SAHM: Do Friends Assume You Will Be a Free Daycare? How Do You Say "No" Politely

If you are not used to watching multiple kids, what's that saying - one is like taking care of one and two is like two million. You should ask her if she's started looking at daycares or childcare providers. The really good and less expensive ones can have long wait lists so she should start looking soon.

How about-"my litte darling consumes my whole day and I cannot begin to fathom caring for another children for at least the next 12 yrs."

The next time she talks about returning to work ask her who is going to watch the baby for her and if she has looked into daycare. If she says I thought it would be you, let her know that youre not interested, even for extra money. Tell her something like, Ive thought about it before but I enjoy the liberty of running around or doing nothing at all and that your husband likes it like that!

That's never happened to me. I would actually be very shocked if a friend ever assumed that they could use me as free daycare. How does something like that even happen??? Without even asking if it's okay???

I think that probably the gentlest way to break the news to her that you are not going to be her free childcare is to ask her something like, "So are you having luck finding a daycare for your daughter yet?" If she says something like, "I thought you were going to do it," I'd just let out a little laugh and say, "Of course I'm not,silly! I thought you were just joking about that. You know that I'm not a daycare." Keep your voice nice and light and keep the smile on your face while you are having this exchange.

If your friend made an honest mistake of presuming too much (way too much) about your friendship, then she will probably feel a little embarassed at this point and will immediately drop the subject. If she doesn't and she starts arguing with you about it, then you may want to re-evaluate your friendship.

Good luck.

Nonchalantly say, "Which daycares are you looking at for Baby come August?"

The next time she mentions her workload as a new mommy, (and it WILL come up, we all know how hard being a mommy is) take a moment to sympathasize with her and say "man, that's rough. It's going to be even crazier when you go back in August. What kind of childcare have you decided on"? And get the facts straight. At least, what she sees in her mind as the facts.
If her answer is "well, I was thinking I would just leave the baby with you".
You've got your in to talk about it. "Sweetie, I can't handle a younger baby and mine too. You're baby would never get my attention with my toddler running around too. I have to focus everything I've got on my little one."
Lay it out in black and white without any anger or emotion.
Good luck!

How do you know she expects this if she never asked you? She had to refer to it in some manner. You need to say something, the longer you wait and the longer you let this go on the more upset she will be and she won't remember not asking you or you saying No because you let it go on. The next time she does say something that indicates she has this expectation say something like, "Wait a minute, I'm confused. It sounds like you think I'm watching your child when you go back to work. We never agreed upon that and that is not something I can do for you."

Well, since she hasn't come out and asked you, you don't need to worry too much at this point.
If she does, all you have to say is that you are finding it challenging adjusting to taking care of your own baby. You don't know how you could possibly care for two in the way they both deserve.
Your kid will be 18 months old in August and hers will be 8 months, give or take. They are both challenging ages and you just don't see how you could make it work.
Keep it simple.
That said, my friends had a baby 30 days before mine was born. I kept their baby and mine at the same time. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't change anything. They grew up like sister and brother and I absolutely loved that kid. I was paid very, very well and I can't say it restricted me in any way. They were playmates and adored each other. As far as the parents, we were more like family than friends and there were plenty of days we didn't have the little boy because his mom or dad were able to stay home to have time with him.
It worked out well for us and I never felt tied down, but that's just me.
If this is something you aren't comfortable with or just don't want to do, be up front about it.
Two little kids isn't easy.
I didn't mind it, but if I hadn't wanted to do it, my friends would have understood. However, I did it because I wanted to. And enjoyed it.
That's a big difference.

Tell her you DO love her child, and that's why you're uncomfortable with it.
You'd want him getting all the time and attention that he deserves and you don't know how you would manage that while having your own busy kid to care for also.
You watching her child might seem like the most convenient thing, but if you put it to her the right way, she may be able to see it's not the best idea for her baby.

Best wishes.

You need to call her immediately. She needs to have time to look for a provider. Just tell her. Why are you so afraid to say that you don't think you would be cut out for watching other peoples children? Not everyone is and it's a job. It's not something people just do. Those that try it without counting the cost and deciding on it as a career...those are the ones that get into trouble, let something bad happen, hate it, and generally make things look bad for those of us that do. Just tell her that you enjoy your lifestyle now and don't want to work.

Try this one in the mirror: "So, dear friend, I notice that you have the idea that I'll be watching your baby. It's so nice that you would trust me. And no, that simply does not work for me."

Friendly, calm voice, acknowledge her expectations, use the connecting word "and" to put your expectations on the same level. And just say no, without ANY reasons, explanation, excuses, or apology. Any of those will invite her to pressure you, argue with your reasons, wheedle and whine in the hope that you'll change your mind. Your reasons are perfectly valid, but you're the only one who needs to know what they are. Explaining yourself will only weaken your position.

If she demands to know why, just repeat, calmly and sweetly, "That does not work for me." If she is a good friend and not someone who hangs around because you're soft-hearted, she will still be your friend. And when you have established clearly that you will not be "the babysitter," you might find you want to help her out once in awhile. But set your boundaries clearly, if you choose this.

It is hard to learn to say no, hard to learn to recognize our own needs as legitimate, especially for those of us brought up to be generous, or the natural "soft touches" among us. And we tend to get taken advantage of until we learn to say no. As one of the world's biggest pushovers, I guarantee that you can do this.

Next time she brings up going back to work, ask her about her arrangements and go from there. If you are willing to OCCASIONALLY watch her child, say that, but make it clear that you can't be a daily caregiver. Friend of mine is a SAHD and sometimes he'll watch DD but I never assume he can. They have things, too, like martial arts class, errands, appointments...and it's harder when it's not your kid you're toting around. I think you're going to have to bring it up if you think that's what she's assuming.

Maybe she was feeling you out to see if you would offer. Don't offer and don't answer the door when she tries to drop the baby off in August ;-) Just kidding... I doubt it will go any further than her feeling you out.

Hey M.! I know you :) (Jill M.). I just became WHFM/SAHM recently as you know. I have unfortunately had the same situation a lot as well. I always get 3-5 calls when school is out for a snow day or other holiday from my working friends. Most of them are so nice and ask if there is any way I can watch their kiddos for the day. I pretty much always say yes. My kids get to have a fun play date and I get to help out a friend... Since I was a FT working mom for 7 years, I can understand how hard it is to use vacation days and such for snow days... However, I am also sure (rarely, but sometimes) to ask for reciprocation. I will say something about my kiddos coming over on a Saturday at some point to do a little "exchange" in daycare. I always watch my friends kids for free, but obviously do not do it full time. I have noticed that they always seem to ASSUME now that I am available since I have been watching different kids for a while now.

What I do not like is when people take advantage-- ask me all the time, assume I will pick up their kids from school, etc. I even had someone ask if I could watch their SICK kid (when I have 3 of my own kids at home) so they did not have to miss work.

This is such a hard one... When I was working FT, I NEVER would've asked my SAHM friends to watch my kids FT, PT or for any reason. I feel that our children are my husband and my responsibility. If they were out of school or needed to be home, one of us was here with them.

I would call her and chit chat with her about what her plans are for her baby. OR, you could just ignore it all. If she has not even asked you, how are you to know that she wants you to watch her baby?? When it gets closer to her going back to work and she approaches you about it... tell her you have no idea what she is talking about-- that she never even asked you...

How crazy is it that she "Assumed" you would watch her child! I would never assume something like that! I am crazy busy with my own children, there is no energy left in me to FT take care of someone else's child!!!

I hope we can meet up soon babe! Hang in there, I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard- sometimes people do not realize staying home IS work.... and should be treated the same as work.

Just read this one from one of the comments below... loved it:

"I'm sorry - I can't do that - I don't have a day care license, i don't feel comfortable operating a business out of my home. And most importantly - I don't want to mix our friendship up with business!!" Plus you could add in there about the liability of it.

Bottom line: Do not feel the need to defend yourself too much!!! Do not say too much about why you cannot do it... just because you chose to be a SAHM does not obligate you to watch other people's children! As a SAHM, I never ask my working friends if they can watch my child when they take a day of PTO off :)
Jill

Just ask her what her childcare plans are when she returns tobwork if she says you then just tell her you can't. You might offer to help her out once in awhile when her regular care provider is sick, or has a holiday, etc but you simply cannot do every day.

phrase i love, "it's not going to work for me". be honest. conversation starter? "hey have you decided what you're going to do with the baby once you start working again?" if she hasn't officially asked, then i assume the matter isn't "settled". play dumb if you have to.

and keep in mind how very fortunate you are that you get to stay home with your daugher.

I can't say exactly how you should respond to this, but it's so important to your child's development that you be devoted to her only! What happens if you decide to have another one? You'll be pregnant & stuck at home with 2 babies?!
My older sister taught me that her family comes first, then she helps me out with my kids as much as she can. She didn't break it to me nicely. She wasn't mean about it, she just let me know I was giving her too much than she could handle & she'd be happy to help me when she could. period.

Good luck

She's wrong, very wrong, to assume this. Nicely say, "Hey, I haven't had a chance to talk to you about this when you mention it, but I'm not going to be able to watch your baby when you go back to work, sorry, I already have my hands full and my routine with just one, what are your plans going to be? Need any help looking for care?"

Keep a sympathetic nice tone, but be clear. I wouldn't offer the "sometimes" care until later after she's gotten arrangements since she's the "take a yard if you get an inch" type.

since she never asked you but you feel very serious about this, my advice is to mention that you will be doing such and such and such and such, and THEN she might bring it up. Such as you might be out of town (why not?) or in a class, etc. etc. Do not even watch the child for a day for a while. From my past and I loved being a stay at home mom when it was possible, do not for a minute even let someone know when baby's nap is. The calls came (and I hAD to answer it then-no caller id) and the occasional times when I fell for the babysitting I never got back any time that was intended for me and found myself stuck with people's children for very long amounts of time. Now I love children (still work with them) but I also love my freedom, which like you said you can pick up and go. If the person is really strong about doing this, then she is really not a very good friend, enjoy your baby now and sadly some friends show their true selves at this time.

If she didn't ask you, then how do you know that she expects you to be a free sitter? Is she just dropping her kid off at your house and leaving?
Just tell her that while little Ignatius is a wonderful child, you really don't want the responsibility of taking care of someone else's kid.

Hello. Yes, this is hard to address, but you need to do it. Like the other responders have said, start out by saying, "Have you made your plans for childcare when you return to work?" And she says, "Well, I thought...." You simply say, "I really enjoy my time with my daughter and our own schedule, I'm not going to be able to do it." It's better to talk about it than to ignore it. It's done and behind you. And if she insists just kindly say, "You always assumed and I felt bad, but I'm a stay at home mom to watch my child." Don't let her make you feel guilty. If you want, you can tell her on an emergency you could help out, but not on a regular basis. I went through some issues being a stay at home mom and I felt bad, but no one knows what I went through to become a mom. I wanted that time for us. Having one, neighbors and I share watching kids, but never became uncomfortable.
You have to communicate what's good for you and them as well. If you let yourself fall into in you'll never come out. Be honest, if she's a "friend" she'll understand. Good luck................

Friend or aquaintence whatever it may be, nothing comes for free! There are people out there that assume you will do whatever for free because you area stay at home Mom. Taking on another child is a huge responsibilty and guess what, it's not yours to take on. If she is a good friend like you say she is, she will understand when you talk to her. If you allow her to assume and say nothing and just go along with it then you are headed for a dumed friendship. I'm a stay at home Mom of three and have enough on my plate, I will offer to watch my friends kid or kids if needed for a mom's day out, dr. appt and so on or we trade off babysitting. SAHM is a full-time job. Hope this helps. Also, if you are up to watching her kid, she will have to pay you, yup that's what she would have to do if she left him/her at daycare. Speak up don't be afraid of hurting her feelings, girl a friend listen and respects.

wow....that's a huge assumption. I'm sure she means it as a complement, but even though you love her, you need to sit her down and have a discussion. Be sure to let her know that infant child care can cost up to 200 dollars a WEEK, which may be one of the reasons you do not work outside the home. Let her know that if you have two babies with you, you wouldn't be able to do the things that you need to keep your household running smoothly. Finally, ask her if there was a discussion that you have "forgotten" - as this is such a HUGE decision that you can't imagine making it without a lot of discussion between yourself, her and your husband! Good luck!