I share 50/50 joint legal w my son's father. Father is primary decision maker on education and religion. I, the mother, am primary decision maker on medical, dental, civic, cultural, sports and after school activities. Father and I have both enrolled our son this year at a baptist church pre-K program. Father belongs to this church (as does son) I do not. I take my son there in order that he has a normal pre-K experience. This is first year I have joined in taking my son, and cost was $355 for first month (with deposits, tuition, supplies, etc.) This money was mine, we do not share this expense. So I paid for this and enrolled my child under his full legal name. When I arrive to pick up my son today, I receive all of his week of school work, under the wrong name. Buddy. His father's nick name for him (because father does not recognize his legal first name, and never calls him his name). I go back in to the school and state, this is not my child's legal name. We will have to change this. By law this is not my son's name. (In addition, this incorrect name is also placed on the sign in and sign out sheet). (I'm speaking of the first name, not the last). Father has tried three times to change son's entire name in court, to no avail the Judge has denied every attempt. However, after asking the teachers today why we have this nick name on all of our papers, they tell me that the father has called a meeting with the pastor of this church, and the supervisor of pre-K, three weeks before school started (without my knowledge) , and let them know that he was in charge of 'education', and this is the name son is to be called. I already know that this does not hold water. A father being primary over education, does not equal a father decides what child is called at school for his entire school career. Name was decided by the Court. And that stands firm. Question is, what do I do? The school is refusing to change this name, due to father's personal wishes, and so I am not only left holding school work with incorrect name on it, but even more damaging is fact my son is learning to write the wrong name, he is in danger of not being identified properly if there were emergency situation, and because i am in charge of medical, clearly i can see problems arising in future due to this, as his name is not 'Buddy' on his social security card, birth certificate, or insurance documents. So if my son goes to ER to be treated under the name 'Buddy', it is very quite possible insurance would not pay for his treatment. As ridiculous as this seems, it truthfully is happening right here in small town Alabama. I am beyond troubled by this, and can't seem to get past the small town politics of it, but even more bothersome, I donot know what my rights are here. This is a private pre-K/Mom's Day Out Program, but is overseen by the state. I'm pretty sure this goes against many policies. Can anyone assist? Thank you.
Here's what happened. I posted a question here seeking advice, and found that large percentage of the answers are either so passionately assuming facts that were never in the initial question, or were so wrought with judgement for posing such a question, that they can't be considered legitimate answers. This is after all a 'help page', and seems to me a good place to go before causing problems for the school, and for my son. It did not occur to many responders, that mom posted the question here first, and that there is no outward drama between mom and dad, or even with the school... which was the reason for coming to a site. To ask for advice, before drama occurs. Those answers that assumed that mom is a trouble making soup stirrer, also cannot be considered legitimate because as stated earlier, they are damning and far fetched, creating scenarios between this family that were never described, and are not helpful. Mom took son to the school to 'create a normal environment' for son, because in fact, she does care about his sanity and safe feelings. Mom does not have to take son to any school right now, he is 3. Mom could take son to Six Flags all day, but instead chose to do something that would give him normalcy and in compliance with dad. I believe in the question posted, it was stated that a Judge qualified what the son's name is, and no it's not a foreign, hard to pronounce name, (but even if it was, why would this name not be just as important? sounds a bit closed minded to me but, alas) so let's just state for the record that my son's legal name is JOHN.. Very simple, easy to spell, easy to pronounce, not an embarrassing name. I would not post a real name on a public site, and I don't think anyone else should either.
I believe it was stated in original question, that a Judge stood firmly on this easy to pronounce name, and after dad tried to change that first name in the Court three times, when the son was two and a half years old (so yes at this point, the kid knows his name), father still does not acknowledge that the child has a first name. Therein lies something troublesome. But.... we move forward, and allow dad time that he needs to accept this name. Mother was not married to father at time of birth, so mother named child. Simple enough. Most mothers would if there was no communication with father at time of birth, wouldn't they?
I believe there is also some confusion here as to what being a Primary decision maker on Education is in fact. If you are not currently in, or never have been in a joint 50/50, it means that both parents are to make decisions in regards to everything, together. And then if there is a toss up decision, father or mother, depending on what the area in question is, Primary makes the final call. Good co-parenting means coming to the table and discussing things together, even bringing in other family members if it helps, not calling meetings with the school that does not include the other parent. That does not lend itself to communication, rather creates borders for the other parent. I am Primary of Medical, for example, and all medical questions involve dad. I always, even if it's whether to give our son an antibiotic, ask his father. I respect his father, and never speak poorly of him in the presence of my son, or even in the presence of other family or friends. If a child hears negative of a parent, then they feel negative of themselves.
Deciding on where a kid goes to school, and what a child will be called on documents are two separate issues. The first falls under education, the latter falls under 'name'. Which as stated pretty clearly, Judge has decided on.
So ..yes. There is some concern that right off the bat, we are not calling the son by his given name, at all, ever. If the shoe is on the other foot, to respond to someone who states 'not calling him his nick name, and making him change it, might make him feel badly' Well doesn't that work conversely on his given name, that he has been called by an entire group of family, friends, groups, until he is this age of 3?
In terms of health insurance, yes, this can in fact become a problem. Whomever stated that this would never happen, has never sat on the phone with an insurance provider for 3 hours due to a last name change on a birth certificate. Yes. It matters. It always matters. You cannot check into a doctor's office with the wrong name even. Believe me, we have tried. Providers become annoyed and donot want to deal with you when you are not clear on a name for health matters whether it be about blue forms, vaccinations, prescription pick ups, appointments and coverage, or simply calling your provider to ask about any of these. It does matter.
In addition, the pre-K program's packet of info given to mom states very clearly on page one, that DHR requires that parents sign in and out, next to their child's name daily at pick up. If you are bringing DHR to the table, let's put a legal name on things, shall we.
What happened is this: I took a short read through many of these answers (not all, some were very helpful, thank you) and found them to be... not helpful because they were so far leaning in the direction of something negative, that I don't think they are useful. I thought to myself after reading some of them, 'Wow, I think I can do this on my own.'. I am in fact careful about what I say and do around my son, it is my full time purpose in this life, to make his loving and carefree as we all want our children's lives to be. I have participated in co-parenting counseling, for 3 years in fact, and still, things are never easy when you are trying your best to raise your child in a positive way. Many mothers and fathers struggle with these decisions, and I'm pretty sure that most of those parents who are struggling are not selfish, or petty, or arrogant, they just want what's best for their child. Which is why they reach out to supportive groups of people. When answering questions such as mine, there is nothing wrong with finding some kindness in your answers. I donot mean to say that you should agree with the parent posing the question, what I mean is, there are compassionate ways to help others. It doesn't take alot, just maybe finding some tact and some gentleness in words would be a start.
To those who gave neutral but informed, thoughtful and caring yet factual answers, I appreciate your time and your thoughts.
So why doesn't the father want to call his son by his real name? Give us the reasoning so we can better help you or at least understand the underlying issue.
Can you ask for a meeting with the school board and or pastor and the ex? Take the birth certificate with you too.
I don't go by my real name, ever.
Don't worry about him being named "Buddy" for his school career. When he is registered for kindergarten, his birth certificate will have to be supplied and he will be required to register under his legal name. They can call him "buddy" but all official docs will have his true legal name on them. You could always put aka Buddy.
BTW this is not a help site. It's a sight on which we share our thoughts. You can read the posts.from mamapedia staff saying that any advice we give is not to be considered as a substitute for professional advice.
After your so what happened. We gave you information based on the way you worded your question. Your question still feels like there is drama surrounding this issue. I gave advise based on your reasons to insist he be called his legal name at school. I then gave reasons.for not make.a fuss.Your reasons are not reasonable based on the experiences we've had with names, legal and personal. If you have the best interest for your son,.you could agree with those posters. You could say, I'll think about that. Instead you sat we are wrong with no indication that we might be right. You've asked moms who have experience and in some cases have studied child development.
What name your son writes on his papers and what people call him, in fact, has nothing to do with maintaining legal documents. The legal papers you worry about will have his legal name
That is what many of us were trying to tell you.
Are you saying you're not angry that your ex has his son use Buddy at school. If so, that is not what your post sounded like. You sounded very much that you are angry with your ex. You told us the reasons to back up your choice. Your SWH sounds like you're trying to prove you're right. If all you wanted is to know what we think you should do, your other information, to which we responded, that information is not relevant.
You could've said "you and your son's father have different thoughts about what your son should be called at school. I'm concerned that by not calling him at school will cause difficulty in identifying him when it comes to legal documents such as (then list them)
My son's father had a meeting with church/preschool staff.telling them to call him Buddy. How do you suggest I should respond to his name at his preschool."
This is related to why I think you are dramatizing.
(You said you went right back in and.told the teacher his name is not Buddy. He should write his legal name on his papers. That is drama and feels to me that you're more concerned about his name than what will benefit him. I suggest your son was embarrassed and felt like he was the cause of your fight over names.)
We would reassure you as we tried to do, that formal records will list his legal name. You asked about legal difficulties. When someone said it won't be a problem they are most likely referring to the part of post regarding your statement about legal difficulties.
In regard to insurance,.the company will ask for his legal name. It will be on file on the same page that says his nickname is buddy. I know this because.of the many years I've talked to insurance companies. You will have difficulty getting answers from all insurance companies whatever his name is. You know that because you've had difficulty with an insurance company.
Seems to me you're looking for trouble even when many of us told you that this will not be difficult in the legal world.
If you want us to say what you want us.to say, don't ask. Most, if not all of us,.tell the truth as we see it. You don't have to agree with anyone's answer.
My final advice is to ask your attorney this question. You can also call your school district, talk with your doctor's staff.
***********.
You're way over thinking this. Hospitals, doctors, insurance look at the last name first then they will see his legal name and his nickname. He will be treated and his records.kept no matter what he or his father call him. Perhaps your ex wouldn't try so hard to change his legal name if you'd been OK with the nickname, Insurance will pay. You may have to tell the Insurance his legal name if you carry his insurance. His nickname is not at all.important when doing legal things for your son. That he's called Buddy does not change his record.
You have no legal rights to change what his father calls him.You do have the right to not agree to change his legal name. You've exercised that right.
I suggest that this is not a fight worth fighting. Your son responds to Buddy. It's a name he uses. If you try to change the name at the private school you will be pitting your son against his Dad. He is caught in the middle. You are also putting the staff in the middle. For me what he learns and his relationship with staff is more important than what he's called. I can see staff uncertain about what to call him. This is likely to interfere with staff becoming peoole he trusts. This is your son's and his Dad's school. Church people already know him as Buddy. They know his father and do not know you. Can you see how this affects your son and how rediculous you sound. I have never seen parents.fight over a name. Your ex is your son's and husband's church. He may sound rediculous too but he is friends with people at the church.
This is a non-profit private K. Their records are not important their records are not legal documents. What name he puts on his paper is definitely not a legal document. They give them to you and likely throw them away. When he enters public school they will ask for his legal name and list Buddy as a nickname. If not, you can go to the school and add his legal name.
When he's older and needs records that count he will know his legal name and they will list his nickname in this way. AKA, also known as Buddy Smith.
I suggest you're focusing on his name becsuse you're angry at his father. I also suggest it's in the best interest of your son to stop fighting not only over the use of his legal name on everything ss well as things.that is important to who he grows up to be.Your son knows you're upset/angry about his name. In essence you're telling a 4 yo that his nick name is not acceptable that translates to him that he"s not acceptable. At 4, he doesn't know the complexity of this issue. He just knows there must be something wrong with him and wrong with his Daddy because you fight. Why is this so important to you? Lots of parents call children nickname. The name does not hurt your son. Fighting about it does.
None of the reasons you want him called by his legal name are valid. None. I suggest you talk with your lawyer about this.
I've worked in the legal system for years. nicknames are common. I've.seen.many AKAs (also knowm as" on legal papers. Your son will decide what he wants to be called when he is older. You call him by his legal name. His Dad calls him Buddy. He'll know both. As a teen he will definitely have an opinion about.his name. ..This is definitely not the hill to die on. If you keep fighting about this his name could once more be a reason to fight, only this time with you'll be fighting with your teen son.
My daughter was upset when her daughter asked to be called by a different name. She was 14 when this happened. She's a teen. Teens often go by nicknames. So, I think I might understand how you feel. Your son's Dad, who has 50% legal custody could give the school a copy and they may not talk with you without his father's permission.
His dad has the legal right to call his son any name he wants. Your son belongs 50/50 to each of you. Did the court order outline the division of responsibilities? If so, what name he registers him on is OK. You'll have to ask your lawyer about how much you can be involved in registering your son's name..also about how you can be involved with the scho
I am known by several different names. It hasn't been a problem. My granddaughter's school records are now in the name she chose. When.she was young records included the last name her mother used. She has a list of names on her record.
So, again why is his name important enough to fight over? You will be seen as "that parent" who is difficult to work with. His Dad may be seen that way as well. His church is going to use the name his father gave him. They gave already been calling him Buddy. You insisting that teachers use is birth certificate will confuse your son
Public schools will not like you and your husband fighting over his name. It's likely you will disagree on other things as well. You are starting out on the wrong foot with school by fighting. If his Dad.gives.the school his nickname and the court order says.his father is responsible for his education. It's possible.they wont be able to talk with you. I've.seen that happen more than.once.
I urge you to mend.fences. It's important for him to know he's OK with both of you. Children identify and learn about being a boy from their Dad. Girls do the same with Moms. When you criticize his Dad, you're also criticizing you son. He is a part of his Dad.
If you and his Dad continue to fight, he will fight too once he's older. Kids learn how to behave by watching their parents.They.copy us. I suggest what name he uses is not as important than looking for a middle ground so you and his father can work together. Your son will learn how to solve problems in a peaceful way or an angry way depending on what you model. This will be important by the time he reaches the teen years.You are building the foundation for what your son will be like as a teen and as an adult. He may already be angry. He doesn't understand any of this.
Really, is your son's name more important than how he gets along in school and the relationships he builds? I also suggest that if he has difficulty in pre K he may not like school. Especially if you continue to fight over this.
My counselor asked me which was.most important to me. To be right or to be happy? I chose happy and continued counseling help me learn how to be happy. There are many, many more important things to do with your son than what name he puts on his papers.
BTW politics have nothing to do with what the parents call their children.
Do you want to be right or do what is right for your son?
You do nothing. "Legally" your ex has education decisions. This frankly is not a battle worth fighting. And your "legal right" has already been determined...you have the court order stating what you make decisions on and what your ex does. This issue does not fall under your decision so let it go.
I'm pretty sure the school has his "legal" name. I would not stress out about the "what ifs" like going to the hospital and insurance not paying. They will so that isn't an issue. If it is a big deal all you have to do is show his birth certificate with his legal name. I'm pretty sure there are a TON of kids going by nicknames as well as adults.
My husband and I have paid over six figures for custody court battles. NONE of them went our way. Unless your ex is physically or emotionally harming your child, you need to just let it go. This isn't something you want to make a big deal out of, trust me on that.
And even MORE importantly, don't you dare stress your kid out about this! He does not need his mom and dad arguing over a stupid nickname. Don't do that. Good luck.
This is a fight between you and your ex, not you and the school. I think it's more about control than about medical or legal info. Insurance will not deny coverage to someone called "Buddy" whose legal name is something else. You simply provide the insurance policy number (which I assume both parents have). There are hundreds of people treated every day in your local hospital who have this problem. And no one is going to assume that "Buddy" is your child's middle name, so it's kind of a "given" that they will ask!
Lots of kids go by nicknames unrelated to their legal names, such as Skip or Bud. All the kids named "Bobby" or Mikey" aren't using their legal names either, although these nicknames are closer. My neighbors have 3 kids, and 2 of them go by their middle names. The school records have the full legal name, but their papers and their cubbies all have the name they are using. I grew up with plenty of kids in the same situation. My uncle was known as "Bud" or "Buddy" because he was a "junior" with the same name as his father. It's just not a problem.
Your issue is with your ex - he makes "educational" and "religious" decisions but you are paying all or part of the tuition. But your child is in a preschool at the church your ex belongs to - so that pretty well covers eduction and religion at once.
Let it go. This is not a battle to fight. The more you fight it, the more your ex will dig in and fight you back. Personally, I think he may be doing this to tick you off - otherwise, he would not have had a meeting with the school staff before the session started (no parent does that routinely, only if there is an issue).
You make sure your son knows both his first name, last name, and nickname. That's all.
My son's given name is Michael. He goes by Chase. He will always be Chase. I would sign the papers with Michael and in quotes I would put "Chase". He knows his legal name but goes by Chase. He IS Chase. Your son knows his legal name. Trust me. We have our son's legal name on medical and we haven't had any issues. He tells the doctor what his name is. Legal name that is. Also, the school has his legal name as well.
You and your ex need to stop using this young child as your "weapon" against each other.
This seems to be really more about you and your ex's personal issues than it has anything to do with the well-being of your son.
This is a non-issue. Do not put your son in the middle of this pettiness. Tell the teachers your son's name, and then let them choose between Buddy and whatever. None of the scenarios you described are going to happen.
Your son will not be harmed by being called Buddy, but he WILL be harmed by your making huge issues over nothing, and fighting with his father. Put your son first.
Step away from this power struggle. It's not worth it.
Nicknames are easy to explain, and even a 4 year old can understand. My kids call me mommy all day every day. But they know my name is not mommy, and that I have a real name. My son has a nickname that he prefers over his full birth name. His teachers call
him by the nickname and that's what he writes on his school papers.
My K son this year had a friend in his class named Joseph but everyone (including his parents) call him Iggy. I have no idea why. The teacher called him Iggy. But all the legal school paperwork says Joseph.
But his (my son's, and I'm sure Iggy's) report cards are mailed home with his actual full name on them. Teachers get the concept of nicknames, schools get the concept of nicknames. Not a big deal.
I feel so sorry for your son. This has got to be so confusing to him. He is very young. Still, I would have a conversation with him on his level. "Hey, I know Daddy calls you Buddy, and he told the people at your school that was your nickname, and how do you feel about that?" If your SON is truly miserable about that, call your own meeting with the school staff and advocate for him so he can be comfortable and secure at school. If your son indicates no problems or distress or concern about that, please, please be the bigger person and let it go. YOU can still call him by his legal name. As he gets older, you and his father are BOTH going to have to accept HIS choice on what he prefers to go by, unless you want a very distressed child. That is the price you both pay for refusing to come to any kind of compromise or agreement when you created him together. There will come a time in the not too distant future when he decides what name to write on the papers and what to tell teachers, coaches, bosses, friends, etc to call him. How are you going to handle it if he decides he prefers Buddy? You're making this about you and his father and the school, when it needs to be about your own child's sense of self and security.
"I was christened David Anthony, but still in spite of that
To my father I was William while my mother called me Pat".
The Orange and the Green - great song by The Irish Rovers
You and your ex are going to be raising this child until he turns 18.
There's many a kid who's called by their nickname in school and they still print out their full legal name on their diploma when they graduate.
Getting the full legal name as it is for their social security number is important when it comes time to applying for colleges, scholarships, grants, financial aid, etc - and THEN, yeah you have a point.
Until then, this really sounds like you and dad are in this death grip spite match while playing tug of war with your child in the middle - and it's SO NOT FAIR to your child.
The adults in his life need to QUIT IT and grow up for crying out loud.
Please - both the adults - get to some counseling so you and his dad can parent this child somewhat amicably even if your personal relationship is shot.
More lyrics, same song:
"One day my ma's relations came round to visit me
Just as my father's kinfolk were all sittin' down to tea
We tried to smooth things over, but they all began to fight
And me being strictly neutral, I bashed everyone in sight".
Per your what happened, still reads like I picked this name that clearly the child's father hates and he has found this work around to not use this name he hates. How do I make him use this name? All of this would have been avoided if you had just worked together to pick his first name but no! You controlled that to hell with his feelings on the matter. So now he controls this and you are pised he is doing the same thing to you that you did to him. Grow up
Never in your ramblings did you say my son came to me confused, upset, anything other than he is apparently okay with this so this is you! 100% you and your needs to control that name and it seems obvious to everyone but you this will effect your son in a negative way if you continue.
I don't understand why women like you come here asking for agreement and help manipulating a situation then get bent out of shape when we don't comply with your wishes. I will always answer with what I feel is best for the child, not necessarily the parent. Sorry if that offends
Can't help but notice you never once told us his legal name. Makes me wonder if it is one fo those stupid names you youngins think is cool that will actually be more damaging to the child in the long run. The parent may think the name shows how creative they are but what you are doing is putting your need to feel special before your child's need to have a normal name that everyone can spell.
My youngest is Genevieve, we have called her Genna since birth mostly because it is a long name and thought she would find it difficult to articulate. Would you believe she has always known her real name is Genevieve? Shocking I know! Even at two when I would say this is my daughter Genna she would have to add, it is short for Genevieve. Crazy!!!
So just in case it isn't clear it is not only legal, does not violate any state or local, even Federal! policies for a child to be called by their nickname, to use their nickname on their homework. Again, said youngest is now 15, not even remotely confused about her name, why she was named it, kind of likes the whole package.
So you have no rights. I get it, you insisted you name your kid something your husband hates, not dislike, hates, great maturity and communication there! You are apparently aware it is an awful name that most people wouldn't like or you would have listed it here. I guess you didn't want to hear a mess of your husband is right, that is an awful name.
I know I have wrote a lot here and I suppose kind of rambline but then it is 4 in the morning and I need to start my day. My biggest take away is you and your ex suck at communicating and both have control issues. Never in my life have I seen a decree that doesn't make all decisions joint so this had to be obvious to the courts which is kind of sad for your kid. So might I suggest you and your ex grow up because this stupid bickering over something as trivial as a nickname is far more damaging than what he calls himself.
Your poor, poor son!
I've been called by my nickname my whole life (The J in JC). Sometimes when I get checks to be deposited in the bank it has my nickname vs my given name which starts with an R. It is really not a problem. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. What name does your son prefer?
what a pity y'all can't come together on this relatively simple matter to make things less tense and confusing for the little boy. and you better believe the tension and confusion are there.
i'd be with you in insisting that your son's legal name go on all the official paperwork and documentation. you shouldn't have a big fight with that. they should want it too.
since he's going to his dad's church school, where people who know his dad are working with him every day, why can't they call him by his daddy's nickname for him? he's used to his parents calling him by different names. it's no skin off your nose, so long as the official paperwork is correct.
if you can explain to the dad that his wishes are being honored in that his son is being called what he wants him called (and yeah, the dad is being a big baby about it) then i'll bet he'll quit kicking too.
this sounds like a @#$% measuring contest more than anything else.
let your little boy off the hook and work it out peacefully.
khairete
S.
I don't think this is the school's problem. You and your ex don't agree on what to call your son. I would not put the school in the middle. You will become no doubt the dreaded parents. That can have negative consequences on your son unfortunately.
I have a nic name I've gone by since your son's age and used throughout school, my employment, etc. I have not run into any identification issues. I even have a medical alert ID. No problems. You can always list both if it's a concern. It can be a little bit confusing, but never past me saying "Yes that's me".
What name does your son identify himself by? What does he refer to himself as?
ETA: I went back to your original question (I read your SWH). The par I was answering was how it works if you have a nic name and you go to the ER. You don't just say "My child's name is Buddy". You say "My child's name is JOHN .... He goes by Buddy" if that's indeed what he refers to himself as. You want the doctors and nurses to talk to your son using the name he identifies as.
I'm guessing that your son's legal first name is a name that means something to you emotionally (like your father's name) that your ex finds unpleasant (such as, your father hated him). So if your father's name was McKinley, and you named your son McKinley, and your ex was taunted and belittled and ridiculed by your dad, then calling your son McKinley would bring up unpleasant memories all the time.
Or else, your son has a really unusual first name like Periwinkle or Shrek, and your ex feels that the boy might be teased.
Or else, your son has a name with a current political negative connotation, or an ethnic name that people at a Baptist small-town preschool might be uncomfortable with (of course, that isn't right or fair, but if every boy in his class is named Matthew or Mark or Luke or John or Paul, and your son is named Hussein Osama Sadam, his dad might feel that he would be the object of cruelty or racism or bigotry).
But your son is 4, not 2 months old. He knows himself as Buddy, and that's not a bad name or an uncommon one (I knew a boy whose sisters nicknamed him Bimmy-Bim when he was born - his name was David - and despite his objections, the older sisters insisted on calling him Bimmy-Bim even in high school, where many of the guys laughed at him and teased him for such a silly baby-ish nickname for a big high school senior). Buddy is a perfectly acceptable nickname.
No hospital or insurance company is going to deny coverage or treatment due to a nickname, especially since you possess legal documents. No emergency department is going to call a church and say "we have a patient here in need of life-saving treatment, but his dad is calling him Buddy and we have reason to believe that he's using an illegal alias". I'm sure if the father were asked, he would say to the admitting department, if the question came up "his first name on his birth certificate is Winnie-the-Pooh but he goes by Buddy".
Your son is not in danger, except for one thing: he's in danger of being the subject of a petty, trivial, argumentative battle between his parents and his teacher, all due to an innocent nickname. In your time with him, you can make sure that he knows how to spell his entire legal name, and tell him that if he ever joined the army when he grows up, or other important grown up things, he should know how to spell his legal name, but it's ok to be called Buddy or Bud by his friends and teachers. Our daughter has a rather lengthy first and middle name combination, and her first name is a variation of Ann that is much longer and has family history attached to it. My husband called her AnnaSlammaJammaRamma and a million other cute nicknames when she was little, and we often called her Ana for short. But we did make sure that she knew how to spell her actual first name when she learned to print, but we also told her she could just go by Ana (pronounced ah-nah) because it was easy.
And you should not make your son's life more difficult by making this a battle. Believe me, the school will not respect this. Now, if your son needed an Epi-Pen and his dad was refusing to admit that or provide one, you should march down to that school and make some demands. But a battle over a nickname that is very common is not one that the school will get involved in.
There was a very sad story in the news last week about a terribly abused 4 year old girl in Arkansas who had been starved and beaten. Someone finally called CPS and the police arrested her parents. CPS took the little girl to the emergency room and asked her what her name was. She replied "my name is Idiot". They asked what her real name was and she said "Idiot". She literally thought that was her name and had never been called anything else. It's tragic.
If your son is called Buddy, or Sonny, or Junior, or Chip, or Skip, then please give your child the gift of one less struggle in his fractured homelife. Give him stability. Call him Buddy, and then sometime in the future, tell him the history behind his actual first name. When he's 18 he can legally change his name to Buddy or anything else.
What does your son feel comfortable with?
I read what you want, what his father wants,what the judge wants but nothing about what will make your son the most comfortable.
If this is the relationship you and the father have, I feel horrible for your son.
Please take today as the first day you will let go of the petty/control issues with his father and put your thoughts as to how this pettiness feels emotionally to your son.
Your son doesn't care about names. He cares about 'belonging'. He wants security. You are not showing him that. Let this issue go.
Or you can just change his name to 'Pawn'.
Get some books about co-parenting.
What does your son like to be called? That detail will affect the kind of advice I can give.
What's the legal name? I'm curious because if the father is so adamant about calling him "Buddy" it makes me think the real name is likely something that people who have children really young think is cool, but is actually embarrassing.
My youngest is ONLY known by his nickname on the sports fields. Many are surprised when they find out his real name because he always goes by Scooter. But he does NOT want to use that in school.
I guess my opinion is using a nickname at school is not a big deal. You call your son by his legal name and his Dad uses a nickname. This happens in lots of families and the kids are not confused by it. I really don't think it will be a problem (medically or otherwise). When your son is old enough to state his preference in school he will tell the teacher what to call him. If it were me I would not worry about the school using his nickname...it seems petty for you and his dad to fight about this. You can teach him how to spell his name at home...I did this with both my kids. Ps - I'm sorry this is so frustrating to you, but I think you should let it go.
Totally normal for a parent to tell a school the name or nickname their child prefers to be called. The school has their legal name (including their middle name or middle initial) on file. There is no confusion. Rather, the school is respecting the name the father says the child prefers to be called.
Don't focus on the school. There's nothing wrong there. Rather, teach your son his full legal name. I know of several people who named one of their sons "John Joseph Smith jr" and then decided to call him "Jo Jo" or "JJ" or "Jack." Hey, you can call your son whatever you want, but you do still have a responsibility to make sure he knows what's on his birth certificate. Don't most kids know? I mean, I know when my boys are in trouble that full name comes out of my mouth, "Nathaniel Eugene ... "
Just kidding. Neither of my boys is named Nathaniel or Eugene :-)
I am a medical biller. Yes insurances can, and do, deny claims if the name of the patient isn't correct on the claim form. Insurances will do whatever they can NOT to pay, and this is a very easy way for them to do it.
Seems simple enough that your son may be called by a nickname but official documents should have official name...just like every other educational facility. You did the enrollment and payment so it would seem that you can also call a meeting...but would his father then refuse this educational choice since he is in charge of education? What does your son like to be called?
Adding again, not exclusively to the "what happened" posting, but to the discussion group universe in general: I think it would be wonderful if there was an emoji for "what I really want is for everyone to agree with me" at the start of a posting. I know that there are times when I've posted here and been taken aback by responses, but when I examine myself it is because what I really wanted was for everyone to agree with me or endorse my point of view. I have to remind myself: Opinions boards are opinion boards, they aren't a place where you go to have everyone tell you what you want to hear. Again, not directed at OP, but just a general observation.
Adding: What I would like to know: What does your son like to be called? And, does that matter to you and your ex?
School is a tough enough transition for a child without a battle waging between the parents as to what the child is called. When our son started pre-school, he told everyone his name was Monkey. Cause I called him Monkey, not to shame him, but because he jumped and swung from everything like a Monkey and he thought it was a very, very cool name. It made him happy to be called Monkey in preschool, it gave him a connection with home and comfort. I would ask you consider not what you want, not what your ex wants, but what does your son want?
Our son isn't called Monkey now at 14, he requested to be called by his given name by the time he was 5. Your son should have some say in all this, even if he is "only" 2.5.
In your first paragraph, you say that the father is the decision maker for education. This school, private or not, is education. You have some kind of agreement with the father, and if our father has oversight over education, the issue is not with the school...it is with your ex.
What does your son like to be called? I know any number of men who go by Chip, Skip and Buddy. Their legal documents all have their legal names, but otherwise the world knows them by their nicknames.
As for healthcare, your son will not be going to an emergency room on his own...unless the people in his life are letting a child run wild. He will be going with an adult who knows his legal number and most likely would have all his insurance information.
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ETA
Teaching a child to spell his nickname instead of his legal name that he goes by in every situation except dad's house and this church program is not only wrong it's completely oppositional on dad's part.
The school should NOT be teaching him how to write Buddy but teaching him to write the name he'll be known by when he's in real school. Calling him what they want or by what they know him as is one thing but teaching him to write his nickname isn't the way a teacher should be.
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He's found a way around you. I would say that he can come in, at any time, and show any school system his court order and order them to use any name he says the "school/education" should use. My child wouldn't return and I'd be asking for a full refund. Then of course dad will just re-enroll him and they'll call him whatever they want. You have no control over what other people call your child when you're not there.
Have your attorney call the church and inform them that you are seeking counsel in this matter and that you will no longer be paying for his "education" since his father has that legal obligation.
Dad can and will call kiddo whatever he wants. You can and will call him by whatever you want. This is a battle for a judge since neither of you can come to terms with this.
So it's back to court for the two of you.
What judge in their right mind would have signed off on a decree like this? It's insane. Really? You guys should have a mediator sit down with the 2 of you once or twice per year and work out an agreement that you both have to sign off on. Then abide by since it would be filed in your court documents. Stuff like this is going to haunt you the rest of your life.
Of course the other course of action is to enroll him in another place that's child care during the hours you work or in an elementary school pre-K program in his neighborhood.
Do you have documents from the court that show the decision to call your son by his legal name, rather than Buddy? If so, I would bring these to the school. Have you explained to the school your two biggest concerns - 1. the insurance issue and, 2. teaching your son to write his name? Do they understand that both of those are legitimate concerns that can't just be ignored because his dad has a good relationship with the pastor/church? The school simply cannot refuse to change his name on official documents if the court has ordered repeatedly that his legal name must be upheld.
Even after reading your SWH, I'm a little confused about what you mean when you say that the dad is the primary decision maker on education. Is that legal, or is that simply something you have agreed to give him the power to decide? If you continue to have problems with this school, are you required to keep your son there because his dad has the right to make that choice? Or could you possibly look for another Baptist preschool so he's keeping with his dad's religious tradition but in a setting where the dad doesn't have so much influence over the teachers and staff? Maybe the answer is sending your son somewhere where neither of you has special influence.
Perhaps there is a compromise that can be found. Maybe the school can call your son Buddy in conversation, providing they teach him to write his real name and to put his legal name on all paperwork. If he likes being called Buddy, I don't really think it's harmful for them to call him that, as long as the paperwork reflects his legal name and he knows what his real name is in case of an emergency. Even the writing of his name is not a huge deal, as you could teach him at home if you had to. I understand your frustration and can see how annoying the situation is, but hope that you can find a middle ground that keeps your son protected but also keeps his dad happy and avoids conflict.
ask your lawer for assistance. they know the case, they know what the judge has ruled and they know how folks in your area will react. personally i would be upset by this but i wouldn't change anything except to teach my child his real name and help him learn to write it
I would take documents to the preschool from court stating that his legal name is such and such and not Buddy. I would threaten them with my lawyer being involved in the matter. I can understand why you are not married to this man. Buddy is the name of my ex father-in law's dog. Not just his first dog but also his second dog too. Even a president had a dog named Buddy. I fear your ex is going to continue to do things like this if he gets away with it. I have had issues with my ex-husband interfering with school matters of our 2 children for a decade.
It is not uncommon to go through life using a nickname. My father used his nickname his entire life, as did my father-in-law, two of my siblings and a nephew. What name does your child prefer? I suppose you could take the father to court over this matter, or you could accept that your child will go by the nickname and have a legal name change done. If your son wants to use the name "Buddy" consider legally changing his name. Perhaps make "Buddy" a legal middle name to alleviate your worries regarding medical benefits etc.
