Scared. - Overland Park,KS

This isn't really a question as much as it is my need to vent and get some things off my chest.

Last week I went to the doctor and the nurse practitioner measured me (my doc ran out for delivery). She said I was measuring about 29.5cm as opposed to the 32+ that I should be (and she's always been fairly small). So naturally I got a little worried. She said if they measure me this week and I'm small again they'll do a sonogram and compare her growth to the 20 week one and it could mean bed rest and/or delivery and she might possible have IUGR. It just makes me upset now because I know she's small and then people come up to me and say, "Oh my goodness! You're so tiny!" (I'm not upset at these people by any means- I do look fairly small- and like they can know all that's going on). I don't want to be tiny. I'm over 8 months pregnant- I should be big and fat and complaining about how bloated my ankles are. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I've eaten fairly healthy (I'm never going to deny that I eat junk...I'm eating chocolate cheesecake right now! Haha!). I do know that sometimes things just go wrong (my first was a fairly complicated pregnancy, too). It doesn't make me feel any better. When I lay down on my back, my stomach is there, but for sure isn't the size it should be. It's hard as a mother to not blame the things that go wrong (or could go wrong) on yourself.

Second, these darn contractions. I used to take Trebutaline on an as needed basis. I took it with my first daughter after pre-term contractions at 30 weeks and it worked great. Sure, it made me utterly miserable and completely crazy feeling, but it kept her in safe and sound. The past week I've had to take it 'round the clock- which is fine. Saturday I noticed I was having quite a few contractions so I took a pill and laid down for a bit. It seemed to help a lot but not all the way- I was still having a few here and there through the meds. Sunday at church they were 7 minutes apart. As soon as we left and I was able, I took another pill. This was at 12:30. In the past, the meds just kicked right in and it was no big deal. Well even after taking that pill, it just slowed the contractions down to about 15 minutes apart. I eventually called the doctor that was on call and asked if I should get a higher dosage or what and she just said (very irritated sounding) that I should take another pill. I didn't question her even though the bottle said just take one every 8 hours and took another pill- which in turn made me even more shaky and jittery and about 10,000* F (it makes your heart rate jump). Even after that I still had a few. They weren't consistent or anything but the fact that I was having them through 2 doses of "crazy pills" isn't good...at least to me. I didn't call back because, well, I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because she seemed irritated about my calling in the first place and who really wants to spend their night being monitored in the hospital? Not me. Also, when I have them, they don't really hurt, they're just that uncomfortable tightening and then I get a little nauseas.

So needless to say, I'm just a little scared. I try to keep reminding myself that we aren't even for sure if anything is wrong with Ellie but you always have that thing in the back of your head that is worrisome. Ugh. I just hate feeling this way! Not to mention- what the heck am I gonna do if I do have to go on bedrest!?! That's a whole other worry right there!

Well, thanks for letting me vent. I decided it wouldn't be too nice to wake my husband up at 5am and tell him all of my fears. Lol!