At Wits End with 11 Year Old Tantrum Throwing Son

My son did that. I kept waiting it out, dragging him to school. He did some amazing things.Then back to problems. AND then later, much too later he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.After a couple of hospitalizations he takes medication, takes HIMSELF to college, has a job, a part in a wonderful play and is for the most part peaceful. He still doesn't do a lot of social stuff.So... If you can get some other opinions you might do well. My son is now doing well. And if I knew this earlier I might have had a few better years.If you want to hear more we can write.

Perhaps an outpatient program isn't the right option for him. It's great that he's keeping up with his academics at home, but maybe an inpatient treatment program is the right thing for him, if he is refusing help. At 11, you don't get to make those choices. Is he on medications? I'm not usually a big fan of that but if that's what his anxiety level is like, to the point that he won't even willingly go for treatment or to school, I would think that he needs it. This isn't a minor case of anxiety. Throwing a fit when you ask him to do something he doesn't want to isn't social anxiety, it's a behavioral issue.
Good luck.

It sounds like he needs a pediatric impatient facility. Children's Hospital up here in Seattle has one, so I would think that your regional children's Hospital would as well.

That, or home care. (One of my psych profs did that for awhile... Treating in her clients homes, whose disorders precluded them from coming to her office for treatment UNTIL they could be treated well enough to actually GET them to her office OR disorders that were home specific, like PPD induced OCD. Severe anxiety disorders were a common 'cant treat unless they can be treated well enough to come', as well as agoraphobia, etc.

My 10yo is ADHD, and over 5' & 100lbs. Meltdowns are common with ADHD, so I get what you're saying when you say it's physically impossible to move him from point A to point B unless he cooperates. We had a single day of school refusal with PARTIAL cooperation that took 4 hours last year. Every day, all day would be absolutely insupportable.

You need help.

Either 24/7 until he can start cooperating (I almost said 'choose' but with neuro conditions that's like saying 'choose' not to give birth while in active labor... You can't stop your body when it takes over... And the base functions of the brain are just like giving birth, throwing up, breathing, peeing... One can't just 'decide' or 'choose' not to. It has to be physically possible before a choice can be made), OR someone coming to your home to work with him & his inability to leave it.

NOTE: I have no idea on your stance on meds... BUT... Meds are often required to deal with the base brain levels IN ORDER to treat / begin to make something a choice. Meds rarely work on their own, it's a 2 step process of being physically capable AND ALSO learning how to do a thing consciously. You may already be trying different medications, but if not, it's something to keep in mind.

Do you see how troubling it looks, to those of us outside, that you are turning to strangers on an Internet board, rather than doing what doctors have told you is appropriate?

You are hoping against hope that you can find a magic bullet from a stranger who has never even met your son, when doctors are already telling you your child needs more advanced professional help.

Please, please see the doctor again and -- as others on here suggest -- talk about inpatient (hospitalized) treatment to jump-start your son's treatment. You do not mention whether he is on medications but I assume not since you say he "flips out" at the mention of treatment and I figure that means he would "flip out" and refuse to take pills. He needs inpatient treatment to start him on medications and get them into his system to the point he is controllable and WILL continue to take them after that.

It is clear you are afraid of your own child. His size and the fact you let him dictate his own treatment (which is, none) mean that you fear him. Has he ever hit you as he lashes out? Has he come close? I fear for you that the answer to at least one of those questions is yes. He is going to hurt someone else or himself. If it's someone else-- you may be dealing with Child Protective Services or the police, if you don't soon deal with doctors seriously.

Your fear means you are letting him run the whole show. Even if he has to be forced into it, he needs treatment. Now.

And if you do not get a break you, yourself, will break down.

Please get him help. Just because he is doing his schoolwork -- that does not mean he's well.

I'm so sorry, S., I believe the other posters are right. You will need to get him hospitalized. Something is very wrong with an 11 year old who flips out and hysterically cries over the things you detail.

He will be worse than this as an older teen and you guys could end up on the news. Get him into an inpatient program so that they can put him on proper meds. What Sheila says makes very good sense.

Dawn

I'm so sorry but I don't think we are qualified to give advice. Contact professionals who will counsel you. NAMI will provide you with free professional counseling and hook you up with other families in similar circumstances.

DEAR "AT WITS END" Now that you've heard from many people...What will you do to get your son some help and keep others out of danger?

Physically Impossible? Size of most HS freshmen?

If he hasn't already done so, your child is going to hurt someone. (Most likely you or your daughter).

He needs to be hospitalized for a medical evaluation and perhaps a longer stay in a mental institution. If you are unable to sadate him, so either you and dad can get him to the hospital, you will need further intervention from the authorities.

His academics may not be suffering, but he and the rest of your family surely are. You and dad need to step up and take immediate action.

Blessings....

Depression and anxiety are all parts of Mental illness.
Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of dealing with.

If your son had Cancer, would you take him to the hospital to get him help? If he could not move, would you call a doctor to come and check on him?
This is what needs to happen with your son.

He will not be cured by staying home with you. He will not grow out of this.

He needs treatment. If his staying home is not contributing to him getting better, it is time to go to the next level.

Are you, yourself in therapy? Are you being guided by a professional? Get a Psychiatrist to come to your home and work with him, with you and with the family.

Your son has some serious special needs. He deserves the best care. And you deserve to be trained in how to help him.

Mom, I cannot imagine how hard it would be to spend 24 hours 7 days a week with a child this age. YOU need time to yourself. Your son needs to learn to deal with others. He needs to be a part of this world. Gosh forbid something were to happen to you, what would happen to your son?

i am sending you strength. In the morning, call for help.

http://kern.networkofcare.org/mh/services/subcategory.asp...

http://kern.networkofcare.org/mh/services/agency.aspx?pid...

I'm sorry you are going through this and would seriously talk to his doctor about an in-patient program for awhile. You cannot control him and he is not getting the treatment he needs. He will only get bigger and may possibly hurt someone, do what is best for HIM. {HUGS}

He is not throwing tantrums. It sounds more like he is scared to death. Something happened to him to make him afraid of school and social interactions. If you can not find a psychrist who will do home visits I agree he needs to be institutionalized. I'm afraid this will become full blown agoraphobia if he doesn't get help now.

3 yr olds have tantrums and he should be way past this at 11.
He isn't going to get any easier to handle as he gets older.
He's going to get big and strong enough to do you some serious damage during his meltdowns if he's still doing this at 16 or 21.
Please have him evaluated.

Sounds like he needs an intervention with therapy. If you know this happened after you moved and with these drastic behaviors, I am surprised you haven't already had him evaluated. We can't help you until you get help for him.

Good luck!!

I agree that you need to be involved with professionals who can help you handle your son. I suggest that if he's not on medication he needs to be or if he is he may need a different one. Medication will reduce the anxiety so that he will have fewer meltdowns. I know this from experience with my grandson.

I had difficulties with my daughter who refused to go to counseling sessions. With the help of her counselor I found a way to get her there. What does his doctor suggest? I suggest that having meltdowns this serious is not the result only of social anxiety. The way you treat him and react to his meltdowns is also involved. It is possible to learn different ways of working with him to reduce the meltdowns. His doctor can help you with this and could refer you to other professionals who will also help.

What do you do when he begins a meltdown? I suspect you give in and let him have or not have whatever he wants as you did with treatment. He has learned that he can get what he wants by having a meltdown. It will be hard but you need to not ever give in when he tantrums. If he won't get in the car then he goes to his room until he's able to come out and say he's sorry. Yes, he's big. He's now got you scared. You need professional help in learning how to let go of your fear and how to enforce the rules and consequences for breaking the rules. You're right. He's too big and too old to manhandle him into submission.

When my daughter wouldn't go to a counseling session, I went and talked about what was happening and how I could manage my feelings as well as her behavior. My daughter did not like the idea that I was talking about her truthfully with someone else. She would then go the next time to tell the truth from her viewpoint. Find what works for him. In the meantime you go and get help.

He needs some serious in patient therapy now. Not in six months or nine months but now before we are reading about you. Whennkids like him throw a so called tantrum, they become super human with strengths that we cannot handle. Please getnhimmhelp soon. It is more than school refusal and social anxiety.

My daughter had anxiety in high school that were uncontrollable and had her disrupt classes and got detentions... I worked with her teachers and aide to find the sources of her anxiety, and using social stories, reasoning, role play, positive reinforcement, etc, to modify her behavior but to no avail. Each episode would last days/ weeks as she kept on looping and just could not let go...

After 2 years of using non-medical treatment, not lessening any anxiety level or frequency, nor developing any coping skills, I accepted the help of medication this summer. We saw a psychiatrist who discussed with me the psychological/ physiological cause of anxiety and the use of medication which I have always resisted as a primary means of treatment.

The psychiatrist explained the use of Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) medication: when we receive any outside stimuli, our nerves will fire with chemical reactions, the medicine will prevent a big reaction in our nerves... We started her with the minimum dosage and checked her side effects which were minimal. Within a month's time, we see her being more reasonable... She behaves at least 50% calmer which makes us calmer and easier to communicate with her. She still has anxieties but each episode lasts only for minutes now! Her being more in control makes her feel proud and makes us all feel happier. We are still adjusting medication and dosage to maximize and balance benefits with minimal side effects.

I recommend seeing a good psychiatrist for some help and advice; and asking lots of questions!

I can't imagine how stressful this is for you-I have a son that age and would be heartbroken to see this behavior. Hopefully he is in the care of a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist for this. This is the person to discuss this with because my first impulse would be to tell you that you should send him to his room for the night whenever he does this as a way to stop the behavior-enough boring hours in his room are the incentive NOT to tantrum. however this may not be the answer for your son because his mental health issues could be causing these tantrums so therefore are not really in his control.