Seeking Advice Regarding My Son's Fear of Death

Death is a very normal part of life. It is greatly feared as children are afraid of being alone (or lost). This is normal for the age, from much of what I have encountered and my friends have had happen.

However, I follow a different faith and belief: I feel that we are not gone... I feel that my grandmother that has passed is still there, watching over me and protecting me by helping me see things so I do not get hurt (such as in traffic or walking and avoiding falls.) I find that this theory has helped my friends children. When my son begins more talk of death (he is only mentioned it as "I died!" joking and in play), I will also tell him the same.

I think if I were to tell him we will always be here, and if by some unfortunate mistake out of my control, it would shatter him? Even for a child of almost four, my son has a memory that just amazes me~ I think I would say something like "Mommy and Daddy will always be with you - even if we are not with you in person, because we are in your heart. We love you so very much nothing could break our bond! You may not hear us, but you will know it is us." But as this has not happened yet, my speech is obviously not up to par! :)

I think if your little one is in a stage of worry, you could always allow him to contact loved ones via computer (email/ webcam) or cell phones (obviously when it is convenient!). And just keep on loving your child as this will always overcome most things! ;)

Kids this age imagine and obsess about things, have fears and nightmares. He'll grow out of it as you reassure him and he gets older. Your Christian faith has the answers he needs to absorb. There are some wonderful books in Christian bookstores. I'd look for one about death Heaven and read it with him whenever you can. You might even make an appointment with your pastor or another Christian leader whom he might be willing to believe, and let him hear it from someone he thinks will know for sure.

Hi J.
My daughter went through this just before turning 5. I talked about the natural cycle of all life. How heaven is our first home, and that when we die we go back to our first home. We also say the family member that goes on the be our guardian angle. We put there pictures in star frames on the Christmas tree. We haven't lost anyone she's so very connected to yet.
We talk about our family seasonally (dead or alive), GG Wilda loved raspberries and would make wonderful jams, Nana loves the spring robins, and winter cardinals, GG Hauke has friut trees and makes wonderful cherry pies, caned pears, and jams. My plan is that this holds an image of the person in joy in our hearts. Reaffirming the natural cycle, and makes it ok that we all will pass. I'm in a way preparing for my grandmothers time maybe a few years from now, and our parents after that.
Good luck to you, A. H

I have gone through something similar enough to what you are going through with your son, that I thought I should respond.

Next time your son thinks about dieing and becomes upset, instead respond to him only in a way that will focus his attention on the differences between his parents and his Grandfather. Such as the fact that Grandpa was old; that it was hard for Grandpa to even walk, etc. And then point out that being old is not the same as you (his parents). Keep his attention focused on the differences between his parents and his Grandfather each time he becomes upset. Keep repeating what you said originally and he should begin to "repeat it" for himself after awhile, until it is no longer an issue for him.
Sincerely,
C.

Hi J.,

As hard as this is for you, it is a very normal part of growing up. Your little one lost someone important to him, and now it's being brought back up because of a friend's comments. Being a Christian, you might want to say a prayer together. Let your son ask God for whatever he needs. Then reassure him that God always answers prayers and that God loves him and cares for him even MORE than Mommy and Daddy. We use to say, "I love you up to the rainbows." I'd also say, "and God loves you even past that." Which just seemed impossible, because the rainbow was so high to them. Maybe reassuring your son that he won't be gone forever, as his friend says might help. Use the words that feel most comfortable for you. Warmly, S.

My son is in the phase right now too. His biggest fear is not being with me. I just explained to him that it is a possibility that I could die and go to Heaven (I didn't want to tell him that I wouldn't die because I could.) I tell him that no matter what, even if he couldn't see me, I would always be right there watching over him. That a mother never leaves her babies alone, even if they can't be seen. Then he plays a little game about where I would be. Would you sit right here and he points to his shoulder, or heart or wherever? It really seems to help. I also reassure him that someone would be over to help and take care of him so he wouldn't have to worry about being alone. I tell him how many people love him and that he would always be taken care of.

Good luck. I hate having to talk about that with my kids because it really is my biggest fear.

C.

You could have your pastor talk to him, with you and your husband.
Also, Billy Graham's ...daughter inlaw? wife? years ago did a children's book about heaven. You could check out Barnes/Noble or Borders for that. If I recall, it was very nicely done and in a way kids could relate to.

But J., I was 4 when my grandpa died too. And I remember sitting there in that funeral home, gramps surrounded by flowers, mournful music playing. I remember crying. And I barely knew him. My uncle tugged on my braid from behind me to make me feel better. All that I remember. And somehow I understood I wasn't going to see grandpa again.

It's a tender age between understanding and not. In an old Cary Grant movie, "Houseboat", there's a portion where he's explaining death to his one son. There's a pitcher of water which is like people: we have a shell (the pitcher) filled with life substance (water). He then poured the water into the river and explained that the water's still there, it simply joined a larger amount but seeing the river, you can always "see" the departed. Very nice way of putting it, actually.

I would encourage you to let him talk very openly about his fears or his feelings. I think it is natural for children to be curious and scared of the unknown. Continue to remind him that you and your husband are there for him and just love the heck out of him while this phase passes.

I am by no means an expert and if you truly are concerned you might consider talking with a family counseler that specializes in children your sons age.

What we have talked about when my boys went through this , at about the same age,We discussed when you die you get to fly out of your body and go to Heaven and meet Jesus. Eventually all of us will die and we will all be together again in heaven. we discussed getting to meet God but really emphasized being reunited with our lost pets and family members when we get there. We also talked about how God gives us all jobs to do that we need to complete while on earth so there is no hurry to get to heaven.

We also talked about graves how people are no longer really there.

I think in my case my kids were scared of not being with me so this helped.

you said you are christian and have talked about god to him but do you go to a church where there are other people to help him? my 5 year old just had a friend pass he was only 6 years old and in her sunday school she asks them to pray for him . anyyways awanas is a great program my daughter loves it and is another place to learn about god, i would try that.

It is VERY age appropriate behavior and something I wouldn't get too concerned about. 4-5 year olds tend to be "into" death and interested in what happens, etc.

I would emphasize Heaven and how Jesus loves us and is always with us. He's with grandpa in Heaven and He's here with us still too. One preschool appropriate book on Heaven might help. You want to acknowledge the fear and concern but if you keep talking about it at length, it will just keep his mind focused on it.

I agree with the other posters on the importance of praying w/ your little guy and also talking a lot about Jesus' love.

I would personally steer away from over emphasizing that you aren't going anywhere but rather that you don't plan on it and use that to spring board (again) that Jesus is always with you.. I have two friends who are extremely young widows who told their kids the same thing and their young kids had a hard time because now they really questioned why their parent said he wouldn't leave and then he did. I don't think you or your hubby are going to die anytime in the near future but the reality is that the only one who truly knows that is Jesus. That's why it's so vital to help kids always know that Jesus loves them and is with them NO MATTER WHAT!

Didn't mean to sound morbid or depressing. Anyhow, it is very age appropriate and I'll be praying that God gives you peace during this difficut time and wisdom on how to comfort your little guy

When my son went through a similar stage I explained the plan. Kids are naturally self centered. They want to know that they will be taken care of should something happen to his primary adults. I told him that he might stay with his grandparents for a little while but then he would go live with his aunt uncle and cousins. His concern was that he could not drive him and his brother to their house. So, I reassured him that someone would come take care of him and his brother should anything happen. Hope that help. Sometimes the idea of the abstract is to much for young children. Putting things in the hands of God that they see is a scary idea.

We have been dealing with this issue with our 7 year old for about two years now. His great grandmother died September 2006, then I had a miscarriage in December 2006 (they knew about the baby) and his dad got sick suddenly in February of 2007 and is still sick, so he worries about dying and death a lot. He is always afraid he is going to die or daddy is going to die. We are also Christians and he has accepted Jesus into his heart, so that helps. We reassure him that it's natural to be scared about things we don't understand, but that Jesus is a loving God and wouldn't allow anything scary to be in Heaven and because he asked Jesus into his heart, he will be going to Heaven. We reassure his fears while at the same time try to put them to rest. When he asks me if he is going to die tonight (a question we hear frequently), we go through the list, "Are you sick? Do you eat healthy? Do you rest? Do you exercise your body? Then you are okay. You are doing everything you can to take care of yourself so that you don't die." My husband will sometimes just say, "Nope. You will be just fine." and that sometimes satisfies too. We were told that questioning and fearing and wondering about death is VERY common in this age group (5-7) and that's it natural for kids to have fears about it. We also had our son memorize a Scripture about not worrying (we memorized it with him) and how God gets sad when we worry instead of talking to Him about our fears. Another thing we did that was helpful was buy him a prayer box keychain. You can get them at any Christian bookstore. When he worries about things (death, etc.) he prays to Jesus and "puts the worry" into his prayer box and then he doesn't have to worry about it anymore because Jesus is taking care of it. If he keeps worrying, we gently remind him that Jesus is taking care of it now and he doesn't have to worry anymore. It's a very tangible thing for him to do to start to grap how Jesus wants to take our worries and concerns. Most of all, we encourage him to talk to Jesus any time he is scared and ask Jesus to give him peace. That's easier said than done, I know, which is why we do the other tangible things as well. Lots of reassurance works well. The more neutral you can be when talking with him about it the better, I have found. If he feels confidence in you, then he will in turn begin to feel confident. The questions about death ebb and flow - when he is particularly stressed out or scared about something, they will start again for several days in a row, and then when he is more relaxed, he asks less often or not at all. The more reassuring we are, the better he is. Hang in there - I bet you are doing great!

I think this is very normal at this age, especially with what went on in your family last year. We have been going through the same thing, our daughter is also 4 and my Dad passed away last year after a long battle with Heart Disease. We have explained to her that while we do not plan on dying anytime soon that death does happen to everyone. I reminded her how old I was when Papa passed away (and how old he was), and that is usually how it happens. Then I took a little time to explain the plan if something did happen to both my husband, that we had it all worked out and she would go and live with her favorite Aunt Sue. This seemed to help a lot, she still talks about death on probably a bi-weekly basis (for a few months now) but mostly how she will miss us or that Papa is still in her heart. I spoke to her a young woman at her day care recently and she said all the kids this age ask questions about it on a regular basis. Which made me feel better, since in general we read up a lot on the subject to help prepare her. Try finding "helping children grieve" at your local library. It helped her and me personally come to grips with my Dad's death.

Hope this helps.

Our story is about the same. My son is turning 5 here shortly and in the last few weeks every day we talk about it. He cries and says he missing our family that is with God. We have had 3 grandparents pass away in the last year and a half.
I took him to the Christian Bookstore and we looked for books. We found two and we picked, Will I live forever. Very good book.
Good Luck.

As Christians why don't you see if there is a good kids book
on the subject at your church library or a Christian bookstore.
Some kind of a story that deals with the topic in a lighter or
happy way. You want to address his fears but not dwell on the
matter. Another idea if you haven't already done so is to pray
with your son that Jesus would take away his fears and will be
with him always no matter what happens. You can model this by
pointing out ways that Jesus takes care of you and your family.
Hope this is helpful.

My 4 almost 5yr old girl is going through this right now also. I approached it from a couple different angles and it seems to be working. 1. I told her I'm not going anywhere and that isn't something she needs to worry about.2.We talked about what really happens to a person when they die: their soul goes to Heaven and they live in the Kingdom of God forever where NO ONE is ever sad!!! We talked about what her interpretation of Heaven is. She described clouds, angels, her uncles dog that died (that started the fear), and horses for her to ride whenever she wanted. With my girl it seemed to hit her the most at night when she was lying in bed thinking. So I told her that when she starts thinking about people dying that she needs to ask Jesus to come and hold her and help her to think nicer thoughts.

It's amazing the bond children have with Jesus and He is the best source that we have in comforting our children. They want to know everything will be okay, that they will not be sad- so what better way than to have Jesus hold them? That's just what worked for us! Good Luck.