I got pregnant when I was 18, the babys father commited suicide when I was 4 months pregnant, thinking I couldnt handle a kid on my own I was going to put her up for adoption, but my grandma stopped me and said she would take care of her until I decided I was ready to take care of her. Now 2 years later I am married to a wonderful man who loves my daughter as his own. Problem? We live with my grandma cuz she won't let her come live with us. She said the older my daughter gets the easier it will be on her. She said my daughter is not ready for the transition yet. She keeps telling me that I can do whatever I want whenever I want w her but she always says oh u can't take her here or there bcuz I don't think its a good idea. Or she doesn't want to go, she doesn't like me taking her to my inlaws house either.I don't want to cause problems between my grandma and I but I'm getting tired if this. Any suggestions?
Do you have legal arrangements or is it just a verbal agreement? She can't keep you from becoming a full-time mother if it is just a verbal agreement. But a slow transition needs to be worked out. Good luck!
Does she have full custody? What is the entire story? Yes the child will need transition time if she is to move in with you, but if you are fit to be a mother then I don't see why you cant take her if you have custody.
If transitions were easier for older kids, adoption of older kids would be much more common.
It sounds like Grandma is accustomed to calling the shots when it comes to YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. I don't know what the legal arrangment is, but if there is none, it's time to do what you need to do. Tell Grandma it would be helpful if she came to your new place often, maybe every night for awhile, so as to ease the transition.
20 years old is still very young! How long have you been grown and ready to be a mom? How long have you been married to this wonderful man? Have you known him for one year? How long have you been living with Grandmom? Weeks, months or years?
I'm surprised everyone is telling you to grab your daughter and leave Grandmom without knowing anything about this situation. Tell us where do you want to take your daughter that Grandmom says that's a bad idea? Why does Grandmom think it's a bad idea to take her to the inlaws house? Can you get Grandmom together with the inlaws for the holidays? Since you live with Grandmom where are you planning to take your daughter to live? Can you afford a place in a safe neighborhood with a bedroom for your daughter?
Give Grandmom time to see what a great mom you are by staying with her a while and making good decisions. Soo she'll see you are ready and then she can help your daughter by making the transition an easy smooth transition, not a fight!
Sit down and talk to your grandmother find out the reasons behind her requests/restrictions. She is probably not only uncertain about your partner and his family, but also about how involved she'll be after your daughter is back with you. See if you can work out a "visitation schedule" (don't like the term in this situation, but the idea is the same) where you can spend time with your daughter building a family relationship and still give your daughter grandma time. Also, reassure your grandmother that she will always have an important part in your daughter's life and SHOW her that by arranging time to spend with your daughter without being asked or prompted.
Assuming the legalities of the situation allow, you need to sit your grandmother down & have a heart-to-heart discussion with her about this. You need to try to keep your head in this conversation, but it is very important that you have it, and soon. Your grandmother was wonderful to offer to keep your daughter a great time of need for the both of you, however you are now ready to trasition her back into your own home as her full caregiver. I'm sure your grandmother is heartbroken about the thought of no longer being your daughter's 'mother' for lack of a better term, but this was the agreement, and as long as you are in a stable situation, you need to do what you think is in the best interests of your family (your daughter, your husband & yourself).
Did she become the guardian legally? If so, start the process to get her back. If not, if this was all verbal, then start the process to move her out and take your child with you. She is yours, you are ready to raise her. What your grandmother did for you was amazing, and you should show her your gratitude -- card, gift, lots of talking to. Remind her that she's still a big part of her and your life, but it's time. Bottom line, it's time, she's daughter, I decide. If you are really ready to be the mom, then you have to be ready to stand up to your grandmother and assert your plan.
That's wonderful that your Grandmother took her in and congrats to you on getting your life together. Assuming she is not legal guardian, I would tell your Grandmother you are so grateful for what she has done but you're ready to move on and live your life with your daughter and husband. She's going to be hurt, there's no getting around that. But make sure you let your daughter see your Grandmother often. It will be hard on both of them to not be together everyday but they both will adjust. Your daughter is young, it will probably be easier on her than your Grandmother.
Good luck. I wish you and your family a happy life together!
Does your grandma have legal guardianship of your daughter? If not, legally she has no say in what you do with your daughter.
The younger children are, the easier it is. If nothing is legally documented, all you have to do is move out and take her. I hate to say it, but grandma is getting older. The sooner you start this process, the better. If it comes to getting law enforcement to get her out, then it does. Your grandmother is pushing you around right now. She said when you were ready, and you are. Two is young, she won't remember this a year from now. If you are living there, she knows you anyway, so it is not like you are a stranger coming to snatch her away!
If Grandma does not have legal custody, then she cannot tell you what to do, and it is time to move out. The transition will NOT be easier when your daughter gets older, it will be more difficult. Do it now when she is young and wont' remember later. If grandma does not have legal custody, she is not in a position to tell you what you can or cannot do with your child. She is afraid the transition will be hard on HER, and if you were clear that grandma having the baby was temporary, then you need to make this decision and move ahead with it or step back and leave her with grandma. If you signed over legal custody, then you need to hire a lawyer.
I'm sure grandma is doing what she thinks is best, but maybe what's best for her, or she would prefer to think your daughter would be better with her. Perhaps see a child/family counselor together - you, grandma and hubby, to discuss what is really the best way to transition, and maybe if grandma heard from an "expert" that transitions are actually less traumatic when a a child is very young, she will believe it rather than hearing it from you. It also may help for you to really be sure whether you are ready to be her mother fulltime now - just two years have passed, and being married does not make someone mature enough for parenthood, that really has nothing to do with it - it's about you.
I agree with Sandy. I have a feeling there is more to this situation, and it would be interested to hear your grandmothers side.
I hear everyone say you're the mother, but giving birth doesn't make you anymore a mother than putting a bandaid on a child makes someone a nurse.
You were 18 when you were pregnant, 2 years later you've met and married a new man. Sorry for the loss of your daughters father, I'm sure at 18 that had to be an amazing thing to have to deal with. That being said, I have a feeling the grandmother has questions about how ready you really are... you're 20/21 and married. Child at 18... I have a feeling you have a lot of maturing to do before she feels you're ready to mother the child she's cared for since birth.
What's the reasons for not letting him go around the in-laws? Is it a bad family? Does she think it's a bad marriage (doesn't seem like you've been together long), and she doesn't want the child being put into a family situation that's dysfunctional or to eventually end up going through a divorce.
Good luck to your child in whatever it is that happens.
Do you have a legal arrangement? If not I would put your foot down and say that your daughter will be living with you. If there is some legal arrangement you will have to work with someone who can help you figure it out.
Does your grandma live alone? It very likely could be that grandma is lonely and really loves having your daughter around to brighten her day. BUT she is your daughter, let grandma know you apperciate everything and that she will always be a very speical person your daughters life. Let her know that just because your daughter will now be living with you, that you will do your VERY BEST to make sure they see each other often.
Dear A., I think your grandmother was wonderful to raise your daughter for you until you were ready. Now it seems she is not ready for the transition either. I can easily understand how she is attached to the child. I don't have any suggestions for you but I do know this will take some time. Can you speak to her and set a date when your daughter can move in with you and promise to visit often. Can you involve grandma in babysitting? Hope some of the other moms will be able to help.... Grandma Mary
She's your daughter. You are now a grown and married woman. Are you able to provide a safe and loving home for your daughter? If so, then leave with your child. Have a good plan in place though and be sure you show a lot of gratitude to grandma. You don't need her permission unless she is the legal guardian and has to sign guardianship over to you. In that case, seek legal counsel.
The younger your daughter is, the easier it will be for her to make a transition.
If the agreement was verbal, then you have every right to have your daughter. You need to sit and talk with her and be very frank, but kind. She is probably dreading the day the girl leaves, because she has essentially raised her this long. This will be painful and difficult, for her. Yes, she should let you have your daughter. However, she also essentially became *her* daughter in a way. She is probably just stalling and having a very hard time of letting go. I know I would. If she has your daughter through a legal agreement, that's a whole different system. Attain legal council and work through them, or the courts.
I think it is impossible for people to give any thoughts since we are only hearing 1 side of the story. I do think we would need to hear your grandmother's point of view. It wasn't her idea to have the baby so that was an unbelievable commitment for her to take the child and raise her. How long have you been in this relationship-obviously less than 2 years. Are you going to college? Do you have a steady income coming in? You want the most stable situation possible for your daughter....
First off... I had a similar situation when my oldest daughter was born involving my mother. It's tough...but we got through it.
Anyway...if your Grandma does not have legal custody of your daughter, you can take her anywhere you want. Since you two live with her, it's not like you abandoned your daughter. Get a place of your own and take her with you. Notify the authorities prior to leaving that way they have a heads up in case she calls the police and says you kidnapped her. Have your husband petition the courts to adopt your daughter.
I can see where your grandmother would not want her to leave after 2 years, but she's YOUR daughter. You need to put your grandma's needs aside and do what's right for your daughter. Grandma can always get visitation....in writing!!!
Good luck and keep me posted. Email me if you need any other advice to get out of this. Like I said, I've been there.
Nanc
Who has legal custody of your child? If it is you, you need to start in a new home with your husband and child. Allow Grandma visits.
What do you have in the way of a legal arrangement/custody agreement? If nothing, she is your daughter and you will just have to make a stand. If you have signed over custody, guardianship, or have any legal arrangement you are bound by that unless/until you go to court to get it changed....again, you will need to make a stand.
Your grandma is betting you won't.
Best of luck.
legally she is yours it wont be easy just do it good luck
If you are financially stable and don't owe your grandmother anything but your love and appreciation for taking such good care of your daughter during your rough patch, I would just be honest with her and tell her "Grandma, it's time". She is probably very attached to your daughter, as if she were her own. So she feels you are ripping her own child away from her and she's afraid. Have you proven to her that you are capable parents? If you've proven it she shouldnt have anything to worry about.
The younger she is, the easier it will be.
As far as your grandma telling you what to do, that's what grandmas do. She'll be doing it when you're 40!!
She's your daughter. be firm but understand that grandma loves this child and try to be kind about it. can your daughter see her every day if you all move away from grandma? My mom babysits every afternoon for example, and it's the highlight of her day.
shes your kid why are you asking?
