Seeking Advice on Explicit Photos on Teens Camera

I remember when I was a younger and taking pics of myself in a swimsuit, to see what my body looks like to other people. Perhaps it is a similar situation, just minus the swimsuit...

I think the fact that you found the camera under the sofa is a great conversation-starter. Tell her that you finding the camera like that is a perfect example of why she really shouldn't be taking those kinds of photos. Ask her how she would have felt if her father found the camera! Also, you, as her mother, are probably the best person to have found it. If the camera got left behind at a party or a friend dug through her stuff or she dropped it at the mall, the photos could be all over the internet by now.

I would tell her that you respect that she is an adult and you trust that she is making good decisions. But remind her that these photos can easily get in the "wrong" hands, and she could be jeopardizing future job opportunities, relationships--not to mention her reputation.

When we talk to our kids about sex and sexuality, we usually talk about the physical or technical aspects, like use birth control or watch out for diseases. So don't be afraid to talk about the emotions that get tied up with sexuality. Who knows why she took the photos. Maybe a boy pressured her into it or all her friends have racy photos or maybe it's even a harmless joke. But I think it's worth telling her that digital files live on into infinity, and she should be mindful not to do anything that she will regret 5, 10 years from now. Remind her that she is a beautiful woman, deserving of respect, and she should not do anything to degrade herself.

Good luck!

Your daughter is caught up in this sexual age and your mother's intution is what caused you to look at the camera. I always find that there is a little angel on my shoulder that lets me know when I should be looking into something.

Your daughter may be an adult in the eyes of the law but your parenting hasn't stopped. She left the camera out which makes me think perhaps she wanted to be caught or her little angel on her shoulder is helping her by letting her be caught. How you handle it will not seem to be popular with her because she will look at it as you snooped. How would handle this situation is sit her down and tell her that you looked at the pictures in her camera. She will be mad but don't let that stop you. Part of parenting is being unpopular when need be. If you ask her who else has seen the pictures, she probably will down play it and say no one, she just was playing around. I wouldn't ask, I would just point out that once those pictures are given to someone, they do what they want with them. If it is a boy friend then if there is a break up (and odds are there will be) then he can send them out to anyone he wants, post them on the net, show them to whatever employer she may have, any future boyfriends she will have. She will never have control of those pictures again. Remind her how it affected people we know have lost titles and self respect for photos like those. Just this year Miss California lost her crown because of a photo she did as a 18 year old that didn't show her breasts, but she posed in panties and topless with her back towards the camera for a ad. Ask her to delete them and then ask her to always think about what she is doing... if she wouldn't want her dad to see the photos, they aren't ones she should be taking. If they get out there, family members could easily come across them.

Please have faith in your parenting and trust that your daughter will do the right thing with these photos. Pretend you did not see them and continue on as normal. You should have kept to yourself in the first place and anything you say to her now will certainly breach a trust and put you on shaky ground. This comes from a mother who has a daughter 19 years old and I discussed different scenarios with her before posting this. Think carefully before talking to ANYONE!
Take care!

I was not going to respond to this. After seeing the response of not to say anything to your daughter and to pretend that you didn't see the photos!!! I could not disagree more!! You are her mother. Right or not you saw the pictures. You have to say SOMETHING to her. What, I am not sure. Please don't blow this off. It could be a serious situation. Don't IGNORE it. I think you would regret that if you did. good luck!!!

I would be very concerned and would talk to your daughter about how serious "sexting" can be. My sons are still tiny but I have a 19 year old sister who is living a nightmare now for doing even less than your daughter did. Teens and young adults think they are invincible. They don't think bad things really happen to them but i have learned the hard way that they do! I am 27 now and cannot believe the stupidity of my choices at 18/19/20!! I was lucky but there are so many situations that could have ended very, very badly. Good luck talking to her!

The very first person I would talk to would be her father. This is such a serious subject. If those picture got into the wrong hands they could harm her for life. I think you and your husband should sit her down and discuss this!

I'd definitely confront her. I have 3 grown children with children of their own - I know I would definitely confront her (2 of mine are daughters too). Tell her that when you innocently looked at the photos you were shocked and scared for her safety. You also didn't want her father to get a hold of the camera so you have kept it hidden in your room where no one else could have found it accidently.

Let her know you are worried about what might happen should those pictures get out and what impact it might have on her future career.
Best of luck,
D.

You spotted her camera UNDER THE COUCH and "for some reason" looked at her pictures.
Sure. Right.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you snoop. You learn things about a person you wish you could take back.
Now, you're in the uneviable position of wanting and needing to address this with your daughter, yet knowing that she's going to find out that you snooped, and will have every right to be angry about it.
If you try to be coy, and casually mention how some people take nude pics, etc, she's gonna know that you snooped and will be even angrier that you're not coming clean and giving her an opportunity to confront you on your own bad decision.
So come clean. Ask to speak to her alone and be prepared for her to be angry that you snooped.
HOWEVER, don't let her anger about her "invasion of privacy" eclipse your own very real and very important concerns about the pictures themselves. These aren't polaroids, and digital images can be reproduced endlessly if they fall in the wrong hands. And point out how easily they came into your hands.
College=experimentation, but it also equals education. Her job during the next 4-5 years is to balance experimentation with being smart enough to avoid bad consequences of her "experiences". The costs totally outweigh the benefits on this choice. What she's doing is not smart and will benefit her NOT AT ALL.

I wish you luck. PS don't tell your husband. He doesn't need to know. But go ahead and let her squirm about it...how would she feel if the pics came out and everyone got to see them?!

M.,

You might want to approach the subject from a concerned point. Let her know that should those pictures find their way onto the internet - she'll never be able to eraset them. I've done some chatting with our local internet task force recently, and that is one of the things that most people don't realize. Should she send them - even to a boyfriend - what happens when that relationship ends and he decides to post them? How will that affect her ability to get a job in the future? You really have to be careful with what you do and to whom you give photos and personal information. Just let her know you love her and don't want her placed in any danger - even the danger of embarrassment.

Lisa

I read a few of these and see you are getting mixed opinions. From a younger mom (my first daughter is just over a year) I'm maybe more lax about this now.

I'm in my mid twenties, and I'll admit taking some pretty risky photos for my fiance before he became my husband. I will say I lived on my own then and clearly my parents had no say but I'm more of the opinion that it's not your business. It might be nice to know if she has a boyfriend, having sex, on birth control, that she won't post them online...BUT you said it, she's an adult. It's her body.
There is always the thought that she took them for herself. It's something I look back on now after my daughter and a few years to think how I never really knew how beautiful I was then.

The only thing I can suggest is just be straight with her, Let her know that you weren't snooping she left the camera out so anyone could see. Let's just be thankful that is was you that saw the pics. The wrong person could get hold to those pics and put them all over the internet, ask her is that what she wants and then what would her future be. I saw a episode of Law & Order SUV last week and the same thing happened, where a girl took pics of herself and sent them to the wrong person, and the pics ended up on the internet. well in the end she ended up being charged with child pornagraphy with the intent to distribute ( or something like that) the bottom line is, is it worth going thru unnessary changes that won't just effect her in the long run and could possibly ruin her reputation and future.

I don't think I would admidt that you looked at the her photos but maybe just have a chat in general about how girls are putting such sleezy pics up on the web these days and how a friend of yours daughter did that and the whole family was embarrassed just make something like that up.

Hi, recently a friend had this issue with her HS daughter. So we did some research and talked to a child psychologist that is my neighbor. It is completely normal and in this digital and much sexualized world how can we not expect our children to be curious. 80% of HS students have pictures and over half share them. Over 90% of college students have them. Not sure how many share them.
What I told my friend and the conversation I would want to have with my daughter is about sharing these pictures.
One picture you upload to the internet is available and will be available forever. In my college years if you had a naked picture of anyone at our school everyone in our dorm/ frat saw it. It was brought out at every party. Those pictures were carried across continents during our breaks.
I think you need to talk to her. She is figuring out her sexual identity and she needs to know how to be safe in a whole lot of different ways.
Good Luck!

Since she is still a teen, she might not be completely aware of what the consequences of her actions will be yet. Even if she is technically an adult, she still needs your guidance. She will be coming to you for the rest of your life for guidance! I agree with the last poster who said that since you found it under the family couch, you have a great excuse to initiate a talk. Have you already given her camera back? It will be a bit more difficult if you have- but if this is the case she probably knows that you have seen the pictures already and it wont be such a shock to her when you bring it up.
I would tell her since she is grown... she can make her own decisions and that you are not going to tell her whether or not to take explicit photos. She can and will take them if she wants. Just let her know that you are concerned and that you don't want her to feel the regret and shame later on if they were to get in the wrong hands. Remind her of the stories of teens sending pictures to their boyfriends and their boyfriends sending it to all of their friends to gloat. Tell her you don't want some jerk to take advantage of her in that way... It would hurt you if someone hurt her. If she has a boyfriend that she is crazy about she will probably say "oh he would never do that" ...but by saying it to her you at least have planted a seed of doubt that she will hopefully think about, even if she doesn't want to admit that you are right. Tell her you want her to protect herself because you worry about her safety and well-being. Maybe tell her a story of something you did when you were younger that you regretted afterward. And I would leave it at that. Either she will listen and take care, or she will ignore you. But that is all you can do on your end

I think as a mother, you have to talk to her. I think Cassandra had some good advice. You need to be understanding and do your research first as well. She may not think it would happen to her but I know there was recently a story of a girl in Cincinnati that did the same thing and pictures were spread around school. It can happen, and like someone else said, if you found the camera, what's to say she doesn't accidentally leave it and someone else finds it.

I agree with the moms that talk about adressing this issue. It is not a situation to just ignore. You found the pictures and she is living with you. There is no need to be authoratative about it but the situation has come up, therefore needs to be addressed in a loving but parental way. The ramifications of these pictures could seriously damage the rest of her life. She needs to understand that from her loving parents, both mom and dad. My prayers are with you.

I have daughters myself, from two to fourteen. If I were to find photos of her like that after she was an adult, I dont think I would be too worried. I also took provocative pics of myself at about that age. I never shared them with anyone until recently I showed my husband, so he could see that I used to be young and have a nice body. It was in good fun. Hopefully you and your daughter are able to have open candid conversations, becuase if you feel you should talk to her about it, then you should. She sounds like she is heading the right direction (going to college on her own) I wouldnt worry to much about it. She will probably just end up deleting them. HOpe this helps.

She may be an adult but as her parent you have the right to express your moral beliefs. If she is living in your house as an adult she also needs to respect them.

You dont know if she is posting them online, which could get back to your family and then your husband would find them another way. Teenagers are more free with their sexuality than ever before and with the information age, how quickly one of those pictures could make it on an adult site, exchanged around e-mails or picture mail it would be astounding.

oh no-i went thru this with my son-new video cam..lets just say i saw a whole lot of stuff i really didnt want to see-i brought it to his attention-i guess us nosey parents get more than we ask for huh?? just tell her you found her camera and was looking thru her pics and saw these...she will be extremly embarrassed...dont judge her,accuse her,or even question her-just tell her in the future to be more careful with her personal buisness-cuz her dad may have found it and it would be much worse-or the hands of friends..as they get older-theres really not to much we can do with their experimenting-just give warning of what could happen-luckily i always had a real open relationship with both my kids-there are things they told me that made me cringe and my skin crawl,cry in aggravation and complete horror-they never saw these emotions-now in their late 20,s im hearing alot more of their teen antics...whew-glad their grown....good luck-if you need to talk more-feel free to mail me.

Wow! I am fairly open minded but I would be uneasy with this one. Is she thinking of starting a modeling or acting career? Does she have a boyfriend? She may have taken the pictures for him. You could skirt the issue by talking to her about the incendent that happened to Suzanne Somers back in the '70's just as she became very popular. When she was struggling and starving trying to get a modeling/acting career going she posed for some nude pictures for a man she trusted. He was supposed to send them to Playboy in the hope that Playboy would hire Suzanne. She signed a release and he didn't send the pictures or they were rejected, I don't remember, but after she became a TV star the pictures were released in Playboy without her knowledge, until it hit the newsstands. Anyway my point is that say your daughter decides to run for public office or is an attorney for a controverisal case of if she is a teacher and the media gets a hold of thse pictures. It could ruin her creditability. Somehow you need to explain to her that while the nude body is nothing to be ashamed of you don't want pictures showing up years down the road.

I would talk to her about it. She needs to understand that those pictures are not a show of self respect. I don't know if you'd be interested or not, but there is a book called, Reclaiming Goddess Sexuality. If you read the book as an ages and stages book, then it's quite easy to understand as it goes through the maiden (a woman unto herself, not virgin), mother, and crone (wise woman) stages of a womans life and talks about sexuality and the choices we make for ourselves at each stage, what to expect, what is healthy, what is not. It was written by a female sex therapist who's been in the field for 25 years+. I found the book very helpful and empowering and helped me to better understand myself and the limits I need to set for myself, not just in the bedroom, but out of it too. When I first read it, I ended up buying several copies for friends and relatives and each woman that has read it has called to tell me what a wonderful book it is and how much it helped them! I even have a personal copy that I made notes in the margains of and that copy has been passed around the comments having been added to by those who have read it, adding their personal experiences and thoughts. The book will give her a healthy perspective and appreciation of her own sexuality and a better understanding of why she needs to closely guard herself.

I'd probably act like I didn't see them. Then randomly bring up to her something like 1.) I've been watching all these Oprah's lately about sexting and seeing articles in magazines... did you know people can't get hired b/c of these photos? etc. or 2.) Honey I just wanted to make sure you know to keep your facebook page really clear of any 'bad' pictures b/c ones they are out there they are always out there. Even sending any kind of picture can come back to haunt you and you just never know.

Good luck! This is a really tough one.
Amanda

M., I would ask her why she has naked pictures of herself on her phone....& then let her answer. Let her be embarassed, a big dose of that is what she needs. Don't worry so much about breaking the trust, it will comeback as long as you confront this in a respectable way, woman to woman. She doesn't need to be treated like a child or yelled at. Voice your love, concern and disappointment. We all have hard lessons growing up.Good luck and don't feel guilty for bringing it up.