is an adult you can be her friend.

I know what you're talking about. I think it's common but it doesn't have to be that way. Don't let anyone tell you it's "normal." Your bond with her at this age is imperative for her health, safety and success. She's telling you she wants to be close with you, but is afraid. I'm going to keep it short and sweet and refer you to an awesome parenting book: http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training/dp/04...

edit: I believe the "anger" is really anxiety and fear on your part: that you have to "perform" as the controlling mom, but have an instinct that knows the approach is the wrong one. Only saying this because: Been there, done that and learned a better way waaay late.

Best to you,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

Dear M.,
I notice someone referred you to the book Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon. READ IT! It will show you a simple method for making sure your daughter feels heard and a simple method for working out conflicts with her. It's an amazing book with two easy and extremely effective tools.

Also, work on yourself first. You need to clear your own anger. Our children are just the best at showing us where our work is. I never knew how much anger I was capable of until I had children! Notice what your internal and external dialogues are and deal with the contents. Are you trying to control what you can't control? Are you expecting your daughter to take care of your needs? Do you believe it's her job to make you feel calm and happy? For me, the best way to work with my thoughts and clear beliefs that don't serve me is The Work of Byron Katie. See www.thework.com. There are many others ways to face your anger and work on letting go of controlling what isn't yours to control. The twelve steps, a good therapist, bodywork and movement,connecting to nature, reading and journaling--but do whatever it takes to honestly witness and address what comes up for you. Then you're modeling to your daughter how to be with your own inner conflicts and external behaviors that don't serve you, and you're also getting yourself into better and better spaces to be with her calmly and lovingly and find the humorous and connected moments.

One thing I always keep in mind with my daughter (16) is that there are natural cycles of connection and disconnection. (I learned this from the book Playful Parenting.) Especially in the teens, your daughter will create plenty of disconnections. Don't take them seriously or cast them in stone or resent her for them. Move on and open to the connection moments. You won't even see them if you're focused on the hard stuff. There are always new moments to connect. Make it more your job to find and enjoy (enjoy! for you!) those moments than to correct what isn't working.

I hear that you really care about your daughter's well-being. Find how to communicate that to her, and maybe before that to give yourself much more of a sense of well-being. You deserve it too. And it will be hard to help your daughter be well and happy when you aren't. Be sweet to yourself. love, Jaya

Hi M.,

I don't have any teenagers yet, but I remember being one & here's what my parents did well:
1.They were always the authority figures. We often got along & went bowling & to the movies together, but I never considered them my "friends", and I always knew I was to treat them with respect or I would be grounded.
2. If I felt they were being unfair about certain rules, they would encourage me to write them a letter about how I was feeling and what I wanted changed and why. They would then discuss the letter together & get back to me on what they decided. This often worked in my favor because I was able to clearly state my opinions without getting emotional, and they would often either see my point or compromise with me.

I hope that helps a little,
C. : )

Hi M.. I don't know anything about your situation, but I did want to offer this: I was a "horrible" teenager - sneaking out in the middle of the night, taking the car without permission, drinking, etc. I did it because my dad was so controlling and wouldn't let me do anything. I felt like a prisoner and I had no social life. So, I did sneaky things in order to have a social life. Your daughter is probably "typical" so you're definitely not alone. My daughter is now 16 and we've encouraged her to keep her grades, participate in a sport and stay active in church. So, far, she's been so busy with these things and is happy with these activities in her life that she hasn't participated (to our knowledge) in any of the scary teen stuff. We let her be independent and take responsibility for herself and so far, we've been blessed. Your daughter has already broken your trust and proved she is irresponsible, so it's a bit different for you - but maybe you can try to get her involved in healthy social situations - like church or volunteer organizations - that will give her more self worth and encourage her in the right direction. God Bless!

Hi M.,

Whoooee! Congratulations -- you have a normal teenager: sit back and enjoy the ride, it will be a wild one! 14 in girls is raging hormones and wild mood swings. It's also a time when kids are going through a process called "individuating." They're trying on different personas, trying to figure out who they are. They know they're not adults but they're trying to step into that role. Plus, they deal with incredible peer pressure at school from their peers and aspire to be the REALLY supercool seniors. They get bombarded with adult images in the media, but don't understand how to control the feelings these elicit.

All in all, it's a pretty scary time and the stress has to come out somewhere. Unfortunately, it's coming out at you, which is a really tough thing to deal with, especially when you're a single mom and you don't have another adult in the house to give you a break. So, you need to deal with her behavior and find a way to take care of yourself, in the meantime.

So, 1: you're the adult. You're the mom. You set the rules, but pick your battles. Do you want to fight the slutty clothes or cleaning up her room? Do you want to stand firm on the curfew or her bed time? Hearing "no" to everything will just make your daughter feel like she has to push more and more.

2. Courtesy and respect is vital. Even if she doesn't show it to you, you need to model it for her. Stay calm, don't snap, but let her know that you need her help too to hold things together. Is she supposed to do the dishes? Remind her that if you have to pick up the slack, it will leave less time to do something that she would like to do because of the impact on your time. OK, so how do you stay calm? Here' a trick I learned from a therapist years ago. Imagine that when your daughter is angry and saying hateful things, that the words coming out of her mouth are little balls of poo. Now, you don't have to stand there and let them hit you in the face. Imagine instead that they are passing over your shoulder, into a toilet where you can flush them away. Take a breath, tell yourself that this stage will pass (OK, it might take 10 years!), and tell her that you love her, and that's why you're setting limits to make sure that she stays safe so that she can grow up to be an adult you will both be proud of.

3. Find a way to do something on your own to decompress. Talk to a friend, write to this site, go to a movie, take a walk, whatever.

4. Find every opportunity to praise your daughter when she behaves appropriately and tell her how happy you are that she's your daughter.

5. Look for little reachable moments. They can come in the most unbelievable ways. A couple of weeks ago, my 14 year old was snarling about having to do the dishes and left them over night. As hard as it was to do, I did too -- I was exhausted. I slept in the next day (it was Sunday) and she got up early, cleaned up the kitchen AND made breakfast for everyone. So, when she asked me for help cleaning her bathroom, I told her I couldn't refuse because of how wonderful she'd been that morning, and that I would help her before I went onto my own hundred things to do. Well, we had a GREAT talk while we were cleaning together. We talked about school, her friends, her frustrations with some of her teachers, her frustrations with me and her dad, and so on.

Of course, it goes up and down. Some days are good, others are awful. One thing I learned from going through this with my older son, was that they DO grow up, and so do you. (He was a nightmare! The worst year was when he was 16 and I was single parenting while my hubby was studying overseas for the year. I was seriously considering sending him off to military school!) Eventually, the relationship changes and life gets easier, even if it's because they move out. Ultimately, you have to realize that they will grow up and become legal adults at 18. It's up to you to keep the relationship sane so that you can reach them and teach them not only until they're 18, but so that they're willing to listen to your advice (not nagging) when they're on they're own.

So, strap on the seatbelt, pull down the overhead bar and get ready to hit the emergency brake once in a while. You'll get through it, and so will your daughter!

Flowers to you my dear!

R.

This sounds like a "TRUST" issue more than anything now. Trust isn't just given it's earned. Maybe over time she can earn your trust back little by little and you can start to extend the leash. My sister was like her the more you control the more she rebelled. Thanks to her I didn't get to do anything and I was the good one, LOL. Needless to say I moved out at 18 with a yr of high school left. Looking back stupid move but the control from my parents just pushed me out the door and her to act out! She needs to earn your trust if your going to allow her to do anything. Start with her doing, chores, good grades no D's etc and her attitude. Then maybe a friend over and go from there. 14 is still young. I know what I did to keep up with my older siblings so peer pressure is hard believe me!! Monitor but give "some" space too. Good luck