Seeking Advice from Mom Who Feels like Me

Though I didnt go through quite the same situation with my mother, I kind of felt the same way towards her. She wnet back to college when I was 9 and it left my sister and kind of fending for ourselves... The one thing I can suggest is, if you can farm out the other kids, make some special time for the two of you, go get your nails done, have lunch, or something... just so long it is something you can talk to her while doing. Make sure you praise her a lot for her achievments and let her know she is loved. Or get her a gift, something that she can use as an outlet, maybe some scrapbooking stuff or art supplies. Once she has an outlet she might have something to keep her focused on releasing any ill feelings she may have and she will start focusing on the positive and won't let herself fall further into a self destructive phase... Most importantly, just always remind her how beautiful she is to you and let her know how much she is loved, NO MATTER HOW SHE THINKS SHE LOOKS OR FEELS. I hope this helps. I hated my mom until I had my first son, I was always closer with my dad cause he did all of those things for me. We used to go for coffee every Sunday morning and he bought me a sketchbook and some drawing pencils, which really meant a lot to me. So... I guess I can kind of add a little from that point of view.

Hi M.:

Right now, your daughter needs you more than ever. First of all to begin tackling the overweight issue because in will only get worse. Therapy for you both is an excellent idea. If you are that uncomfortable and think you can't handle going together, perhaps go separately at first for a few weeks and then integrate the sessions. This help you both to get off your chest how you feel and then work together to create a solution.

Also, a couple of other things to do are: take one day of each month to do something special with just your daughter. Make it something that she enjoys even if you don't. But, if it's not something you enjoy take part anyway to show her that she is so important to you that you want to do this with her. And, if she thinks she's ugly...help her to learn to do her hair really nice. Help her to learn what it takes to look like a Diva. Doesn't mean let her spend hours on end making herself look good, but if there is something special to go to, then she'll know how to get ready on her own and she knows she can look FABULOUS.

Good luck and let me know how it goes. My sister was overweight and thought she was ugly at that age too. I spent special time with her, Mom was always too busy. And now she's gorgeous and has better self-esteem.

Some good advice here already. I would add that as the daughter of 2 VERY flawed parents I was always able to forgive my dad but questioned my mother's motives. Why? He was genuinely sorry, she had excuses and "reasons". Usually it was "my fault" she was that way, you know. Uh huh..... GO do the therapy with her. I think you will find she only wants you, wants to have you really listen to her, and she wants to forgive you and be close. She just wants mom to love and accept her. You are beating yourself up more than she ever would, trust me. As for the pretty / ugly stuff, a healthy male role model (dad or stepdad?) would have more credibility at this point. She may still say they "have to say that" but she may giggle, too (meaning she wants to hear it). She will believe it coming from them. Yes, it's all because they're guys, lol! Better she seeks their approval and love than that of a 15 yr old with raging hormones!

P.S.- I would NOT say much if anything about the extra weight. Perhaps a mother / daughter activity could help there? Simple as an evening walk for 20 mins. to chat.... just the 2 of you. Just an idea.

Just wanted to say hey and hang in there. I have a blended family too. My son 7yrs, step-daughter 8yrs, step-son 11yrs (with ADHD) and pregnant due in july. My husband's ex-wife dropped off they're two kids a few yrs ago and never came back! Having a blended family is extreemly difficult. I always feel like someone's needs arent being met (it's usually mine lol). I have become almost resentful of my step-kids because I can't be there more for my son. I went to catholic charities a few yrs ago when this began for about a yr and did good, got some ideas on handleing everything. Recently I have gone back to the same place. I can't stand feeling so guilty all the time. I think counseling is great. I'm not that far in to share my success stories yet, but it's something to think about. This is something you can start for yourself, then maybe involve the family at some point. I know for myself, when i'm doing good, my kids get in-line with that and do good also.
hang in there

J.

HI M.,

The fact that you may not have been there for your daughter as much as you'd have like may have contributed to struggles now, there must have been some other factors as well. Change can be incredibly stressful for any child nad for whatever reason it sounds like she did not have healthy enough coping skills to get through all that change. There may also have been some issues with friends at school that you may not know about. The first step is to stop blaming yourself because when we blame, we get stuck. I can empathize with not wanting to bring her to therapy to hear how badly you've hurt her, however it shouldn't be about you right now. It sounds like she has low self-esteem and I'm going to guess depression. Adolescents with low self-esteem and depression are at risk for falling in with the wrong crowd, engaging in risky behaviors at early ages (sex, drugs, eating disorders, self-injury...etc. Helping her build that self-esteem and learn to cope with depression now will be much easier than addressing it after a crisis has occurred. I know I've made mistakes with my sons at times but your daughter would not want you to dwell on it. Children are also very forgiving of parents. It is what you do now that matters most. I also wonder if you are envisioning therapy as more painful a process than it will be for you and her. If anything, she may enjoy going and bring her (even against her will) shows her that you have been listening and care.

Maybe some regular mom-daughter time or project would be a help. You said she is overweight and that you want to quit smoking. So why don't you two start some kind of exclusive exercise club - going for walks, etc. Get 2 pedometers (get the cheap ones - the expensive are only prettier not better) and each of you record the number of steps you take each day. It will give you a new kind of connection with each other, and you will both benefit physically. You could even have incentives - like when you reach xxxx steps, you both go for manicures or something. (by the way, 2,000 steps is approx 1 mile). Make sure you clip it to your hip - the counter measures footfalls better that way.
(by the way, love your name...mine is M.!)

M.,
It is great that you have realized that your daughter is hurting and needs help. I think that you should DEFINITELY seek therapy for her, separately and with you, also. I know you wrote that you weren't sure if you "can handle hearing how I've hurt her," but I think that is irrelevant now. It is not about what is best for you, it is about what is best for HER. It is time to put her first and do what SHE needs for you to do. I don't mean to sound harsh, i just want to stress that this is the time to help your daughter, before it continues and worsens. I meant it when I said that it is great that you realize your mistakes...many parents never take responsibility. I wish you lots of luck and let me know how things go.
J.

Forgiveness is something we give ourselves. You need to forgive yourself for what you did in the past, you cannot change it. The only thing you can do is go on from here. I think not listening to what your daughter wants to say to you, would be the easy way out and not beneficial in the long run. Let her go off and get it all out, put it all out in the open and it will be like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders and could really help her out. You also need to be open and honest about with her about what was going on with you in those years. This conversation will bring you relationship to a different level. If she feels she can be open with you about something that has really hurt her and sees you doing the same with her, than she will be more open with you about other things. It may be a difficult/painful day or two but in the long run you will be glad you did it. Take a deep breath, stand strong and just let her vent. She will be miserable until you decide to face the truth (or her interpretation of the truth). She really needs to have a have a heart to heart with you, with neither of you holding anything back. You will be happy for this in the long run.

Sounds like you have alot on your plate. Why don't you try including your daughter in some of it. Like when you make dinner ask her to pick a dish she wants then teach her how to make it so that you can spend quality time and still get stuff done. Or set a day once every couple of weeks or once a month where you and her just go out and spend a couple of hours together doing what she likes or wants to do.
If your concerned about her weight look at the way everyone in your house is eating and see if it can change to be more supportive of a healthy life. My mom worked two jobs when I was growing up and these are some of the things she did to stay more connected to me when time was short. Your not a bad mom if you were you wouldn't care about your daughters low self-esteem or whether or not you had enough time for her. Therapy might also be an option because if she is suffering from depression it's nothing you've done. It's a chemical inbalance in her brain probably brought on by puberty. I suffered from it as a teen and still deal with it daily.
Hope this helps Allie

Hi M.. I had a very close friend growing up and she always had issues with her mother along the same line. She had and still has so much hurt because it was never dealt with. She always felt unloved by her, etc. I'm telling you this, because from my experience in talking to my friend, I know that all she ever wanted from her mom is that she would make an effort, and show that she loved her. Even though going through counseling together may be hurtful becuase you have to hear those things, it will also bring incredible healing. If you could think past the "confession" part of counseling where it will be hard to listen and see all the benefits it will bring you for so many years to come. You could have a close relationship with your daughter and she will ALWAYS need you. I just really wanted to encourage you to take control of this situation and mend it. My mom passed away when I was 13 and yeah, I missed her then, but it's NOTHING compared to how I feel now that I have my own children. I so wish I could talk to her and ask her how me and my brothers were as babies, kids, and just have her as a companion. It's just a priceless relationship. Go for it. Don't look back and don't fear. God bless you and your daughter and may He bring complete healing in your relationship with each other!!!

Write a letter to your daughter.

Then start a journal that she knows about but only you write in. And, tell her you want to fill it with memories of just you and her. And, then, start planning special events with just you and her. Movies, dinners, a play, maybe a weekend getaway. Start working out with her. A jog in the morning or walk at night. Even do some light weight-training at home. Work out to fun DVDs! Have some laughs. And, you have to make sure you're setting the example of a strong, confident woman as well. She will follow you.

Apologize for what you felt was "lost time" with her and then move on from it. When she's older, she will realize what that only an incredible woman could take on so much.

Well i don't think adopting another child when you are having problems with your daughter to have been the best solution. It kinda adds fat to the fire "pardon my pun". Have you thought of family therapy to work out the issues

M.,

Wow! Alot to handle for anyone! I have a younger daughter who is Bi-Polar, she and her sister are four years apart. I had to spend two years concentrating on my younger daughter when she was diagnosed and basically missed the last two years of my older daughters' high school years. My older daughter was very upset, angry and quite bitter about her younger sister taking so much of my time. Then my older daughter became very sick at college and had to withdraw (diagnosed later with Crohn's disease) and I had to spend almost 8 months exclusively with her for operations and getting things under control. Now my younger daughter became very resentful and angry. I couldnt win, there just wasnt enough of me to go around and I ended up hurting someone no matter how hard I tried. I am single so I did this alone, and felt I wasnt doing anything the right way. I had to sit the girls down and explain how everyone has special needs at times and that I was doing the best I could, and that I knew each had felt left out at times. I gave each one a beauty day at the hairdressers, each got a special cut and highlight (which they loved). I then tried to designate one day(or night) a week for at least a few hours, to be "their" day. We walked the mall, went to cheap movies, did each others' nails-ect. You could even have a hair day at home, you do hers and let her do whatever she wants with yours.(YIKES!) There still arent enough hours in the day sometimes, or days in the week, but the little extra time I try to be there for the girls made a big difference. These are hard years with a girl in particular, and if her attitude stays down, send her to a good psychologist by herself at first. Sometimes they vent better without you there, just make sure you find one she likes. I went through about 4! Good luck, you made the right decision for your family and thats what counts! Let us know how it goes please!

L.

Going to get councelling is a good thing.Maybe your daughter can get some things out how she truly feels.As adults i dont think were ever ready to hear the truth but it better that way cause i know for myself id rather my kids tell me the truth than feel like they cant talk to me.My youngest is now 13 and hes been having trouble in school so now im finally taking him to councelling.Its hard for me everyday cause i hold to too much guilt and i to think way to much to the point that i drive myself crazy.I know i cant change my past but i try to make it better now.Its never going to be perfect cause thats life but as long as you put your best foot foward thats all that is required of us as parrents.Hope all is well with you and your daughter.