Hi, I'm married with 3 boys under 4yrs of age, have been married for 5. My husband and I have been having proplems for a while now.. He use to be the perfect man, until the real him came out. He doesn't help me with any house duties, I'm doing 99% of being with and giving my children what they need and when they need.. He is constanly speaking of problems about past problems of family members, which were sorted back then, but always freaks out bout it and brings it up wen we hav sum issues. Which I we speak about yet again but he seem like he jst can't seem to get over. Most of the time he will complain to get out of doing something I've asked like " could u plz take the trash out" his reply "my back hurts I'll do it later" but then soon after goes out. But he has got his good quallities like he can be romantic, we seem to get through our problems but the same things keep happening.. I'm got to the point where I said I've had enough of him not helping me, bad lack of communication things jst repete them selves, and that I didn't think I loved him like I use to. Said I wanted to end the marriage. We started tlking bout out problems but it feels like alot is missing in my heart and I don't no if I can mend it?? Plzzzz help, how do you no when you've had enough?? I've tried for along time, I try not to coarse conflict even tho I no I'm rite, coz of the fact I don't like coarsing problems in general, but enough is enough.. I
Absolutely try and work this out. Just as post said before you said vows...but this doesn't mean it should be one sided. You need to both take steps together for you and your kids. I don't know if your religous but any type of retreat, counseling or relgious counseling could certainly help strengthen your marriage.
You should try to work it out. But, it needs to be two sided. I had parents who argued constantly. Even though they thought they were doing my brother and I a favor, they were wrong. I prayed every night that they would get a divorce. I longed to see them happy and I hated the arguments. And, even though you may do this when you children are not around, they sense it, and they know. Not healthy for them, or you. Try counceling. And, again, it goes boths ways. Good luck.
It doesn't take a genius to diagnose this "problem" - you have 3 boys under the age of 4 and have been married for only 5 years!! You (and your husband, believe it or not) are exhausted! I sincerely hope you have a trusted family member or babysitter who can look after the children one Saturday (assuming neither you nor your husband work on Saturdays). I suggest an afternoon, because you're probably too tired by the evening! Spend time away from the kids! You don't say, so forgive me if I'm wrong, but I assume you're a full-time mom and hubby is "breadwinner". I assume this because men (wrongly!!) assume that "if you don't work outside the home you don't need help inside the home"! ALL men are the same in that regard so DON'T assume that another man will be better for you and your kids!! The "fix" is very easy (provided both you and your husband are WILLING to fix the marriage) - you MUST make time to "be a couple". I don't necessarily mean you need to spend money on dinner out (although, occasionally that's good) you can leave the kids with a babysitter and take a stroll, hold hands and talk to each other about things you like (not time to talk about kids, finances etc!!), share jokes with hubby that you might have heard. Try get kids to bed early and spend some time asking hubby about work etc. Believe me, the reason you feel like this is because you need to make the time to remember why you fell in love in the first place! I know it seems impossible now, but, before you know it your boys will be teens whom you hardly ever see and hubby will be there for you and (more importantly) will know exactly how you feel cos he feels that way too! Please don't give up on your young family - divorce brings its own problems with it! If you need to "vent", feel free to email me ____@____.com. I've been there, but this year I've celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary and wouldn't trade my husband for anyone in the world!! Hang in there, you're not alone. Good luck!
I love what "momofmany" had to say. However, I don't think you should stay together because of the kids. At this age, the kids are resilient and can adjust. It's easier to make changes now rather than later.
With that said, though, it's more important to get counseling and try to work on your relationship with your husband. We're a society that throws something away when it's broken and just buy a new one instead of fixing the old one. It's a bad, lazy way of handling things. Being married is a lot of work! Don't throw it away because it's broken. Try to fix it.
Plus, with 3 kids under 4, it's no wonder you and your husband are having difficulty, that you've lost the loving feeling. The demands of raising kids, financially and emotionally, is very draining. You are exhausted being with them all day and having the responsibility of feeding them, doing laundry, cleaning house, nurturing, etc. Plus, when you're at home, you don't get a release for you or other adult stimulation. Your husband is exhausted working and having the demands of supporting a family of 5. He needs to unwind when he's home and release the stress of work. This doesn't negate his responsibilities helping at home, but your relationship should not be based on who's going to take the trash out and when. Marital problems are typically caused by both partners, not just one. Take responsibility for it yourself.
So, DO NOT GIVE UP until you've tried everything to make your relationship work. You reap what you sow. Work at it! Try counseling! It works! Read books like "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schleinger. Validate your husband and all that he does. Have "date nights" that stimulates your relationship before kids, which means no talking about the kids or housework. Talk to your husband about his day and about his work. Listen to him. Find ways to put that "spark" back into your relationship and regain the love you once had for your husband. It's still there; it's just muddled with the demands of family life.
I have been there before, do everything you can to make it work, family should be forever. If your kids are more important to you than your problems, if you and your husband love your kids more that you dislike each other right now, it can work, at 13 years we have some real big problems and we have 3 kids as well, we did get help, we attended some marriage classes a couple marriage retreats and a lot of advice from people who had awesome marriages, well we just celebrated ourn 30 annivarsary June 13th our children are 27, 24, 22 and their family is still in tact had we quit we wou7ld have robed our children and ourselves of what we have had all these years. J.
Stop asking for your husband's help. Isn't he supporting you?
Show interest in his work.
Ask for a housekeeper if you can at all afford it.
Having so many little kids can drive you nuts.
Let the house work go and start going to the library and reading books
or find a hobby like painting, sewing. Become your own person.
Get your husband to the doctor for a physical. He may need help.
If you still can't stand it, see a lawyer.
Have you gone to marriage counseling? It can really help.
You are exhausted. This is how you spend your days when you have 3 little babies: Exhausted. You need some kind of help, and it seems your husband is unable or unwilling to give it to you. See if you can get some help, in whatever form you can afford. When you are getting more sleep, you will be able to see your problems for what they are. You really should not make any decisions while you are exhausted.
give it some time. it sounds like you guys talked about the issues, right? and hes trying to work on them?
you've been trying and now its his turn, help him try to fix things without going back into your old rut by doing everything yourself because its easier or looks better! give him a chance and maybe praise him a bit, kind of like a kid.
i honestly don't think this is a good reason to end a marriage. both people have to change to make a marriage work! good luck!
yes - you decided to have 3 children with him and they deserve for you to try and try and then try some more. And like others have said, of course w/ 3 boys that young it's not easy. I only had 2 girls close together and it was super hard for awhile. It did get better...
Yes, you try more because of your sons. You try more because of your vows. Otherwise, what was the use in saying them in the first place. Your husband is suffering. I would approach this (or at least I hope I would) in a manner that would bless my husband and help take some of the stress and pressure off of him. Take the kids out to the park, saying that you guys are going to give daddy a time to rest. Teach them to serve Daddy and honor him. Become the blessing to him that you want him to be to you. Can you get him help medically? Has he seen a chiro? Ask him what he would like from you. Put it on his plate, but in a good and positive way. You don't have to engage in the negative discussions with him, but you can honor him in it.
So, you are not sure you love him like you used to. What does that mean? Are you talking about that romantic lovey feeling? If so, most people lose that eventually. However, it is replaced with a deeper sense of respect, peace, love-in the action sense, meaning that you choose to act lovingly towards one another. It isn't about what you get out of it, it is about what you give. Do you give up your own selfish desires in preference for serving and ministering to his needs? How do you approach this relationship? As a giver or taker? Is it about what you want or what he wants? Which do you prefer? Yourself or him? In a healthy marriage, both partners should be prefering the other. People just give up too easily, wanting their own selfish desires to be met rather than working to meet the other's needs/wants. We have it all backwards. And many people are miserable because of it.
