Seeking Advice on 3 Yr Old Who Won't Go to Bed by Herself

At this age and because the child has issues, mabey you could prepare her some kind of chart with stickers, or whatever pleases her for the number of times that she will go to bed on her own, after her story. Now if this continues you may have to do something different but at 3 is still a little young yet for the sterness and because of her issues.
JMO
D.

Hi Sue, I also want to say how great you are for taking care of your grandchild. My advice is to just bare with it a little longer. After all a 3 yr old is still just a baby. And your right kids have alot to deal with in the world today. We as parents or guardians have to give them the comfort and security they need to help them along the way as they grow. Lay with her,try to stay on a schedule, only go in the bed to sleep, never to play, that way when she hits the bed she knows what time it is. This will help speed the process along. Create a ritual so she has consistency, eventually overtime she will be able to go to bed on her own. I have two girls 7 and 5 and even today there are somedays that they just want me to lay with them till they fall asleep and I do. The opposition is that I leave them alone and they take forever to sleep and keep coming out of their rooms and cry. Not a good way to end the day. Well good luck. I hope that you find a median to your problem and your grand daughters problem. Maybe you can meet in the middle.

sincerely,
S..

Hi Sue-

Looks like you've gotten a lot of advice on this matter,so I'll be brief. I would recommend reading "Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems" (I think that's the name) by Ferber. It SO explains WHY children have the issues they do and how to handle them in the proper way. Basically, children are so psychology affected by certain issues and when they have that alone time in bed with nothing else to do, all of their anxieties or fears can erupt. Also, that we should treat them like they are babies again,as far as comforting them. It also offers a lot of strategies on how to deal with those issues that are very reasonable. You might also consider leaving her door open - she may just find that connection comforting enought to eventually sleep alone (if you're not already doing this).
Good luck and remember that she will thank you and her Grandpa one day for looking after her.

I wouldn't push the issue. It sounds like she's got more than enough going on in the area of security and separation issues. Has anything happened recently to make her more nervous/anxious around bedtime?

I know I've always felt like I spend the whole day doing things to try to make my kids happy, healthy, secure people. I never wanted the last thing they remember every day to be crying themselves to sleep. I would stay with her. Maybe she'd be happy to have you just sit in the room. My one year old twins have always gone to bed easily, but my six year old still sometimes wants to fall asleep holding my hand. I let him. I figure the time is short that he'll want something like that. Someday he won't want to be seen with me, right? I'll enjoy this while I can.

Sue,

My hats off to you for raising your granddaughter. It seems more and more these days that the grandparents are raising the grandchildren, unfortunately. I went through the same thing with my son. When I kept asking the Dr. why he won't sleep by himself, the Dr. told me that since my husband and I were going through a divorce that he was probably insecure. I know that you said that you have had your granddaughter since she was 3mo. But with the irregularity of visits and with her worshiping her mother, she sounds like she is insecure. She fears that you may leave her. I am not a physcologist. I just know what I have experienced. My son quit needing to sleep with someone on his own. When he felt and knew that I would ALWAYS be there for him. It took a while but he finally figured it out. I know that laying with him got old. So what I would do is get a chair and sit next to his bed. And then when he went to sleep I would leave. I know that this didn't help you much. But I just wanted to commend you for caring for her when no one else can.

L.

Get and read this book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth (Paperback - April 12, 1999). It worked wonders with our first child. Then, when he was 2, I was pregnant with our second child. Then, the only way he would fall asleep was when I was with him in his room (falling asleep as well, but oh, well, I'm Mom!). There was a whole lot of turmoil in our lives at that time, the second baby, my husband's work hours, my work, moving into a new house, etc. etc. So, I just hung in there with him and let him fall asleep with me next to him. This lasted for a few months, and then he got past it. But, when things are chaotic, stressful, too busy and overwhelming, my now 9 year old asks me to lie down with him and cuddle. That reaching out is very telling, and it's one of the few ways this boy of mine will. So, I recommend you read the book, it is insightful, and then hug and cuddle your grandchild, and stay with her as long as this is a security issue and not a control issue. If her biological mother is coming and going and no set schedule etc, her psychological security is probably taxed. In case no one has said anything to you, You and your husband are pretty fantastic and doing the right thing. Good luck.

Hi Sue,
Have you tried leaving her in her bed while she's crying for a straight week or two? I know it can be very hard to hear her cry but the consistency really is the factor. Or you can "wean" her by checking on her during her cries less and less often each night so that she does feel secure knowing that you are there. For example, for the first night, after 10 min of crying, go in her room and tell her that she's okay and you're there but don't stay too long, just reassure her and leave the room again. Repeat this the next night if she cries for that long but lengthen your time before initially going in, like 15 or 20 min. I hope that makes sense. Before long, you'll see a change in the frequency and the length of cries before she is more willing to fall asleep on her own. Try this again in the middle of the night if she wakes and cries. Best to you and esp your granddaughter!

After your evening ritual and the lights are out site with her each night for a short period of time. Each night there after you sit a little further away from her bed until your at the door. This could take some time but it will get you to the point of not having to sit in there at all. I saw this on super nanny and it does work. She says though when you get up and leave the room - if the child gets out of bed you simply walk them back into the room tuck them in and out of the room you go. Within a week the child should be not needing you to sit in there anymore.

HOpe that helps, C.

I am not sure how far along your little one is into her threes, mine was about 3 and a half when we decided that we just couldn't lay with her until she went to sleep anymore. We put up a Disney princess calendar on the side wall where she could see it over her bed, and we really talked it up, saying she was becoming such a big girl, and that she could fall asleep by herself now. We showed her the calendar and said if she got 5 stars on the calendar in a row for going to sleep by herself, and not coming to visit us in the middle of the night/crying, she would be able to go to the store and pick out a special toy. It worked great, but it was important that we had a consistent bedtime routine of bath, books, and then turning out the light. She has a nightlight and we also make sure she has a little stuffed animal to hug and "take care of" when the lights go out. Each morning after she went to sleep by herself, we made a big deal out of her being such a big girl, and drew a star on the previous day of the calendar with a red Sharpie marker. We just kept reminding her that if she got 5 stars in a row, she could get a special toy. She was very proud when she made it five days straight, and though we continue to praise her lots for going to sleep on her own, we haven't had to buy her any more special toys to keep it up. Best of luck, You'll know when she is ready. -M. Margaret

Dear Sue,

I would stick with it. Better to meet needs so she won't be left with insecurities later, like you said. Perhaps you could bring a book and a book light in, so that this is a time you can look forward to each night?

Blessings,
R.

Grandma, you are doing a great job. Please remember, three is very young and (unless it is causing a problem for you) there is nothing wrong with allowing her to sleep with someone who offers the security she is looking for.
I want to add just a little bit to this and hopefully I can help you.
I took all the advice with my first child and never allowed my son to sleep with me. At 6 & 1/2 months he passed away. Several years later I had my daughter and you can bet she is spoiled (which I'm sure your grandaughter is as well) and I allowed her to sleep with me.
When I tried to put her in her own bed she screamed all night. It lasted what seemed like forever and only stopped when I would finally let her get back in bed with me.
Our saving G.?!?!?! I made her a deal, she could either sleep in bed with me in the dark or she could watch nemo in her room (in bed) with no volume.
It was wonderful. Five, maybe ten, minutes into the movie she would KONK out. She's almost three and I still have problems getting her to bed, but Nemo was the key. Maybe once a month she needs to watch nemo to fall asleep. It's a compromise I can deal with.
Also, sometimes she'd rather sleep with me in the dark and I let her. I figure either she NEEDS me on those nights or she knows that I NEED her.
Take care g-ma and KNOW that you are doing the right thing no matter what you do because you are doing it with love.

My son is 3 years old now he will be 4 Oct. 12TH. I had to just let him cry. I made the mastake of letting him sleep with his dad and I when he was born and that wasn't a good thing to do. I had to let him cry it out, It really kicked my but to just let him cry like that. If I had not broken him from sleeping with us he would still be sleeping in my vbed with me That was just to many in one bed. I guess what I'm saying is you need to be strong and make her know that it is OK for her to sleep by her self. Keep check on her but try not to let her see you when you do it. Let her know it's ok if she does see you that just letes her know you are thare for her.It's not going to be easy to just let her cry but you have to let them a little or they will run over you. S.

I agree with some other moms on here. Go along with her longer. I think it's what you both need. (A scence of security) You feel your keeping her safe by giving her the time and love. And sure enough she feels it too, or else she'd be willing to make the transition.
(((HUGS))) for wanting to give her the best...
What a caring grandmother you are.

My son is 6, soon to be 7 and he has just recently started going to bed by himself. I started introducing it when he was around 4 years old. He used to lay on the couch with me until he fell asleep, then I put him is bed. Now that I am pregnent again, it is impossible for me to carry him to the bathroom and off too bed, so I told him from now on, we were going to read a story, then it was time for him to go to bed. He is so busy, he is usually too tired to fight me on it, but he usually does very well with it-now. In the beginning, he would ask us to lay with him, but we just had to tell him, he is a big boy now and needs to get used to going to bed on his own. He is usually out in less than 5 min. after his head hits the pillow and he has a night light. When we first introduced it a couple of years ago, he would get up in the middle of the night and sneak into bed with us. We would let him on occasion, but now my excuse is there is not enough room because Mommy is too big and I walk him back to bed. In comparison, your granddaugher may not be this easy, but if you stay consistant and explain it to where she can understand, it will eventually work! Good Luck!

Having read the other advice this might seem too simple - but it is worth a try. Ther is a toy called Baby Tad - it is a leapfrog toy, but anyway it is a stuffed frog that plays music and teached shapes and colors, but its best feature by far is its nighttime feature - you can set it to play music and light up for a certain number of minutes adn then shut off on its own - maybe she wouldn't fell so scared with company like that? Try it with yo there the whole time at first and then you leave a little sooner each night - seems silly but it worked for my sister-in-law and her boyfriends son!!