Seeking Advice on Friendship

S.,
I know exactly how you feel. I also have a long time friend who had a drinking problem. Your story sounds very similar. My friend seemed fine during the day but as night came she was drunk and nasty to certain people. It had gotten worse over the months and we confronted her about her addiction which she said was not a problem because she didnt "CRAVE it like I guess alcoholics do. But even when she passed out and had to be taken to the hospital for blood alcohol poisoning she still denyed it. She was eventually intervined on Christmas eve afer another trip to the hospital and now she is in rehab and very sober and very much aware of the problem she tried to deny. all she wanted to do was escape her daily living and it continued to get worse because she could not cope so she drank more. My prayers to you and your friend. Keep an eye on the progression or a downward spiral. Confront her, you have nothing to loose so she knows you are aware. She needs help. TELL HER FAMILY!! dont keep it a secret. Let them know you are concerned. I almost lost my vry best friend forever!!
K.

Ya know what sweetie? You've got enough going on in your life without having to deal with your friend. As I have grown up, I have left a lot of friends by the side of the road while they continue to do what they do and I move on my way. Since having my baby I find there is a tremendous disconnect with my friends who don't have kids and who continue to "party hearty". I prefer wholesome, pura vida to drama. There are plenty of great people out there who make satisfying friendships and who reinvigorate you rather than have you question yourself, use your resources and time, etc. Sadly I think it's time to move on.

Thats a hard one, because if she doesn't want to hear it she won't... But to make yourself not ever feel that something was left unsaid I think you should tell her what is bothering you.... Again I wouldn't expect her to understand and see things your way and all of a sudden want to change but if she hears it enough it may sink in...
Good Luck

K.

S.,

Hunnie, I've been there, many times. Honestly, I know that you've been friends for a long time and you've had many memories throughout the years, good, bad and indifferent. But it's to let her go, at least for now. You can't allow someone else's drinking and rage to tear you down. A friendship is a two-sided relationship, it's equal. She needs to put some effort into the friendship,(ie coming to see you and your family, meeting you somewhere to hang out that's closer to your home, etc)you can't just give and not recieve.

You can always hope that one day she will 'wake up' and change her actions and opinions, but you have a family to take care of and you don't need the added stress of having to take care of a grown @$$ woman also.

I have an old friend of mine that used to call me all the time to hang out with her, but whenever she called all she ever wanted to do or was already doing was drinking and partying. I got so tired of being the person that had to bail her out of bad situations because she would get smashed all the time. It's exhausting and after awhile of doing it, I started dreading even seeing her somewhere.

As my dad told me when I was younger, the people you assocciate with are the people other assume you are.

My advise would be to decide what would be respectful to you.

You can tell her that you guys can go hang out so long as she does not drink, invite her over to your house or go out shopping whatever, you will be there for her if she needs you, but being a friend does not mean that you have to go hang out with her and drink with her. You are enabling her to sink deeper in her hole. Be aware that she will probably lash out at you and might not want to talk to you anymore. If you do care about her just stay strong in what is respectful for you at the same time showing her that you are there to help her if she is willing to help herself. But just remember she is very low right now & miserable and the saying goes misery loves company.

She seems to be stuck pretty deep in an addiction. Does she realize she is depressed because the life she is living? The drinking, being stuck, not living her life to all she can? These are all things she has the power to change. Try talking to her when she is sober about things she tells you when she is drunk. Unfortunately you cannot change her as much as you might want to, she must choose that on her own.

May your friend be blessed with strength and you with wisdom to overcome this time.

A.

I think that she needs a lot of attention.From what it sounds like, she could use a good friend(man) in here life. I won't say that she is jealous but in a way yes of your graet family life.I at times when I was single(not so long ago,or not a solid relationship of my own) I would feel the same with my freinds that had a solid relationship, not on purpose but just because I wanted one too.I have a son but it didn't feel like enough I wanted more in my life.I theink it is a combination of her both needing help with drinking & wnating attention.To help your friend try a "fixerup" Fix her up with a nice positive gentleman taht is more positive and would try to make her see a brighter side of life.but please, advise her to straighten up a bit because if she is just a plain "bum"; not saying she is he would not even ask her on a 2nd date.There are nice guys out there you know(does your hubby have any friends you can hook her up with?)She's bored and you know that you can't do everything like you used to (when you were single) You don't want to jeopardize your family because remember they will always be there, friends aren't.This way you have a compromise with your family & here;everyone gets what they want and you have peace because I know you worry about her, she is your friend.But anyway who am I, I only see my friends about once a month if that,we all have an understanding and our own lives, if anything is important we get together or for a girls night out occasionally but we're always friends, besides my boyfriend, & my son,I only have 2 close friends.I hope this helps,but ultimately she needs to stop drinking so much,and oh yeah she needs to get layed!(sorry, I'm a blunt person)

Your friend has the classic signs of alcoholism. Until she wants to get help there's not much you can do to be supportive. Write her a letter that tells her why you're unwilling to hang out with her so she'll be able to read it when she's sober. If she has other friends/family that are willing to confront her, I'd suggest talking with someone who is trained in interventions. Good luck.

Hi, my name is D. and although i can't say that i have a million friends, i do have a few very very good ones and i stick with them through think and thin. Since you're friendship is one for 12 years now, i think it is your right as her friend to talk to her and help her seek help. She is an alcoholic and she needs help. Don't get mad at her because unfortunately, she cannot control it at this point just try to have a one on one conversation in a neutral place if you want and tell her how upset it makes you to see her that way and that if she doesn't get help your friendship is going to suffer and she will end up dead one of these days from too much alcohol.
That is what i think. I am 34 i have a one year old girl and a wonderful husband as well and by the way, what is your job at home? I am looking for something i can do at home..

You can email me at ____@____.com

Hope things work out for the both of you.

D.

Hi S.! You are in a tough situation, however, I don't think that you should wash your hands of it. It sounds like your friend needs a friend right now. Since you have spoken to her in the past and it dosen't seem to help, maybe you could get together with some of her friends, (like the ones you play cards or cook out with) and speak to her together. Maybe when she sees that you are not the only one that cares about her and sees that she is drinking too much. She needs professional help and I think that you and your friends should guide her in that direction. You could even call AA ahead of time and they could probably help you out as to what to say. I wish you lots of luck, you are a good friend.

Well it sounds to me like your friend unfortunately is someone that may not be a very good role model for your kids. I know you think well how can my friend be a role model to my kids shes just my friend I dont even bring them around her too much, but trust me honey just a little exposure is more than enough for kids. When we are mommies we always need to think that the people we allow into our heart (friends or family) and homes are being exposed to our children , and is that kind of behavior something you want your babies to be around?

I know you care for her very much. But honestly someone who drinks that much or has a drinking problem doesnt love themselves too much. She really needs to get in that place in her life where she is happy with who she is to where she doesnt need alcohol. When she can love herself while being sober she can then recipricate that caring relationship to you as you do to her.

Since you care for her so much. Look up some rehabilitation centers or AAA meetings in her area for her. Hold an intervention between you and her and maybe the people who love her and give her the ultimatum. Say listen I love you like if we were sisters and Im telling you this and asking you to do this because I love you. You can hate me for it but I will still love you even if you dont want anything to do with me after this. These are some centers or AAA meetings that I feel may benefit you. REally your drinking use to be fun and hillarious but you have gotten to the point where you say or do things that hurt me and to be quit honest I dont feel comfortable with my kids seeing you this way. I would like for you to get help or seriously we can not be friends anymore. You tell her that it hurts you to see her destroying herself this way and all though it will hurt you to walk away from you friendship the hurt will be a lot less than watching her disintergrate with the alcohol. If shes ready and it really sinks in what you are telling her she will make a change. It might not ever happen that same day but when she is ready she will know. You confronting her like this may be what she really needs. The more important thing while doing this is that you confront with her love and loving words. Not anger. People do not react well to anger they just shut down. So if you go into it with anger or even have to say " IM not angry at you" then you might have lost her from that point on. Hope this advice works our for you Good luck...

If you can, rather than just abandoning her without saying anything, just be up front and tell her unless she gets some help, you can't be around her anymore. Tell her you love her but you don't love her drinking or what it's doing to her. She can call the AA hotline and they'll hook her up with another woman who has been there. ###-###-#### is the number.

I have a friend like that. I had to distants myself from her even though I hated too. We were best friends, always together. Then something changed. She started to drink alot, and was fun at first, but the more she drank the less fun she became. Just talk to her and tell her that you love her but you don't want to be around someone that gets so miserable when they drink. Say you want to have drinks now and then to let loose, not get more stressed!!!! If she does not change don't hang out with her when she is drinking. Don't stop being her friend though. She may be going through something that she needs help with.

obviously youir friend has a problem w/ alcohol that being said, you are asking yourself many questions; only she can decide what to do at this point.
this is just one of those painful experiences we have that require us to do the best we cna to come to some conclusion and be at peace as best we can with it.
this all begs the question: what are u really getting out of this friendship? and why is that impt? it sounds very one sided and the fact u have a hard time w/ the drinking aspect.........we have all encountered these situations in our friendships; and in the end while the loss is intolerable in the moment one often comes out the other side: finding others who are more together and more reciprocal in the friendship; doesn't sound like there is much reciprocity for YOU.
lastly you say u are a mother of three: ask yourself what lessons you want to be able to give them w/ regard to these social emotional issues we all face one time or another. if the answer is to have enough conviction to stand by ONE self first, then this will be a good exercise in that end: to let her know why you can't be friends e tc. impt you hold to yourself first.......and PS: your friend just may take s/thing away as well w/out you never knowing it; what a gift that would be.

S.,

I had to give up a friend for the same reason. I love her dearly and I still miss her, but I couldn't handle the drama. I was recently married and so was she and I had to choose between my life and hers. She tried to contact me a few times, but I just ignored her completely. She was totally unreasonable when she was drunk, so there's no way we could have worked it out. I did what was best for me. I don't know if she learned a lesson or anything, but I had to put myself first (for once).

If you are truly dedicated to your friend and you don't want to give her up, you should try to recruit as much support from her friends and family and have an intervention. Check out this article on how to stage an intervention:
http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/intervention/ht/interventi...
You may not feel like it's your place, but your friend definitely needs help. I wasn't strong enough to help my friend, but I can still pray for her to get help and be happy again someday. You just have to do what's right for you.

Good luck.

-T.

This reminds me of a movie, When a Man loves a Woman, with Meg Ryan in it. Great movie, i have watched it several times. This might give you some insight and maybe maybe maybe you can get her to watch it :) (ps of course it is about alcoholism)

S.