Seeking Advice from Someone Reguarding Marriage

You should talk to him and see what he is wanting. If he wants to get back together but just needs a break for now then he should be able to tell you. If he doesn't want a relationship anymore he should tell you this as well.

I commend you for trying to save your marriage. Marriage is very important, especially with 5 children. I honor you for honoring your commitment.
Since you didn't give much detail I would say the first thing to do is PRAY. Pray and serve God, He will give you the answer.

Hi, I am a Licensed therapist and I have been married for 50 years to the same man. It dosen't really matter who makes the first step to repair a relationship, the point is reconnect. If your love is real and you really want your spouse, go for it..reconnect. If he does not respond then you haven't lost anything anyway, you never really had it. But if he loves you back, he will be glad to hear from you. It is your choice..... May God bless you as you make your decision..Peace!

I am not sure what to suggest regarding getting him back there, but one GREAT GREAT book to read that will help keep him home with you is Dr Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (yeah, it sounds a bit sexist but hey, it really works at keeping YOU happy when you can take care of your hubby and keep him happy. Really!)

Give it a try. Pray, let your children know (they must be old enough if you already have a grandchild?) that you want him back, and pray some more. Reach out to him. Don't push, it has to be his choice, but encourage him and let him know he has a safe harbor with you. Good luck.

Hi T.,

Please be more specific on what happened in your marriage, who ended it, how long its been etc. I would love to help you, but I don't have enough info to give you a good honest answer. I would suggest though if your spiritual in any way to either pray,talk to a priest/pastor, meditate etc. Let us know whats going on so we can help you!

Take care,

Molly

Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter are good programs for troubled marriages. There origins are in the Cathoic church, but as a non catholic I didn't find it diffiuclt or uncomfortable at all.

Hi T.,
You didn't mention any reason as to why you are not together, so kind of hard to give a lot of advice. Just off the top of my head,I would say with 5 children this is not your first marriage. With that many people around you might invite him on a you and him only weekend to try and patch things up. Talk about what is going on, and how to resolve them. I have been married for almost 32 years, and one must talk and work thru problems. Not talking only increases the problems, and hurts get held in and never go away. No one finds anybody that is perfect for them all the time. Both parties must sometimes compromise. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, no one is always right all the time. Never call names, and always support each other, even sometimes when you don't want to. After forgiving, do your best not to bring it up again. Good luck and God's Blessings, N.

Hi T.!

You don't give us much to go on. If you have a normal bad marriage turn to Dr. Laura to get back together. I know people have said her book changed their marriage around big time. If you have a verbally abusive bad marriage turn to Patricia Evans from the bay area, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship-how to recognize it and what to do about it and other books. Her website is verbalabuse.com or abusive.com. All the best to you!!
G.

P.S. If he's physically abusive be glad he's gone. Turn to either lady mentioned above for support and Patricia Evans for advice. It must be hard with five children, but you and Grandma can be a good team. Regardless, certainly don't just wait till he "comes around". You didn't say how many of the children are his, but ask yourself, is it time to GET A LAWYER?

How long have you been apart? It's hard to give a blanket answer to such a question, because marital issues are so diverse.

Did he end it or you? That makes a big difference. If you ended it, it will be a lot easier to fix, if he ended it and there is someone else it will be next to impossible to fix it.

Maybe you should add a few more details to your question.

Aminah,
Maybe if you post more info about why things ended, I might be able to suggest something. I do have a question that I think you should ask yourself, though. Why do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you? Unless you cheated on him, or something like that, don't you deserve better?

Unfortunately, without knowing what led up to your not being together, it makes it nearly impossible to be of any specific assistance. The only thing I would suggest, and it will seem really obvious, but consider it: Knowing what you know, what advice would you give one of your children or best friends? Follow it.
If the error/cause was yours, apologize with the addition of, 'when I .....I'm thinking it must make you feel.... This must make you unhappy and I'm sorry. Would you please talk to me about how I should handle...in the future?'
If it's his fault, weigh if the punishment fits the 'crime' and attempt to discuss that with him by using the same terms as above -- 'When this happens, (or you act this way), it makes me feel...and I'm unhappy about that. I'd like to discuss alternatives, are you open?'
Good luck, T.!

T., The answer to your question can only come from the two of you. You don't say how or why you are parted so I can only say that you must search your heart first and use your head about it. If this man has hurt you physically or been so emotionally abusive to you or your children that you had to leave him then you cannot expect to be treated any differently if you reunite. So first, measure the damage from both sides and decide how realistic this request is. Whatever problems you had before you are most likely to have again unless they are addressed and resolved. Some issues cannot ever be resolved and others cannot be forgiven easily. If you were unfaithful or in someway destructive to the relationship, you must take an honest look at that and own it where it is true. If reconciliation is what you truly desire, then you must request it with an honest heart. True reconciliation can only take place if BOTH sides are willing. One person must request forgiveness and the other person must be willing to accept it. Restitution must be made in full and given without reservation or manipulation of the truth. That means financial and emotional restitution.
If you think about this sincerely, with both your head and your heart you may come to an honest decision. Please, please please... give this at least a good 48 hour think. Be sure to ask yourself, "What are the consequences of your actions?" Is this idea likely to hurt people? Is this direction going to lead you into spiritual growth? Are you prepared to be turned down? After at least 48 hrs, if you still feel strongly this is right, then you must contact him and present him with this idea. Do so truthfully and honestly but don't leave out anything that you expect of him or anything that you are prepared to change or make restitution for yourself. If you decide that putting this relationship back together again is NOT good for you and your children after all........use everything that you have learned to find and strengthen a new relationship or to hold your head up and be happiest alone. Blessings to you. I do hope that you find a way to move forward, alone, with this man or in a new relationship. Gramma Sun

I agree with Joanna, Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter are great programs. Marriage Encounter is for marriages that are OK, but could stand for some re-awakening. It is a weekend program that runs from a Friday evening through a Sunday afternoon. Retrouvaille is designed for marriages that have been so damaged, that the climb back is going to take more intensive work than the traditional Marriage Encounter weekend. It, too, runs for a weekend, BUT it also includes some follow-up (shorter) workshops to provide a little more ongoing support in getting your marriage back on its feet. The weekends are presented by couples whose marriages have been there and back...Retrouvaille has an 80% success rate with helping couples put their marriages back together. I have friends who have gone on Retrouvaille weekends and their marriages are living proof of what can happen. You can find local weekends and contacts for your area by visiting their website. I often tell couples that until they have tried Retrouvaille, they haven't exhausted the possibilities of savinig their marriages. God bless!

Its happening to people around me. My friend has been with his wife for 14 years and she wants to leave him. You got your pros and cons of relationships. Its depressing for both parties. I walked out of a 4 1/2 relationship from boredom. Getting a breather is one thing, but it has to be something else. Stress, work, not enough family time, is some factors. For me communication is the most important thing for me. One sided conversations get old after a while. My friend works as a maintenance guy, he sees the changes in his wife, and he's trying to figure out what it is. Sometimes men have a hard time confiding in the wife about what's going on, so its easier to go talk to someone else. I told him to do nice things for her and maybe she will change her mind. Depression is a big thing with women. I suffer from it myself, until I found my first love. We give eachother advice, and it helps alot.
For me not to think of things that stress me out, I keep myself busy. I started listening to music instead of watching tv. Thats a big change for me. Give yourself quiet time, and think things through.

My marriage has recently been through the wringer with the man's middle age crisis thing. .. it has been a long year... or has it been almost two... we have a great counselor and have been working hard ... both of us .. and my husband is starting to come home now a few nights a week ... it is starting to feel 'normal" again...
believe in yourself in spite of it all !!!

Hi T.,

Gail B. has some awesome advice/testimony. I believe that if you haven't already, you should turn to Christ for all things are possible through him. Jubilee Christan Center (www.jubilee.org) in San Jose has some great marriage ministries. There is a marriage conference called, "Weekend to Remember." They finished their tour in the bay area, however they have two in November coming to Monterey. My husband and I are going to that one, which is right around the corner of our 10 yr. anniv. their web site is www.familylife.com, and click on "Attend a Conference". May God bring you peace, comfort, and restoration. May the enemy who comes to destroy be bound and cast out in the name of Jesus.