Saying No

Maybe just ignoring it when he says no and not make a big deal out of it. It sounds like when he says this word he knows he is going to get a reaction out of you.

I learned a lot from the Happiest Toddler on the Block DVD. Have only had time to read a small amount of the book. I agree, kids will act the way you act and they are limited in their way of expreissing themselves at this age. I acknowledge that I understand what my daughter says by repeating it back to her, sometimes several times, and giving her a different way to express herself.

I don't give her negative consequences for expressing her feelings, especially if she is acting the same way I do! If she is acting badly, I think it is very important to see if I'm doing the same thing and then change my behavior as well as explain to her that I have, for example, yelled, that I should not yell, and I will try very hard to speak softly.

She does have consequences for bad behavior. Lately, telling her that her babies (dolls) will have to be put away for 10 minutes is working very, very well!!! So much more effective than timeout! (Dr. Phil says we all have our "currency", you just have to discover what your child's is!)

I am so against punishing for expressing feelings, wants, likes, dislikes... I grew up that way and became a people pleaser, no opinion of my own, afraid to say no, believing that the other person must always be right, and not trusting my parents enough to share anything with them (might be grounded for saying what I thought...). This went on well into adulthood and it is a life full of problems when you let others determine what is right for you. I want so very, very much better for my daughter, so am careful to sort out bad behavior from expressing feelings and thoughts. (Yes, this makes parenting even more challenging!!)

P.S. Even as I child, I found it very hypocritical that mom and dad could act one way and I had to "behave" and not act the way they did. It simply did not make sense!

M.

what's worked for us with our almost 4 year old and almost 3 year old is when they do say something like that (something we don't want them to say or do)
I've said to my son 'you can say that nicer by saying no mommy i don't want to do that right now' and i say it to him the way i want to hear it. he caught onto that one pretty quickly when i was potty training him and would frequently ask him if he had to go potty and he would almost yell nooooo..lol
and if he would say it the other way a few times after telling how i want to hear it, i would just ask him. 'is there another way you can say that to mommy'..then he would change it.
works with whining too.. when he whines i ask. are you whining.? he then usually changes his tune.
when they get angry and hit, i've been now trying to get across to them they can let mommy and daddy know they are upset with words instead of hitting. and tell them to say things like 'i'm angry' or i'm upset. .it's pretty funny almost to hear my almost 3 year old say 'i'm angry' . my son has used 'i'm upset with you' when i've given him a time out for still hitting anyway..lol me..ugh.

it's gradual so don't expect over night he's gonna just switch..
but.. that's what works for us :-)
i think i've been pretty lucky with my kids temperments when i hear other mom friends talk about some situations.. but they are still young and i have LOTS of time for that to all catch up with me..lol
good luck:-)

Your last sentence contains a lot of insight, C. :] It's not likely that you CAN teach your toddler to do something different than what you do with them. Children learn in a much deeper way from modeling than they do from verbal instruction, especially before they have a "working vocabulary". Maybe you and your toddler need to strike a bargain about using softer words with each other?

This is a difficult (but important!) behavior, and in part it is about their new awareness that they are a separate individual. Given their language and emotional "maturity" this is their effort to expres their newfound "independence". You can take comfort in the fact that this means they feel SECURE in their development. Of course THEY don't know all that! lolol

Frustration is also a key to this behavior, and one of the most common for toddlers, who have their own agenda in their "disney land" world, is transitions from what THEY are doing or want to do to what WE want them to do next. Preparing them to move from one thing to the next with a "few minutes until" is very helpful for children well into their teens. Then when the two minutes is up, you can say, "It's TIME to do this or that", and the enemy is the clock, not you.

I do have a funny story that will help you see that you are far from being alone in this one. When my first daughter was born, I was determined she would NOT say NO, so I very intentionally used the word QUIT when I needed her to stop doing something. So her first "mad" word was "KIT!"

Hope you find something useful in this. And if you know anyone who is considering a nanny in the area for the near future, feel free to share my e-mail address :}

Just say to him, please don't talk to mommy like that. You can not tell me no. Now, do as I say, please. When he complies, say thank you. Time outs work the best at this age. But to tell the whole truth. I still have trouble with my kids in that area. They don't tell me no, but they are mouthy and they try to yell. I make sure they understand they cannot boss me around. I tell them I am the parent, they are the kids. They have to listen to me until they are out of the house: (9 years from now) LOL. Good luck and be consistant. That works the best.

Don't give a warning. I have taken my son to a Pediatric Phyciatrist for behavieral problems, and this is what he said, I should have been doing all along.

A. W

He's just trying to exert his independence. Try giving him two choices instead of telling him what you want him to do. For example, when getting dressed, ask him if he wants the train shirt or the Mickey Mouse shirt, or something like that. Make sure the choices are something you like as well. If he's doing something he shouldn't, give him the choice between stopping his behavior or a consequence. Like, you may stop shouting or you may go to your room. What would like to do? My son is almost 4 and that works really great for him. If you give him a little bit of control (or at least let him think he's in control) he will stop digging his heals in and become much more agreeable.

sometimes I think this age is more just looking for a reaction to you or wanting some interaction with you. When my dau. does that, I do 1 of 2 things. I don't respond to her statement, but I take her hand and help her start. Or I'll just not respond to the "no" say again the statement.

sometimes I think more of a big deal you make out of it, the more kids hang on to it.