Seeking Advice for Absent Parents

I would enforce how much his mother loves him and wants to be with him, but is sick. No need to explain sick how until he is old enough to understand. Just keep telling him all the people that love him and can be around him atm.

J. and J.'s son,

My cousin was in the same situation, and 3 years into the separation, his mom wanted to be involved in his life again. My uncle used to just tell him that his mom is sick and has to get better. When she's all better, she'll come back, but she loves him so much that she doesn't want him to get sick.

As far as your grandson calling you grandma, my nephew used to call me mom. I would just ignore it and respond appropriately. For instance, he'd say "Mommy, can I have some milk" and I'd respond "No, problem. Aunt K. will get you some milk." I think he did it because he heard my son call me mommy and just did the same. I just felt that I did't want to "hurt his feelings" by correcting him, like "I'm not your mommy, I'm Aunt K.". It went on for a month or 2, but now, he calls me Aunt K..

Best of luck!

My heart and prayers go out to you. My step-mom passed away when her daughter (my half-sister) was about 3 years old. In some ways, you’re situation is almost worse than a death because she is still alive and not in your lives. But, at least there is hope that she will get better and be able to become a part of his life again.
I would stay on his level by saying simply that she is sick and not well enough to be around you, and that her sickness could make your whole family sick & that is why she can’t be with you. I would stay positive in your talks about her and pray for her with him that she would get better. I think that will help you both. It may also be very beneficial to contact a family or child therapist who could work with you both to help make sure that he can express his feelings in a healthy way. Children that young have a hard time telling you how they feel and often express strong emotions through anger and outbursts. Thank you for reaching out for help. God Bless!

I have had friends explain to their children, (which I am amazed they can do it so lovingly), that sometimes when we get older we make make choices that take us down difficult paths. It is hard to try and find your way back. They have then explained that their parent is a good person who has made some bad choices that have made them very ill. They have explained that sometimes it is difficult to help these people so the best thing we can do is pray for them every night to get better. This gives them a feeling of love to their parent while feeling that they are not powerless.

Maybe if he wants to know about all the good things his mother did before she made negative choices you could share those with him.

When he is older (maybe teenager), you may be able to share with him that his mother is addicted to drugs but spare him the details of your bad memories.

Perhaps after this brief conversation you could talk about all the people that are in you and your child's life and explain all the ways you are thankful for those people. This will reinforce that your child is not alone and is loved.

Hi J.,

My hats off to you!!!!!!!!! I had discussion with my 14 yrs old son a couple of days ago. I said to him " be honest and let the child know what is going on but in him language. Kids at that age are looking at Cartoon Network, take one of the show and fit it into his life." He had asked that because he has seen more Woman as Single Parents than Men and one of his classmates is living with his Dad (just like you and your son). Donna S give the best suggestion, introduce him to Strong Loving Women

You keep Strong, your son would love you for been who you are a Strong Caring Man.

J.

I don't know what the right answer is, but my goddaughter's family is in a similar place... only it's her father who has the issues. When she asks, her mom tells her that daddy loves her very much- so much that he needs to correct some things in his life so he can be a goood daddy and that she will understand when she is older (she is 6 and her dad has on'y seen her 4 or 5 times). She seems to be okay with this explanation until he decides to show up, which he only does to hurt her mom. I think it is important to not say negative things, but to try to make him understand that her absence is no reflection on him. He needs to know that he is not the problem. It sounds like you are doing a great job raisng him, so just continue to go with your heart. I know it is hard to see your little guy hurting, but there will be a time when he can understand adult issues. I hope this helps!

Oh, we single mamas feel for you! You're a great guy for doing what's best for your boy. I recommend ( even though you're a guy!) a book that's been invaluable to me:
"The Complete Single Mother" by Engber and Klungness. Probably 90% of the material will be relevant to you. They would suggest that you explain to your boy that his mom loves him, but has a sickness that keep her from being a good mom to him right now. I hope the boy's mother finds the strength to become a good part of his life again. Best wishes to you!

First off, you're awesome.

I would tell him if he asks that his mom is sick and she's getting help to get better. And when she is all better she will come back and help take care of him.

Don't focus to much on her not being there, instead focus on what he does have. Ie, you, your parents, her parents, etc. Focus on the positive not the negative.

Keep us posted.

Hi J.,

I have a female friend in the same situation with her sons father. She tells him that his father loves him but is sick and can't visit him right now. It is true he has an addiction that is an illness (sort of in in my mind, but believed by many). Anyway, this leaves the door open for her return after she gets treated.

That is a tough situation. My sister has to deal with that with her boys. She had her boys young and she tells them that some people just aren't ready to have kids but their dad loves them. They have a male figure in their lives now so they don't miss him. But they also never really knew him...he left when they were very young. I think if you have a supportive family that loves him...he'll be okay, just make sure that everyone is telling him the same thing. He will get very confused if everyone is telling him something different. In her situation you may be able to tell him that she isn't feeling well and/or has some things that she needs to take care of before she can come back. Addictive behavior is a disease...I have issues in my family also. It's like a disease that you can't cure. I wouldn't scare him but just be as honest as you can be with a 4 yr old. I have always been honest with my son about things and he's pretty well adjusted. I'm sorry I don't have great advice for you...it's really is a tough situation.

J. Welcome to Mamasourse! It's great that you stepped up and took on your son, a lot of guys would let their parents take over...You are a great DAD!

Tell your son the "age appropriate" truth. Like: "Mom has big problems she needs to work out on her own. Someday, when everything is better for her you might be able to see her. All we can do til then is have a good life together. Just you and me pal!"

As he gets older you will have to decide what information he needs and can handle. But always try to be as honest as you can without any displays of bitterness or anger. It is a hard situation for you both, don't ever let it come between you because of bitterness, anger or hurt. There's enough of that in life already without buying more if you know what I mean. Best wishes!

As for your question if you should corretet him. Yes, if it helps have him call you mom-mom. That is what my boys call there grandmother, because she was a sec mother to them when it was rough for me to be there when i was trying to work or go to school. And it is great when the grandparents are there are supportive of the parents or parent that is left to carry all the pieces.

Kudos to you for being on mamasource and seeking help. I commend you and I feel for you in this situation. I really don't know what to tell you. I can empathize with you on how hard it is to answer that question though.My husband is deployed quite often and my son is always asking for Dada, he is still very young and dada does come home , but the quesstion is really tough in your situation. Your son is so lucky to have a father and other family to guide and raise him. I would remind him of that all the time. I would also make sure you say it is not his fault, and that mommy does love him. Maybe just a simple answer (till he is older) like that life is sometimes hard for adults, and they have to go away and think about things kind of like a time out for kids. Maybe (depending on how old he is) you can have him make pictures of things he did or write about what he did and keep it in a special place for when and if mommy comes home.
I really am sorry for you situation, these are just a few ideas that I hope will help. Keep doing an awesome job and keep your head up.
M.

Who is J. L?

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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Hi! (I am assuming that you are not J. lol).

I think it's so great that you want to protect your son and find answers to his questions. I am a Single Mom (by Choice or SMC), and so the "where is my other parent?" question is one that is always on my mind, and I have been listening to a CD on the subject.

In your case, could you tell you son just that his mom is sick? Without knowing all the details, if it would be honest, could you also tell him that his Mommy loves him, but is just too sick to be around him right now? That is will take a REALLY long time for her to get better, so for right now, your family is just Dad and Son?

It's really the truth, and at 4, it's a concept he can understand without putting too much onto his young psyche.

I'd be cautious in going overboard i.e. Mommy loves you so much but just can't be here, if you think she may never be back in his life or will always be indifferent. You and his grandmom are the two people in the world he has to trust, now that his mom has broken it with her. If you tell him something just to make him feel better, at some point it will damage his trust in you, and that is one more hurt he doesn't need.

I also strongly encourage you to get him into some sort of therapy - it may help for him to talk to someone who can help him without the same emotional load that you carry. I have a couple of names if you are interested.

My heart is aching for your son, and I hope his Mom can heal to the extent that she can be a part of his life.

Hope I helped and email if there is anything else I can do.

C.

In this delicate situation I would say that she is sick. I would say the medicine that she takes makes her sicker, not better (If he asks why medicine can't help her feel better). If you pray at night I would include her in the prayers so if she manages to leave her addiction behind you don't have a child that resents her (or just resents her less)or has guilt over his feeling related to his mother.

Much praise to you over your decision to be a single parent. I would say that perhaps you should seek a support group for this issue or a group relatee to loving someone who has an addiction. There is a lot more support for single mothers then fathers. Don't forget to take care of yourself too :)

First let me say thank you for having the strength to raise this boy by yourself, without his mother. I have had several addictions in my family andin charge of a child is NO place for an addict to be. They just make wrong, irrational choices and they make them far too often to be in any situation that could affect a child. He is better off without a mother right now than he is with an addicted mother. But you already know that!
I would just be honest with your son and tell him that while his mom loves him very much, she is sick and needs to get well before she can be with him again. I think the simpler you keep it the better. Also, make sure he has grandmas, aunts and other women in his life.
Best of luck you you and your son. He's lucky to have you.

****OK Grandma! This part is for you--I'd let him call you anything he wants! If it makes him feel better around his friends to call you "mom" then OK. I'm sure he knows you are his Grandma, not his mom, but make sure he does. He's lucky to have you and your son in his corner.

Hi! What's your name? You should be proud and not embarassed. Please continue to come here for advice. There are so many wise (mostly) women here to help you. When your boy calls you "mom" it must make your heart ache for him. But to him it seems completely natural. Let him call you "Mom" and just smile knowling that you are everything to him that the other kids are blessed to have. Other people will understand. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
God bless you! The choice you made is not the easy choice, but it is the most rewarding choice. Ask any of us!
N

The best advice I can give you is to tell your son that mommy had to go away to get some help from doctors and that as soon as she is better she will contact him or that mommy had to go away for a while but will be back as soon as she can. Your son is young so a situation like this is very difficult to explain. You have to tell him what you feel is best for him. I commend you for doing everything you can to be there for your son and taking care of him and I hope that one day it all works out. It's not often we see a single father in the role and typical single mother plays and I give you a round of applause.

Hi J.,

See that your son has a relationship with a female family member who is nurturing and take on the role as a surrogate mom as a replacement for his mother.

Go to support group meetings for family and friends of alcholics or drug users. These groups will help you to focus on yourself and not on the addicted person.

When your son asks about his mother, give simple short answers that are not derogatory to his mother.

Good luck. Thanks for being a responsible, caring man.

D.

I just rented Pursuit of Happiness last night (see it if you haven't to pump you up as a single dad), and when his son asked if mommy left because of him, he said, "Mommy left because of Mommy, it had nothing to do with you." Make sure you give him that message, and that he is loved by everyone in his life, and maybe if mommy gets better, she'll come back but meanwhile, you guys have a lot to be thankful for. Keep up the awesome work making his life full and happy in the moment with everyone he has. All he has is the here and now. If you make it great, there won't be much room for his mind to reflect on sad things. Best to you!