Sad - Altamonte Springs,FL

I'm not a single mom nor do I have experience with this, but I think at the age of 8 its about that time where she is facing changes. I know when I got to a certain age, I did not like being around my mom at all. Fast forward to when I had my first child and I relied so heavily on my mom. So try to take it with a grain of salt. She is growing up, and she's changing, but you'll always be her mom. So just try to hang in there.

It is hard to share your child, so I understand that. But if you re-route your thought process on it you will do yourself a huge favor. Be very happy that your daughter has a dad and a grandma in her life that actually care for her and she enjoys visiting. It could be so much worse if she hated going and the court order forced it... see what i mean?
Be happy for her, do NOT compete with your ex, dont overindulge your daughter to make up for time lost. Reinforce to yourself how lucky she is to have this, and then take the down time without her to do things for yourself and brag about what a great divorce situation you do have and how your child is not having to feel any real pain from it. She will have the fantasies of wishing her mom and dad were together, but since that's not happening she does have the best of situations after a divorce.
Don't get your feelings hurt, she is only 8, you know she loves you, don't make her feel bad for not fixing your insecurity, okay? That is not fair to her.
She has busy holiday plans, she's too young to really realize giving you a hug and I love you would fix you. She will know that in a few years tho and I'm sure you will get it then ;)

Hi L.,
Seriously, think about this. I know your feelings are hurt but she never asked for these living arrangements, did she?
Personally, I think it's inappropriate for you to say "I missed you" when she returns from her dad's house. It's her time with her father. She obviously loves him. Would you expect her to love you more if you & dad were together? Probably not so why would you expect proof of hat now?
I know you're licking your wounds but it's probably only the beginning of these types of situations. I think it was nice that she was allowed to stay longer to be with her grandma from out of town...
Focus on her & her feelings, not you & yours.

I think you are perfectly perfectly normal. I was a single mom (my daughter is an adult now) and I remember feeling that way sometimes. It's hard not to even if logically you are glad that her dad is in her life. Hey, you agreeed to her staying extra to see paternal gramma, and you put on your happy face for her - you're doing fine. Plus you had to deal with your ex getting married - that's still a little hard, too, so give yourself a break! And remember that your little girl was probably a little ga-ga for the wedding and this too shall pass. My ex remarried 3 times and by the 3rd time, my daughter wasn't nearly as entranced with it. Of course, do every thing you can to make things work with your ex even when you are feeling sad but hold on to this thought. When they grow up, they do understand the difference between the parent that was there every day, that took them to school, that took them to the dr, that shared all the achievements and heartbreaks when they happened and the one they saw every other weekend. It's really hard sometimes that you can't offer the same level of excitement on a day to day basis, but you really have the best end of the deal.

Sorry you're feeling sad. But- keep in mind, the REASON she missed her dad so much is because HE is not the one around for her most of the time!

She is just a child and although she loves you, children take for granted all the things and people who are always there for them- in this case, YOU :)

I got divorced when my son was 4 and now he is almost 11. My ex remarried a year after we got divorced and I just got remarried earlier this year. Now he and his wife are expecting a baby of their own.

IME- even dads who start out with the best of intentions about seeing their kids after divorce, often fall short. With my son, he originally went to his dad's every other weekend and one overnight per week. Then the overnight was too hard because he and his wife couldn't drive him to school the next day,. So I said how about a weeknight DINNER with him? I even offered to just stick around their town and wait until dinner was over to pick my son up if they couldn't (what they say is "can't do it" but what that really means is " don't want to be bothered, too inconvenient" ) drive him home. No, just couldn't make that work either.

After a while, I just STOPPED being the enabler. I don't trash talk my ex in front of our son- but I have stopped trying to be his personal secretary and facilitator. Even when it worked out, they always do the arrangement just long enough for my son to get used to it and expect it- and then something comes up and they stop and we are back to square one.

As your daughter gets older, she will come to terms with this on her own. It's sad, but it just happens. Watching my son in the past year or so get that 'resigned' look when his dad does not show up on time to get him or cancels a weekend because 'something came up' has been heartbreaking for his stepfather and I.

But- in the end, it has made my son and husband so much closer. His stepfather is the one who does chores with him, goes to all his school events, etc. He has a good relationship with his dad and stepmom, don't get me wrong. They are not terrible parents- but they are less and less involved and I suspect that will just continue once their baby is born. It is almost more like they are an aunt and uncle my son is really really fond of and sees a couple of times per month.

I know how hard it is to feel like the 'other' parent is more appreciated. But don't begrudge your daughter that. Sad as it is, it is very likely that as she gets older, she will be less and less close with her dad. So let her have this now while she still can. You will ALWAYS be 'the mommy' and be there for her. She loves and will show it more and more as she grows.

Happy holidays to both of you! *hugs*

She was there for an extended time and with family in town, I'm sure it wasn't the day to day situation, but more of a celebration. It isn't bad that she misses him, and that she had a good time with him. They will settle back into their old routine, and you can have some special girly time while she is there to help you reconnect. Just let her know how happy you are that she had such a great time visiting. Ask what they did, show some interest, that will help too.

Hi L. ;-)

I think you are receiving good advice, but I especially appreciate Denise P's and Grandma T's responses, as they focus on your daughter. And, the best thought being that of Denise's which is.. if you were together and happy with your husband, you would not be thinking of competing with him for her love or expect her to love one more.

I wasn't sure how to address your sadness, but what popped out at me was that this has a deeper source than your daughter's recent weekend and phone call to her dad. The fact that you are feeling this indicates that it has been something you have been feeling (whether aware or not) for a while with regard to a sense of connection with your daughter.

I agree with Grandma in taking time for yourself, to do thing that will help you feel better about yourself. It feels as if you have had this kind of "rejection" before in your life, and this present event is triggering your sadness about all experiences around that.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to find a journal and begin to write down your feelings. Start with "I'm sad".. and then "I'm sad when"... and keep on going, no expectations, just take this quiet time to be in the "allow".. of thoughts and feelings coming to the surface, to be seen and experienced.

On the Wednesdays that she is with her dad and every other weekend, find a hobby or mini job or volunteer situation.. anything that will help you recognize the VALUE in you! I agree with everyone and APPLAUD you in creating a very sweet loving situation for your daughter to have TWO parents who LOVE her in this "best case scenario" of living with divorce. Good job! You are a wonderful mom and giving your daughter some of the best examples in life about what love is all about.. sharing and caring about HER needs most, over yours and your husbands. :-)

The goal: To know and feel in your heart the love that you have for your daughter and hers for you. You are not feeling that right now, hence the sadness of "not being chosen"... so journal, exercise, engage in a hobby, LOVE YOURSELF.. and when you do, your heart will open and find that your daughter loves you now and has always loved you and would look at you in say HUH mom? if she ever knew you ever doubted it :-)

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

I know how you feel, I had the same situation last year, and is horrible this feeling even my husband (we been married for 3 years) get upset about it, but we never let her know . And I learn not to ask or say I miss you ( the real true is she's having an awesome time and is nothing wrong with it) now I just ask did you have fun? I now know that I prefer that she's back so happy than very upset about it.....and that's a worse feeling. My daughter is 7 now and have a little sister and is more difficult to send her with her dad , she just don't want to leave our home and that's another feeling .....can you imagine yourself with that kind of feeling that you want to be in 2 places at the same time so bad?
So don't feel bad about how you feel is completly normal. But focus on your girls needs like you say have a great weekend with her and enjoy!!

Updated

I know how you feel, I had the same situation last year, and is horrible this feeling even my husband (we been married for 3 years) get upset about it, but we never let her know . And I learn not to ask or say I miss you ( the real true is she's having an awesome time and is nothing wrong with it) now I just ask did you have fun? I now know that I prefer that she's back so happy than very upset about it.....and that's a worse feeling. My daughter is 7 now and have a little sister and is more difficult to send her with her dad , she just don't want to leave our home and that's another feeling .....can you imagine yourself with that kind of feeling that you want to be in 2 places at the same time so bad?
So don't feel bad about how you feel is completly normal. But focus on your girls needs like you say have a great weekend with her and enjoy!!

First off BIG hugs to you sweety. I want to say I hear your feelings, and I disagree with those that think you dont have a right to feel this way. You have every right to feel however you want to, and aslong as your not pulling a guilt trip with her its truly not hurting her. I Also think its more than fine to tell her you missed her whill she is away. I am sure her father tells her, because its true. You both miss her when she is with the other one. My Bio dad never once tolled me he missed me when I was away, and it made me feel like he didnt care if I was there or not.
I jsut want you to keep inmind that whill I think its ok to say it you should also be ready if she dosnt say it back to you. I think the lack of missing you on her part was probley because with her granny intown and the exctiment of her father new marrage there was probely a lot going on, and there jsut might not have been time to miss anything.
I have an 8 year old boy, and I am divorced from his father and have been for a long time. Whill he has my husband (who he calls daddy, but his chois) he still has a bit of what I call Hero worshiup for my Ex. I know I did this whith my bio dad around this age too. I think kids that age want there dad to be there super hero. I think you are doing a great ob of shareing her and not shattering her hero dreams. Keep it up!!
Whill you have her this week, try to do special little things with her. Take her our shopping ot to a movie. Maybe have a picknick on the floor in the living room and snuggle, have a sleepover in your room and let eh sleep in bed with you for a nigh, or whatever it is she enjoys doing. Its the holidays so as long as she wants it a few extra little hugs here and there are good to. Hugs are a great way of telling her you love her and your there for her no matter what.
I know its hard, but she is your daughter and she DOSE love you. cute her a bear and whill your at it cut your self one too. Hugs agin sweety and jsut hang in there

Blessings!

She misses her dad and only gets to see him 1 night a week. I don't think you should be sad that she called her father and told him she misses him. I'm sure she loves you, kids love both of their parents so don't get jealous.

That is tough, but you have to remember it is tough for them as well. It is common that it seems more fun where she will go to visit rather then where she lives most of the time. She is only 8 and probably has a lot of mixed feelings. It is very important to make her feel loved but not make it Disney World either. She will show you in return when you spend "quality time" with her. It may not be instant either, but hang in there and love her so she feels it. You will be blessed in the long run and now! Praying for ya!

She had a great time with her Dad and his family and it's still fresh on her mind. Don't take it personally, she's 8 after all. We Mom's get our feelings hurt pretty often, but try to let it go. She still loves you just as much as ever!!

Hi L., yuck, I'm sorry you're feeling sad.

But a child shouldn't have to choose/show/prove which parent she likes better.

Please don't tell her you miss her while she's with her Dad. That's a wicked guilt trip.

When she's on the way out the door, tell her "Have FUN!"

Keep her close but maybe texting her while she's gone (occasionally), "Whatchoo doin?" "What's 4 dinner?"

She should be dying to get home and tell you all about it!

To some degree you are lucky. I have just the opposite problem. My daughter can't stand going to her father's.

Like another poster suggested, find something to fill her away time with that you CAN'T do when she's home.

Tell her your proud of her and happy she has a good thing with her Dad. She sounds like a very emotionally healthy child.

Plus, she's at a common age for girls to have big crushes on their Dad's or other male figure in their lives, you know?

It's normal for you to be sad. To be honest, it pisses me off that I've had to do 100% of the parenting to have raised 3 healthy happy well adjusted successful children, and all he has to do is sign a check, and relax and enjoy their company!

Happy Thoughts!
:)

Do you think your sadness is a symptom of your ex's remarriage (especially since it just happened)? I'm not saying that you want to be married to him, however you might be reacting to the fact that he got remarried and you haven't...? When we are emotionally bruised, it helps to be told that you were missed, that she values the time with you.

big hugs! it's hard, until i moved a ways out, my daughter spent every other weekend, every other tues and every wednesday with her dad, + 2 weeks in june AND july + holiday breaks....i was "listed" as custodial parent but really he was in a round about fashion, just about as soon as she came home she was back at her dad's! it killed me at first, then i got used to it, now he only excercises everyother weekend because of our distance, I ME, am so much happier with this schedule because she has a steady schedule vs on school nights at dad's she called me FOR step mom at 10pm one night and STILL had not had dinner.....i was FURIOUS i didn't answer her question but got her dad on the phone.

ne ways i feel for you...but it's all part of a divorce