Seeking Advice - Spring,TX

Good A.M. Briaan!

Accept their efforts to see their grandbaby. Put the past behind you and simply move ahead. All of us have a past we would like to put behind us.

Lotsa luck!

i have a nasty mil too. id say no. do what you want. she does. this is your baby. and she doesnt sound like a person id want my baby around. good luck i hope this helps some.

Unfortnately, most of us have these in our family. I would not eliminate them from seeing the baby but I would not impose and go out of your way either.

I would suggest that they call before you come over. When questioned, I would simply say that you are exhausted and trying to establish a schedule with the baby. End of story!

Hope this helps!
N.

Hi B. --

This is never an easy situation. And you have to listen to everyone's own experiences and determine what works best in your situation. So here's my story.
My mother-in-law and I got along 'ok' before my boys were born because me husband wanted it. She took credit for everything my husband did in his life (except marrying me). And she was very quick to demand praise and thanks for it. In reality, he struggled for a while and ended up putting himself through school without her help.
He saw and understood what was going on, but, after all she is his mother and he didn't want to hurt their relationship. So, when I got pregnant with my first son I tried to include her as much as I could tolerate. Now, my sons love her. And when she is at my house she adores them. I only make an effort when she does. Meaning, she has to come to see us before I will pack the kids up to go see her. And it took me about 2 years before I let her babysit. And that was only for an hour or so while I ran to the store.
We've built a new relationship since the kids were born. I had to let go of a lot of anger and resentment. But, at the same time, she had to earn my trust. I guess my long drawn out point it that grandchildren do change people. Just make sure, if you do decide to let her have a relationship with your daughter, that it is a healthy one. And most of all, one that you feel comfortable with.

Good luck with your mother-in-law. And congratulations on your daughter!

A.

What an awful situation....has your husband talked to his mother about this? Perhaps family counseling would help....with those two going first....so your husband can talk- in a "neutral setting" (i.e. counselor's office) about the hurt and resentment he still holds. Has he ever told her how he feels? If not, he should...I don't know if your husband is the "type" to keep his emotions hidden, but that would definently need to come out......might even strengthen their relationship in the long run....as well as let her know that she IS lucky to have the opportunity to see her grandchild. I'm sure it takes alot of strength for both of you when she comes around....so you should face it head on....otherwise, with your child being so young.....you will be dealing with these feelings for a long time to come.

She is extremely lucky that you two DO allow her to see your child, much less allowing her in your lives period.

(P.S. I know an AWESOME....let me stress AWESOME family counselor, if you need a reference)

Good luck.....

A. B.

I think you and your husband need to change the way you look at this now, because you a have a baby that completely depends on you to protect her in every way even if that is from family. If you do not feel that she should be around dont allow her to be, you do not want her to emotionally scar your child. Children always know when things aren't right. I have two little girls myself 2.5 and 15 mths and I have been thru this with my own mother. I have held on with the hopes she will change, but I have now realized she is not going to but I am not going to allow her to ruin the rest of my life. My family is my life now and my mom just carried me. Think of what role models you want in your little girls life. My husband made an interesting comment to me the other day and it changed my thinking. He said "I am raising a wife and mom" WOW, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I only want good people in my girls lives. I want them to be strong women. How weird does that sound?? Let go of the bad and those who are bad you have a bigger picture to look at.

Hi B.,
Protect your child at all costs. Go with your gut instinct. Your mother-in-law doesn't sound like a safe person. It seems she is trying to make up for the fact that she abandoned her own children by spending time with her grandchild. So you don't look like the "bad guy" you may simply invite her to accompany you on outings like the park or the mall (i.e. supervised visits) but if you don't want to leave your baby alone with her then you don't need an excuse!! Don't worry about politeness, when you get that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach it's for a good reason. Better safe than sorry.

God bless you and best of luck with this.

there is no question that when people have grandkids, it often changes things and the way they act. for some people, it may even be like a second chance to enjoy children, especially if they didn't with their own for one reason or another. that may possibly be what your mother in law may be doing, even unknowingly. if she wants to love the baby and hold her etc., that's good.
as for all of the other details that irk you and you are uncomfortable with, like not helping, then you need to talk to your husband; don't be the bad guy. my in laws are wonderful but even they can irk me at times. however, i never get involved. i talk to my husband about what is specifically bothering me and then tell him how i would like it to change. we discuss it until we reach a decision we both agree is best. then i let HIM DO ALL OF THE TALKING to his mom. it works really well. of course, there are many occasions where i repeat the same thing to his mother when i'm alone with her or on the phone. the key is for you and your husband to see eye to eye. he needs to understand moms need to be comfortable with who cares for their children and all the things involved therein. if you harbor any hate toward them, the way they talk to you or their lack of help, then it's hard to let them love your baby. so my main suggestion is to start with your husband. getting on the same page with him will give you a lot of peace in the whole matter.

My monster-in-law is quite a peach as well. My advise to you is to make it ONLY dinner out affairs... That way, you can eat with both hands while she plays with the baby. It's short, nice, and then you don't have to deal with her being in your space (your home). Take a picture of the 2 of them together, frame it, and give it to her. I don't know why, but I took A LOT of the "I GOTTA SEE HIM" away in her mind. Good luck! If all else fails.. just get "busy" and not have time to see her.

My inlaws SUCK!!!! They never help us with anything. In fact, they feel that we owe them because they had to pay to raise my husband. (come on!!!) My oldest daughter just turned 6. They have seen her about once a year and that is only because they need my husband to fix their computer. In fact, the day that I came home from the hospital after having my newest child, they were sitting in my driveway waiting for us to get home. Did they want to see the baby...NO! They didn't even acknowledge her. They simply got their computer out and handed it to my husband.

SO...I don't make an effort to see them at all. If they want to see my kids, they can make the effort. I won't throw them out...well, without good reason. But my children will never leave my house with them. They don't really seem to care until they hear my parents (who live two states away) talk about how often they see them (they come up here or pay for us to go down there every few months.)

I am just thankful that they are content to stay away from us. I don't even talk to my kids about them. Oh they know that the exist but that's about it. I would rather my kids had no grandpaernts then grandparents who didn't care.

Hi B.,
First of all, take a deep breath and calm down. This definitely has happened to before. My sister did it to her daughter. I raised my niece while she went to bars and partied. Then when my niece married and had a baby, all of the sudden she's the proud grandmother. Your best way to handle this is for you to set the circumstances of the visits. Make it a point to invite her over for dinner once a in while so she doesn't have to call and ask for time with the baby. Keep it very formal. Dinner and a tv show or something on a set schedule. If you do it on week night, you can shorten the visits because you or your husband might need to get to bed or something. Do not have a confrontation with her. And don't deprive the baby of another grandmother. And most importantly, do not argue with your husband about his family. Do not give them the satisfacion of causing problems. So, get out your calendar and mark every other Tuesday (Dominoe's two for one night) or Wednesday or what ever night you like to have them over. Do not sweat it! Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their visit. Be very formal. This will keep them from feeling like they can just come over when ever.
Good Luck.

Hello there B.,

Wow this is a tough one and many people may or may not agree with me, but the fact of the matter is she is still the baby's grandparent and no matter how she was in her past as raising her own children, she may be different as a grandparent. I mean I have experienced some similar things with my mother in law. She is Asian and is a pain in the butt. Very rude to me at times, tells me I dont discipline my kids enough, never taught my husband responsibility or and true love. My mom was mean to me when I was growing up, but you know when it comes to grand children things are so different. I never really knew my real father until recently, now we have an amazing relationship. You know like I said it is tough only you know her best, I just believe that because she is their gran mother, give it a chance. But with boundaries rules that she needs to respect especially because it is your child. If she doesnt respect your wishes then that is when you cut it off. It seems that your husband agrees somewhat with you, but that is his mother and sometimes no matter how disfunctional they were in the past when you have your own child you just want them to know where they come from. I mean from your husbands point of view.
I hope this helped. Good luck when it comes to your children you just want the best of everything including people around them, but unfortunately sometimes we have to make sacrifices (with boundaries) and give in a little. Take care, Julie

Maybe you could only let them see the kids when you are there. That way you can make sure she isn't doing or saying anything that isn't appropriate.

My parents want nothing to do with my kids and my husbands parents are only slightly more interested in our kids. You are somewhat lucky that they want to be involved at all. Good luck.
T.

Wow I could have written part of that myself. My in-laws weren't so bad before we had kids but man after that its like Im of no use to them anymore. I guess i gave them grandkids and now I have no worth. Anyway - they were never there to help us (even when my husband lost his job) but my parents have doen SOOO much for us. Thankfully my inlaws live in the Dallas area and can't just pop over, but when they want to see the kids we agree on a weekend and I just deal with it. I try to keep myself busy so Im not sitting with them listening to their complaining about how we do things. I agree with what someone else said - try the visits out - for dinner. It'd be a much less stressful situation out in a public place than at your home.

Life is just too short for this type of stress. The woman may be your husband's birth mother but sounds like that is all. If she has caused this much pain in his life and now yours the question as a mother should be: "Do I want my children to suffer too". For that is all she is good for, causing pain. It is clear she is self-centered and selfish. Let her go. I had a loveless mother and for 45 years I tried everything to please her, to get her approval and to this day I have not. I finally let her go. We talk once in awhile and that is too much.

I can't say that I have any advice for you, but I can let you know that you are not alone in. My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and we had a daughter last July. So, everyone of course wants to be here to see the baby; and we thought that everyone would be Ok while they were at our house. My husbands mom is a little over dramatic and when she doesn't get all of his (his, not the kids, which makes it even stranger to me) attention she will start acting like a 5 year old. The night before I was going to the hospital to have the baby, my mom's cell phone disappeared. It has been over a year since then and it has still never shown up. My husband knows that his mom did something with it because those are the types of things she would do. I could go on and on, but that would take a novel, so I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel, and it is very frustrating because you feel like there is almost nothing you can do about it. But everytime my mother-in-law comes to our house now, I take everything of value and lock it in our filing cabinet.