Seeking Advice on How to Deal with a Not So Easy Mother in Law

Hi. I just finished a book called "The mother in law dance" by Annie Chapman. I reccomend this to any and all in law relationships.
S.

I'm sorry that you are having such a terrible time with them. I can't relate because my MIL is actually pretty great. She raised 3 boys pretty much on her own and then married a man with a son shortly after we got married. So, that makde me the only other woman in the family for a while and she was SO excited to have me around. My FIL drives me crazy sometimes but she's great. I think as time goes on she enjoys me more and more because two of my BIL are now also married and their wives run everything around their own families. We don't even get to have a single holiday on the holiday because of my SIL's. I get along with them but it's just how it is. You can't change people so you just have to learn to do your own thing. Like my MIL said last year. "Well, Thanksgiving dinner will be on my table at noon on Thanksgiving and whoever wants to come is welcome". You just have to do that because otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and not enjoy yourself at all. If I were you I'd call my MIL and say "so what's the plan for Christmas?" Let her tell you what her plan is and then either be happy with it (if you are), plan around it or make other plans. After a time of not having you around maybe she'll learn to be nicer about it. As far as the pictures, hey, let her go broke if she wants, you don't have to buy any. Either that or just buy one little pic of all the kids if that's what you want.
Most of all you need to do what makes you, DH and your kids happy because when you look back at your holidays with your kids you want fond memories not a bunch of crappy memories. Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to spend time with them.
Best of luck,
J.

In my family we had to set up rules for them to follow. There is one person in our family that doesn't get to see the kids without us around.

Just as a side note just because someone is the way there are...(aka: just humor her) and just because they are a parent or family member, doesn't mean they are healthy be be around. There is a book called Toxic Parents I would recommend reading with your husband.

One thing you could do since your MIL doesn't folow the rules you have is don't let her have your kids unsupervised. You should not have to re-train your kids because you took time for yourself...what is the use of taking time for yourself if you have to work twice as hard once they get back? I just had to do this last weekend, my kids both came back cranky and I ended up missing work because one of them was sick (they took him for several walks outside and I didn't send his hat or gloves with...last weekend was cold).

The one thing is if you have your husbands full support when it comes to things like this.

To me it is all a matter of control...saying they are flexible but not actually being flexible. When something doesn't go their way, all ____@____.com breaks loose. Sweet as sugar when things do go the way they want it to.

Maybe instead of fighting to appease her, you could just start your own family traditions for the holidays.

My IL's all want the holiday on the day...FIL and MIL are split up so in the past we have gone from one house to the other, leaving my parents to a completely different weekend. This year, we are going to be making some people very angry (my MIL usually cries when she doesn't get her way)...we aren't going anywhere on christmas eve and only going to one house christmas day...

sometimes when it is like pulling teeth with these people, you just need to take a step back and do what is healthy for you. And not worry what they think or want.

Dear A.,

I really feel the advice that Nicole offered and I would like to put in my two cents worth! There is nothing like the bond between mother and son but this lady has taken it too far. It is very fusturating and without your husbands support, the situation will never improve. I would be curious of your husband if he may have vented to his mother on occassion about personal issues between the two of you, but I doubt if he would ever admit it, or he may not have even realized that he was doing any harm because he has always been able to talk to his mom about every thing else before. Caution him on that, but dont accuse. He didnt speak to her for eight months, believe me, she blames YOU! In any event, you are a part of the family wether she likes it or not and you deserve to be treated with respect. I would stop trying to accomodate her all together until she comes to you and aplogizes, (even if it is a cheezy apology and dont hold your breath for one either) but most importantly I would suggest stop trying to accomodate her until she acknowledges that you have three small children to take care of and you are the one who should benefit by being accomodated for, for that fact alone. Announce this year that next year you and your husband and children will be starting a new tradition for the holiday, staying at home to enjoy it with your kids where you can be comfortable. Invite relatives from both sides of the family in an "open house" that holiday. I always hated lugging my kids from place to place when they were little and I regret that I didnt do what I just advised you to do. When she complains that your not being accomodating by spending the holiday comfortably at home with your kids, your husband can tell her to "Just humor her, Mom, we have three little kids!" Insist that no matter what happens, your husband should never just stop speaking to his family, even if it is his choice, she will always blame you. I really feel for you. My boyfriend and I moved in together about 8 months ago after almost five years of dating eachother exclusivly. It seemed like overnight I became a "no good for nothing, goldigging moocher" as far as his family is concerned.( his mom and three kids ages 27,24 & 22) Just cant do anything good enough, you know? On Christmas Eve I always join him to go to his mothers where the family is gathered and sit quietly with my fake smile, being polite to everyone whom basicly, pretty much ignore me. I told my boyfriend that this year I wanted to take seperate vehicles because I feel uncomfortable, bored and ignored there and I really dont care to fake my enthusiasm one more year, but I would still come and only stay for a little while. I'm a better person then that...I was raised better than that. I'm not going to subject myself to being treated uncomfortably and I will also not subject myself to lowering my standards by not showing respect to my boyfriend by not attending. A few days later my boyfriend came to me and hugged me and and informed me that we will be spending our first Christmas living together in our new home and that I dont have to go with him to his familys gatehering at all. He wants to attend he says, stay for about 30 minutes, hand everyone their cash gifts, tell them "Here is the money that I know that you all enjoy getting for Christmas, and now I am going to go home to be with my girl who didnt come today because none of you like her anyway. Merry Christmas." I am greatful for his thoughtfulness for my feelings but I dont agree with his tactics, however; I am just going to stay at home while he goes and does what he feels he has to do because I deserve to be comfortable and enjoy the holiday too. So if nothing else, have your husband bring the kids to see his parents for an hour or so and return home to finish celebrating with you. You will get a little time to yourself while their away at his parents, you will be asserting yourself by avoiding being mistreated by his mom and best of all, you will be comfortable in your own home with your family. Perhaps if your husband makes a bold statement as my boyfriend plans to do, maybe eventually MIL will realize its her fault that her son isnt coming around and she will begin to acknowledge and accomodate you more.... but dont keep your fingers crossed! .....................C. M.

My husband and I are in a similar situtation as you're in. We've just agreed to keep our distance, be polite enough to ensure our kids have some kind of relationship with his parents during the one week we spend together each year, and take the high road with snide comments. Life is too short to get caught up in family politics and we're determined not to provide ammo for their complaints. We're never going to please them so we do our best to make our kids happy and keep smiling so they can't detect the stress between the adults. Good luck!

I have a similar problem. My husbands mother doesn't like me anymore. We used to get along very well, until one day she decided that every time she detected a problem, it was because of me. I was the problem in her eyes. I try not to take it personal, it is not easy. She hasn't spoken to me or our children in years. No cards, no visits, nothing. She refuses to be involved in our lives. My mother is the same way. Just recently, has she no spoken to me or the kids. They will grow up without grandma, but they will grow up in a happy family. I cannot subject our children to ridicule, and cut-downs. This will show them that it's okay to be that way, and it's not. We chose not to even try with people like that. It may seem mean to some of you, but why subject our children to that kind of treatment?
I wish you the best of luck with this. A situation like this is never easy to deal with. But it has to be mutual with your husband, or just don't involve yourself with them.
Again, whatever you choose to do, make it best for your family.
Not anyone else's coice.
M.

This thread reminds me of that song "Monster-in-law"! I can completely relate to your MIL situation. My Mil was just awful to my son when he was younger until I told her she would not be allowed to talk/see her granddaughter or son if she didn't improve fast. Before my wedding, she told all of my husband's family not to bother to come cuz it wouldn't last if she had anything to say bout it! And they never showed! But my family came from every state and we had relatives coming out of our ears! It was great after all!

My advise is to do everything in writing. Ask for her holiday dates in writing - email would be best cause then you would have a copy of your letter. If you have no problem with her picking her one time/day first and then planning the other time/day for your family. This way if she ever claims that you would not cooperate with her for the holidays, you can reply "Hmmm could you hold on one minute while I get my copies of our conversation bout the holidays in front of me to refer to".

As far as the "rules" situation, you may have to forgo having the luzury of having MIL watch the kids overnight. At least until the kids are old enough to understand the "her house - her rules but my house - my rules" situation. If she is watching your kids so your husband and you can go out on a date, you may have to cut your dates short so you can pick the kids up before going home. Not fun but still doable. Explain, again in writing, that the kids may be too many/young for her to have hem all night but as they get older the easier it will be for her as your kids are at 3 different stages right now and need to have their routines the same as at home. Obviously this can be put a lot nicer than what I just did.

Update on my MIL is she has Alzheimer's and only remembers my son. She thinks he is the greatest and I'm this nice lady that visits her when her son and grandson can't. My husband was lucky when it came to the in-laws! They told ME to be nice to HIM so he would stay round! LOL!

Good luck and take care of yourself and your family.

First of all let me say hats off to you for being so patience. Next if it were me, I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your husband and come to some common ground on the situtation. Sounds like he is supportive of your feelings. Next have a meeting with your mother in law with your husband. Explain your concerns in a nice way, but be straight and to the point. Let's face it, these are your kids and she needs to respect & honor your wishes on these issues. These concerns you mentioned are very valid in order to keep your children in balance & happy. It is not worth having the constant conflict. If she can not and will not respect you & your husbands wishes the I guess she should not see the children without one of you present. I know this seen harsh, but she needs to know her place. Sounds like she plays favorites anyway. You don't want your children to resent their cousins because grandma plays favorites. My mother treats all of her 13 grandchildren & 3 great grandchildren equally. This maybe tough at first, but she will either respect you know you mean what you say or not have her own time with your kids. As for the pictures, I would be upfront and tell her that it is not in your budget to have this done. Extend your offer again about taking the picture again. If she doesn't accept I guess she is not will to understand your feelings. Who knows she may see that you will follow through with your concerns not letting her see the kids without one of you present and she will respect your wishes.
She raised her kids and now she needs to honor your wishes with your kids. Sorry so long. Good luck.

A huge thing that we have been working on with holidays is rotation. Each of our families are divorced and his are remarried. My dad lives out of the country. Being that we had 3 parents we took the 3 major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) and rotate them. So every 3rd year they would get us for the same holiday. We kind of threw it out the window with Thanksgiving and Easter, but Christmas we have stuck too. It makes it easy so they know what to expect. With that being said, my mom and his mom live only 1/2 an hour from each other and when it's their holiday the other still expects to see us so when it's their holiday it means that that is where we will be staying (Christmas Eve).

This year we are going to his dad's and I am really excited. It is a stress free and relaxing time - it's so nice not to have to please everyone by dividing time equally.

We have talked about when we have more than one child to start our own traditions, but after last year we talked about starting next year simply because it's not that relaxing when you are running back and forth from one family to the next.

So if your families don't live close or even if they do you could give it a try - it helps a controlling mother in law know what to expect.

Hope things work out for you.

I second that you have amazing patience!! I have issues with my SIL...for some reason, she's threatened by my oldest or something?? I don't know. But she's really hard on my kids, especially my oldest (5), and when he gets in trouble with Grandpa, she's been known to make some comment about how it's "about time" he gets in trouble (maybe because her 5-year-old is usually the one to act up and get in trouble?)...I don't know. It's frustrating. There have been MANY a time where I bite my lip for fear of starting World War 3 (or 4 actually...WW3 happened in our family a couple years ago where we weren't speaking). I know that's not fair for the kids, so I don't want that to happen again, but it's really, really hard! My mom's told me I can vent to her if I need to. :)

Anyway, sorry I'm rambling...I really do admire your patience!! I wish I had more of that when my SIL tries to "correct" my children by yelling at them across the house. Grrrrr....getting all worked up here! :) Sorry I don't have any advice--but you're not alone! I've heard many a horror story about in-laws that make mine seem pitifully tame!! GOOD LUCK!!!

First of all...as you can see your not alone!!! Second, you have way more patience then I do. Me and my MIL started off as very good friends, until we moved closer to her. My MIL is the same way...about 3 months ago ( July 4th weekend) my MIL sent me a nasty email calling me names and saying that I was the reason that she never got to see her son ( my hubby) and her grandkids. Well my hubby just told me "thats how his mom is and she will never change to just let it go" So I just let it go and stopped talking to her, that way she could not say anything about me...as I was out of the picture. Well I was wrong, about a month later more nasty emails came. ( aboout 3 - 4 a week) this went on for 2 months then finally I told the hubby that I was going to go talk to her and get this over with as it was not fair to the kids. Well I went to her house to talk to her about "what did I do to make her so angry?" and all she did was act like nothing ever happened!! She gave me a hug and just talked about my SIL's up coming wedding, then finally she said she got mad because "I" never LET my hubby or kids come and visit. To this I just told her that my husband is a big boy and he can do what he wants, its not like I'm locking him in the house or something. Anyway to make this short ( now that its like a book...LOL) nothing has really changed, she still hates me but we talk to each other nicely for the sake of the kids. I just deal with it as I'm sure others have to also with their MIL's. I really wish that I had some advice for you....but all I can say is just try and keep things "normal" for the sake of the kids.

Hey, someone hit the hot button! EVERY married woman knows how you feel, unless their MILs are dead or weird. My MIL was great UNTIL I had kids, then she turned into a crazy nutbag (I couldn't think of a nicer term...). 4 days after I had my first little guy, it began. Apparently, I was short with her (um, duh.) and she cried for 3 hours about it. The thing that really hurt my feelings about our relationship falling apart was that we were really close and I thought that we had a friendship. I think the first thing that threatened her was that my sister in law and I are really close friends. Also, she doesn't like to be wrong, so when I would tell her not to give my baby Diet Pepsi, she would cry. Anyway, since we had a good relationship, I spoke with my FIL who, of course, gave the "just deal with her" answer. I asked him if he remembers what the relationship was like between his mother and his wife, and then I think that it clicked. Also, my husband had a calm talk with her about being a little less sensitive and just reminded her about being the grandma that she had always wanted to me. It was hard at first because she was so defensive but now it is getting better. She shows up when she promises to babysit... on time, she doesn't criticize as much, she doesn't give my kids foods without asking if it is ok (within reason), and she respects me as a mother. A few things that I needed to do was: keep my distance (don't talk to her about personal things, which was especially hard because I do not like flakey relationships), make an effort to see how she is (so I can better empathize with her), and laugh things off ( I hate doing this, but it works). When she does asinine things, I laugh like I am laughing at a 3 year old. That way she can realize how rediculous it is without directly being a jerk. Again, you're not alone... check out www.motherinlawstories.com

I think every married person has to deal with this sort of issue sooner or later. When you marry the person, you marry the family. This can be wonderful at times, and totally aggravating at others. My only advice is to be open about your feelings with your husband and do your best to communicate your feelings with your in-laws. You can't change your in-laws. All you can do is be clear about your feelings and not let your SIL or MIL walk over you.

Perhaps for the holidays, ask you MIL in advance if she has specific dates in mind for when everyone will be together. If she doesn't, then plan your holiday with your family knowing that you tried. When MIL tries to make you feel guilty later, just remind her that you checked with her in advance but maybe next year things will work out better.

Hang in there. Keep your sense of humor and accept you can't change your MIL, but perhaps your MIL will realize what a great DIL she has and things will get better.

One last thing, grandparents NEVER follow the rules. That's why they are grandparents and why kids love hanging out with their grandparents so much. I once picked up my son from my mother-in-law and she told me how much he loves rice cereal and ice cream. He was 6 months old at the time. Again, just keep your sense of humor.

I see many others have responded so i'll keep it short. You can't change her and if she is so problematic it's HER problem.
If SHE has issues let HER own them. If your not going to make it to see your SIL it's because she wouldn't be definate about what day was best.

BE BLUNT, tell her how it is and walk away!

I really don't have any advice....but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. On our wedding day, I was told (about ten minutes before walking down the aisle) that my MIL "forgot" the marriage license at home> She even asked me if we REALLY needed it. I took that as a sign. My BIL's wife is the perfect one because her family owns a Country Club and she was brought up in money. I come from a working class family. When my son was just 4 months old, she came to pick him up (for a night of babysitting) DRUNK! At least you don't have to deal with that. Then I became the real bad guy because I told her she is not allowed to have even one drink if Austin is to be with her. Then all of a sudden she NEVER came around at all, which is fine with me, but she tells everyone on my husbands side of the family that I won't let her see her only grandchild. She also makes comments to my son that if he does this or that wrong his Mommy won't let him be with her.
Hang in there and remember that there are other people out there that have the same problem!!!

I will make mine short regarding time with grandma. Let it go. They are their pride and joy. Let them have fun with their grandchildren. Your children will have great memories of how grandma and grandpa were so "cool" and they will want to go there often. You don't want to have any regrets as far as the "fun" time g/g have with them.