Sad Mom Seeking for Answers

o- sweetie I know this is hard I think that what k f said is the best solution. that is sad it will get better as you have kids over. i know that you are probably busy but if you go to the daycare and just stay there and play with him and the kids the other kids will get attached to him because even when it is not their mom they like to play with a mom. good luck and good bless.

Can you have him invite one of the kids from his daycare over for a playdate on the weekend? Just let them play 2 at a time, don't have 3 together as it forms a triangle where 2 play together and one is left out. If he has some one-on-one time with a few of the kids, he might be able to make a friend and have somebody to play with.

First I would talk to the owners of the daycare.

They have a responsibilty to prevent the children from being mean, and to play together.
If they are not then they are not wathcing the children like you are paying them too.

If talking to the owners doesn't work then I would look for another afterschool program

my son says the same thing. His teacher said she doesn't know what he is talking about. I went & sat in class with him & noticed that kids approach him to play but he snaps at them to leave him alone. I have since told him he is being mean & he needs to take the oppurtunity to play when asked not when he feels like joining later & by than the other kids are upset with him. I would suggest taking a day off work & sitting at school & just observe all the children's behavior.

I also have invited one classmate at a time to play at our house. This has worked becuase now my son doesn't complain he has no friends.

The day care can't "make" kids play with him, but they can work to make the situation better. ie encouraging shy kids to get to know each other, pairing up kids for activities and making a pair for your son that might match his personality. Hopefully the day care isn't just letting the kids do free play the whole time. If they are doing crafts, reading, organized games, etc... he should be made to feel like part of the group during these times. If they are not willing to do the minimum perhaps you need to explore other day cares.

That having been said, making friends is a learned skill and some kids are better than others. Are you able to observe your child at play or visit with teachers / day care providers. What specifically is he doing that makes it difficult for others? You can teach him social skills, you can "practice" at home, there are children's books available on the topic, your school counselor may even have resources for you.

I have also found that when my kids are between friends or searching for a new "best friend" (new classroom, beginning of the year) it really helps to invite a potential new friend to your home. Or on an outing to the park. You can help the conversation along, get them started on some activities they both enjoy, and they just might leave the playdate as "best friends" - someone to look forward to seeing at day care.

Hi Deb,

These Moms are right on!!! Go check it out yourself, and talk to the administrator. This should not happen, otherwise it's on to new horizons, but give it a good try first.

Let us know, and all the best.

Think about how you were treated in school and if that's influencing how you react to your child's problem. I was very shy, but my mother told me constantly I was beautiful and smart and loved, and I believed her, so my lack of social life was bearable. She helped me become an emotionally healthy person, and eventually I made some great friends. Your son only needs one or two GOOD friends to feel better. He should be able to be pleasant and participate with different people, though. At this age, kids swap friends like Kleenex sometimes, so tomorrow's always another chance to find a new friend.

I also remember going to sucky daycares and it took my mom a few months to find out how awful the caregivers were. I don't remember the kids there, just the mean, negligent teachers! Investigate and ask questions about what goes on!

If he does well at school but not daycare, then it's probably the daycare.

Sad Mom, my thought when I read this is:
bring those children something special that you and your child prepared for them. I'm sorry that has to happen to your child but most important, prayer changes things!

Oh, I hurt for you and for your son too.

Is there anyway you can let him invite a friend or two over for a playdate?

It may be that the kids just don't know him yet.

Or, maybe you can watch him as he plays and then later you may be able to give him some guidance on how to make friends.

I hope you find a solution.

Although teachers cannot make kids play, they can teach about caring, friendly behavior and not allow other behavior. They can observe and give him advice. I taught school for 10 years before I had my own kids and think that it is unexcuseable for adults that care for children to shrug off these issues. It is part of their responsibility to help the children learn to play together. I would suggest talking to him and see what goes right at school and also talk to his teacher(s) and find out if the same problem exists at school or if he is happy there. I would then use that information to make a decision about the daycare. Ask the teachers at daycare what they observe and what they suggest. There are alot of things they can do to encourage friendly behavior. Unfortunately, some teachers get tired at the end of the day and don't want to expend the energy to help children learn to work out their problems. I definitely believe in teaching children to solve their own problems and not stepping in too much, but that takes energy and guidance. They can also have organized activities for part of the time where everyone has to participate. If they are not willing to help you, I would switch daycares, if possible. You are paying for their service and they should have your child's (and every child in their care) best interest at heart.

OOh, that's sad. My daughter (6 at the time) used to tell me that from time to time, not a lot but the few times she did I'd ask her what did she do or how did she appraoach them. She has a tendency to be bossy at times so I told her she has to treat people like she wants to be treated and that even when you do that, please know that doesn't mean everyone will want to play with you because as the lady said kids will be kids. It's a delicate subject but ask him how does he approach the other kids and how does he approach them. I'm not saying it's his fault, but it's a start. Hope this helps some.

For your son PLEASE find him a new daycare. I know finding a daycare is not easy, but for your son find him a new one.

Wrong answer. It is time to look into another daycare where they are more professional and knowledgeable about children. What do they do to him? Does the daycare owner understand that bullying and mean ness from kids at school can lead to more harmful incidents? Mom, it is time to look for another daycare. If that is their answer, I can't see that there will be any change if you talked to them again. What activities do they have for the children? And when they do how can those activities leave any one child out? Time to move. Best of outcome to you.

Hi D.,
My first response to those daycare providers would be GOOD BYE. If you have adults who take that kind of attitude, you can bet the kids pick up on it and adopt it! A loving, caring, considerate attitude doesn't just HAPPEN, kids must LEARN to be nice and treat others with respect and so on. If the teachers and administrators in that daycare have the sort of attitude where "kids will be kids" you can bet your son is not getting the care and attention that he needs in other areas. I would find a different daycare TODAY. I think if you did that, you would see that it's not that "kids will be kids", it's that the adults just don't care enough to try and have everyone play together NICELY and that's THEIR fault! Kids pick up on things so easily and the attitudes of the adults is coming through for them to see concerning your son. I have been involved with many daycares in the past--I worked in one, and also did music programs for several others over the years, as well as having a friend who has run one in another state for 25 years. There are some good, caring ones out there. PLEASE FIND ONE!!!! The one you are using is the problem.
Please let me know how it goes. If there is anything I can do to help I will be glad to!

C. P.
____@____.com

My heart would be sad for my child too D., but it sounds like he has a very loving mother who will guide him through this period. Have you thought of sending him with some "fun" things for the class for after school care? IE: cupcakes or an art project or a special movie? Also, think of things that make your son happy and try to make sure he can do some of those things at after school care. It might mean that you have to put forth a lot of effort, but when he is happy (instead of sad and scared that no one will play with him) then the other kids are more likely to WANT to play with him. I will keep you little man in my prayers.

have you weighed the financial gain that you are getting from working after you child gets out of school? I am a stay at home mom because by the time you add up Daycare expense, gas to get to and from work, daycare and home, eating out (if you do not bring your lunch to work) etc, the financial gain for me was not enough to put my daughter through that, I did it with my son and had horrible times with sitters and daycares and I beleive it effects him still and he is 11 years old now. If your work will let you maybe you can cut your hours to accomidate the time your child attends school, or discuss it with your husband and be a stay at home Mom, or maybe you can change jobs at some point to work school hours. i have seen with my daughter that I missed out on so much with my son when I worked(although I did stay home until he was 18 months old) I still missed a lot, I would not chage staying home with my daughter for the world, and when she does start school I am only going to work school hours so I can be home when my kids get off the bus. We don't have all the luxury's of some but we are a happy family and I am always there for my kids. Good luck to you I know how hard it is, I hope you can make it through. Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger? She is on the Radio all over the country, you can look her up at DrLaura.com and see where she is in you area maybe listening to her will help you with your problem, she is a little harsh sometimes but she is very wise

Talk with the owner/administrator of the daycare. If you pay them, then yes it is their responsibility to make sure that the children co-mingle and have play time together or find him an activity that he may enjoy doing alone (color). Our school has several options for after school care. Try another if you don't get results QUICK. If the problem persists, your child may have a behavior problem. Also, try getting to the daycare after they arrive and see if you can stay out of sight to see what is happening. If the teachers/leaders are neglecting to oversee the action of the children - pull him out. They can't let him be bullied. Change centers if necessary.

Good morning D.. I am not saying this to be mean, but what do the school teachers, etc. say about his behaviour? It could be that he exudes an attitude that sets the other kids off - this happens because of innate shyness, or lack of self esteem sometimes. It seems that the administrators are not upholding their part of the bargain ie: teaching acceptance, etc. I know it hurts to see this happening. I have a daughter who couldn't make friends either because of her attitude and we found out (too late) that she has Ausbergers Syndrome. Not easily detectable at times (but there were other aspects to this so I'm not saying that your child has the same). A thorough physical might be in order and maybe some counseling? It may help. God bless and good luck.

I would find another daycare that cares about children developing and treating others well. Obviously this one doesn't feel that approach benefits children. While I know it is difficult to find good child care, it's more difficult to reverse the effects that other children can have on your "baby".

I grew up in a very small town & school(everyone knew everybody). Well not the same with my children. The children at their school can be very rude. The children that come from wealth think thats makes them better than the average children. I've learned to just pray & leave it in Gods hands. I pray daily for God to help my children form the right relationships with the right people.

Look for an environmental problem, especially if this isn't happening at his kindergarten. Too many flourescent lights? These have long been proven to adversely affect kids' ability to learn (and get along!) Cellphone tower nearby? Everyone in the area will be depressed. Wi-Fi? Even worse.

You need a new daycare. It sounds like they don't want to go to the "trouble" of caring for your child the way they should. If he is in their care they need to care for him, and part of that means teaching them how to play together and get along with each other. Saying "kids will be kids" is just a way of saying they're too lazy to do anything about it.

Maybe you could throw a party for your son and invite some of those children, as well as some of his friends from his regular school class whom he feels comfortable with. Perhaps they would relate to your son differently in a different environment. I don't think the daycare workers seem very helpful or concerned. You might consider another daycare.

Awwww, poor little thing! I know how you feel. Both of my girls have come home saying the same thing. It has always passed though. On those nights, we have usually prayed about it before bed time and I just encourage them to go up to someone who is playing something they like the next day and ask if they want to play. Sometimes I've practiced it with them (what they will say). Good luck. I know it breaks a mama's heart.

I have been in the same situation with my now almost eight year old. He played alone for at least two years in pre school. It stopped when I started praying for him before he would get on the bus. I would lay my hands on his little head and pray against a spirit of rejection and what do you know within a week of doing this he started talking about his Best Friend Steven!!! The power of prayer is unbeatable. Ask God for all your needs and he will answer. Jesus is the key. It is such a simple thing to do to get such awesome results.

This is the worst feeling in the world. I have a disabled son so I have been there.
I don't want to offend you, I know in our hearts our children are perfect just the way they are. But something is causing this. I would try to find out what it is about your child that is causing this, what are the children saying to him? Then try to help him fix it, for instance my daughter was very bossy and rude. Other children stopped wanting to play with her because she was always telling them what to do and telling on them when they didn't do just what she wanted. We had several talks about the behavior and I think it has improved allot at school. I had to ask her questions to find out what was really going on, she didn't know what she was doing wrong.
I don't know what the issue is, but hopefully its something simple.
I would contact his teacher at school to see how he is doing with his peers there. Maybe they have some idea as to why this is happening.
I think the daycare should have a more caring and helpful attitude about the situation, they should be able to help you find out why the kids won't play witn him.
Maybe there is a daycare that has group activities where all the children participate. Either way I wouldn't let this continue for too long, It really hurts both of you.

U asked, so this is my opinion. Unless there is a problem with your son hygienes or behavior the worker is right they can't make children play with other children but if they had a clue on dealing with children she would realize how to handle this problem sounds like the children are smarter than the adults if they can't solve the problem or make it better. I say run and pull your son out of that daycare if the worker can't come up with a solution to your problem. You can reason better with children than adults and I bet if the worker or workers would talk to the children things would change but evidently thats not happening. Why should your son be punished if the workers are clueless. After all you help pay salaries @ the daycare and if they want to be minus one so be it. Good luck and I am so sorry some children are cruel.

If you're able, take a day off work and go see what's going on. Don't tell your son you're coming to visit, just try to go and watch during playtime. See if you can pick up on anything. Also let the daycare owner know you are extremely concerned. If your son is unhappy, you may need to find other daycare alternatives. It may just be a phase, but it may be something more.

when I had that problm, I would invite a playmate and their mom to lunch, or ice cream that way my child would be the only pick and it made the others realize what a fun time they had with him and when they were at daycare they were more than likely to include him also

the kids will come around

If possible find a classmate's mother and become friends with her. Or have a small party for your son and invite the class.