Second Son Getting Ignored?

I think you are making to much out of this. My sister has 5 kids and when her youngest was born, we talked about not sending him any gifts until he's old enough to appreciate them. This last christmas was the first time I sent him something, he is now two.
For others who have had a baby I will also usually give mommy or family gifts, unless I know they NEED something for the baby. I hate giving little trinkets or useless toys that will just sit around and collect dust - and the same I would prefer not getting anything for my daughter over getting something useless, that now I have to find a space for to collect dust, so the person who gave it won't be offended...
Unless you're making it an issue, both of them will not even remember what they got or didn't get. Your older son will probably even just begin to really understand the concept of gift giving this year...
AND, if they send something for the family, that includes ALL of you, even your baby.
In my opinion it's just wrong to tie ones love (or perception thereof) to the amounts of gifts or money they send. If you see them interact in a differnt way with your second child, once he is a little older, then you can worry!

I know many people who rather deliberately make things (like christmas/valentines/etc) a much bigger deal for the older sibling when a baby comes into the house... especially for the first year. The reason being that from day one so much is ALL about the baby (baby showers, birth announcements, new clothes, new crib, special visits just to see the new baby, special parties just for the new baby, special pictures, special rules, not to mention that mommy is -rather out of necessity- attached at the breast, etc.) The baby, of course, is aware of NONE of this, but the older child IS. It's the older child who all of a sudden has to share his/her parents & world, and who is taking a rather major back seat in EVERYTHING, including limelight. So I know many people who make a much much bigger deal out of special occasions for the oldest, so that THEY feel special, and know that they are loved despite all the hoopla surrounding a new baby. Even when families do biig brother/big sister stuff... that stuff is still because of the BABY. Having some cool things just because you're you (and not so and so's big sibling) isn't something that many people think of.

Actually I think it's pretty cool of your inlaws that they are trying to make your oldest feel special during this period of transition... when most people are going to be so hyperfocused on his brother that he would feel left out or like an appendage to the shiny new person.

most of the time it is the other way around so it is great that they are not ignoring the older one. remember your baby is only 5 mo old and won't remember that he didn't get a card from grandpa. maybe they think that the baby is getting extra attention at home and this is there way of making sure your toddler is getting special attention. at christmas we got our baby (2 months) 1 christmas gift and we got our two-year-old a bunch of things. He didn't even realize that the baby only got 1 gift and the baby of course didn't know either. I would make a fuss if and when the baby realizes he is getting short-changed, but by them your family will probably start sending him cards and special treats too. Honestly, I think a card sent to my now 4 month would would be a waste, but a card sent to my toddler is a nice treat. He can actually open it and enjoy it.

At what age did they start sending things to your eldest? If they started when he was a baby then they are not being fair to your youngest. However, if they didn't start until he was older then I wouldn't worry about it.

Maybe just ask Grandpa at what age will he will think your youngest is "old enough" to receive a card and a gift too. It's true, a 5 month old will not know the difference and honestly I don't think your oldest son will even remember or care. If Grandpa is on a fixed income then maybe it's hard for him to want to spend money on someone who won't know the difference. Or maybe it's just his quirk. At any rate, there's nothing you can do, you can't force someone to give a gift!

If I were you I'd wait until your youngest is "old enough" to know the difference in your opinion. Then I would add his name to the card or even buy a small gift from "grandpa" for him. But only if Grandpa hasn't decided that he should buy for both. Chances are he will start buying for your youngest soon. Until then, I wouldn't worry about it either. I can understand that the slight is something YOU notice and it's easy for you to take it personally. But really, not a big deal to your youngest.

On the opposite side, our family used to buy Christmas gifts for the kids. They would start at age two and continue until you were in high school. Then you got cut off, because Christmas is for kids. That got hard when one sibling was in High School and the rest weren't. The high schooler then had to enter the adult drawing and only received one gift as opposed to one from each member of the family. In the end, it was fair, as the oldest had received gifts before the younger ones even existed!

In the end I think it will be fine.

Good luck!

Hi K.. I would be really upset with that as well and I don't think you are overreacting. This is what I would do...I would tell you older son. Oh, look Grandpa sent you and your brother money we should go out and buy something for you guys. Buy something for each one of them with the money. And then call Grandpa and say Thanks for the cash we got the 27 month old this and the 5 month old that.....

Maybe that will make him realize he is overlooking the younger one. Usually it is the other way areound. I have an older son and a younger daughter and whenever we visit my inlaws the girl gets all the attention and my son seems to get overlooked. In any case, you feel so sad for the child that is overlooked.

Good luck.

You are not over reacting! How terrible of them to do that. This clearly sends a bad message to the older brother. I would try talking to each of them myself. If it didn't change, then maybe you should consider not accepting the older brothers gifts, but let your oldest know why. Something to make him understand that it's both of them or nothing. Just a thought...

K.,

I think I would feel the same as you. There is no reason your little ones name cannot be included on the cards and gifts. I think its being insensitive and kind of rude if you ask me. I think you may feel hurt that he is not included. All names should be on a family gift and cards sent to both children.

I think a comment to a husband is not enough, you need to tell them what you want or they will never get it!! LOL!

I wouldn't start a family argument over this but I would make my feeling known ! I would let them know your feelings are being hurt that he is not included. He is part of the family no matter how old he may be.

D.

I don't know if you're making too much of it. I can tell you per experience my husband's family ignored when our twins were born. There was a lot of 'oh just wrap something old for them to open for christmas they don't know any better.' well, fast forward 5 years later they still do this. they have older grandchildren, so my twins (the youngest of all gradkids) get nothing. in fact my mil sends them xmas stickers for valentines because she says they were on sale and kids don't know any different, or sends v-day stickers for easter, again saying they don't care what it is for.
i have talked about this to my husband, who has always not gone through until this christmas when he realized that my kids were left aside (again) in regards to any presents, while we went all the way with gifts for nephews and nieces. he said he was going to ask what was this all about. we'll it's february and he hasn't said a words.
there is nothing i can do about it, except that i have distances myself completely from my husband's family. i feel like i don't owe them a darn thing.

No I don't think you are over reacting , that is awful what they are doing & I would not stand for it. Yes the youngest is too young at the moment to understand , but still they could give him a little something , a new piece of clothing for example , or some $$$ to put into a bank account for him. Everything has to be done fairly where kids are concerned. If your husband does not address this with his family then I would , I wouldn't be rude but I would be firm in telling them that unless they treat the boys fairly and get them both a little something then they are not to get anything for either of them.

Hi K., you have definitely hit a touchy subject. It is hard as a Mum when you start to noticing differences like this towards your kids. It may be the way they are & they are just waiting until the little one is more interactive as people are cutting corners every which way in this economy. With that said with kids in a family I believe strongly in doing for one what you do for the other, but we all have different ways of looking at things. I hope that your hubby will see your point of view and address it with his family, so that you can feel settled.

When I had my second I actually felt the opposite lthat the baby received more attention and worried about my oldest feeling left out. I am sure the baby gets alot of attention wanting held etc, maybe sending gifts to the oldest is their way of trying to make sure he doesn't feel slighted. Honestly at 5 months the money and gifts aren't really things he will enjoy they are more for you. I say look at it from their perspective and be glad they are making sure your oldest isn't feeling replaced! Try not to make a big deal of this, with 2 little ones you will need your energy for much bigger battles!

Good luck!