Seeking Advice on My Soon-to-be New Addition

My daughter stepped right into the big sister role- helped get diapers etc. for the baby. The hardest part for her was the first few weeks when my mom came to help... she felt like she was getting grandma and dad and the new baby got mom... and who was this new baby anyway that she could take her mom... I think I would be more careful next time to let grandma have the new baby more so that I could read her stories etc. Congratulations and good luck.

I have just gone thru this. My daughter was 15 months when my son was born. We began just telling her that she is having a baby brother, and kept on talking to her about her brother and his name, and that she is going to share her toys and be a big sister. Whether they understand or not, I don't know, but I like to think that she did. We also tried to make her as independent as possible before her brother got here. You know, going to bed by herself, trying to feed herself, etc. Also, my daughter went thru the big clingy stage with me, I made her spend time with my husband, since he is the one that she would be spending more time with him when my son was here. It has been 6 weeks and she is doing great. She kisses, and tries to give him her toothbrush, gives him her sippy cup, and really tries to take care of him. Oh, and when the baby was born, we gave her a toy from our son.

T.:
You have a lot of great advice. I like what Michelle F. said though. I would do my best to let the baby cry sometimes and spend time with your firstborn. And to let others take the baby, husband, grandparents, etc. I think including her in everything is great too. I like what the other mom said about having your daughter by you when you feed the baby. I did that too. However, I think I often ran too much to the baby, forgetting that my other one was still a baby too. They were 15 mos. apart. So, there will be challenging times, but just do your best to have alone time with your first so she feels special still.

That fact that you are asking this question is great, and shows how much you care. However, do not revolve everything around any of your children. Make sure to have time with you and your husband, and alone time. Don't lose yourself in raising your kids. This leads to resentment. Having your own time, and dates with your husband will make you a much better mother.

Have a great delivery. Take care,
K.

I am in a hurry but the one thing that I want to mention is to put a picture of big sis in the bassinett where the newborn sister will be. This I got from the Today show. It helps the older sister feel like she belongs big time and that it is really all about the sisters. This helps with not feeling left out and a great way for the older one to bond. Good luck. When my 3 kids fight I tell them I would die for a sibling because I am an only child. Tell her how lucky she is to have a sister to share in life with and that someday they will be all they got for each other. Good luck!

When my second child came, in addition to keeping my oldest close by when I nursed, I asked my oldest everything. "Do you think he is hungry? Should we change his diaper? Can grandma (or whomever was visiting) hold him now?" She really enjoyed making decisions (nodding her head "yes") as she has always wanted to be in control, even as a young child. She loved being praised for being such a helpful big sister. She also never napped so we spent a lot of time together when he napped. Boy, were those exhausting days, but I would do them all over again!

Hi T.,

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby.

Your daughter is going through a very normal stage of separtion anxiety which may or may not seem even more so because you are pregnant right now. Children are very in tune with their own emotions and emotions of thier parents/caregivers. I agree that she probably doesn't fully comprehend that she will have a baby sister soon. It's quite a concept for a young one to grasp...that mommy has a baby in her tummy and the baby will be born and I will forever be a big sister!
As far as her seperation anxiety, all you can really do is just go with the flow. As a mom of 4, I've heared my share of screams of terror because I was leaving thier view:) So...what is a mom to do? Let her go with you everywhere you go (when able). Hug and kiss her alot. Children need lots of reassuring that mamma and daddy will be coming back, even if it's just from the next room:) You don't need to make a fuss over it, or get stressed about it. Just simply let her come with you, or give her a kiss and a smile with a "mommy will be just over here. I'll be right back. It's ok honey." Then just go. When my kids were not happy with me leaving, sometimes I would play peek a boo with them on my way out, by hiding around a corner then popping out saying, "here I am!", and with every "hide", I'd get further away. It was a little fun way of showing them that mommy leaving doesn't have to be so scary, and I'm really not gone forever. Paying some extra attention to thier needs doesn't make a "spoiled" child, it actually helps them feel more secure. This stage will pass.
As far as her welcoming new baby, puppets work great with children. You can do a little play about a big girl and her new baby. Keep it simple and fun. Talk about babies...all sorts of babies....puppies, ducklings, kitty's. Read picture books about babies or animal babies. You can't really be in control of whether she is jealous of baby sister or not. Little ones aren't quite sure how to handle their strong emotions. So when baby does enter the world, you can let her be there for the birth (children handle birth very well, plus what a wonderful way to begin that beautiful sibling relationship). Let her help out with the baby. She can bring baby diapers or rub babies tummy and sing baby gentle songs, pat and rub her back to burp her after a feeding. Encourage her ability to feel independent and fostering that special relationship with her baby sister. Along with encouraging independence, she is still very young and will need you quite a bit still. Make some time...even if it's just for 20 minutes a day to just be with her, without baby. Let daddy or grandparents or family and friends to spend some alone time with her out of the house sometimes as well. It will help her understand that mommy needs time with the baby. If she is having her own fun time away from you it will make this mommy/baby alone time easier to transition into. Mostly, go with the flow and try to find that balance of taking care of 2 young children, your husband, and yourself...even if you need to call on your village.
Another thought, if your daughter feels secure and loved, I don't think "jealousy" will be too much of an issue.

Much good energy to you and may the journey of the labor and birth of your daughter be wonderous and joyful.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

My sister and I are much farther apart in age than your kids will be, but my mom held off the sibling rivalry by keeping me really involved in everything. I was even in the room during delivery. She let me hold the baby when I would ask to and had me get diapers or bottles, etc. Anything to make me feel like I was just as important as mommy. She also made sure to spend time with just me. Once she was done nursing and had more freedom to go out without the baby she would take me to dinner or a movie. Your kids will be close to a year and a half apart when your next baby comes, and even though your daughter probably doesn't understand tons right now, she'll grow a lot and have an amazing understanding of things around her by the time you deliver. When I worked in childcare I was amazed by what the 1.5 year olds could do! Good luck!

My children were 19 months apart and the way I prepared my son was by buying a life-like doll. We carried the baby around with us everywhere we went and acted as if it was real. We put it in the babies carseat, he would help me strap it in and go get blankets, etc. I would even pretend to breastfeed it, so he understood that is what we would be doing. I felt funny sometimes, but when the baby arrived he was smitten. He loved her, helped with her and brought me things that I asked him to. When I would breastfeed my daughter I would allow my son to sit with me on the couch. We would sing, read books or I would let him watch a little tv-even though we had forbid tv up until that point. He really eased into the whole sibling thing very well and we were very impressed. Jealousy really didn't seem to rear its head until recently. They are now three and five. Best wishes!

First off, congratulations on the two beautiful girls! I have two boys, 26 months apart, and I had the same concerns as you. I did the doll thing, and showed him how I will be giving the baby a bath, and changing diapers, and putting him in the bouncy seat, so that when the baby was doing all of these things it would be somewhat familiar, and it also gave me a good idea of what he could help with. One piece of advice that was very valuable to me was to put the older child first. If the baby needs to be fed or changed, make sure your older is set up with something. Would she like something to eat, something to drink, to watch a movie, color? Think about it this way. The baby is not going to remember if it took you an extra couple minutes to tend to the older one before meeting her needs, but the older one might remember mommy "always" putting the baby first, and may start to feel some resentment, either for you or the baby. Whatever you find works best for your family, I wish you the best of luck!

Congrats! My daughter was a litle older when her brother was born (She's 2 1/2 and he is 4 mo.) but she did much better than I expected with her brother was born. I did several things to try and prepare my daughter for th new arrival. I always talked about the baby in my belly, although I was never sure if she understood. We did a 3D/4D ultrasound. I was hoping she would see the baby and assosiate that with my tummy but I'm not sure she understood that either. I found a big sister book and I read it to her all the time. She seems to love it when I put her and the baby's names in the book. I gave her a baby with a bottle and crib and I have her help me with the baby. She throws away the diapers. She has been throwing things away since she was about 1 1/2 so its something your daughter could possibly do. Sometimes when the baby cries, she tries to put his bottle or binky in his mouth. There is still some jealousy. Neither of them like it when the other is getting more attention. I always try to talk to my daughter or put her on my other leg if I can when I have the baby and that seems to help. She once told the baby "my daddy!" I think the most challenging thing I have faced has been balancing the needs of my young children but it is getting much better. She loves to sit next to me when I'm feeding the baby and I never try to stop her. Good luck!

Once the baby comes have a handy supply of books nearby so that when you are feeding the baby or if the baby is sleeping while you are holding her you can be reading to your other daughter. My girls are 2 years apart, so it was a little easier for the older one to understand. But, having the books around right by the couch came in handy.

My mom gave this great advice - nurse your baby in a double wide rocking chair or sofa or whatever. Nursing time is reading/cuddling/talking time with your older one. That way when baby cries/is hungry, she doesnt feel like the baby is taking you away or you are hiding away with the baby, but "oh goody - mom & me time."
At the very least, this helps ensure you give equal time/attention to both although it can (and should) never be exactly the same, since each of their needs are different. But to them, it feels equal.

When people come and ooh and ahh over the baby, hopefully they will ooh and ahh on big sister (although I think she is still young enough to not really be seriously affected by baby getting all the new presents... It is something I think about when I meet someone's new baby that has an older sibling. Your daughter might actually not like all the attn from acquaintances and strangers.)

And speaking of her "mommy phase" you are absolutely right that is what it is. I remember one thing I learned in my language development class about children(typically between 12-16 months if I remember right) being very intensely attached to mom to the point of being *right in mom's face* This is a crucial phase in their development and awareness and understanding of language, speech, talking, and all that. So, nursing and reading with your daughter is a great way to meet both of their needs without ignoring one or the other.

One other comment/suggestion (sorry so long) I remember learning that when you say (for example at the pool) "DONT RUN" children dont hear the first word, they hear "..RUN" so instead of saying dont hit, dont this, dont that, say "walk" "touch softly" "talk quietly" whatever it is you want them to do.
Children also hear and understand much better when you are talking calmly instead of shouting or angrily speaking.

Have fun!

All you really can do is, involve your daughter when possible to help with the baby so she doesn't feel left out. Her personality is going to determine how she feels and reacts to those feelings but siblings are born everyday and it will all work out fine.

Your daughter has a healthy strong bond with you (the "mommy phase" you describe...every child should be so blessed).
The suggestions of the previous moms sound really good..esp modeling with the doll.
They say we learn about half of what we know by about age 2, so your daughter may be grasping a lot more of what you have been telling her then you think. At least, she is aware that a change is going to happen. From all recent research, it appears we have greatly underestimated infants and young children. With some preparation and patience on you and your husband's part, it sounds like chances are good that things will work out.
I think having your daughter feel she is important (a help...not a hindrance (rejection) is one of the best preventatives of problems. Kids like to know they have a positive role in the family...or class, or community.