SD Trying to Stir up Trouble. Your Advice Please.

You need to probably ask your husband to talk to his sisters and see what's going on with them, if you don't feel you can talk to them. As for you SD sounds to me like she's being a brat and at her age should not be allowed to act like that. Your husband needs to back you. He should not be urging you to drop something . Also sounds like ya'll could use some family counciling!!!!!!

You are the adult, you have to keep doing the right thing. You have to keep showing as much love as you can possibly muster. 15 year olds are often unbearable, no matter whose kids they are.

If mom and dad spoil her and don't teach her to have respect or manners, then you are right, that is the biggest problem here. But if you can't change that, you are going to have to endure. When another parent undermines you, it is very difficult to change things.

It will be really hard, but keep being the best stepmom you can be, and do all the things you know are right. If you keep it up, eventually she will mature (it might take until 20 or so) and realize a few things (see Cheerful's response).

When she's being rude, her dad should put her in her place, not "ignore" it, but I know from personal experience that it's hard to make some dads step up. If you want to keep respecting (and being attracted to) your husband, I suggest you take whatever measures you can to make your husband be a proper father and tell his daughter to cut it the heck out when she's being a brat.

But I'm a little sensitive on this issue right now, so maybe you should ignore my advice.

I agree with Heidi.

She probably wants to hate you because you are everything her mom is not.

I would not make any further efforts. Still be nice but don't let her mistake kindness for weakness which is what will happen if you continue to try too hard to foster a relationship. Let her be the guide. If she wants distance from you, give her as much as you can.

And don't worry about the in-laws. They will figure it out or they won't - who cares.

I think your husband needs to intervene. She does not have to like you, but she should be showing you respect.

I would stop buying her things and doing things for her. Especially if she's going to throw your gifts in the trash.

I would not ignore her, I would be polite. The "I hate you" is a game she is playing. You need to refuse to play. Do not give her things, but treat her with respect.

The tides may turn when she gets older. I agree, some counseling is in order.

Your SILs may be filling her ear with garbage as well. Only your husband can dig up that. He needs to take the lead and figure it out! And he should not allow his wife to be treated that way.

A friend of mine used to hate her stepmom. Blamed her for many things and was pretty mean to her during her teenage years. Her stepmom took it all with grace, still treating her with respect. Years later my friend said she had to apologize to her SM, and now they are very close. So you never know what will happen. Just maintain the adult stance and be gracious and respectful. Eventually your SD will work it out. She's a teenager with hormones and feelings she doesn't understand. She needs help.

Good luck!

If I understand you, your husband and his ex-wife spoil this girl and require nothing of her. He does not even require her to be respectful of you. She has the ear of his sisters and apparently is bad-mouthing you, and they are believing her and acting differently around you. After 12 years in her life, you're trying to get her respect and love by continuing to buy her gifts and clothes. Now she is so rude that she takes what you give her and throws it away in front of you.

Her problem is not you, and it's not the baby that you had with her father. The problem is that she has never had anyone expect anything of her, and everyone bribes her with gifts and attention and free rein.

I would have a serious talk with your husband about how this girl is going to function in society - in school, in colleges, or in the workplace with this sense of entitlement. She has no responsibilities, no expectations, and she thinks she queen of the ball? Yes, it's his problem. Stay out of it. If she is rude to you, go home. Take your child out of there so he doesn't learn to do what she does. Don't get into an argument. Just leave. If she ignores you, ignore her back. But be mature about it, don't display the adolescent attitude that she does. Don't sink to her level. If there's a family event, suggest that dad and daughter have some special time together. If he asks you why you aren't going, privately say that it's too hard for him to be a dad, he just wants to be Mr. Popularity with her, and you can't stop him but you don't have to participate.

Yes, she's 15 and it's the age - but this has apparently been brewing for years. To some extent, you have participated in it because you've allowed it. You can't make him be a better father (and I married a man with children so I know how he just wants their time together to be fun) but we learned that we don't do our kids any favors when we have no expectations of them. She's spending her time learning to manipulate - and that's not going to lead her into healthy relationships. If she watches her father defend you and insist on you being respected, she will learn what qualities to look for in a boyfriend. Right now, she's learning to be rude and manipulative and selfish. So she's likely to treat men badly and just use them for gifts - ot a good habit.

Good luck.

If your husband doesn't back you up then the battle is already over. At this point you're just mitigating the pain to yourself - I would keep engaging her, but ignore the teen/step nastiness and let her own that.

I was you in your shoes at one point. My now ex and his ex spoiled my step-daughter. He constantly reminded me I wasn't her mom, wouldn't allow her to call me mom (I wanted her to call me what she felt comfortable with) and didn't want me to discipline her. My hands were tied. Her mom hated me and encouraged her to disobey me (my SD told me.) They both let her have her way no matter what. We actually got along great on our own without her parents, believe it or not, but their influence was all around so I was not allowed to be involved.

After her dad and I separated she went wild, started sneaking out, not going to school, etc. He didn't understand why. Thing is, kids need boundaries to feel secure, I had them, he didn't. She finally turned her life around years later and graduated from high school and became responsible. She told my sister last year her dad didn't love her, but I did, and that she doesn't respect him but does me. And truthfully, I thought she'd hated me. She is very depressed, though, (what a surprise) and attempted suicide. She refused to allow her father to come see her, she wanted me. Who knows where her "mom" is.

What I'm trying to say is that your step-daughter isn't dumb and sees things like they are. She wishes her mom was like you. She hates the way things are so projects her hate onto you. You can't make her not hate you, you can't be her "friend." With your husband not backing you up, all you can do is love her and be there for her if she needs you, even years from now. Don't ignore her, but keep your emotional distance for your sake, stop trying so hard.

What is truly sad is that your husband and everyone else are doing her no good whatsoever. Life is what you make of it, not what it does to you or for you. You have to grow up to find that out, she's never been encouraged to, just coddled.

You're the adult.
So be the bigger person.
At 15, she doesn't have to carry half of this burden.
Parents do.

Steppin' ain't easy. Here's how I handled it with my SS: I let his father handle it. It doesn't feel natural, but when in doubt, take the lead of her father/your husband. It's not that easy, but it is that simple. So what if she talks about you with others? What does your husband think/say? If they care about you or your situation, then they will talk to you themselves. If they can't understand that she is a teenager in a step situation, then they don't want to understand. It might be a bit awkward, but leave it to them to tell you if they have concerns. Keep being supportive of your SD. Don't buy her stuff. Let her father do all of that. You just show up. Let her see that you are present, but don't go out of your way to connect right now. Just be constant and consistent. My only requirement was that my SS respect me in my house.

It's probably just the age. You do the best you can and that's all you can do.
Try to get your H to speak up. Defending yourself won't help.

Counseling for the whole family.