So, a month ago I found out that the kindergarten where my son goes is planning a mandatory overnight for all the kids in the third year of kindergarten. Oy, has that month passed by so quickly...
A little background information: We are living in Japan. Japanese kids are not required to attend kindergarten. Japanese kindergarten is three years with the third year kids turning 6 during the school year. The school year starts in April here. The majority of the kids attending this overnight will be 5 year olds. Only those kids with birthdays in the first four months will be 6. My son just started kindergarten this year. We decided to not send him earlier to focus on his English. Up until three months ago, English was the major language he used for communicating. My husband has always spoken Japanese with our son, but our son has mainly used English in his responses until he started kindergarten. Now it is like our whole world has flipped upside down. Our son uses Japanese more at home now, and I must remind him to use English with me. This is wonderful, but his Japanese sounds more like a three year olds speaking ability, rather than a six year old. I understand that this is normal, and I am not worried about his language ability in either language at this point. I am only mentioning it for a concern I will clarify later in the question.
At first I was thinking that the overnight was going to be held at the kindergarten and that parents would be helping out at various stages during the event. When I asked my son's teacher for more information, I was completely surprised by what she said. The overnight will not be at the school, but at a pretty large Forest Park on the other side of our prefecture. (Japan has prefectures instead of states.) No parents will be going on the event. There will be eight teachers assigned to 8 or 9 kids. It takes nearly two hours by highway to get there from the kindegarten. They will leave on Friday morning and come back Saturday afternoon. Friday activities include two hour bus ride, free play in a gym,, lunch that they will make themselves, exploring a pond in the Forest Park (If rain, games in the gym), drawing nature pictures, sento : Japanese public bath, dinner that they will make themselves, class presentations, star watching and fireworks. Saturday they will go hiking and do a nature search before taking the two hour bus ride back. It all sounds like fun, but I am wondering it this is a little too much for 5 and 6 year olds. The bedtime is 9 pm, which is an hour later than my son currently goes to bed.
Most Japanese kindergartens do an overnight, but it is unusual that parents don't attend for at least part of the activities. Here is where I am having some trouble deciding whether or not to let my son attend the overnight.
My son just started to use Japanese more. Although, he understands Japanese, it is sometimes still difficult to undestand what he says in Japanese. That will be fixed with time. (He is doing amazingly considering it has only been a complete three months.)
My son still is not dry at night. He goes through two pairs of pajamas almost every night. Everynight he changes pjs between 1 1/2 hours and 3 hours after he goes to sleep. He never even remembers waking up to change. If I am lucky, it is just the inserted pad that is wet, but this is rare. He is tall and lean, and Japanese pull-ups don't fit his body type at all. We use very thick underpants with a pad, but it still usually leaks. If we are unlucky, than it also leaks onto the bed which I now cover with a superabsorbant matress pad. He is always wet at least once during the night. I have to do accident laundry everyday. The doctors here don't do anything until the kid is over 8 years old. We have tried limiting his water, but it doesn't seem to matter much. So, if my son is thirsty I let him drink. It also seems to not be a problem for most kids. The majority of the moms I ask all tell me that their kids only have accidents sometimes.
My son also snores badly, and sometimes he will hold his breath while sleeping. It scares me so much. I have asked doctors here about it. The answer they gave me was that sleep apnea is a controversial topic for children, and that it is better to simply wait until they are older to take any action concerning that.
Now, my son is suffering from allergies. We are not sure what kind of allergies, but perhaps from pollen since they tend to always be worse during the high pollen times. For the past week, he has had snot blobs smeared all over his face, arms, pillow case, and sheets. The medicine finally seems to be working after usuing it for a week. Today, was a little less snotty. But he will be staying in the mountains.
Also a big concern is the public bath. My son is so modest that he won't even change into the gym clothes in front of his classmates. He goes to the toilet to change his clothes. The public bath is huge. The water will go up to cover the shoulders of a grown man. It is like a swimming pool for a kid. My son has not done the Japanese full water bath thing since he was a baby.
The kids and teachers will all sleep in one big room. I would not want to be the kid sleeping next to my son, not with the snoring, bedwetting and the snot smearing. I can only imagine that my son would be teased badly for it too! Although, his teacher has assured me that bedwetting won't be a problem. Because they keep the few kids who have trouble with bedwetting up a little after everyone else sleeps to change into the pullups, and wake them earlier. My son does not wake up nicely at all. He is a complete monster when I try to wake him up early, kicking, punching, and screaming. He doesn't remember me waking him up to change out of his wet pjs everynight even though I get kicked, punched, and screamed at...
My son has never spent a night out of his own bed away from his home once without his parents. The only time we spent the night away from home was for a week when we visited my family in the States when he was two months old. I have tried to get my husband to let him stay at his grandparents home, but without any success.
Plus, if there is a problem. It takes two hours to get to the place. I don't have a license here. My husband never wakes up once he goes to sleep, and he has been sick for a week now. It would not be easy to find a ride on the highway to the mountains where this Forest Park is located. A taxi would cost a small fortune and I am not sure I want to get in a taxi to go up a mountain. Taxi drivers here are crazy drivers...narrow, curvy roads with no guard rails in the mountains even on the highway part... Of course I would do it if necessary, but I get motion sickness terribly.
So would you let your kindergartener go on an overnight like this with all these doubts I am having about it? My husband says he wants him to go and doesn't see any problems. My son is a little interested in some of the activities planned, but very nervous about the bath,sleeping, food, and hiking part. He is also worried about seeing any wild animals...
So here we are with three nights left to decide... Please give me advice. I don't want to deprive my child of a wonderful opportunity and a chance to bond with his classmates more. Most of his classmates really like him and are interested in him a lot because he is the new kid. The other kids have been together for a year or two already. Most Japanese kids do 2 or 3 years of kindergarten. Sometimes, my son comes home completely overwhelmed by how the kids in his class react to him. I don't want to set him up for teasing, and I don't want it to be a negative experience for him the first time he stays away from home. Trying to weigh the positives with the negatives, but feeling a bit overwhelmed. Help me see what I can't at the moment. Open to all ideas...
Thanks so much!
ETA: I meant that if he were to attend class on that day, it is mandatory that he go on the overnight. He could be absent that day. There is no regular class on this Friday. It will be the overnight.
My husband says that it is not just me worrying about my son, but that other parents worry about their kids on the trip as well. He thinks I am the one with the problem.
When I talked with his teacher, she said that this is one step to letting the do overnight stays in elementary school. Apparently, the kids will do a three night stay at some point in elementary school. She also said that she understands how my son is nervous about the bath, so she could take him alone, after all the other kids are done for just a shower. I am not sure that I am comfortable with that idea either.
Oh, and my sweet son has not missed a night sleeping with his lovey yet. I also don't understand the rush, but I do understand the incredible power of fitting in socially in Japanese society. My son is already the new kid, the one who can speak English which is really cool kid, and the kid with the strange lunchboxes for the fieldtrip days. Fieldtrips have been a major adjustment for me. They are also without the help of parents, but only 3 teacher and a principal. The major positive would be acceptance in the group, but I think the kids already like my son. Plus letting him go, would avoid a massive argument with my husband, but at what cost? I really don't want my son to be embarassed by the bedwetting...
No way would my son be able to do an overnight at that age.
He wanted his own bed, his own routine, his favorite stuffed animal and me nearby.
He wasn't dry over night till he was 7 1/2 and he was 9 years old when he had his first overnight.
He had fun because he was ready for it at that age.
There will be other overnights.
There's no need to do this now if you don't want to.
No f'n way. There is no need for a child that age to go on an overnight like that. And there are a lot of reasons particular to your son too that would make me not send him. Is there really a big upside to him going?... Why rush these things? He'll have countless opportunities to do these things as he gets older. A friend was pressuring me a bit to send my daughter to sleepaway summer camp for a week. I know my daughter could have handled it but again - what's the big upside? Plenty of time for these things...
Wow, you do have a lot of reasons for not wanting him to go, but think about this. All of these other children are able to do this. They do not have a problem with this. I am sure the teachers are VERY capable. Very experienced with all sorts of situations.
I have learned that children are very capable they can handle a lot more than their parents (moms) ever give them credit for.
Any time our daughter had experiences like tis, I had to really keep from holding her back, making excuses for MY insecurities.my husband was even worse. He cannot hold in his concerns. He frets.. But we learned that our child was a trooper. As long as she thought we were ok and told her we knew she would be fine..she could express her concerns, fears, whatever and we would reassure it was all going to be fine.
Our child was not the best student, best athlete, best artist, best singer, the most confident but she was willing to try, especially with our support.
This is an opportunity for him. Do not take it away from him. We have friends living Hong Kong and her children are blossoming. They are teaching their parents about the culture, the language..
I bet your son is extremely bright. He sounds right on schedule with his development, he will do great.. You mom, may need a bottle of wine, but you will also survive... I am sending you strength..
I understand your concerns but I fail to understand where you have to "decide" anything. Didn't you say it was MANDATORY?
Have a talk with the teachers and voice your concerns. If they think that they can handle it and want to handle his issues, then let him go. Don't hold your child back because of cultural differences. If this is what all kindergarteners do in Japan so be it. And I'm sure that if he sees his friends enjoying it, he will enjoy himself as well.
Remember, if you have a lot of fear, he was follow your lead. Rather than scare him by telling him about all of the challenges, hype him up about all of the fun parts and what a big boy he'll be for doing this special trip!
To me this sounds wonderful. I would have definitely sent my children, without hesitation. From what I understand Japanese culture values independence in children, and this sounds like a great exercise in independence. They make a special underpants for older kids called Overnights here. Could you get a hold of some of those? Even if he doesn't go on the trip it sounds like he could use them. Maybe since there are so many issues you could start addressing the issues now (getting some nighttime underpants, weaning off the lovey, getting him used to the baths used to changing in front of his peers) and and then maybe he could be ready for the next overnight?
I am basing this off one factor - bed wetting. That can be so devastatingly embarrassing for a child to encounter with peers. My son's first sleep over (5 yo) was a family sleep over and I made him go to the bathroom three times before bed and woke him up in the middle of the night to make sure he didn't wet anyone else (all the kids slept in a pile on the floor).
I am very PRO sleep over, but not when the consequence for the child could be embarrassment and teasing by his peers. Hold off a year and just tell the teacher why and that you look forward to the trip next year.
good luck.
It seems that you have voiced your concerns to the teacher, who has advised you that the bedwetting and bath won't be a problem. It seems to me that you are looking for excuses not to let him go.
You have already broken with tradition by not sending him to kindergarten when the other kids went. Now you want to keep him home and not go on the overnight. You are not doing your son any favors in being accepted because you keep treating him as if he is different. The other kids will just follow your lead.
Let him go. I'm sure it will be fine.
I understand all of your concerns, but I still think you should let him go.
For the language thing, he will be able to get his point across, even if his Japanese is at a three year old level. Most three year olds can communicate their needs, especially if something is wrong. It will be a good opportunity for him to practice it more, too. I wouldn't worry about the language at all. The fact that he's using it a lot more at home shows he is clearly getting comfortable with it, even if he's not on the same level as his peers just yet.
The bed-wetting... I'm sure you have tried everything. For this night, maybe try two pull ups plus a thick padded insert (or two if you can make them fit. Send him with a waterproof bad to put inside his bed/sleeping bag but under the covers so no one sees. Hopefully it will keep the sheets dry. Talk to the teacher about it again.
Bedwetting combined with snoring and snot - see if he can get a space as close to the teachers as possible. They will be more understanding and tolerant and he won't get teased. He also won't be the only kid there snoring nor the only one who needs a pull up.
The allergies - ask your doctor about giving him something similar to Claritin or Zyrtec to manage his symptoms for the weekend.
The bath - is he naked in the bath, or he just doesn't want to change into his bathing suit in front of the others? If this is a common thing in society, he needs to learn to adjust and do it like everyone else. If it's not something he would face on a semi-regular basis (even just once or twice a year), then I would ask the teacher for a way around it. There's nothing wrong with being modest to a point.
His lovey - bring it!! I bet more than half the kids will have them. I totally would send my kids with their lovies on a trip like this.
Sleeping away from home once in awhile is actually very important, in my opinion. It teaches kids that they can be safe in other places and they don't have to live constantly in the protective bubble of their homes. Plus, if he's with such a big group, he won't miss his bed. He might miss you and feel a bit homesick, but the teachers can help him through it.
Finally, if this is a mandatory trip, remember that the teachers have been doing it for years. They've seen it all - bed wetting, snoring, snot, not to mention things like vomiting, tears, sleepwalking/talking, etc. They are well equipped to handle whatever curveball your son throws their way.
Let him go. I a, sure he is not the only one that wets the bed. Put him in the Japanese pull ups. Better than the whole be wet. Talk to his teachers about your many concerns. You don't want him to go. I think he will have fun. My 6 year old went away with school for three nights. I am sure these teachers have dealt with it all!!!
