SD Divorced Mothers/small Town

Moving seems the only alternative to me. sometimes after a bad situation moving on is the only solution.

I lived in a small town with my x hubby too, but when I left (I left town completely from the get go), he started rumors to 'punish' me too. Even without me being there, the rumors reached me. Eventually they went to the way side because 1. Everyone knew that they weren't true, and 2. I didn't once start any retaliatory rumors about him and 3. I continued living my life just as I had before. One of my friends called to tell me of the rumors and was actually laughing about it because she couldn't believe that people would think they were true! Only those who are 'stepping stone people' (those who like to tear others down in order to feel good about themselves)(ie: ppl not worth my time and energy) go along with nasty rumors and eventually others will set them straight. When ever I was in town, if anyone said something to me I would respond by saying how nice it is that they are judging by having only one side of the story and walk away, nothing else said, or I'd comment that the only ppl who know what goes on behind closed doors are those who are behind it and that's where it should stay. Either that or I'd laugh and say, "Yeah! I heard that one too, what a riot! Can you believe that's being said about ME? hahahahah" or ask them if they really truly believed that of me and walk away without saying another word. That shut up quite a few people and the rumors didn't last long as a result. People could see who was on the higher road and I held my head high, not lowered as if I had something to be ashamed of. The best way to fight rumors is by continuing to be the better person, keep being yourself and eventually ppl will realize who's the dirty dog in things.

As for my kids, I got them into counceling right away, myself too. It was the best thing I ever did for us as a family! I also talked to their school counselor, not to tell details, but out of concern for what my kids might be dealing with at school and asked the counselor to keep an eye on things for me and to let me know if they are having trouble or in case the kids wanted to talk with them. I also talked to their teachers, again, not to spill details, but to ask them to let me know right away if my kids were having trouble in class with their studies or other students....I let it be known that my only concern was for my kids and no one else. That too helped quite a bit and ppl began to see that it wasn't me who was starting the rumors or who was the 'bad' person, that my only concern was for my kids and nothing else. Take the high road hun, let him bury himself. It'll happen, just wait it out. You'll see.... Good luck to you!

i went thru the same thing...only his folks were pretty powerful...i lived up in anoka co.i finally moved to the cities-where they all hate it...started over again...if i were you-i get out of the small town...fast....dont bother fighting back...its pointless-just go on bout your life-you have nothing to prove to him or the town...and he should have your kids covered under medical-call red cross they will direct you in where you can get help....good luck-email me if you want to talk more...

Hi C.--I have a friend who works in the counseling field in SD and here's what she wrote when I asked her for some help:

In the Woonsocket area, the Community Mental Health Centers are Dakota Counseling Institute in Mitchell ###-###-####) and Community Counseling Services in Huron ###-###-####). With the Community Mental Health Centers, they either charge medicaid or insurance or go by income , so if she can't afford it because of a low income or a lot of bills, chances are good she would get free counseling for the family. Plus, if transportation is an issue, sometimes they do home based services, so they would probably come to her house if she wanted.

Good luck to you and I'll say a prayer for you too!!

Small towns are great for rummors to be spread like wildfire. The only thing you can do is hold your head up and know that if they know you, they know who you are and won't believe the rummors. If they do believe them, they will die down soon when there is a new person to talk about. People will see you with your children in public and will see that you are a good mom. If anyone asks you about it, tell them that it is bitter ex husband talk and you would rather just let it all die down, let them know it isn't true then change the subject without getting into detail over the divorice and how he is punishing you for leaving him.

As for the counseling, check into the county mental heath because usually they either go by what you make or they might have funding to help those children who's parents can't afford it. Your minister is another person who could be a great deal of comfort in this situation.

Good luck and keep your head held up high... this too shall pass.

I'm not sure how to handle the rumors aspect but Family and Children's Services does counseling for families, children, adults etc and they have a sliding fee.

Bless you C.! This will PASS! Focus on your children first. You cannot control gossip or other people's opinions. I know it is very hard. I went through it. You can remind yourself something along the lines of: "What you think of me, is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!"

You will be teaching your children through example and as so many others pointed out here, "The TRUTH will OUT!"

Innocence is its own DEFENSE.

Try not to roll around in the mud.

For some cheap therapy for yourself, rent the movie "Hope Floats".

Stay the course....as many others mentioned you can find counseling that is available for little or no cost.

"This too, shall pass."

PS Being HAPPY is the BEST possible 'comeback'.

Hi C. B

In life always remember there are different types of people:- people who loves to gossip, spread rumors and lies.
Now, I do not know the reason(s) for the divorce and I certainly do not want to know because you are the one who is living in the home and only you know where it is leaking, but what I do know and want to advise you about is to continue to hold your head up high and continue to go about your business. As for the children they are the only one to say whether Mommy or Daddy is the bad one, so you do not think you are the bad one let the children be the judge in that aspect.

Don't matter what you do or say, who you are or are not, people will talk, so once again hold your head up high and continue your business.

D. L.

Can you move somewhere else where you have family for support? I know, you shouldn't have to move, but it may be the only way to move on with your life. And get your kids away from all the drama and start fresh. Good luck.

Stay postive and don't go and act like he is acting...it will all come out in the end who is ugly and a dishonest person. Support yourself and your kids and nothing else matters...maybe your church can help out with some counseling. Sorry for your pain. Take care.

Hi C.,
Counseling can happen in the child's school free of charge! I'm sure it is affecting their school work and learning process so go talk with the school counselor. Even elementary schools have counselors.

Also - sometimes you have to lay low for awhile. It's hard in a small town but just go to work, come home and be a good mother to your children. It will bring you and your kids closer too but staying at home and doing things together without going out and about.

Being in a small town - the people will start to come around once they see how devoted you are to your children and that the ex was no doubt lying. It may take a year for those to come around but it will happen - he'll show his true colors and people will start to see right through him.

Best of luck,
D.

First I must say I'm sorry and know what small town living is like.

I know it may not be easy but is there any way you can move to another town? Is your ex from this town and you not? From someone who grew up and still lives in small town USA (even if different one from where I grew up) people know what is what and if you show by actions that his stories are lies that will come through.

As far as family counseling is concerned there is counseling avaliable at reduced cost based on your income and family size. With all that is going on this would be something good for both you and your childern. In addition a good counseler should be able to give you coping skills for dealing with the ex and his smear tactics. Try calling social services for county you live in for advice about counseling.

Apparently the ex doesn't care what this is doing to the childern and that is too bad because in the end they are the ones being hurt.

Best of luck to you, keep your chim up and remember "This too shall pass"

There is a great quote from Dr. Seuss... about being yourself

...Those who mind, don't matter.

...Those who matter, don't mind.

C. - people will always talk and he's adding fuel to a fire that people already enjoy.

If moving isn't an option, I would suggest that you just be yourself, the truth will eventually come out. If you're nice to the people in town, they'll start wondering how all those rumors could be true. Someone, hopefuly a friend, will help squash them with true statements.

Insurance companies will typically cover counseling services. I would check with your insurance carrier and see what they provide and how much the co-pay is. Also, many churches offer counseling services at no cost. If you attend a church, I would check with the Sr Pastor and see what type of help they could give you.

All the best to you,

D.