Seeking Advice - El Paso,TX

Totally not enough information to help you.

How long have you been separated? What is the custody agreement? Does she know when you are picking her up? Do you just grab her when you feel like being a mom?
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Okay Ly, how was this harsh? Should I project a lot of my life on hers or just ask for more information?

So, looking at the new information yes, you need to be taking her 50% of the time. It isn't easy but that is the only way to make her feel she is important to you.

If you don't have a good relationship with grandma there is a chance that she is playing your mom only wants you around when she is bored games.

Think about it from her point of view, how would you feel if you didn't know when mom was going to pick you up? How would you feel if your mom leaves you with your dad and grandma what sounds like 90% of the time and then once or twice a week picks you up for an outing? It doesn't even sound like she spends the night with you on the weekends. Does she even have her own room, her own place with you?

My best advice to you is take a moment and sit down, try to put yourself in her shoes. I think that will give you a ton of insight as to why she cries when you pick her up. I think it is in part because she doesn't know when it will happen and also because she knows it won't be long enough.

Noilani,

You say you have moved on, however, please know that Grandma's house is your daughter's home for now.

Kids often do cry during such custodial transitions. How long have you been at your new place? Does your daughter have her own room or space there? That is something that's very important to children, because it sends a powerful message that they *belong* to where they are going. Having a room or special dresser/play area is a way of saying "I have made a place here for you...you are welcome."

Kids need a lot of support. If you have a good relationship, do try to work with your daughter's grandmother to help make the transitions as smooth as possible. This means that, even if there is conflict between yourself and your daughter's dad or grandmother, those discussions are not taking place in the presence of your daughter.

If you do decide that you want custody of your daughter, then work toward that end. You don't say what sort of job you have, but if you have a regular schedule, working during the day and caring for your child in the evenings can be done. Single moms do this each and every day. Perhaps this would be a good time to consider your long term plans and goals, and what you want to work toward. Is there a child support agreement in place, and if so, who is paying who?

Above all, remember that your daughter's emotions are hers, and that--while they are painful or uncomfortable to you, they are not wrong. Four is very little to have to do this back-and-forth, so it's up to the adults to make those transitions as smoothly, as friendly, and as confidently as possible. It's up to us to contain our own emotions and allow the child to have their feelings, because they are the ones who truly had ZERO choice in the matter. Be sure NOT to tell your daughter that her crying makes you sad or upsets you. Instead, do try to give her some empathy. "I see you are so sad right now. You really like being with Daddy and Grandma, huh? (acknowledging her distress without judgment) We are going to come back in X days, and you will see them again. (reassurance.)" She needs to know her feelings are acceptable by you--this will help her to feel safe and supported. Remember, this isn't about YOU, this is about her signalling that the transition is upsetting. Once she gets permission from you to have feelings and some empathy, you can also reach out. "I know you are sad, and I am still glad to see you."

Be sure, when you are together, that she is your one and only priority. No boyfriends or friends over, hanging out. Play games with her, color and draw, read books together. Take her to the library and let her pick out a few books to keep at your place. Create small rituals which will become specific to her time with you. (is there a favorite simple meal like mac-n-cheese that she likes? Or light a small candle while eating dinner-- clink your glasses and do 'cheers!' before taking a sip) As a preschool teacher, I can tell you that children thrive on rituals and routines, so be sure to keep her schedule of meals, naps, etc. in synch with the one she has at Grandma's house. Rituals create a sort of psychological 'nest' for children; it creates an ethereal 'space' which allows us to rest, gives familiar form and shape to the day and all of this so supports the child.

Little by little, as you do these things and parent with compassion and understanding (please don't let her run roughshod, do be consistent with discipline), she will adjust to this. Much like daycare, some kids do cry at the drop-off/pick-up transitions for a while, but they do get over it after a while. I think part of this is our acceptance of their feelings-- that we CAN handle them, that those feelings, however unpleasant, are not too big for US as adults. (Because if they are too big for us, what chance does a kid have-- that sends a message that the child is unacceptable and they feel their feelings are too big even for them.)

Keep consistent, create a loving space in your new home for her, and look into your options going forward.

Wait a minute.
You moved out and have your own place, but your daughter mostly lives with Grandma (and her father)?
Being a working parent isn't easy but our kids still live with us.
You sleep more or less 8 hrs a day, you work more or less 8 hrs a day and you have roughly 8 hrs a day to play, feed, bathe, snuggle, read to, interact with your child.
Maybe you and Dad need to switch weeks but when she's with you, she sleeps at YOUR place for the whole week (regardless of after school day care arrangements) - pick her up after you get out of work.
On the one hand I DO believe kids need stability, but shared custody means you get time with your child too and you're not getting enough as it stands right now.

I do wonder if the grandma is saying anything to your daughter But a set schedule of days is important. And when you have her you need to make her your focus. I agree make sure she has a space in your house thats yours and let her help decorate it.

I just wanted to say that I cried every single time I had to leave my grandparents. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
It didn't mean that I loved my parents less. It didn't mean I was an unhappy child.
I cried every time I had to leave my grandparents well into adulthood. Until they passed away. I loved them. It broke my heart to leave them.

I'm extremely sentimental and I always have been. When I was little, after my grandparents came to stay, I begged my mom not to wash the sheets because I could still smell them. It was like still having them with me. After my grandmother died when I was in the second grade, my grandpa came to live with us and then he got his own house. For many years I spent every summer with him (not to mention holidays). He was the best Grandpa ever and I cried my head off, even as an adult, every time I had to leave him. It was the same thing with my dad's mom.

I say this because your daughter may never really get over crying for her grandmother. She's very young. She's been through a lot of changes and transitions. My advice is to not let her crying get you all upset. Mirror what she says so that she knows you hear her. "I know you'd like to stay, but we have to go now and grandma isn't going anywhere. You'll see her again Tuesday (or whatever day) and you'll have a great time".

Even though your relationship with grandma isn't "great", enlist her help in reassuring your daughter. Your daughter is little. You and dad don't live together anymore, now you have your own place, maybe she's worried that grandma will go away too. Just a thought.

You might want to look into a counselor that specializes in children of divorce. They have some great tips and tools for helping kids through the transitions. I think your daughter just needs the reasssurance that the people in her world will always be there for her and love her.

I had all the reassurance in the world, but I still cried for my grandparents.
I just really adored them and hated saying goodbye.

I'm still not great with goodbyes.
I'm 49 and I cry every time I leave my mom and my sister.

It's just how I am.

Best wishes.

I'm not sure why she isn't living with you full time. I understand the grandmother works at your daughter's school, so that's great she can take her home after school, but why aren't you picking her up after work? Of course your daughter thinks of grandma's house as "home" because that's where you all lived together and that's where she spends the majority of her time now. She will never think you are more than a part time parent with this arrangement. If you are overwhelmed right now, then by all means let her stay with her grandmother because you want whatever is best for her, but get yourself into a lifestyle where you can take care of your daughter full time. Otherwise maybe the grandmother should have custody and you get visitation.

Well your daughter has been through a lot, I mean all this has probably been so tough on you and you are a grown person imagine having to deal with it all at four. I think if it were me I would just start going every day to get my child regardless of it being late etc. Is there any possible way to change your schedule so you can be off earlier? Is there another job that would work better with mommy life, maybe something that is like 7-4ish? I know that is a longer term idea, but maybe start to think on it and pursue other job ideas. But the main thing is to establish your leadership as her mom. Of course it is hard on her, she lived in that house with you and her daddy and beloved grandma so yeah, she isn't going to like leaving, normal I think. But I think you just have to step in and tell her 'I know you miss grandma, but you will see her soon!' scoop her up and get out of there! This is not exactly the same, but a little bit simlilar I think. After my third was born my mom began to help me a whole lot more which is a total blessing. Well I would be so caught up all the time with a million things with all my kiddos that she would do a lot with the baby. Change him, get him up from naptime, put him down for naptime etc. So, he started wanting her all the time, which is not a problem except when he cried when he came to me, I didn't like that. I didn't say anything about it I just tweeked a few things. When he woke up, I would just ask my mom to cover the other two etc. I wanted to make sure that my bond with the third wasn't getting pushed out by the needs of the older two. It worked awesome. My third still is totally in love with his grandma, but now it is balanced. He comes to all of us and is happy and has a special spot for his grandma which is wonderful but he and are I right on track :) So I think that is what you have to do, regain your mommy hood. I was raised by a single mom too and no matter where we were she always came for us, so I think no matter what begin to go and get her every single day. Try comforting her and letting her know that it's ok to feel sad, but she will see grandma soon :) Then just be a normal mama, try not to compensate or be lenient with her and I think things will get better. Good luck!!

Something you may want to consider

1. a child counselor
2. a schedule that puts the child with the parents as much as possible, not Grandma. Not that Grandma isn't also good for her, but I wonder about the "more convenient" bit. I often stayed with my grandparents in the afternoon when my mom was a single mom but we always went home to OUR house. I think you need to establish a more regular routine that extends your DD's idea of home into your home as well. She is your daughter and if you want to better the relationship, you need to put in the time.

I really don't want to seem mean, but you are taking the easy way out leaving your daughter with her Grandma every day. Grandma is not her mom. You are. Time to step up.

Pick her up EVERYDAY. Those "transition" times everyone loves only confuses kids, in my opinion. Just go whole hog. Yes, it will be difficult as she gets used to being with you all the time, but she will adjust and she will be all the better for it.

I cant tell what the issue is because I'm not sure if she cries for 2o minutes or all evening . My daughter cried every morning when dropped at day care, and many afternoons when picked up from daycare. In between she was very happy. Transitions were very difficult. Could your daughter just have a hard time transistioning?? or does she cry for hours?

Try taking it slowly w/your daughter.
She is comfortable in her current surrounding (@ her grandma's house.
That doesn't mean she won't eventually transition & like being at your
house part of the time. It just takes time & consistency on your part.).

The next few times you see her, can you spend the time their at her
granmother's house? If so, try spending half an hour or an hour there
w/her. If you're not comfortable, explain to the grandma that you want
to make it easy on your daughter so you plan on taking her to the library
the mall or out to eat a few times before having her come over to your
house to stay.

Try that for awhile.

Make sure she has a room of her own at your house w/her things (bed,
toys etc.). If it's a 1 bedroom, take a corner of your room and make it
her room w/her bed against the wall, cute pillow, stuffed animals, cute
comforter in her favorite color etc.

Make sure she has toys of her own at your house.

Stock your kitchen w/her favorite kid-friendly foods (ask her if you don't
know what she likes to eat best).

Spend time doing fun things w/her (making crafts, watching kid cartoons,
taking her to a puppet show or kids play etc.).

Hang in there and give it time.
Work on is slowly in increments.
You can rebuild the relationship w/your daughter but it will take time.
Make her feel comfortable.

Wow, Jo, that was kind of harsh. I do agree we need more info to help you out but it's critical to rebuild that bond between you and your daughter. All kids go through stages where they want to be with someone more than another but this sounds like its a bit more urgent than that. I would talk to Grandma - have a heart to heart. How is your relationship with her? What does Grandma and your daughter do all day? Does Grandma have an agenda? If so she could be feeding into this. . .

Grandma is providing a loving safe home for your daughter.Grandma is stuck in the middle. It cannot be easy for her to let your daughter go with you. I bet she feels terrible watching her leave and making her go with you while she pleads to Grandma to stay.

Your daughter is just 4yrs old, she has not control over her life. She is paying the price for other people's choices. If she doesn't want to be with you and you want to spend time with her and build a bond then you need to put in the time on HER terms. This means YOU may have to spend a lot of time being uncomfortable instead of her. Time to put your daughter first so she isn't scared and miserable.

You do not have a normal mother child relationship (and that's not your daughters fault).You could suck up your pride and call the Grandma and ask to talk with her. Tell Grandma you hate to see your daughter so upset and that you need help learning how to parent. (like we all do).

Work out a schedule where you go to Grandma's house and spend a few hours there with your daughter. Read books, ride bikes, play dolls, cook cakes. Spend quality time with her in her safe place. Meet Grandma and your daughter at the park, pool, ice cream shop or grocery store.
You need to earn your daughters trust and love. If you want her to love you back then you need to be a reliable, loving mom. Show her your trying.

Watch Grandma. I bet she has a lot of experience she would be willing to share with you. You could learn a lot from her. You don't have to like Grandma, you don't have to do everything the way she suggest but if you want your daughter to love you then you will need to work with her for the benefit of your relationship with your daughter. Your daughter will side with Grandma if you cannot get along.No bad words about Dad either.

You reap what you sew. You can turn the situation around and she may never remember feeling this way by the time she is about 8yrs old. Kids want to be loved by their parents. She can forgive you and love you but you have to make some changes starting with no more forced visits to your place alone.