Seeking Help - Charleston,WV

I agree with many of Dawn's ideas.
-What's different about school this year than last year?
-What's his teacher like?
-Work with a therapist you trust and he likes.
-Play it down ... he has his place to spend days just like every other member of the family has their respective places.
-Maybe a friend or neighbor could be driving him to school with some other neighbor kids.
-Sticker charts - one day at a time at first, then bigger stickers/rewards for successful whole weeks!
-At the end of the day (dinner, bedtime prayers), each of the members of your family should recount events of the day to each other. Make sure that his are regarded as very special because they are unique and new to your household.
-You're in a really tough situation. This type of thing wrenches everything out of us as moms. Good luck.

Hi M.,

I am sorry you are going through this with your son. I have the same problem with my 7 year old daughter, however, it is not as bad as your problem. I cannot take my daughter to school or even visit her in school because then she cries. She doesn't want to go to school in the morning but her dad takes her to the bus. I talked to her teachers every year and we just had to bring her and leave immediately. The teachers at our school are wonderful and I got lucky with my daughter. She started in this school late in kindergarten due to the fact that we were moving. All the kids in her class helped her through those first few days. All of them gathered around her, hugged her and took her to play, even the boys! It is still that way now that she is in 2nd grade. I suggest you have a talk with her teacher and the guidance counselor at your school if one is available. Have them give you suggestions on how to deal with this.

Good luck and I hope it works out soon for you and your son.

E.

I used to be a Nanny for a family with two children when school started the poor little girl developed severe anxiety (she was also 7) to the point she started getting headaches and even vomiting. It was horrible to watch. I remember her mom calling me in the fall to come over and stay with her because she wouldn't go and started throwing up again. After a couple of long painful weeks Shannon started going to school fine on her own. Being a person who has suffered in the past with severe anxiety and panic attacks I know for a fact mdication only masks your symptoms and turns you into a zombie. Learning the skills to cope with your anxiety is far more effective then meds. After two years of medication I took myself off that stuff. I suffered from severe withdrawels that were far worse then the anxiety. Maybe dealing with anxiety head on as a child will make him a stronger adult. Anti-anxiety drugs are evil as far as I am concerned. I wish I would have sought alternative therapy before I turned to meds. The withdrawel took a year out of my life.

I wanted to add that during the height of my panic and anxiety I could barely go into my job without feeling like I was going to pass out. I just kept going and eventually it stopped. Avoidance is a bad thing because it allows you to believe your feelings are justified. This whole thing just came crashing down on me. I have no idea what caused it. I was always a together person. I am so sorry your little boy is going through this no young child should ever have to feel like that!!! Give him lots and lots of hugs, love and understanding. I sure needed it when I had my unfortunate encounter with mental illness. I went to a psychologist that taught me how to breath when I would feel the anxiety come on and it felt good to know I wasn't crazy or alone. Good luck to you.

Be firm with him. He knows that you'll be there when he gets home from school. Can you put him on a school bus?? That might help. Also, this may sound cruel but if he gets teased about it a little he might realize that he isn't acting like a big boy and stop. If you can't put him on a bus, take him to his class, hand him off to the teacher, tell him you'll see him later and walk off. Part of why he's doin this is seperation anxiety and part of it is him making you feel guilty. And it's working. Put him in extracurricular activities with other kids his age and soon he'll forget mom is around. Just remember to stay firm with what ever your doing.

Is homeschooling an option for your family? I've suffered from anxiety my entire life, and I promise that forcing him to go and letting him suffer will not cure it. (It doesn't sound like you'd want to do that anyway...) The medication just masks the problem rather than teaching him coping skills. If you take time to help him through his fears, I'm sure he will be alright. Maybe right now he needs to be with you. That's not to say you're letting him run away from school and avoid it, but it takes time to learn to cope. If you homeschool him this year he can keep going to see someone to talk to about his fears. Maybe he can go to activities like boy scouts or 4H where he can be away from you for short periods of time and learn that everything is still fine, and he will have a chance to figure out how to deal with his fears in a healthy way rather than just masking them with medication or leaving him to panic in school. Once he learns how to deal with his anxiety then he will probably be fine to be away from you all day during school, but right now something has upset him and he clearly needs a little TLC to move past it!

M., I have read through ALL of the responses and they are ALL helpful, the thing is which is most helpful to you and your family.
One can only assume that you have some type of "FAITH" if you are not Christian, there is no issues, as most faiths still have a common ground. Now that is out of the way.

I would consider Homeschooling. I am a homeschooler but before I go any further, I am a 'seasoned' mom I have an almost 20 yr old who went to public and private school and I also have a 5 yr who will be 6 in December. She is an accelerated learner.

Since you are a SAHM and work part time. I don't know what state you are in and laws do vary but nothing major but HS is not hard. Honestly, I would look into it. If you want to talk more about this, there are a lot of FREE sites and you can homeschool on a shoestring. :)
You can feel free to contact me via PM. You can also check into the HSLDA.org.

I would wait, for various reasons M., you could continue to send your child and he could get more serious with his feelings and develop a severe phobia.

If you homeschool you can give him everything and then some if you consider Homeschooling you will see him flourish not only academically but just as importantly emotionally. Children that are homeschooled "TODAY" They are not the unsocialized children of yesterday... or so that people thought they were unsocialized. There are various activities for him to be involved in to help him be without you, for example scouts, sports of various kinds, chess... etc.

You just have to be confident and believe in yourself.
You can do it. I will help if you chose to look more into this.
There are many support groups and message boards for you if you have any questions.

This is not meant to offend anyone only give you an different view and opportunity that might be a possibility for you and your family.

M., remember no matter what YOU have to do what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

I had the similar thing going on with my daughter since she was 1.5yr until she was 4yr.She would cry at the drop off time! Her preschool teacher suggested that I should just drop her off and be out of the class instantly. She also told me few mins after I left, she would be a normal kid, so it was just the seperation anxiety.

In addition to what others have suggested, I would also suggest you to arrange playdates with other kids in the class and bus route. Its always best to avoid "one best friend" method, because what if that child moves away or doesn't want to play with your child.

Also, you can start volunteering/ or eat lunch with him in the school as a reward.

The best thing that worked with my child(she was 4yr then) was a quick drop off. Use the carpool lane and don't walk the child in the school. Or best is to let the child take the bus.

Good luck, I know its pretty hard as a mom to see the child so upset in the mornings! I know I have gone thru this for years!

I have read all the responses thus far and find Lori's the least helpful, though not a bad idea for the big picture. Faith is an extremely personal thing, imho. What I take extreme exception to is assuming that M. and family are Christians. They certainly could be -- most people are. But not ALL people are and I truly feel that assuming such is quite presumptuous on her part. In order to live in this big bad world, we must look outside our own environments and learn and understand our neighbors' environments.

That being said, having five kids and five grandsons ages 22 years to 1 year, each child is different even within families. Mom and Dad know what's best for the child, but do Mom and Dad see that maybe their fears carry over to their child? Some family counseling might help. I can remember walking with my first child along a sidewalk and every time we came to a place where there was a three-inch difference in height between one slab and the next, I know I held her little hand much tighter. To this day, she is extremely cautious (which is not a bad thing) but carries it to an extreme. She's 41 now! When I was a small child, without the help of my parents, I would run along the sidewalk and stop at every crack so I could carefully step over it!!

Good luck!

A very similar situation happened to a friend of mine, though her son was a little older (3rd or 4th grade). They worked with an excellent therapist, who traced it all back to an asthma attack the boy had where he couldn't breathe and thought he was going to die b/c he couldn't get a breath. Apparently several weeks later that came out as fear of leaving his parents, but they didn't connect it until it came out in therapy. It was a long process to get him to go back to class by himself, including one of his parents or grandparents sitting outside the school room for less and less time each day until he was OK with them not being there. He is fine now and doing great.

I might not be much help, but it sounds as if you (and maybe your husband, too) are the same kind of tender-hearts as your son, and the fact that HIS anxiety is makine YOU (both?) anxious is probably a bit unsettling to HIM.

EVERYONE has to be away from their secure environment sometimes (unless they are so emotionally unstable as to either become recluses or be institutionalized, I mean).

I'd suggest that the more 'matter-of-fact' you can be with him (without being 'aloof' or harsh), the better. It's simply necessary that Mom/Dad go to work and kids go to school -- even when they don't want to. Everyone just has to make the best of it. A straightforward explanation of this might help (where taking him to counsellors, wringing your hands, fretting about it, etc. may only exacerbate the stress level (for everyone). Do you see what I mean? I'm NOT the 'tender-heart' type, so I just steamroll over everyone, but my whole family (3 siblings, husband, 4 kids) all are, and I think my 'practicality' is a good stabablizing force in (at least some of) their lives. 'It takes all kinds of people to make a world (and I'm sure glad I'm not one of them)! LOL

M., I absolutely abhor bribery as a means to get children to perform a desired task. It inspires the wrong standard for appropriate conduct (or anything else) and they learn to expect a reward for behaving correctly. I also dislike medications as a 'first line of defense' for problems in children. Although there are times when medication is, absolutely, the best and most appropriate treatment, I would hesitate to jump to that avenue too quickly.

Did your son have issues with going to school last year? Is he at the same school this year? With the same group of classmates? Other than the teacher, is there anything else in the school environment that may have changed? There are so many possibilities of what might have triggered the current reaction in your son. (When my daughter was in first grade, we were driving her dad to work before taking her and her older brother to school one snowy winter morning. We witnessed a multi-car accident on the way. Soon thereafter, she began crying every morning on the way to school. We were concerned that something was wrong at school and she was quick to confirm that diagnosis. At school, however, they were worried that she was coming to school in tears every morning. When they asked her what was wrong, she told them, "Mommy wouldn't give me any breakfast this morning," or, "I was cold and Mommy wouldn't let me bring my sweater." There was always something different until the school decided she was being mistreated and we got an early morning visit from CPS (while I was trying to get out to a college class of my own!))

Then, again, is it possible that there is a new kid in class who bullies your son? Or has the teacher isolated him as her scapegoat. (Don't discount this idea even if the teacher, "seems so nice". Often teachers can seem the perfect ally in raising your child but, when the parents are gone, turn into Nurse Ratchett or the Wicked Witch of the West. It is also not uncommon for teachers to consciously or sub-consciously target one particular child in a class room for punishment or favoritism.)

The point is, there may be no obvious rationale for your son's behavior and it may be years before he can tell you about it. Sometimes, though, you just have to sort of roll with it. Talk to him about what is bothering him. He may tell you, but probably not. Offer suggestions as to what is at the root of his resistance. Regardless of whether or not he tells you what is bothering him, reassure him that you are there for him whenever he has a problem or if he just wants to talk, cuddle, or play. Remind him that, if he has any problems, you will always be there to help him and support him, and defend him.

If you son did not suffer from separation anxiety when he entered first grade, it is unlikely (though not unheard of) that he would suffer the fear now. But regardless of the source of his anxiety, just keep reminding him that you are available if and when he wants to talk about it. Also, don't be too quick to put your son on anxiety meds but, if the therapist determines that would be the best treatment, be sure to get all the information: What exactly will it do? Will it effect his classwork? How long will he have to take it? If you don't like the answers (especially if the doctor indicates your son would be on anxiety medication long-term or lifetime) consider a second opinion.

Good luck.

I have a friend whose daughter went through this (although as a teenager). She couldn't be separated for very long or she would start having anxiety attacks. That may be a little extreme for your little boy, but she was diagnosed with OCD. Not the germaphobic, but always anxious that something was going to happen to members of her family. With medication (and a few years) she was able to deal with it and grow out of it. Just something to look into. Good Luck!

Your profile says that he is just starting the 2nd grade, so I assume he did not have this problem in the 1st grade.

Then my guess is that something happened to him either at school or away from you that caused him to be afraid, or he has a problem with the new teacher. Either way, something he seems to be afraid to tell you about. It's a lot "safer" (for him) to say he's afraid something will happen to you. Much more likely he's afraid something will happen to HIM, and that's probably based on something that already did happen to him. I'd focus on trying to draw that out of him. Sometimes kids think they will get in trouble if they tell you what happened to them - they somehow think it's their fault - and that's exasperated if they actually were doing something they weren't supposed to be doing at the time. Somehow you need to help him feel secure enough to tell you what happened and he needs to know he will not be shamed. Also, maybe you could sit in on his class for part of the day and get a feel for the new teacher in his life. The problem might be him/her (especially if the teacher uses intimidation and/or shame to control the class).

If it turns out to not be any of those things, then maybe home-schooling him is the answer (at least for a little while). Some kids just aren't ready for school at that age, and do much better if they start in the third grade or later.

I hope this is helpful and I will pray for you. God bless.

First of all, may I say that I think you are very lucky to have such a sweet little soul for a son.

It seems to me that you need to try really hard to get to the root of this fear he has that 'something will happen to you while he is away'. As Laura B. mentioned, a recent exposure to death or illness -- whether real or in a movie/TV -- could instill a very real fear in a child that age. (I remember being an eight year old and seeing my father's cigatarette pack warning of "Smoking causes death", and I flipped my lid; a calm mature child turned to a bawling, raving worrywart for the entire summer.) Are you sick? Recently been in a car accident? Any dangerous situation?

Even if none of these are the case for you, they ARE real for your son. Take time to listen to him and DON'T dismiss what he is saying to you; he needs to be heard and his fear addressed in a respectful but reassuring way. It sounds like you are taking him to a therapist, so that is a terrific step!

I applaud you for being so diligent in your effort to help and comfort your son. He is a lucky little guy!

have you ask the teacher if you can bring him in and stay with him for maybe 30min to hour till he is setteled in then youcan seek out that is what i did when my started kinder garden , after aweek he was fine by himself i just walk him to his room after that for about a month .

Hi, M.. Problems with children are sooooo stressful, and it is very difficult to understand the situation from their perspective. Remember that you know your child better than anyone so listen to your gut feelings when trying to figure out how to cope and to help your child cope. Since he is in 2nd grade, did you have separation problems previously? Maybe something is going on at school that he is not able to explain to you. What makes him so concerned that something will happen to you while he is at school? Did something happen last year that makes him worry now or does he know someone who had a problem like that at school?

This may seem a bit extreme, but perhaps (if the school allows it and you can afford the cost) you could provide him with a pager of some sort that could allow him to feel connected to you and his father. That way he could know that if something unexpected came up, mom or dad would be able to let him know what was going on. Of course, it would only be for emergencies so you might never use it, but it may ease some of his anxiety.

J. C.

I have two adult sons and an adult step-daughter and three granddaughters. My younger son is autistic, which has presented many unique situations. Just remember to trust your instincts, you are more qualified than anyone to know your child and his needs. Finding the true source of his anxiety might not be an easy task.

Hi M.
I don't know if this is the age but at a certain point kinds start to have the idea of death.....at first a dead thing is something that does not move, then they associate it to the elderly and then they understand that it can happen to anyone.....I remeber having it and I used to cry thinking that my mom could have died ....maybe your son is going through something like this...it generally goes away but you should try to talk to him about it .....
L.

i feel for you. this is just an idea but most little kids love riding the bus it makes them feel like a big kid. is there anyway you could let him ride the bus??? if not just keep assuring him that he and you will both be fine and that you miss him when hes at school too but you know hes learning so much! tell him that when he gets home each day you want to learn something that he learned. (kind of play dumb) you would be surprized how excited kids get when they are the teacher!

I can't wait to see your responses! I'm having similiar trouble with my 5year old. She just started K. She has been in a Montessori environment for 21/2 yrs and now cries to goto school. She i normally a social butterfly but now wants to stay home. It is a battle every AM.

Maybe it isn't necessarily leaving you that is causing the anxiety. Maybe there is a situation that you're not aware of. Is he happy with his teacher and classmates? If the situation continues would you be able to switch him to a different class or school? When I was 6, I went through alot of anxiety and would get sick at my stomache when my mom left me at school. She ended up homeschooling me for a year and I loved it. We were really active in social events and I went to outside classes once a week. I believe some children may just not be ready at that age to be separated.
Giving him medication is not the answer in my opinion. That may cause even more problems. Consider what the side effects of those drugs are. I'm sure that most doctors will be happy to prescribe that, but they are not usually concerned with how it affects your child.
I was on anxiety medication for a short time in college. It made me so dizzy that I could hardly stand up at times. I stopped it, and once the biggest sources of stress were removed from my life, I no longer had anxiety problems.

Dear M.,
Your son's fears are legitimate, only exagerated. Something could happen while you are apart, but having an obsessive fear about it is truly unhealthy. In situations like this, I would teach him to trust the Lord to take care of you both while you are apart. As in the prayer of Mizpah: Genesis 31:49 "And Mizpah; for he said, The LORD watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another. " Teaching your son to rely on the Lord to keep watch over you both will settle a world of fears. This takes, and will encourage, the building his of faith in God the Father. When he begins to realize that God is everywhere and capable of all things, as well as learning that God cares, your son will become "strong in the Lord". He can pray, asking for the Lord to help him in his times of need, or times of fear, and he can know that God will be there helping him and the ones he is praying for.
The faith of a small child can move mountains!
I'm not talking about teaching him to stand praying aloud and making a big scene in public places. I'm suggesting taking time to pray with your son each morning before you leave out. No matter which parent takes him to school, he will be assured that both are safe. Take time to attend Sunday services too. This will help him to see that others share the same faith and that he is not the ony one who prays this way. It only takes a second to pray, but the results from trusting the Lord last a lifetime.
Don't give up after one or two days, or even after a week. Keep praying together. You will see a difference.
Be sure that in the evenings, at least once, you point out the fact that your prayers have been answered. God had protected you all and that you are safely together again.
Who knows, your son may come to know Jesus as his own Savior through all of this. That's an eternal change!
God Bless!
L. C.
happily married (21 yrs -today), mother of 4. One is getting married the 27th of this month.... please pray for me too!! One of mine is taking flight! :)