"Say You'll Think About It"

We are open for negotiations. When there is no way my No is changing, I tell her "no negotiations" on this one. I also usually explain my No's to her, so she understandings my thinking.

When my daughter was about 2.5, a friend of mine started calling her "little lawyer." It's never too early to learn reasoning/thinking skills, so Yes, if she can give good reasons to change my No, I will change it.

I, like you, had a mother that never changed her mind and never apologized for anything. And like you, I thought she can't always be right and it would be been nice to just once hear her acknowledge that she was wrong. So, if I think it over and do think I was wrong or too quick to assume something, I will say that I've changed my mind and I will also apologize when I think I was wrong. I think it's important for children to see their parents accept responsibility if they are wrong - it teaches the child that it's okay to be wrong and that the right thing to do is accept responsibility.

I am willing to change my mind with the right case presentation. I may not see all angles of the arguement, but then again a 5year old does not either.

Having come from a childhood home that was extremely strict and rigid, I absolutely parent differently. Just like your mother, my parents NEVER gave in, even when they were wrong or heavy-handed. I don't think this is a good example to live by, really, because we ALL make mistakes, even as parents. Sometimes I've made rash proclamations or decisions in regards to our daughter, and I later do go back, revisit the reasons behind those decisions and I have been known to, yes, "think about it" and change my mind in her favor. I think this is good and I think it's healthy. It shows that we all make mistakes and it shows that nothing is written in stone. You know -- reality!! ;)

Added: my daughter has "petitioned" me to think about something differently (she's 6) and if she presents a good defense and I agree, then I'm likely to change my mind. I like to be reasonable.

There's a BIG difference between consistency and inflexibility.

I'm willing to change my mind, if my first judgement was not correct. However, I'm not willing to re-think something I KNOW is correct, because my child told me to. I am willing (in the future, he is too young now) to hear my child out, when they are making mature arguments. My parents never did that and it drove me crazy.

Why is thinking about something before automatically responding in the negative being inconsistent? Heck, why is changing your mind about something, when it makes sense to do so, considered inconsistent? I would call this "unyielding," not inconsistent, and I don't see how this benefits our kids.

Sometimes I need to give a request some real thought and/or consider my kiddos reasoning. I like to be rational and have good reasons for my decisions. If I find that I gave a knee-jerk negative response to a request, I'm totally willing to rethink it if the situation warrants it. If I change my mind, though, I want to have a good reason and to communicate this to my kid. For this reason, I often say "I don't know" or "maybe" or "I'll think about it". I don't feel it's helpful to obstinately stick by a poorly thought-out response.

My 4.5 yo is our future attorney. My negotiating skills have been well honed in the past 2-3 years. She is bright, assertive, and persistent. Although it can be annoying to have to negotiate at times, I think it will be a great skill for her to have in the future (as long as she learns to accept a firm "NO" gracefully, and we're working on that).

I think when your child asks you to think about it, she's asking for respect or validation. She has wants and needs just like you or anyone else. Doesn't mean she can have everything she wants, but she does deserve some validation. Thinking about it might signify to her that you are considering her point of view, and even if you end up giving her an answer she doesn't like or agree with, it might make her feel like her voice was heard. I don't think there is a thing wrong with that.

I am willing to change my mind, I think it is responsible parenting to be able to negotiate and compromise with your children and to listen to their perspective to make a clear cut decision. However, you have to still remain consistent and teach your children when it is not open for negotiation.... or whining.

If/when I change my mind, or am ruminating about something per my child... I WILL.... talk with them/explain my thought process and articulately... so THAT... my child then learns... deductive reasoning and the why's or why nots, of what I am going to decide.
This is so that.. my kids learn... the thought process and can then, think on their own too.
Not just thinking, about things in a rigid same ol' manner, void of the ability for thinking outside the box.
This... is life education, for them too.
For me, this is as important... as a child learning right from wrong. It is a part of life. The ability and skill... to think about a decision... and fully in all aspects.

My late Dad, did that with me.
I valued that.
He'd even take us to his business meetings, to observe things. So that... we then could learn, about how to discern and analyze and think... about the whole process of something.

My kids, who are 5 and 9, are good thinkers. And not followers. But very well behaved and in school, too.
They choose friends well, and are not copy cats.
That to me, is golden and reflects that they can think, on their own, and have self-confidence in themselves. Because.... they can think, on their own.

I pick and choose of course, the times to do this. Of course there are rules for my kids. But I also teach them... that not everything is a "no" and not everything, thoughtless.

My sister has a great phrase: "If you change a no to a yes, make sure it's a gracious yes."

That is to say, changing one's mind because we've thought things over is fine, as long as we are doing it because we feel good with it. A grudging "yes" is worse than the 'No', because we are going to be p.o.ed anyway.

One thing I do like to do (often, to buy a clear minute to think) is to give my son a "Let me think about it for a few minutes" right as soon as he asks the question, before I give a yes or no. This allows me to be sure of my answer and avoids the 'automatic no'. Instead, I can often give a clear reason for my no, or to be certain of why I am saying yes.

I think your desires (especially regarding your remembrances of that particular interaction with your mother) are lovingly infomative. Try not to box yourself in, either way.

And when I do give a no, I stick with it. So there's the consistency portion, too.

well, you probably won't even read my answer b/c you've already gotten 39 at this point....but i liked your post so i'm responding! lol
anyway, i was thinking about this whole thing the other day. i can be impulsive, i can even dole out discipline or consequences impulsively. the other day i told my toddler if he did bad behavior again then we weren't gonna have story time. something we both love before bed. i guess he did it again, maybe a smaller scale (i really can't remember sorry!) but anyway, instead of NO stories, i just reduced it to just 1 book instead of 3 or 4. mind you, he's a toddler but i still told him i was sorry for taking away all his story time & we could stilll read one that night. he wasn't asking or whining for the storytime but i personally felt the consequence didn't match the behavior, so *i* changed my mind. not him being whiney about it. my point is, i think it IS okay to go back to your kids & say you'll think about it. behaviors & decisions happen so fast i think it's silly to expect that what comes out of our mouths every single time is exactly what we want to have happen if we'd not answered so quickly or just plain had more time to think about it. does that make sense? i'm teetering back & forth & trying to figure this all out...but i appreciate you bringing it up. hopefully my post makes a LITTLE sense to anyone out here! geez! :) lol

HA in my house I'll think about it means......... yes. People change their minds everyday. Have you ever told your kids you would do something, then something came up? If you want them to learn and accept change then you need to be just as flexible as you are wanting them to be. Ill get asked something and reply with an automatic no, so they ask if Ill think about it (apparently its something they really want because they dont ask at every no they get) So then I need to think if its really a big deal if this or that is done. If it is worth the battle if I stand firm or if it really doesnt matter and who its affecting. Maybe I change my mind a lot, or perhaps its never really made up.

I think it's okay to think about it. BUT, not every time. Sometimes the answer is just yes or no and you need to stick by that. That is consistent. "I will think about it on this one."

My Mom used to say "maybe." We learned that "maybe" usually meant if we needled her long enough we had a high chance of getting what we wanted. Which might be okay....... she never let us do anything unsafe and didn't overindulge us..... but you see where you have to be a little bit careful. Once the needling starts, then I go directly to "no" so that they understand that won't work.

I think it's good to be consistent, but I also think it is good for your kids to know you are considering them and not being rigid.

I think that if a child has the general attitude of obedience and accepting our nos, then we are more open to reconsider changing our minds. If they tend to be argumentative and not accepting our answer with grace and joy, then we tend to stick to our guns. We need the attitude to be one of obedience, so the particulars of random requests just aren't important in the big picture. Character is way more important to us than a particular request or event.

I think its awesome that your child is learning negotiation skills, albeit very basic ones at this point.

It seems right that children should feel they have a voice. And where better to establish that voice than at home. I find it especially wonderful that their different perspective brings a new angle to a situation such that it is beneficial to all. Many, many times my daughter has responded to a no or even a punishment with a suggestion that makes sense for all of us. Its also important, when you've denied a request or taken away a toy or privilege, to give your child a chance to earn it back. A discussion (negotiation, if you will) about how to earn it [back] would involve your child and focus on modeling positive behavior.

My son, 7, is now at the point where he negotiates rather than begs. He's come up with a way to get that dog he's been asking for, such that I am more assured he will be involved in its care. And I am pleased he came up with it. It means he will value it more; much as my daughter valued her American Girl Doll which she saved up for an entire year to buy.

Sadly, my surviving parent is still inflexible and I've given up trying to negotiate!

Yep. Mind changing is preferred.
Here's what I tend to do. If I KNOW there is absolutely no way under the sun or stars that I will allow whatever the request is, I IMMEDIATELY tell them "no". No sense in letting them go on and on and on and on... thinking MAYBE they'll convince me.
If I really don't like the request, but there is a small possibility that I may reconsider in the future, I'll say "not right now".
If I am sure I want the response to be "no", but I don't know if my husband would say "no" and may cause me to reconsider, then I say "let's wait and talk with Daddy".
If I don't like it, but there is no real reason, and I might decide it is easier to say yes than deal with saying no, and there is no "down" side---then I say "I'll think about it."

With those statements in play, NO. I never "change my mind". I always leave myself room to change my mind in the way I answer. Because consistency DOES matter. So don't give an ironclad response, if you think you might change your mind. It's really pretty simple, in my opinion...

And frankly, I think it is a great example to show your kids: Taking time to think about something before giving approval, or deciding on something. Not rushing in without considering all the ramifications. It also gives THEM a chance to consider the ramifications, and try to persuade me how the downside can be ameliorated.
:)

Oh.. and in cases where something was said as a definitive answer, and then it DID end up changing.... that's when you talk with them and discuss that particular instance. Most kids do alright with flexibility if you give them a chance to understand how it works, and don't just do it arbitrarily....

If I'm on the fence about changing my mind, I tell my daughter I will if she makes a good, reasonable argument for her case. I figure it's a good lesson in learning how to use evidence and reasoned arguments to persuade someone to your side.

I'll also change my mind if I find out I was wrong or more evidence shows me I was wrong.

Like a PP, sometimes I do have to think about something before I give an answer.

Ah....this is a balancing act of an issue.

You don't want your child begging you constantly to change your mind or whining about a decision...

I ran into too many times where they caught me at a bad time and wanted an answer right away and I made the wrong decision.

Then a wise friend gave me the line I often use...."If you need an answer now, the answer is "no", but if you can wait until I have time to think about it (or discuss it with your dad or whatever...)...the answer may be different."

Now, all I need to say is "If you need an answer now..." and my kids know what the rest is. Gives me time to process the request and not make a rash decision or one that I might be sorry about if I had taken time to think about it before responding.

sometimes if i say no and then he just super sweet and being very helpful without being asked, then I will give me back his privledge. I don't do it all the time though.
When we were little, and if our parents said no, we would send in our one sister because she never took no for an answer. she knew how to wear them down.

Our children tell us so many things and show us so many things about our own self if we know how to pay attention. This seems to be your aim. While I don't think she should be allowed to say this to you as a regular thing as it would end up causing conflicts especially as she gets older, I do think she is telling you something about herself and you. It's okay and even good for kids to know that sometimes there are exceptions. But they also need to know that there are certain ways to ask and that certain things can never be an exception, something obvious like playing in the street is easy but there are others not so well defined. We need flexibility in life without it we're ridged and become crystalized. Consistency at all cost can be stifling to say the least if it's just about hard and fast rules. More important is how your consistency is in your approach to life and to her. Obviously children need stability but this comes with love and security in that love which comes in warmth. Consistent warmth and a williingness to hear her but not allow her to speak to you in this manner. Tell her that you always think about what you're saying to her and there's no need for her to say that. But sometimes you need to think about it again and sometimes not. And sometimes, just sometimes you change your mind. The danger with this approach is the child thinks that that sometimes can be turned into all the time. So you really have to watch it. When there are exceptions for certain things or times the child always feels extra special. I tell my six year old that we are making an exception and we're going to do.... And now she takes notice when those exceptions come up as they do now and then and she'll say, we're making an exception right, cause we don't do this very often and she just glows.
Well, thats my two cents and then some. Peace, C.

Most of the time the conversation is like this;

Linney: "Can I have one more Halloween candy?"
Me; "Nope"
Linney: "Please???"
Me: "Nope"
Linney: "Pleeeeease???"
Me: "Nope. Hey! Ask again! I might say yes!"
Linney: "Can I have one more Halloween candy?"
Me: "Nope. Hey! Ask again!!"
And sulking ensues.

But I've been known to barter. I'll give ten more minutes on the DS for a NO WHINING bedtime.

Man, your girl is wicked smart L.!

I had pretty strict parents and no meant no.
If we dared bug or beg....anything we asked for a couple of days after that was a NO.
It might sound mean, but have you ever seen a kid that won't take no for an answer? Please, please, please, please, I'll do this IF, I'll never ask for anything again IF...
Maybe it's something I got from MY mom, but I find that quite annoying.
I don't think there is a single kid on the planet that thinks ALL parental decisions are right or reasonable. Or fair.
Sometimes kids want things that aren't right or reasonable or fair and NO is the only logical answer.
If you were to ask my kids, they would tell you that if I said I would "think about it", they assumed the answer was no and that was the end of their asking.
That's not to say I wouldn't investigate further, for instance an invitation to go somewhere with other people, clarifying times, etc, but if it wasn't something that would work out with our schedule or conflict with another commitment, no was a definite no. I could think about it for 2 days and it would still be NO.

Yes...we are advocates for our children, but part of that is teaching them NO is part of life and as parents, we might make decisions all the time that seem unreasonable to a child. Kids want what they want. That's totally normal. I don't think we can worry about hurting their feelings for not letting them have everything they want.
You wish you had a memory of your mom changing her mind. Don't let that factor in with your decisions pertaining to your daughter.
You're an adult looking back, but you have to know that wishy washy parents are very confusing for kids. I know so many kids that truly believe that NO means "maybe" or ultimately "yes" once they wear their parents down enough.
There is something to be said for NO meaning NO.

No offense and just my opinion.

You might treat this as an invitation to explain your rules. As in, "The reason I decided TV is not okay on school nights is ________________, but we can save your favorite show for the weekend." Your daughter (and my son too, FWIW) is probably outgrowing the stage where they really need a simple, "No, Do not touch the stove. It's hot, it's dangerous, no." In other words, you can develop your daughter's capacity to reason and think through consequences without relinquishing your authority.

Definitely willing to change my mind. I want my kids to develop critical thinking skills and learn to advocate fearlessly for themselves and what they want/think is important, because I am missing that trait and it definitely affects me professionally. I was taught that "no means no." My FIL claims that he doesn't even hear the first 4-6 "no" answers and will only back down when he gets to maybe 10. Guess who retired early with a ridiculous pension, tremendous health insurance benefits and got to keep not only his company car forever (a Camaro convertible no less LOL) but also get a gas and maintenance plan that lasted 2 years after he retired? No me!

My kids know that they won't get me to change a decision all the time, and definitely not if they whine, complain or try to do an end run around me and get my husband to agree, but they do know that if they can make their case, I will at least listen to them. If I don't change my mind, I let them know - respectfully - why.

We're preparing kids to deal with the real world. The real world is not fair or consistant. I'm NOT saying we should be deliberately unfair or inconsistant. Just that we should do the best we can withOUT giving ourselves ulcers trying to be perfectly fair or perfectly consistant and WHILE remebering that when we make mistakes we're providing ourselves with an EXCELLENT opportunity to model to our kids the right way to deal with their own mistakes!

I have worked extremely hard to have great communication with my 18 year old daughter. This also means admitting MY faults and changing decisions through the years, not because she begged but I saw the situation a different way. It has proved to be quite successful in our home, there was no teenage drama or door slamming...just great communication.

I think you have a very bright 5 yr old. lol I am in to compromise for some things.

It depends on the situation. Sometimes getting all the info gives you something to chew on. As kids get older, there's more wiggle room. If the reason you don't want kid to go to the party is that you don't want to pick her up at 10PM, then what if she got a ride home? For example. You might want to say, "I'll think about it, but then you still need to accept my answer."

There were times where I wish my mom had just listened and thought about my POV more, so where warranted I try to listen. Even if I still say no, I want it to be a considered decision if it's really important to my child.

I love this question and all the answers. And I completely agree that you have the right to think about a decision and change (or not change) your mind. It's not wishy-washy, it's modelling good decision making. I also think this has an interesting impact in the classroom. A good teacher of 50 children years ago said "Do it." and children did it. Period. A good teacher of 20 children today works to channel them into a workable group, with room for the various opinions and questions of their students and enough structure and class standards to move that group forward. This is a great world, isn't it? Thanks for the question.

I agree that you need flexibility as well as consistency but if you give an answer and they know you may change your mind, they are more apt to pester you because they know they stand a chance. I prefet to stick w/ my answer once it is given. If I am willing to give it more thought I may say "I doubt it but I'll think about it" or "I'll get back to you". I have also said "I will think about it but if you ask one more time the answer will be no for sure".

I'm all about consistency as well but I'm also about giving my children respect and I sometimes find it impressive how my son will want to discuss a decision. I admit that I may sometimes say "no" out of reflex or frustration and my son, who is 5, will come back with what he calls another "Plan". He handles is very maturely and always seems to offer up doing something he typically doesn't want or like to do, or something that he finds difficult in order for me to change my mind. Alot of times I actually like the alternate "Plan" he comes up with and I sometimes will change my mind. And other times I will explain why my "No" isn't negotiable and he normally can accept it when I explain. I like that he can discuss it without whining or crying and I think it encourages him to be more accepting when the answer stays No. I also think he feels respected (at least I hope he does, b/c that's the goal) that I will listen to what he has to say and make a decision based on our discussion. Believe me I also use the "Because I said so" at times. I also sometimes will say that I'm going to let him make the choice but I spell out a negative consequence prior to him making the choice and I find he actually chooses the right thing. So, I think I'm in the willing to change my mind, but not when it's just "giving in".

Life is not black and white and I do want to raise a child that is up to deal with things as they come along. I also WANT her to grow to be able and courageous enough to question the status quo and learn when and how to respectfully challenge authority. That is what I model.

Some things are non-negotiable, for example how we behave with each other, being respectful and responsible.

Other things ARE negotiable and every now and then I will change my mind on something if my daughter makes a compelling argument... little things where one over the other really does not make a difference in the big scheme of things.

My daughter is 4 and she knows pretty well which things she can negotiate for and which are firm. The ones that are firm however, are FIRM and I am always consistent on them.
I think this is part of choosing the things that are important to you.

As a mom of kids older than yours (12 and 16), my suggestion is rather than give an automatic yes or no every time your child asks, take a minute to think about whether this is a definite yes or no. A lot of things could seem to be "no" but if you give them a little more thought, are they? I'm not saying that you should change your mind if you've said no already, because at her age, she'll think that she can beg for whatever she wants and change your mind. Rather than an immediate decision, let her know you'll think about whatever it is, as long as it's a reasonable request.
Consistency IS important. My 16 year old has said for years that if she asks us for something, 90% of the time she knows what the answer will be because we are consistent and she understands the rules and values of the household, because we have been clear about them
Good luck!

I'm willing to give 'it' some thought and change my mind IF it's reasonable....kind of depends on what "it" is though!
Generally, a punishment shouldn't be changed I don't think.
A possible purchase--maybe....
To be allowed to go somewhere or join something--sometimes the first knee-jerk reaction is just that.

I think it's OK to occasionally say, "I changed my mind." That's life. And your kids will realize that soon enough.
Your post made me giggle though because my husband and I have noticed that people from up north often say, "Just think about it," and that's a running joke in our house.
I can just hear a five year old saying something like that. Hilarious. :)

I'm willing to change my mind on certain things but in reality, my kids bug me to death as it is. If I change my mind too often, I'll go insane with all five kids wanting me to change all the time. They already re-ask questions in hopes that I have forgotten and change my answer. It drives me CRAZY! =D Even if I was going to change my mind and they bug me, the answer is no. LOL

I think there are some children who try to get a parent to change their minds all the time. (Budding attorneys, I think!) And then there are kids who do it when they really feel that way. I do think there is a place for negotiation, and it's good for a child to learn to use some critical thinking skills when they are young, in a safe environment. But if you allow too much of it, it's a rude awakening when they go off to school or other places where people will not let that go on. Children do need to know that sometimes, what an adult says, goes.

Dawn

As a mother of a son with autism, life in his younger years had to be about the rules.....I had to teach him to actually think outside the box and realize there was a grey somewhere between the black and white.
Sounds like your sweet one has already figured out that she has the power of persuasion in her hands and that perhaps her input will cause you to think about changing your mind. She is also probably very intelligent and just needs more information about the "why" of your answer, and is trying to gain some independence by having her feeling considered.
If you think there is a decision that she should have input on, get a sheet of paper and fold it in half. Write on one side..plus...and the other ...,minus. Then both of you write down the reasons it should or should not be allowed. She might just need a tangible way to see how you made your decision. She is learning life lessons about how you think, and it will give you an opportunity to explain to her some things about life (what could happen if there wasn't a rule/stories about what happened to others when they did or didn't follow rules, and even sharing about how much it costs to live in today's world).
You can also use what are called "social stories"....It is basically a story where you place her into the situation she is questioning and then you take her through the consequences/positives or what she might expect to experience if she was allowed to do something. Ex. My son made a remark about someone without evidence that it was true. I asked him to imagine he was that person and overheard someone saying it about him. How would he feel about himself and that other person that had said it ...etc.
Good luck..and I hope this helps!!
Hugs, B.

My kids are small. I'm firm and consistent, but I'll ALSO change my mind. because of that, rightly, the kids will sometimes beg a a little. The SECOND time I say no, and/or "No I really mean it" or something, it's what I mean, so they don't push it past that. For the times I say, "Well, you know what, on second thought, OK,.." they say HOORAY! So far it hasn't eroded my control or anything.

I think that saying you'll think about it, means that you aren't ready to give an answer right at that very moment or at the drop of a hat. You may need more information, need to check your schedule, your wallet, etc... For me sometimes the initial question may be a shocker or it may just be something that I never thought that they would ask. So I need to ruminate on it! Then I'm willing to give them an answer after an appropriate time frame. On the other hand though sometimes I use it as a delaying tactic especially around Christmas time, if it's something I may have already thought of and don't want them to know that I plan on buying something for them and don't want them to know when they ask me to get them something!

"is this negotiable" is what my teenage daughter (now 21) & I came up with

i do like your daughters approach for you to 'reconsider' & i do think it is perfectly healthy for both you & her

LOL I think it's kinda funny. :) If it were me this is what I would say.

I don't need to think about it, the answer is no. This is why...and offer an explanation.

I would tell her there are times when you will need time to decide something, but this isn't one of them. I also don't think there isn't room for a decision change. Circumstances change, sometimes getting more information can change, etc.

I think it depends on the age. My daughter is 2 1/2, I have to focus more on consistency now, than whether or not I was wrong, because she doesn't understand changing my mind, she just thinks she won and can do it again and again. However, I do say I'll think about it, but not after I say no. If I say no, it's no. If it's yes, it's yes. If it's yes, but just not right now, I tell her I will think about it. I also use that as a tool to help her learn patience and that money needs to make sure she is making the right decision. I haven't used I'll think about it and then come back with a no. Given your scenario, I don't think I would ever change from a no to an I'll think about it if she asked. If you say no, it's no. If she says "say you'll think about it", I would tell her that your answer is still no. If you change your mind later, you can approach her later and say that you thought about it some more and you changed your mind. I think if you change from a no to an think about it right away, she will use it against you and to manipulate you.

I'm open to changing my mind, although I struggle with the consistency part, so there you have it. Although, I read somewhere that's it's important to give in once in a while, when appropriate, as long as the majority of the time you're consistent because it lets kids know that you can be wrong sometimes too. You can usually say, I thought it over and I'm changing my mind. It's not that big a deal to...

I tend to say no instinctively, and then change my mind, because often it isn't such a big deal. Nevertheless, I should keep my mouth shut until I've made my final decision. I do think parenting should be a two way relationship, as parents we have most of the power because we're older and wiser and need to protect our kids (and sanity), but they need to have some voice in their lives too in order to try out decisions (and sometimes fail). So I'm pro-democracy, with the parent as the president and the kids a representative of some sort.

I am consistent AT ALL COSTS. If my decision can be questioned 1 time it will always be questionable in their eyes. Its a matter of 'what i say goes" and there can be no negotiation.

Ill clarify.....if i say "no".......theres no bending on that decision. Sometimes i will say "maybe" and then i will actually weigh the decision. But i will never change a "no" to a "yes". I would hate to think that my kids had the idea they could talk me out of something i decided. That would NEVER end.

Consistency is an amazing thing, and effective, but so is flexibility. You have to have a little of both to have a good balance.

You have to be open minded and sometimes that means giving in a little.

I can't remember the name of the book but it's based on the personality inventory, And there are some personality types that are prone to changing their mind , more because of needing time to think it through when a kid is pressuring you. They suggest you say you need to think about it, instead of just yes or no. not exactly wha tyou were asking but thought i would throw that out there, if it makes any sense.

I've learned to give myself flexibility in my responses to my children. It does no good for anyone to give all or nothing decrees if there's a chance that their behavior can earn them the chance of changing the outcome of a situation.

There are times when it's appropriate to maintain the same decision and stick to it no matter what, but there are times when it's appropriate to adjust and be flexible. Whichever the case I take the time to explain my position. When I decide not to change my mind, I don't leave room for arguing. Arguing disrespectfully results in automatic Mom Wins You Lose Decision Not In Your Favor status.

my kids say that too. i always say ok i will think about it. sometimes, taking that extra time helps me see it their way, whatever it may be. so just say ok i will think about it. then think about it.

I think you have to be flexible. If my kids have been bad during dinner and then asked for ice cream absolutely not. But if they were good all day and really tired and I was frustrated, then maybe I can rethink it and give it to them. I think kids need time, like adults, to readjust attitudes sometimes.

As far as where my kids go, it doesn't change. As far as play dates, sleepovers, etc.