Scared Kindergardener

I think at this point you may need some professional help... I'm not saying that the school counselor can't be of assistance, but this goes beyond the normal separation anxiety many kids have with school.

A professional may be able to assess it much more thoroughly, and recommend a proper treatment, whether it be behavioral, or through chemical (anti-anxiety medicines) means.....

I'm not suggesting that you will HAVE to medicate him, but it may need to be considered, to get him over the initial problems he is already having.

I've known middle school students with such severe anxiety that they have trouble coming to school..... I also know one student that, as she did have problems in elementary school, her parents sought treatment through a professional, and that really helped her for her later years. She now goes to school with relatively little problems.

Please don't just homeschool him and hope the problem goes away....... I'm not saying that homeschooling is bad, I just don't want you to think that keeping him home will avoid all the problems... I really feel he needs professional help with this.

I think you both need a bit of professional guidance shall we say. To me school is non negotiable. You must go. Personally I think you have created a monster by holding on so tight. Cut those strings and let him fly. It won't be easy for him initially but in the end you will all be happier.

There are many children who start kindergarten without having gone to daycare or preschool, so that's not super uncommon, and most are able to adust.
But your son seems to have intense separation anxiety.
I wouldn't home school, I would seek some professional help.
Homeschooling is more about personal/family values, and the particular educational goals YOU have as a parent, not about whether your son can function outside of the home (though maybe it WILL in fact come to that, if he truly can't function away from home.)
Please seek some help first. Give him the chance to grow and thrive in the outside world before you decide for sure.

I would talk to the teacher and see if there is some kind of counselor at the school he can talk to, to help with the adjustment. It's normal for kids to go through all kinds of adjustment periods, and it may take longer than you think it should, especially because he has had no socialization or classroom experience prior to Kindergarten. Kindergarten is hard for all kids, even those who went to preschool, so you will just need to be consistent and not make accomodations for him. I think you will do more harm by giving in or making exceptions for him. My son had some adjustment issues, and there was a counselor that he saw the whole first year and he loved her and she really helped with all sorts of things, how to make friends, integrate yourself in group, etc, which was so helpful. Give him a little extra time, and encourage him to make friends, which will probably help a lot. Good luck!

He's obviously got horrible separation anxiety. If you have other children, please leave them occasionally with a babysitter so they don't have to go through this when they're six!

You are going to have to get him used to you/dad leaving and the fact that you will come back.

There is a book called "The Kissing Hand". Get it. It's about a baby raccoon who was afraid to go to school and what his mother told him that helped him.

I don't think that will solve this deep-rooted of a problem. You need to leave him with a babysitter and go out for an hour and then come home. Next day, use the same sitter and go for an hour and a half. He HAS to get to understand that you will be together again.

Poor baby!

Please listen to Amber: Involve the school counselor immediately. Have you done so already? This is exactly the kind of thing that counselors are there for. He may need some sessions one on one with her for a while to let him talk about his fears (and to let the counselor teach him some coping strategies). The counselor needs to be involved because the K teacher has an entire class to handle and teach and cannot give your son absolute one on one attention when he is stressed.

I would ask tomorrow for a meeting with the counselor, the teacher and the principal or vice principal all present; you all need to form a team to get your son through this.

Be aware that the counselor may recommend that your son also see an outside counselor who deals with young kids. Seek out one with experience in separation anxiety. Your son sounds as if he has extreme anxiety, especially with the vomiting; no one should vomit for hours on end because he's just going to school. No one should sleep so little that he's unable to attend school the next day. His anxiety is very serious and he needs more help than you can provide him; please be open to professional help that involves all of you-- you and your husband will probably need to attend some counseling with him, as well.

Be aware, also, that he cannot continue with so little time in school. When you say you've "made it to four days of class this year" do you mean he gets to school four days out of each five-day week, or he has been to K a TOTAL of four days the entire school year so far? I read it as the latter. Either way, very soon you are going to hear from the school that you need to remove him or have him there a certain minimum number of days, or he will have to repeat K anyway next year.

Homeschooliing will make him relaxed and happy, probably. But do you want to set the precedent that he will just stay home for good? If you do not work on this now, with the school and outside professionals, he is going to be homeschooled from now on, permanently. Is that really good for a child with anxiety? Will he ever learn to be in a larger class setting? Even homeschooling does not mean sitting home with mom forever; homeschoolers have classes, events, workshops, field trips with much larger groups of kids. How would he handle that if he can't handle seeing the same set of kids and same teacher each day? Homeschooling just to remove him from the source of the anxiety may not do him any favors.

I'd go in person to the school first thing tomorrow and say you want a meeting the next day with the "team" (plan to meet without your son present, though!) Tomorrow I'd also ask the counselor to have a contact list of professionals you can turn to for help with his anxiety, ready for you to read on Friday at this team meeting. Please be MUCH more assertive with the school about helping you, beyond letting you sit in the classroom. Are the teacher and others aware that he makes himself physically ill every single day you are not in the classroom?

As others note, you have a younger child; please strongly consider preschool for her! It is only a few half-days a week most places but does a great deal to get kids gradually used to being away from home.

This is why sometimes it is best to send them to pre-school altough we as mothers don't think they are ready. I felt this way about my first born and thank God my Dad talked some sense into me. I bit the bullet and I admit, I was freaking out more than he was. He waved me off and I remained at the door hysterical. At this stage of the game, your son is obviously suffering from separation anxiety. Talk to your pediatrician and see what he suggests.

This does sound like much more than the usual separation anxiety. I urge you to talk with the school counselor and consider finding a child therapist to help with it.

I do hope you find ways to have your daughter with others so that she doesn't go thru this. She doesn't have to go to preschool tho that does help most kids. Leave her with friends and babysitters.

I would not home school because of this because doing so would just delay the time in which he would have to be away from you. The key is to find a way for him to get used to being away from you and to have an inner sense of security that you will be at home when he gets there.

As I write this I wonder if he's not mastered the developmental step to know that he's safe even tho he's separate from you and that you are there even when he can't see you. Toddlers work on this step and games help them. Games such as peek a boo and hide and go seek.

Don't feel guilty about not sending him to school earlier. GENERATIONS of kids have not started school until 6 or 7 and been around mom full time until then and did fine. Homeschoolers don't send their kids to school and don't have this problem and their kids are fine. This is NOT you fault whatsoever, no matter what anyone says! :) This is a special issue unique to your son and his special little personality. Now, that being said, he obviously has some sort of a separation issue. If it were me, I would talk to his pediatrician and see what he/she recommends. Honestly, I would homeschool him for now. This is why. He obviously has huge issues with separation, and I am a firm believer that a gradual approach works best. Baby steps, in other words. Take him out of school and start with leaving him with sitters for short periods of time, enroll him in a class of some sort, playgroups, etc. Work with him slowly and then when he's made sufficient progress, try school again - unless you both find he thrives in homeschooling and your whole family is loving it. ;)

What if you homeschool him and it is like sheltering him and he never outgrows this awful anxiety? Maybe this is how people with severe phobias start out and then end up a total recluse. I'm not saying this will happen with your son, but this sounds so over the top extreme. I would definitely work very very hard on socializing him with other people and getting him used to being with others. I would also have him start seeing some really good therapists to help him work on this. Poor child! That must be so hard to see you child that upset. But this is something you have to help him to outgrow. If he has only gone 4 days total to Kindergarten then he has not realized that he truly has to go each day and started really dealing with things. My friend's very shy daughter had a very hard time starting Kindergarten and it took a month of crying and her having an awful time before she realized this is the new reality each day. She then gradually came to love school. But her mom never once gave in. Your son sounds like he has an anxiety disorder, but who am I to diagnose anyone. That's why I think some good therapists should be able to help him.

Why oh why did you do this to the poor child.

I had a shy super shy girl. I knew we had to work on this.. so we went to story time at the library, kindermusik class... every silly thing i could think of to expose her to the world. Then at 3 we started preschool.. 1 day a week 3 hours per day.. then 2 days a week.. yes she cried and was scared her heart was beating so fast... but she got used to it..

so you kept him home for 6 years and now he is afraid of everything.

looks like 2 choices.. tough love.. sorry son.. you are old enough to go to school.. so off you go... send him.. tired or not puking or not.. he goes.

or pull him out and try to socialize him this year.. go to classes, classes where you stay.. then classes where you leave him for short times.. he has to get over this fear at some point.

you can buy a kindergarten curriculum for home school.. letters numbers colors early reading..

N., I'm really sorry. Kids need to learn how to be away from their parents younger than this so that these kinds of things don't happen.

If you can find someone to stay with your daughter (good heads-up for what may happen to her if you don't change some things) then maybe what you need to do is sit in the kinder classroom every day until he can get used to going to school (if the school will let you do it.) This once or twice is not the same - you would need to tell him that you will be there every day and not put a time limit on it.

Otherwise, I don't see an alternative to homeschooling.

Kinder is NOT supposed to be this hard. However, it is for your child because you didn't prepare him to be away from you.

If this persists, I'd take him to a counselor to get help. Your son has a real phobia now to being away from you. It is not healthy, N..

Don't make this mistake with your younger child. Change things up. You have to do it, now that you see what your son is going through.

Good luck,
Dawn

You need to sit down with the school and discuss options. He's 6 so he's required by law to be in some school of some sort. He's missed all but 4 days and it's Halloween? Is he even going to be passed to 1st grade on attendance alone? You need to talk to them about your options and if you homeschool him, you need to find some resources - I suggest looking for a co op program so he's still with other kids some of the time and not just at home. I would also talk to the pediatrician about his extreme reaction and anxiety. That is not normal and you can't keep him home with family forever. Please seek professional help about his behavior. This is not normal "I miss mommy" behavior.

Ok - First, you can't change the past. Although as some have mentioned you should probably make some changes for what you do with your daughter to try to avoid this for her.

Second, he must be in school. Whether you decide to homeschool or continue with public school you will be in trouble for truancy if he is not attending. You should involve the school counselor so you can show you are trying and are not just keeping him out of school for no reason. He DOES need to do something, however.

Third, it may be time for "tough love" as some have called it. It seems odd that neither of you can leave. Even to go next door. What does he do if one of you leaves for work? As much as it breaks my heart to think of a child being so distraught at being at school that he vomits, it breaks my heart even more to think of how this is going to hold him back in the future. He will get over it. Will it take a while? Yes. But he will. The best thing to do is to take him, tell him you love him and you will see him after school, give him a hug and leave. Don't make a big deal out of it. MUCH easier said than done, I know, but it is what is best for him in the long run. Just make sure you are ALWAYS on time to pick him up so he doesn't panic when school is over.

This is not an easy situation. We all hate for our kids to be upset! But he IS old enough to understand that you will come back. He may not like it, but he can understand the concept. My son used to cry when my husband dropped him off in 1st grade, and he would just get "sad" sometimes in class because he missed us, but he did go and he adjusted.

You may consider letting him keep a photo of the family in his pocket or something like that as a "comfort object".

I would not do the home schooling, you would be doing your son a total disservice. He needs interaction with kids his own age.
1. I would try to set up some playdates with kids in the neighborhood. Start off with having the other child over at your house, and then switch to their house. After he is comfortable at your neighbors house leave and run some errands.
2. I would start with asking the school if you can help in the class room a couple of days a week. While you are helping in class get your daughter into a daycare program, so that she is more comfortable.
3. Talk to your sons doctor, I am not really into medicating children for unneed things, but I think to help you and your son get started, it may be definitely worth it.

I'm not saying to do the above things in this order, but it is someplace to start. Your son will probably need to redo kindergarden next year, because I am sure that he is behind at this point. I can't beleive the difference in what they are learning now as oppose to when I was in school. They have probably already started reading.

I am so sorry your little guy is having such a hard time!! I know this must be taking it's toll on the whole family! On the homeschool front there is a ton of wonderful curriculum out there :) We use one called My Father's World and it is amazing. It takes about an hour to 1.5 hrs per day and it is so great with painting, crafts, counting, letters, early reading, the works. I am also a part of a homeschool association in my area with field trips, park days etc. We did a field trip to a science place where he got make slime, watch volcanoes erupt etc. So if you do decide to go the homeschool route, just jump on the net and look up homeschool convention in your area and that can give you a great start to learning about homeschooling and getting a great overview of curriculums out there. You also may want to look up homeschool associations in your area. That's what I did, I chose the largest one that was open to all races, religions etc. You can probably attend a meeting before joining, that's what I did and I learned so much. Now my son does gets to hang with kids from all walks of life sometimes :) Anyway, I know tons of people do the whole school all day thing and their kids do alright but it is hard for little ones who have been home all the time to go to school ALL day. Maybe give homeschool a try or just put out feelers and see if it is right for you before deciding your son has some major problem. Children are all different, they mature differently and the public school is set up for them to all function about the same, I mean they have too many kids for any other way. Hang in there, hope you get it sorted out soon!

I'm so sorry your little one is struggling so deeply! His responses are so traumatic, I would definitely seek professional advice from a child development specialist or play therapist.

I have a very sensitive 4-year-old girl, who took a very long time to feel comfortable in a group setting without me there - I was basically her only caretaker until she was 2. I received invaluable advice from a knowledgeable play therapist, and used age appropriate books as well as role-playing with dolls to help her prepare mentally for the experience. Gentle transitions were important for her. When she reached preschool age, I chose her school carefully - not all schools are sensitive to the needs of individual children. For K-5, there may be charter schools or school-of-choice options in your area. My daughter is now thriving in a public Montessori school, which I was able to enroll her in through a school-of-choice program.

Oh wow, that's not good.

I'm so sorry your little one is having such a hard time.

I advise, based on his age and the severity of his anxiety attacks, lack of sleep and general "trauma," that you skip over the school counselors and go straight to your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist. Once you have one, let the school counselors know what is going on and that you plan to send him hopefully next year after some time and treatment.

I also agree with those who say that you should just pull him out of regular school, and with the guidance of the psychologist, work on some behavior modification to help with his anxieties. He needs to go places that aren't his house and play with other kids. Join the YMCA and put him in a class where he stays for 1 hour and you come back. Find 2 hour Gymboree style classes. Get him to the point where he can do 1/2 a day of preschool class at the YMCA (which is very structured like a kindergarten). It will take work, but he NEEDS that socialization to see that the world is a safe place.

During this time, I would also advise that you go to Barnes and Noble and pick up a few of the kindergarten books for reading, writing, numbers, etc. You want to ensure that he is still in a learning environment. Teach him for a set number of hours, with breaks for snacks and "recess," just like if he were in the classroom. I'd set a goal of 1/2 a day of "school" each weekday. Some of his problem may be that he's never been expected to go and do and be where someone else expects him to be....which makes it hard to adjust to a classroom. So ensure that he has a "desk" area with a chair his size that he is to stay in, that he has to ask to use the restroom, and other similar classroom requirements. Even say "okay, we're going to be at school in our house now," and when you're done, say "okay, we're done with school, now we're at home." It might seem like silly pretend play, but will help him get in the mindset.

Good luck!