SAHM How Can I Support My Kids W/o the Husband

Hi, Im sorry your marriage is falling apart. Doesnt your husband have to provide some child support as well as allimony? Since you didnt have a job other than being a full time mom, you should get some compensation. Speak to a lawyer to see how much you are supposed to get. Also, there are child care facilities that charge you on a sliding scale based on income. You may get free child care and may even be eligable to financial assistance like food stamps and a medical card. Your carrying a heavy load. Did you have a house? Who will live in it? can it be sold ? You have rights. Talk to a lawyer.

If your marriage broke up because you just can't get along, there may be hope for finding ways to make it work.
Many marriages struggle at certain times.
My marriage was a disastrous abusive mess and I had no choice but to get out. There was no question. The only solution was clear. Somebody was going to end up dead if I didn't get out and that's not an exaggeration.
Things had become dangerous for me and my children.
That said, perhaps part of what your marriage could really use is you feeling like a whole person again. You say you feel stupid for having to depend on a man. Don't say that to yourself.
Listen, I left my husband and I had two kids to support. He was a jerk about child support. I knew he was never going to do the right thing.
I ran into a friend of mine that I'd worked with years before meeting my husband and he offered me a job. I hadn't worked in 10 years and let me tell you....it was as if I'd never missed a day. It gave me so much confidence! Sure, I hated being away from my kids, but they also were very proud of me and they knew that mommy was strong and a hard worker and guess what?
Both my kids are hard workers too.
When you have no choice, you can't let the guilt of the situation over-ride everything else.
You could be a neurosurgeon and guilt yourself for having to leave your kids for an emergency procedure on a patient, but why would you do that to yourself?
I SO understand feeling torn, believe me.
As moms, we're always feeling torn for one reason or another.
But, when it comes to doing what we have to do, we shouldn't load up a bunch of guilt on ourselves to carry around along with everything else on our shoulders.
Maybe your marriage can survive, you can work and better yourself so you don't feel dependent on a man for everything which will build your confidence, your husband won't have to feel like you are dependent on him for everything and your kids can have the best of all of it.
Little kids are pretty resilient.
I did daycare and some moms have to go back to work 6 weeks after having their baby. The kids are grown and happy, healthy adults now and none of those parents should feel bad because their kids turned out fine.

I think you'll be all right.
First, really consider if your marriage is over.
Second, address the feelings you have of being dependent on someone else.
Third, make a list of things that will make you happy.
Fourth, know that your kids are stronger than you think and having a happy mom will make them happy.

I wish you the very best.

Counseling and working it out is not an option??? I wish you the very best!

I would definitely do anything possible to save the marriage. That's priority number one, and it will require both of you to take a hard look at yourselves and do the right thing. If incompatibility is the main problem, the marriage can probably be saved if you each humbly change your own selves without blaming the other. I learned that the hard way.

My ex walked out five years ago leaving me with three kids to support, after I had been at home for seven years. It was certainly tough at first, but my mom moved in to help care for kids while I got a job. My mom left once my youngest started kindergarten, and I started a daycare center in my home. Now I think I should have done that a long time ago because I love being at home and am making way more money than I did working outside (and the tax benefits are incredible). It also enables me to be home with my kids just about all the time, although it does limit my ability to get out of the house. Now, I understand that not everyone is interested in doing this, but it's hard to see how you would get yourself to school right now too.

Best wishes to you.

i have no experience with this but just some words of encouragement. although it is hard to start in the workforce without experience, it can be done. it just takes more dedication. you have been taking care of your kids 24/7 for this long and in alot of places corporations and businesses take that into consideration. you are gonna have a hard time getting yourself and the kids situated, but i would say that you should get your family and friends and ask for help. also you should make sure that your husband is being held accountable for his part as well. just because you are not married anymore doesn't mean you shouldn't or couldn't ask him to do his part which will in turn help you get on your feet. you should not stay in an unhappy situation just because its easier. its gonna be a long hard road, but you can get thru it ......... best of luck

well, you probably won't like my advice, but being completely honest, the first thing I would encourage you to do is go to counseling with your husband. Or go to a Family Life Today marriage conference - they are amazing! Going to one of those saved my marriage! Ask yourself - if you COULD have a great marriage with this person and have it all work out and be happy, WOULD you? Like in your dreams if it could work, would you choose for it to? If both of you answer yes to that question, then that dream CAN come true! Don't give up. :) Like I said, you may not like this advice but since I've seen my marriage go from horrible to wonderful, I know it can happen and I like to encourage people that it IS possible! :)

Been there, done that. But my ex-husband was really quite a mess. It is a tough world out there and I "made it" but it was a struggle and well, made some more stupid choices before I really wised up about how to pick the right guy for us, etc.

If your problems are that you fight a lot (and it isn't over cheating or being abusive, etc) I do hope that you consider marriage counseling. It can do wonders. Both of you have to be open to change and maturing and getting acquainted with better communication styles. You may find yourselves falling in love again and wouldn't that be cool for all concerned.

If not, well, frankly, your road will be tougher than mine but it is doable if the sacrifices you'll have to make are worth getting away from it instead of working on it. I don't know how because I don't know your skills but the cost of child care alone is high unless you have parents willing to help. And what will you do if you or the kids are sick. You can't work or send them to childcare. Raising a family is so tough alone and with little money.

Another way is that you go through counseling in a friendly way and if you decide that splitting up is the only way, then perhaps he'd be willing to somehow help support your getting some career training before you split. I presume he doesn't have enough money to help you greatly after divorced because of the cost of managing two homes. I also presume that even if everything is split 50/50, and you get child support, that it would still be tough. My ex didn't pay child support. It was too easy for him not to have to then. Things are a bit better now depending on what county you live in.

As for the advice to contact her regarding work at home, please know that most people find that these things are a scam. They get a nominal fee from you and then you're out of luck. I'd avoid that.

As for contacting a lawyer, it takes a great deal of money. They can run up hundreds and thousands of dollars. Marriage counseling is cheaper. :-)

Many years ago, I got "replaced" and I became a single parent with 3 children. They were 7, 4 & 6 months. I had been a SAH mom and loved it. I couldn't believe that he could pull the rug out from under us so easily. I did get child support for a while, but I had a $1,450/mo. house payment and no equity. I started going to church and went back into my field of Real Estate Sales - commission only. I moved into a less expensive place that we had as a rental and lowered my overhead. I sold unnecessary furniture and stuff and struggled. I never received any assistance and it was very hard.

However, there are a lot of programs available to help you and you don't have to struggle so much. There are grants and student loans available to single moms and you should take advantage. You will probably get free medical care, food stamps, etc. Go to the Dept. of Human Resourses (Welfare) and the Texas Workforce Department for assistance in getting a grant for educational training to help get a good job. There is a real need in the medical field like nursing and it pays good when you get to the RN level. The sooner you start, the sooner you wont be dependent on anyone else. It's a shame you have to go to work when your kids need you, but they will do just fine. Make the best of the time you are with them and make sure you get quality daycare.

First of all I'm sorry that your are in this situation. I would encourage you to thoroughly consider and reconsider the decision that you are about to make. Things do not improve with a divorce. In fact, they are more complex and the issues that were there before do not get resolved. Please seek out some good biblical counseling either together and by yourselves because this could be a good way to gain perspective on what is going on. Emotions often run high and it is difficult to think so take your time. If you have already made the decision and there is no going back, you do have options. My kids were one and four when my husband walked out of the marriage. My oldest had a hard time and would often ask why his dad had abandoned him. I had been a stay at home mom all their lives and I refused to put them in day care for the sake of financial stability. I waited until just before the divorce was final to actually go back to work. I met a lot of people during this time that were so helpful! Through this network, I was able to get a part time job at the high school that paid very well. The next year I got a better part time job with a few more hours and decided to go back to school via online courses. I am half way through school and my kids are doing great. I have been able to work part-time the last several years, further my education, and homeschool / raise my boys. We are not rich but we have what we need and more importantly we have each other. Some days are harder than others but I'm learning to trust God with the things I have no control over because worrrying about it doesn't fix it, it brings only stress. Hang in there! God's blessings on you and your little ones!

I certainly hope that your husband will be giving you some child support. Avon is a job that can be done at your own pace and your kids can be with you.. If you pursue leadership you can make some real good money...especially now as they have special $$ incentives to encourage leadership. I like selling it because I never feel like I am ripping off my customers....because everything is on at a "sale" price at some time... so I just watch for sales for my customers.

I have been in Leadership for 10 years and been selling for 11. I wish I had done it when my children were young and I was a stay at home mother.

You can reach me at ____@____.com luck...

Hi M. F. So sorry to read of your situation. I would echo one of the other's comments re counseling. Are yall members of a church and could possibly talk to your pastor. As to work, I hear you with the leaving kids. Are your kids old enough that you won't have to put them in a day care or do you have a relative that can watch them after school? I wish you had posted several days ago as I would love to have invited you to a huge informational meeting I am attending today in Dallas. I will PM you with my number. Thanks

This happens to many women but there are work places out there that will allow for children to stay there, not many granted there are also some that will allow you to have them come with you or go with you not many granted also. But having them with you 24/7 also does not let them grow with other children, or allow you to grow independent. See if you can find one that will allow you to get off early evening or late afternoon and have the kids stay with a day care of neighbor or family friend with children. Most women will understand the need to work with out the other income and may come to your rescue with some ideas also. Good luck.

I can totally relate--I am a mom of one little boy that is 4 and me and my husband split due to a drug addiction on his part. I would not have that around my son, so I got out. I am struggling trying to find a job, but the temporary agencies are really good and you could also find a daycare center that could except you child and give a discount..private schools are good for that too...you have a lot of experience in the childcare, so start there..who knows and good luck...Pray, it helps me and I will pray for you too

Before you call it quits, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Read the reviews of the book on Amazon. If you are past that point, you can beef up your skills by taking some online courses. Go to a job agency. Sometimes they have some very good ideas on how to beef up your skills and your resume. Good Luck.

Try to save your marriage.

Hi M.. You haven't said if you are planning to leave immediately. I know alot of woman who have gone back to school even part time to get themselves into a better position before they leave. There must be a field of employment that you are interested in. Make sure that you are emotionally and financially ready and then make your move. Good luck.

L.

Hi,
One suggestion is to research and learn Nonviolent Communication (book by Marshall Rosenberg). It has saved a lot of people's relationships! Another really great one is called "Hold me Tight"; also saved a lot of relationships! I send prayers and blessings for healing to you both.
K.
From the Heart Family Healing
If you want more resources feel free to contact me directly.

Don't give up yet. Pray for a breakthrough. Start thinking about why you married, and treat him with respect. I would bet you both have developed some bad habits in the marriage with negative communication and you both are feeling rejected.

My husband and I went through a lot with this, he has ADHD and has a difficult personality, sometimes domineering and angry. We both have worked hard to be kinder and more loving. It has not been easy, but we get along much better now.

We are Christians, and go to a church where we can get regular prayer in the services. That is the reason we are changing, because God is helping us. Hang in there.

Have you tried all ways to rectify the marriage? Is it possible to save it for the sake of the kids? Is it a matter of understanding that each of you is different and lowering expectations of each other? I would recommend seeing "Laugh your way to a better marriage" It just might be what you need to sort things out and ultimately save your marriage.

Intensitve marriage counseling. Unless he hits you or is a serial adulterer...There is not one problem that cannot be fixed over time. It is hard to be single again but with children this time. Those children deserve you and your husband fighting for your marriage, unless the 2 above situations are occurring. Good luck to you and PRAY. Even if you don't believe, get on your knees and spill it. Ask for help. This is the first step. Good luck to you....

I have no advice. I know how it is when you post something out emotion or situation and can't get rid of it and now you're bombarded with these. I am divorcing after 11 years of marriage. I went from living with my parents & being a student, to marriage & being a student and full time MOM & Domestic Engineer. I'm now being thrust upon the world with no experience to recommend me and I must support myself, 2 wonderful girls (10 yo and 3 yo), and 2 cats. :) I wish you the best and am here to talk. Just wanted you to know you are not alone whatever your choices.

Its hard to believe that you will be better off... But YOU WILL be better off. You will find a way.., I remember spending 8 years trying to figure out how I was going to make it... After numerious affairs... (too embarrasing to put the number down) I left and I MADE IT WORK... Your babies will drive you, I left a six figure income (HIS) and worked at a car dealership part time and also cleaned house. (use to get my house cleaned) But you will be so much better off. I now work from home and god has blessed me with a wonderful husband and my OWN six figure income. I love what i do.. I love being with my babies.. and i will NEVER depend on a mans income again.. You just never know and EVERY WOMAN needs a B plan... Good luck and you email me to chat anytime. ____@____.com

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and find out how it is possible to repair your marriage. If he is abusive then the insight you can receive from the book will not be helpful. But if you want the guy back that you fell in love with, then buy the book or get it from the library. It will give you the basic tips to save your marriage and enjoy being married again. Your kids need both of their parents in the same home.