Seeking Advice - Charleston,WV

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Hi M.!

I do understand what you are going through. I have 11 children, five still at home. Two of my boys, are autistic/bipolar, OCD, ODD, ADHD....No matter what I do, someone, finds fault with it. My boys are very heavily medicated and one of them has spent over 800 days, in psychiatric inpatient. It is very difficult for someone to be admitted to a psy. facility. They have to be VERY sick, yet my grown boys say I make this all up.

My boys are very difficult and I care for them by myself. Everyone has their own thoughts to add...Many are against drugs. What people don't understand, is the brain is sick or something in the body, is causing the brain to be sick...Mental illness is a physical illness. The brain was the last "body part" to be studied and we are still far behind. For centuries, mental illness was believed to be caused by witch craft. Most people, I know, who are sick..Go to the doc. and are prescribed medications, which they usually take. Why is it so hard,for others, to accept that mental diseases should be treated the same. I recently went to an event on autism. One person, after another, came up to me, passing out junk literature, on every kind of potion, you could think of...To cure the boys problems. What boobs! Did they honestly think a caring mother, was just going to take some fly -night -venders advice, over a
heavily educated doctors advice.

Sometimes meds. don't work, sometimes there are side effects. Sometimes the meds. work for a while, then stop working. Sometimes one med will work, but then another med., may need to be added, and the first one causes problems. This process is very complicated. The human brain is very complicated. Your child needs you to support him and the rest of the world, needs to just shut up, and leave you alone. You will know what is best, for your little son. I screamed at our psy., last week, and told him I wanted my 7 year old, off of trileptal. He wasn't happy, but complied. That doesn't mean I'm not willing to try a different drug and this child is on a fistful....I just know what is OK for my baby.

I am sorry about the problems with your husband. I'm sorry I can't help you there. My husband lives here, but walks by us, as though we are ghosts. Hasn't spoken to some of us, in years. Your husband probably needs some education, on how to deal with a problem and step aside a bit...Men don't always realize, they aren't the only ones on the planet. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh...Just the way it seems to me. Good luck!

M.,
I had to respond even though I have not been through the exact situation. I have a son with a language delay and I know what its like when you don't know what is wrong and you are trying so hard to find what the problem is and what is the best way to deal with it. At the same time you're trying to hold your daily life and family together. On top of it all you just want your son to be "normal".

While dealing with my son's issues I have learned to not let them rob you of enjoying my son now. Even though there are issues and bad days enjoy the good days and make room for happy times.

You are doing everything that you can. Keep making the best choices that you can and step by step things will come into place. Don't beat yourself up for any decisions that you would have made differently. Just keep looking forward.

It may take time to figure everything out so you have to take care of yourself so that you can make it through to the end. I hope that you have friends you can share with and ways to pamper and de-stress yourself. I know at times I felt alone and didn't want people to know that everything was not perfect in my family. When I got over that it helped me to release some of my own stress.

When we began our journey my husband and I had different perspectives about what the issues were. Sometimes the stress and pressure of it would make me more agitated when talking to him about the situation. We had to realize that we were both on the same team. Talking about how we felt about the situation really helped.

I hope all of the replies you get give you some comfort and good advice.

God Bless

Well you wont get negative from me about med's. I think if one needs them one should take them.

Have you had him tested for food allergies? For some kids foods such as milk, gluten or MSG can trigger lots of reactions. My son, who is 10, was going through similar things this year so we pulled him out of school & school him at home now. He was threatening to runaway back to Texas, said I wasn't his real Mom that he must be adopted and that no one loved him. He was repeating things 20-30 times a day, asking to go to Target or the Apple store ALL the time. That is when I took him completely off gluten, we have celiac disease in our family. Within a week he'd stopped asking to go to those places. Within 2 weeks he'd stopped threatening to run away. His anger has improved but not gone totally away. He still has issues with loud noises and crowds (one thing that set him off at school) but we are seeking help for those issues. But I will NOT put him back on gluten ever as I have seen a big improvement in his behavior w/o it.

I would look into food allergies with an allergist or family doctor. Some kids react badly to food dyes too and yes they can't help their behavior and want to stop as badly as you want them too.

Hope you find answers soon. I know all too well the strain it can put on the family. You & your husband don't let this come between you, you need one another more than ever & you son needs to see you unified on his behalf.

If you lived in the triangle area of North Carolina I would suggest getting a complete evaluation by Developmental Therapy Associates (DTA) to find out if your son has sensory integration issues that are helping to cause his anxiety. You might read The Out-of-Sync Child to see if you recognize your son anywhere in that book. I noticed that in Charleston, WV they have Children's Therapy Clinic. It is for people with no insurance and lower income. If you do not qualify, you might call and ask them for a referral and tell them you are looking for a diagnosis to see if you son needs any type of therapy.

I would also like to suggest using Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It just involves tapping on acupressure points and repeating phrases. Here is an example of using it on separation anxiety for a 6 year old: http://www.emofree.com/Children/separation-anxiety-sore-t...

www.emofree.com has a free manual for learning this simple technique and www.tapping.com will send you a free diagram if you sign up for their newsletter, which you can always cancel later.

I feel for you and hope things get better soon.

M.,
You have gotten a number of good responses, but I think Dawn nailed it! If there was any way at all you could home school I honestly believe that is key to your son's success! He should not be penalized because of this and if there is one thing I detest is all these labels, syndromes, and conditions so freely given these days without teaching the tools on how to overcome conflict and stress. While I believe in some cases some may be relevant, our society simply wants to punish certain behaviors, learning styles, personalities and it's sad. When my husband and I worked at a home for at-risk boys, parents would tell us all the time all the things wrong with their kids: ADHD, OCD, ODD... The list is long. They swore their boys would never respond to our program of getting up the same time everyday, doing early morning chores, eating healthy, behaving at school (we had our own on our campus), doing homework, NO TV, no soda, no candy, no video games and the big one: going to bed at 8:30! We would just nod and within 2 weeks, every boy fell into line. It was not strict. It was consistent, routine, stable and familiar. They felt secure.

M., you likely have a very bright son on your hands who just needs a little guidance from the parents God gave him. The beauty of being able to home school him is that it can be very organic and natural. You said you worked part time at a family owned business. Ask if he could come with you. Give him a job there. Teach horticulture in his lessons, then show him at work. Give him a sense of purpose that is not driven by what society thinks is acceptable. There are soooo many amazing resources out there. I just had a friend take her high school son out of school to home school. He has a form of autism called Ashberger's and the school refused to acknowledge it and he was failing miserably. I went with her to buy some home school curriculum and he is now flying academically! He goes to work with her and does work on his lap top and helps her from time to time. It is amazing the difference it has made in his life.

Your son is young and this would be a perfect time to do this. Focus on his strengths. Teach to them, including character development. I found with my own boys that when we would teach them how to handle conflict and stress, then when they face it, they have the tools. If you have to take your son out of school for a couple years, you can use that time to teach him how to handle stress. Don't depend on a doctor to do that. Empower him yourself. Get hubby involved since you have a son. Get him involved in social activities where you can be a part. Practically every town or county has some sort of home school group that meets for activities. If you join a play group or a co-op class or a tutorial, once your son is comfortable with the surrounding and the people, he will gradually separate and want to play without you. Let him define when he is ready for this. Constantly affirm him and let him know he is okay and normal!

When it comes to academic success and understanding how kids learn, read Cynthis Tobias' "Every Child Can Succeed" and "The Way They Learn". She is funny, easy to read and she was a kid with ADHD growing up. She is very refreshing and you will have a hard time putting down her books. In regard to teaching character, if you are a christian, the book "For Instructions in Righteousness" is amazing. You can use it casually at the dinner table just to engage conversation or actually create bible studies from it that will help him understand how to deal with his world.

I hope this helps. Please let us know what happens. I will pray for you.

Anxiety is real and is only treated with meds. I commend you on listening to your child and not just blowing him off. Starting them kind of meds and finding the balance is hard. It was reccomended to me and my husband to have my step daughter admitted to the hospital to get the meds straight if there started to be problems like you are having. This way they can be monitored closely. Once the meds are straight they send them home. Maybe you could talk to the doc about this. It sounds as if there are more problems then anxiety. Are you taking him to therapy still? If he is on any kind of mood altering drugs he should be going to therapy at least once every 2 wks. I know they say mothers know children best but sometimes as parents we overlook signs that can end up being dangerous. I would say therapy sessions and more if you are already taking him would help a lot. Also trying to have him admitted to the hospital while they straighten up his meds for him. I will pray for you and your family.

Hi,
I am a mom and a social worker. I totally understand how difficult this must be. I have a few questions for you to consider. Did your child attend school last year without a problem? Does he easily separate from you, let's say to visit a relative or have a play date? Did the MD or therapist rule out school phobia? Also the MD should have made you aware that putting young children on anti depressants encourages suicidal thoughts and can increase/cause depression. I am not from NC, but in NY I often worked with families to have their child home schooled while in therapy. This gives the family a chance to work on the presenting problem while not interrupting his education. Also you and your hubby might consider some counseling to help cope/ adjust.

This might sound hokey, but I have gotten so much real help for different issues from seeing a naturopathic physician. It is another option to try since nothing else is working for your son (therapy, drugs, etc). They believe in finding the root cause of the problem and curing it, rather than trying to treat the symptoms. They have so many tricks up their sleeves, and just might be able to get him back on track.

In an initial visit, they will likely spend up to 90 minutes with you/your son, listening to all your concerns and developing a treatment plan. I'm just guessing, but they might change his diet, prescribe supplements (vitamins, minerals, herbs, fish oil, homeopathy, etc), or any other number of things, that won't be harmful. I've been amazed at what my naturopath has done for me, after 15 years of getting nowhere with MDs. Bona fide NDs go to 4 years of naturopathic medical school after college, and have a wealth of knowledge. Some insurance will cover them as primary care physicians, but others won't. Mine didn't, but the help I got and the changes I've made will last a life time. Here's a link where you can search for one: www.naturopathic.org.

Best wishes to your family.

M. -
I truly do feel for you and I hope as this message reaches you, things are looking up :) I just wanted to send you some encouragement. I can absolutely understand wanting do whatever you can to help your child, even if it means medication when there is strong "public" opposition sometimes. You know what is best and your "Mama instinct" will be a sure indicator for you - just make sure to trust in YOURSELF and if you feel like something is not working or you need a change, be patient and keep on loving him through it.

I have a 13 year old who has a counselor who recommended counseling / therapy, etc. for anger management or depression / grief issues & I know I have stayed away from dr's as I have had negative experiences with some being way too casual about trying to solve things with medication alone. We have more good days than bad, but I do know that it's hard on the rough ones to keep believing that it can and WILL get better!

I know this hasn't been much practical advice and I'm sorry, but it's hard when you're feeling frustrated, worried, and there are tensions between spouses over these things. I'll be thinking of you & in the meantime, please feel free to share how things are going!

Get a second opinion. Call your local Child Advocacy Center and ask the names of the three best children's therapists in your community or the nearest larger city. Request a therapist that is a psychiatrist or a psychologist. You need one with a Dr. in front of their name. Go and visit them without your child and choose the one that you think will be the best fit for your child. I am encouraging you to get a second opinion on this situation.

I had a friend whose son liked to play spiderman. She took her son to a therapist that said he was developing multiple personalities and wanted to put him on medication. She got a second opinion and the clinical psychologist said that her son was going through a normal reaction to being sexually abused. He wanted to be a super hero because he thought the juvenile delinquent in their old neighborhood who sexually abused him would not be able to hurt a super hero. Her child had been in therapy for 2 years with no success. He went to the new therapist for less than 6 months and he is doing great now. She was very glad that she got a second opinion.

M.,

There is a field known as 'energy psychology' that might be of help to your son. I don't know exactly how it works, but there is a technique called EFT that I've used for minor issues and I know there are many trained professionals who now use in their practices. This can be far more effective than traditional therapies (and quicker). You can find out more about this by going to www.emofree.com. You can also find practitioners through this website. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

One other thought, have you considered homeschooling, even for the short term, until this is worked through?

Good luck!

K. G

Hi M.. I understand your frustration and pain. I am sorry you are enduring this. I will definitely pray for strength and wisdom for you.

My son used to have serious anxiety attacks and at the time I did not understand what was going on. Unfortunately I think I did more harm than good. I just pray he is a forgiving child.

I did learn that comfort during that crucial time was of upmost importance. Your child is 7. He is probably scared with all of these confusing emotions running through him, especially if he notices that his peers do not share the same fears. And feeling scared makes the anxiety worse.

While you and the doctors continue to find what works best for him continue to tell him he is a normal child, just with some health issues. Every child will have health issues and he is no different. And if he is asking you to take him to the hospital that is a red flag saying "Mommy, I am scared. Something is wrong with me."

My son told me at times that he felt like he was dying. He couldn't understand the feelings he had or how to control them. His neurologist explained anxiety attacks to me this way: Anxiety attacks are like seizures in the way that there doesn't have to be an outside trigger to bring it on and once they start you can't stop them; you have to wait it out.

As for you and your husband: My husband and I have 4 children with special needs. Is it a stresser? You bet! How do we keep our marriage happy and close? We make sure we direct our frustrations at the illnesses, not each other or the children. We communicate daily. We realize that we need each other to get through these tough times. And I make sure I communicate to him clearly what medical issues are going on and which of those cause behavioral problems.

My husband cannot be at every doctor's appt so I either bring home material, find it on the internet, or explain it as best as I can so he is always in the loop.

You both made this child out of love. You need to pull that love together to help your boy get through his most difficult time.

As for you: This health issue is not your fault. As much as every mother wants to, they (you) cannot fix everything. You need to acknowledge your own pain and frustrations and have some time of pampering. It hurts a mother to see a child hurting and then not be able to help them. You need a friend to vent to besides your husband. If he hears all of it then tension will arise and cause a wedge. He needs outside support just as well.

It's ok to shake your fist and say "Why me?" It's not a selfish statement. If you are able to acknowledge your feelings of frustration and deal with them then your son won't sense that frustration and have increased anxiety.

I am not sure of your faith but God is an ever-present help in time of need. He is a great listener, gives great wisdom, and comforts us when we are hurting. Draw your strength from him.

P.S. I read some of your other posts and came across the one about an IEP at school. Well, my son has a 504 plan, similar but not exact. Anyway, due to my son's anxiety we put in his 504 that whenever he sensed anxiety he was allowed to take a walk, no matter what class he was in. And if he needed to get away from people he was allowed to go to the nurse and hang out. All you will need is a diagnosis written up from the doctor and then sit with the school's 504 director and set up a plan. This could help him at school. It definitely made a difference in my son's education.

Hi M.,
I have not read your previous posts about your son. But my main concern is the school issue. He is, seven? Separation anxiety is not in any way abnormal. I don't know how severe it was, but could there be problems at/with school? Are you still a stay at home Mommie? Is there any way to completely stop the meds and let him take a little decompression break at home with you? If all goes well, maybe you could consider homeschooling. Your little boy's emotional and possibly physical wellbeing are at stake here. I would do everything I possibly could to get back that sweet little boy you were talking about. If that meant taking him off all meds and pulling him out of school so he didn't have to have that separation anxiety and stress, I think it would be worth a shot! I hope I don't sound too harsh. I just think you should try all avenues.

M.,
It sounds as if you have your hands really full. What most people don't know is that there is a small portion of the population that SSRI meds like zoloft and prozac have the opposite effect on. Your son may be one of them. That doesn't mean that all is lost. I highly recommend finding a family therapist familiar with anxiety in children who can work with your son and you and your husband. There is a technique called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that can be used either alone or in conjunction with meds (if appropriate and effective) that is very successful. Anxiety is a thought disorder and CBT provides tools and skill training to address those nonproductive thoughts. You and your husband also need guidance on how to join forces to work with your son. He has a medical condition that is as real as diabetes. It just shows up in behavior. You both need to find a way to work together and stay a couple. It is important to take time for yourselves and not just focus on your son's issues. When your son learns these skills, it will give him a sense of control over his feelings which will empower him. Check out www.therapistlocater.net or the Psychology Today website for therapists in your area that specialize in working with children with anxiety. Ask about their familiarity with CBT. There can be light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up hope.

Good luck,
L. D.

Does your child have an IEP at school? If not it is a plan for education of child with disability (presumably he has a diagnosis of anxiety). The IEP can say anything. It is designed specifically for the individual child and includes whatever will may a public education do-able. They could make one where your child goes to school for one hour per day for some period of time and then increase it two and so forth. Maybe something like that would help. Don't feel bad about medications. Sometimes it is necessary and you don't always find the right one right away. Good luck.

I think you are a GREAT mom. You are trying to help your little boy and would got to the ends of the Earth for him. That makes you and GREAT mom. I am not attacking anyone else, I am just pointing out that you are doing fine. When did you go back to work? Have you thought about going to Therapy with him? Maybe he really does not understand what is going on, himself. If I remember correctly he was able to go to school before with no problem, but when he started second grade there is. So, I would think something which just happened recently is the root of the problem. I am also wondering if it is not the meds. causing all the recent behavior. I think the Dr. did a good thing by taking them off right now ,and letting his system adjust. Obviously, you have to leave him sometime when you work .What does he do then? If he lasts anytime in school make arrangements through your therapist and school to maybe let him make phone calls to you or something. I am at a loss and I feel bad for the little guy. Maybe we can do like the Dr. has and just start fresh. Everyday is a new beginning! Just keep swimming!

First of all, bless your heart! I totally understand about negative comments, unless someone is in your exact shoes they do not understand. As long as a mother is trying her best to take care of her child and LOVES them we should support each other not judge! Unfortunately, I have a 2 year old so I have not been in you shoes; however, my niece has been on meds. She is 9 and I know it has taken a long time to find the right dose and med. Has your son always has separation anxiety or is this a new condition he is experiencing? My daughter is 2 and has it horribly! I was wondering if something happened to make him not want to go to school. I would definitely continue therapy. IT sounds liek he may have some underlying problems hwe is dealign with that the meds might be breinging to the surface. It si so hard to see children have depression and anxiety at such an early age! JSut keep reminding him how much he is loved and give him the security he needs. I know the stress is taking a toll on your marriage adn I do not knwo yuor beifs but times like these are when you really have to pray for unity. Our daughrter was very sick and it is easy to lash out at each other when you are exhausted and woprried. Try to talk about it and stand united for your son, It sound sliek he needs all the stability he can get. yOu will be in my prayers! Keep us posted.

Please take a long look at www.feingold.org. Feingold is a 30yr old non-profit organization whose purpose is to inform the public about petroleum-based artificial ingredients in our food supply. These harmful additives cause ADD, ADHD, OCD and many other emotional, behavioral and physical side effects. Feingold is a leading authority on this subject. Your sweet boy could be sensitive to food dyes and artificial preservatives. I know you've only done what you thought was right by listening to the doctor, but those meds are truly very harmful to kids. You're in my prayers.

I think you have some good advice. I just wanted to say you are in my prayers to work through this difficult time.

I am so sad for you and your son. It does sound like he is suffering terribly. I personally had a bout of terrible anxiety that lasted for over a year. And of course they gave me a barrage of medication that didn't do anything. Much like your son it was making things worse. I felt awful
and the meds were making me crazy. I was even hearing things. It turns out I actually had something physically wrong with me causing all of these problems. May I suggest taking him to a medical doctor and explaining he is suffering from severe anxiety and the meds are not working. This to me indicates he could have something going haywire physically. Possible thyroid, adrenal of maybe Mitrae vavle prolapse. Make your doctor check him for these things. Do a blood test, a urine test and an ekg. Just rule it out because the medication won't work if he doesn't need it. Good luck and I will pray for you. Being mentally sick is very real and very painful. Give him more hugs then he can stand because he needs them right now. Big hug to mom from me!!!!

P.S. I am feeling really good now so don't give up hope. It took me a long time to get it together. I thought I would never get well and would end up being crazy forever. One of the things that helped me was to face the anxiety head on. I had to become fearless. This may sound stupid but I would repeat over and over in my mind "I am scared of anxiety attacks." After a while I said it so much I just stopped being scared.

hunny the crying you described where he couldnt calm down sounds like a panic attack. i too have this issue and have since i was about 6. the only way to try to find a med that works is just keep trying them and he should be on them for at LEAST 2 months before switching to a new one. I think when children are so young its hard to find a good working med b/c those little bodys and minds are always growing which changes the chemistry... im no doctor but it makes since to me lol. keep trying meds and you may end up trying some of the same ones again. keep a log of him each time hes on a new med. it sounds like hes very open with you so this will be easy to do. write down what you observe each day. day 1 same day 2 same day 3 a little better ect. also ask him how hes feeling and record that. this way you have a record to show his doctor. if you write down each day you have a tendency to notice positive things too not just negatives that stick out in your mind. also have your son go to his therapist at least once a week maybe 2 times a week to start. im not sure what area you are in but i know of a really great child therapist who kids find it easy to get along with. good luck and if you ever just need some one to talk to i have been there myself and kind of know how your son feels just write me

Some states utilize the K12 online school curriculum. I am not sure about where you live. http://www.k12.com/
Please know that you aren't alone in this situation. Many people have children who are anxious, meds can be very tricky with adults, but even more so with children. You are the best advocate for your child, I know it's hard, but you can do this. Are you keeping a journal? Sometimes, not only can it help us get things out, but you might see a pattern that helps treatment along.

If you live in Louisville Dr. Peggy Fishman###-###-####) is amazing. We give our son L-theanin and 5htp. Or you could try valerian root tincture.None are addictive or have any negative side effects. We had similar problems with our son 2 years ago. I am happy to say with her help and our son's therapist Dr. Julie Murrray he is great!
Good luck,
M.

I too have suffer many problem with myself and my Son who is now an adult and on his own. He has to stay with his meds.
I myself was on amny kind for a long time.
I seem ok for a while then I felt I was going backward with all kinds of emotion.
I seek God's guidness. He show me a way of sdjusting to
what i was going on inside myself.
I found a talent in writing which took the vocus off of me.
I would put down on paper many stories. Different kinds.
Some about what I felt and others about life around me. And all kinds of different dreams of happiness or sad times in my life past till today moments. I been doing this for about 11 years. My Doctor said that my writing has improve my outlook to life right now. I no longer go to him.I feel enough was enough of meds for me. I just found my inner self gift that God gave me.
We all have a hidden talent. Maybe your son has some intrest in something he like to do. It will take some time for he is so young. He got to feel that he can do something very well. this will take the vocus off of him and on other things
that he really likes. Now i am not say that you should not continue to take him to the doctor. You do what you feel is right. Work together with your husband and be together in all you both do. Let your son see you are working together and that you both love him and you all will work together to make it.
Love is the answer.
I will pray for you all.

hey, i can feel where you are, have you tried eliminating things from his diet? with my son, (now 30 yo) he was put on ritalin, i would take him off during summer and weekends, but i found that his diet had a lot to do with his behavior, by process of elimination we cut out anything with red dye, and whole wheat, when he is really out of control look at what he has eaten eliminate it and see if it helps, my son still can not toleerate whole wheat it will put him in a pyschotic episode where he does what you are discribing, some people have a chemical imbalance and certain foods or additives affect that, i have to stay away from monosodium glutamate (msg) causes me migranes and affects breathing changing his diet might help it is worth a try, avoid things like ketchup, and some tomato based pasta sauces read labels keep us posted on how he does and i also will be praying for you and your family as one who has been there and done that

M. - Mayb e another Doctor - here is my concern - I had suicidal thoughts - bad, when I suddenly stopped taking zoloft and it would be the same for prozac so you can't just suddenly take him off any meds - be careful about that - ok?!
Maybe xanax would help with the anxiety and I know a great play therapist - Amy Allen.
I am praying for you
____@____.com
By the way - let him sleep with you if he wants!Life is to short

May God Bless you during this difficult time. I know it is hard to not agreee with spouse on discipline, but you need to have an united front when it comes to discipline. You need to sit down and talk to hubby and come to an agreement on discipline. I would suggest doing this alone without interuptions. Then the next time something comes up you can handle it together. You also need to take care of your marriage. It takes two to have a good marriage so put that on the priorty list. As far as the meds you need to do what is best for your son. Don't let others knock you down for it. Having anxiety is a serious medical condition just like high blood pressure, asthma or diabetes. You would not think twice about meds for those health issues. Good Luck and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

M.,

My brother, Chris, went through the same thing. It happened when he transitioned from Elementary to Middle Grades. He has always been extremely intelligent (borderline genius) but the change was too much for him. When he was in Elementary, he was able to walk to school so he would get there an hour early and be able to have everything prepared and organized and begin work on the daily assignments. When he went to Middle Grades, he had to ride a bus and couldn't get there early which messed up his whole routine (their were also more kids and different teachers). The change was too much for him. He started having severe anxiety attacks. My mom would take him to school in the morning and try to walk him in - he would start crying and couldn't move. For most of his 6th grade year, the school provided him an at home tutor. He also began seeing a psychologist who put him on medication. The psychologist taught us ways to deal with the anxiety. For example, never spring things on him at the last minute (if we were going to go somewhere on the weekend we would tell him the week before and keep reminding him throughout the week). He returned to school the following year. He has had a few episodes through the years, but he learned to work through them. He also made two very close friends who I see as one thing he was able to see as a constant in his life. He is now doing very well. He has graduated college and is, at times, spontaneous. He even tried to be a 911 operator in the DC area...I think that was a little much for him.

All this to say that there is hope. One of the other major changes that happened at the same time was there was a lot of tension between our parents (they later divorced). The tension wasn't because of Chris' anxiety; quite the opposite, I think the anxiety fed off of the tension between our parents. I am not saying that the disorder wouldn't have been there if my parents were getting along...I am saying that it fed on the anxiety and became more severe. I am assuming that your son is in therapy...you and your husband may need some type of marriage counseling as well. The other thing...talk to him and see if there were any major changes at the school that he is concerned about and try to keep everything consistent at home (no surprises). My family went to having a set routine/schedule (yes, both of my parents were working full-time and it was difficult). My family also organized everything to make sure there was a place for everything and everything was in its place (there were five kids in my family so again, I know this is difficult). This helped Chris because he knew exactly what to expect when he got home and he didn't have the anxiety of not knowing where something was.

I hope some of these suggestions work. Good luck. I know it isn't easy, but if you all learn how to cope with the anxiety and ways to ease it when you can, he can lead a very "normal" life. I didn't mean for this to be so long.

Hi M.... first of all you must just relax because all your reactions will create more reactions... I would try to get him interested in music or art first off... maybe something you both can do together... something as simple as a recorder would really connect his brain with music which can do wonders for depression. Art class, ceramics.. something with his hands would be very valuable too... also I would find some hiking trails where you both could go together to blow off some steam... that would be for starters... I would also pick a really good childrens book and start reading it to him so he got fascinated by something... check out top sellers... not something he can necessarily read but some kind of story that he can get into with you... all things to take his mind off what seems to have taken center stage. Start slow to regain his trust with you and if he misses some days of school not the end of the world.. maybe you can home school him with the assignments for a couple weeks until he's ready on his own to see his friends again and go to school.. but just relax... you are doing the best you can... make sure you get some exercize too.

M.,
Your issues are tugging at my heart! I'm so sorry you and your family have to endure this difficult time. I wish I had some good answers for you. Many moms will read this today and have you in their prayers. Remind yourself and your family that you are a team. Even if you don't agree with your husband at times, stick together. It's you against this anxiety afflicting your child. Keep working at it and know it won't last forever. Your love, hope and grace with God's help will see you through this. God bless you!

hi M.

i know you are going thru a rough time right now but hold in there and things will get better over months i know for right now you don't think so but it will.
i have family members and a best friend who is going thru this i have been there all the way for them it is rough and endless nights with no sleep. yes you are right some of the med will give you very bad side effects.have you got your sons thyroids checked sometimes it takes a few times to catch it so. i don't know how old your child is but there are celexa and paxil xr out there you might want to ask your doctor about it does well for my friend she went back to school is doing awesome she had that for along time still battles with it but it is under control the more she is busy the less she has it. i hope for your son to get better soon
for your marriage please you need to talk to your hubby guys have a harder time to understand and sometimes blame them selfs for things what happens if you can you have some one take your son for you take him for a dinner or lunch and talk to him about it or take him to the doctor visit and let him explain it to him that might help too

M.,
I feel your pain. I have an 8yo son who is quite similiar to your son. He's been diagnosed with ADHD, O.D.D, OCD, anxiety disorder... I dont even know what to think anymore. We've moved around a good bit and have seen several docs and counselors who all seem to have a different opinion. My advice to you is just go with your gut feeling. If you don't think something is right or are unhappy with the meds, whatnot, go with your gut. sometimes I think the doctors don't always see them as kids, but rather as patients. Does that make sense? Meds MAY be the best thing for him, but you just haven't found the right one/dose. The doctors will prescribe the cheapest (for ins.co), tried and true medicines first. You may have to go beyond that because there are many - the antianxiety meds also need weeks to get completely working, so immediate results won't happen. You're doing the right thing by taking him to a counselor, as well as seeing a doctor. Have you reached out to his school and teacher? Sometimes having open dialoge with his teacher can do wonders, as they see your son all day, and see him in a different environment.

I know this is frustrating and you're probably at the point where you're questioning which is worse, the meds/doc visits or the original behavior. Just keep focused on your son - and go with your gut. Your little boy IS in there still, hopefully you'll find the right combo to get him out. Good luck to you, and don't give up! He needs you more than ever right now :-)

Dear M.,... I'm so sorry your family in the midst of this crisis. I will relate a story about my DD when she was that age so you know I understand a bit about how intense children can be. My DD was having a hard time with our moving to a new state. She slept in her little brothers room for nearly the first year. When she decided to move back into her own room, she could see our bedroom door. Well she was always smart, and figured out we were 'doing things' when our door was closed. She would scream and cry and carry on for a couple hours! when we closed it. It was so awful, we had an infant and toddler boys, and a hysterical 7 year old. lol Talk about bad for our love life. This went on and I quickly decided we needed to ALWAYS close our door. I figured she would stop being so upset. Did not work.
I mean my husband and I are not public display of affection people, we are very reserved and private. She only knew the basics of how babies were made, but drew the rest in her mind I suppose. We are strict on TV, music etc... I just didn't get it!
Anyhow, end result we moved into a different apartment floor plan. I know drastic right! It had to be done, I'm talking 6 months of this. You know what? she actually thanked me a couple nights in. She told me "Momma thank you I didn't even think about your door tonight, I can't see it and now I'm fine." It was that simple for her.
It really was a very hard time, I was so torn because it felt like we are doing something bad to her ya know?

OK onto you. My first question have you ever tried natural options? Acupuncture, and homeopathic options? Personally I would go that route first. I do go to my medical doctors and get diagnosis, but then I will go home and find natural treatment options when I can. Not always a case you can, but when it comes to anxiety YES there are MANY options with less side effects, and you are not 'labeling' your child then. You can tell them it's a supplement like a vitamin. :O)That can be a very good thing for their view of themselves.
Two have you ever considered Teaching at home? Maybe that sounds like giving in to you. I say to that if doctors are saying put your child on drugs at such a young age, because school is stressing the heck out of him? Which is worse? Teaching at home doesn't have to be forever. It can be for a few years, just giving him a chance to grow up a little more. He's likely reading already, and that's more than half the battle in the beginning.
I will say to you this... when a child is crying out for serious help, sometimes we need to 'cave' because they need to know we understand and will do whatever it takes to help them. That makes them feel safe, and then they have more confidence to face the world.
Some kids are not built to endure public school. It's not for everyone. I'm not anti public school. I have friends whom some of their children go to school and some stay home depending on their disposition. Some thrive in school, some flounder. Children are not black and white, and what is drilled into us as "normal" is not. Schools have only been around for about 100 years. Before that children were home until higher education years, and society was better for it.
I recommend you do more research. Find out OPTIONS, realize he is NOT the problem, and does not HAVE a problem. He has different NEEDS, and that is a whole different mind set. Once you approach it from he "NEEDS" something rather than he is broken and must be "FIXED", I think all of you will be empowered, calm down, and be able to find your families best solution.
I hope you peace on your journey to help your son, feel safe, loved, supported, and thrive! :O)

I have to look at this from the child's perspective because he is the one being asked to change his environment everyday. I would begin by getting him into more structured social settings on a regular basis, i.e. cub scouts, sports, gymnastics, sunday school etc... Then I would get his daily work from his 2nd grade teacher and home school him until he is ready to try school. I wouldn't try a full day all at once. Usually either the morning or afternoon is academic and the other half is lunch, recess, specials like PE, art, music, or Spanish. I would choose which half he needs the most and go for that. He could prepare for the spelling test M-Th and go to school to take the test on Friday (with a parent). Let him know its okay to need the extra support and that soon he will enjoy school and have fun every day.
I have four children and it is an adjustment every year when school stops for the summer. They actually grieve the loss of their teacher(s) and classmates whom they have spent the largest amount of time with. Then in the fall there is a large transition again when beginning all over with another teacher(s) and new classmates. However, it sort of resembles our lives and we are all going through changes constantly. The more comfortable your son becomes with change the better he will feel about life in general.
Hang in there and keep supporting your child at the level he can understand. Hope this helps, A. Burnette, Hillsborough, NC

Dear M.,
My heart goes out to you and your family and what you are going through, especially the torment within your son. You have received a great deal of insightful and supportive advice and I will not reiterate.

When our children were diagnosed and undergoing treatment for ADHD, strep carriers, Kawasaki's, walking pneumonia, wrist fracture, anorexia, environmental allergies, RSV pneumonia, etc., my husband couldn't grasp the reality of anything "being wrong with my child". I had to arrange for him to take off of work and accompany the child, me, or both of us to the physician or therapist in order for him to "get it".
Then, when "it sunk in", my husband usually overreacted and became upset that something was wrong (of course, by then I had already come to terms with it). I think of this denial is a "guy thing". :0)

When my daughter was too sick to attend school in her junior year, I worried that she would lag behind because I couldn't home school her with our mutual personalities. I was delighted to learn that the school system provided a teacher who went to the homes of the children who were home-bound and not being home-schooled. My understanding is that this is a federal requirement.
If your son needs time out from the school environment in order to stabilize, you may want to inquire about this as a possibility.

Remember to ALWAYS trust your gut (which you've been doing)!! My thoughts are with you and good luck.

wow, I hope things have gotten better for you, your husband and your son. I don't blame you at all for trying the meds and I hope you are still working with a Dr. Meds have a very important place. The human race has progressed greatly with the use of meds. No, we can't know ahead of time what the reaction will be to each individual but we can study them overall so that they may help the general public. Lots of people are alive today or are leading better lives because of a medication. When there is an alternative it is great to use it. You can't know everything & don't blame yourself for not knowing. Just keep learning and seeking knowledge and asking for patience and loving the most important people to you. you and your husband should go to the Dr together for your son when possible. It will make you feel closer. CLosely watch your reactions to your son's behavior--he reacts to your responses big time.
I went through some huge separation behaviors when my daughter was younger. I can't determine if it was on the same level and I was a single mom, so I was in a different position there too. But I remember the frustration and feelings of helplessness. She is 15 and fine now. Hang in there.

M.,

Hugs to you and your family. I have been on anxiety meds for 10 yrs (went off them to start a family) so I have an idea what you are going through. Meds for anxiety are tricky b/c what works for one might not work for another. Or the dose could have been too high. Don't be surprised if your dr tries different meds until y'all find one that works for your son. I could not use prozac b/c of some of the side affects (similar to what you mentioned). Also, it never hurts to go get a second option on options with dealing with anxiety. More than likely you will have to put your son on meds, but it would also be helpful for him to go talk with someone one a week or everyother week. With him being young once a month is not enough...too much time goes by. Also, look at what he is eating. You might change his diet a bit. Some preservatives can actually heighten anxiety in people. You would be surprised at some of the changes if you cut back on some processed foods and foods contains the red and yellow dyes. (These can be found in a lot of stuff). I have a short list of good things to avoid, but we moved and I can't locate it right now. I will try and find it. Could you contact me via this board or email so I know where to send it. I will try and find it before thanksgiving.

Hang in there. You are not a bad mother for putting your child on meds. I know some people will look at you funny and even hateful, but you are doing what is best for your son. And who knows, maybe over time you will find other solutions and he will be able to come completely off the meds or just take a very small dose.

M.,
When someone first reads this, one has to wonder if the child is babied so much that he can't function without, however, I know that sometimes there are instances that there is really a mental problem that can't be controlled no matter what the parent does or how they try to seperate.
I know that he has to go to school; there is nothing anyone can do about that. But there is no sense in him having so much fright in going that they put him on all that medication. The medication is what I am totally opposed to.
Let me ask you this: I did know someone that had a similar problem and she dealt with it by taking her out of school and home schooling her and after that period in her life passed, she seemed to have done very well. I can't say what the problem with your child is or how it came to be but that is an option. I am going to give you this woman's email address and just write to her and tell her the problem and ask if she has any suggestions. ____@____.com
Ask her about her child and why she decided to home school and just see what she says and how she went about doing it.
It may be something that will pass OR did you ever think that it could be something like someone picking on him and scaring him to death... so much so that he is afraid to go?
It could be so many things.
I am so sorry for your trouble. I know that it can cause difficulties in every aspect of your life. I would certainly look elsewhere than medication.
I hope it all works out.

My heart goes out to you!! I would really consider getting another opinion from a different doctor. It sounds to me like the meds are way too strong for a little guy. I think you are doing the right thing seeking help. I will pray that you find the right person to help and your dear son will get the counseling and/or medication that he needs.