RSVP Etiquette Kids Party (Closed Post)

Proper etiquette has gone out the window these days. And yes, I hate it.­R.S.V.P. French phrase, "répondez, s'il vous plaît," means "please reply." The person sending the invitation wo­uld like you to tell him or her whether you accept or decline the invitation. Proper etiquette rules require that if you receive a formal, written invitation, you should reply promptly. These days 'Regrets Only' is often used on invitations instead of RSVP. In this instance, you call only if you are declining the invitation. If there is no call then it is accepted that you will be attending. But, this doesn't work any better than RSVP!

That's SOOOOO frustrating!!!!!! I find it SOOO rude for people not to RSVP.. Don't parents realize you have to have head counts for things like this (IE: buying food, drinks, giftbags, etc)? Ugh... My son is going to be 4,so I don't have a lot of experience with this yet BUT I do have it with "adult" parties we have.. I have friends that don't respond to things we throw (IE: bbqs, get togethers, etc) and it DRIVES ME NUTS...
I'm the type: when I get an invitation, I respond yes or no.. Simple as that.. I do it so I don't forget to do it.. Then I mark it on my calendar.. So easy but not everyone does things the way I do, unfortunately..
Good luck!!!

Can you send the invitations out via e-vite? IMO this is how kids parties should be done. People end up in situations like yours all the time and and evite would really help b/c it sends out reminders if you don't RSVP. Just an idea.

Also-you should NEVER EVER underestimate the jealousy of other parents-particularly if you have a bright child. Other parents are much more able to handle your child as a sports star or most popular than a "gifted" child. The claws come out. I would look to the future with her next party and invite only kids from her new class. They will probably be more mature anyhow.

(EDIT) @ Amber K- Your attack on the poster was unwarranted-she is only frustrated and hurt for her child. People come to this board for advice and support-not to be judged and berated. But as the kind of person who doesn't RSVP yourself no wonder you took the other mom's side. And if YOU come off in person as you sound in your post then I am surprised that YOU can get anyone at your parties.

I had to laugh reading a couple of responses. Anyone who thinks that they don't "need" to RSVP is, for want of a better word, a jerk. It is not too hard to pick up a phone, send a text or, heck, TALK to someone to be courteous. It makes me crazy when parents set such a bad example for their children. And then they complain about other people. Using the excuse that "summer is busy" is bull. There are things called calenders. Use them.
It's called common courtesy. For some reason it's not being passed on to our kids and there are a LOT of adults who think they are above it.
I'm sorry that your daughters feelings were hurt. I would make sure to call the people who are saying they "might" be there and just take out your daughter and the one person who was nice enough to respond.

Edit: Whoa! Ladies! It doesn't matter if the OP is rude, shallow, picks her nose or dances the watusi. The point is that it is RUDE to not respond to a RSVP. If the parents didn't "like" her, they should have said no. That's it. Very simple.

It is ridiculous because people in general don't reply. They seem to expect you to know if they are coming or not (and those you think wouldn't miss often do!). It is a shame because your daughter was so selective in who she invited but that is why she is so upset. I personally would go forward as is for her birthday and let her have a get-together after school starts too since this is obviously going to be small.

Just reassure her that this is their loss.

Oh my...this is only one example of how rude and selfish and insensitive so many people are becoming. My 20-something daughter gave a party while in grad school, and several said they would come (one being a guy who is still her great buddy, many years later), and one girl even called just an hour before the party to ask the address (she had been to the apt. once before, and it was quite near, but just needed the address), saying, "See you soon!". Guess what? NOBODY SHOWED UP AT ALL! So, at 10 P.M., with hors d'ouvres and drinks wilting, my poor daughter went to bed. This cannot be blamed directy on these people's parents, or maybe it can, with the way they were brought up. And wait until you send a $200 wedding gift and never hear a word! Then you tactfully, three months later, ask your friend, the bride's Mom if her daughter received it, and are told,"Oh, yes! I think they are doing their thank-yous this week!" Then a month later, again, tactfully, in an email on another subject, you drop in the question to the bride herself, "Oh, by the way,did you receive the gift I sent" (this being 4 months after the wedding). Her reply was, "Yes, I got it and am enjoying it, along with the OTHER beautiful things I received! Didn't my Mom TELL YOU already that I got the gift?". She added, "We are still 'looking for the right thank-you cards', and the wedding etiquette book said I have six months to send thank-yous' " . Can you believe anyone (and from a "classy" family, to boot) would somewhat argue and defend oneself in this situation, instead of just saying, "Gee, I am so sorry I have not gotten my thank-you cards out, but yes, I love the bedspread" - then following that up finally with a proper thank-you card?. I never received a card,by the way, and it is five years later. This was a family we had been close friends with for many years, throughout our children's school years, all of us visiting each other often, etc. Well, the son of the family married a couple of years later, and yes, I got an invite for that one, too. But I didn't send a gift. Why bother? Gifts are given, not to receive praise (or a thank-you card), but you want to know that they liked it, and (and if it even got there from the store!), and it is simply expected, as well as a common courtesy, that the recipient acknowledge the gift within in a reasonable time. Bottom line, and I have digressed, but as it relates to your birthday party for your daughter, people are becoming extremely self-centered and ruder in general and are tossing aside all social graces, I find. And yes, if your situation about the party had happened to those moms (i.e., not having received an rsvp response, or just a lame excuse), you can be sure they would be bad-mouthing you! But you, it seems, are a rare one these days - one who still shows class and a sense of fairness and sensitivity. Your little girl's sadness makes me sad. I went through a lot of that with my daughter, beginning in kindergarten (the k'garten little girl "leader" brought toys to school to give away to make friends...and she then had those 'friends' lock my daughter in the rest-room every day). It didn't take long for me to go to the school principal about this one! Good luck with your situation. Keep "taking the high road", even though others don't so much. Hopefully, you and your daughter will find a group of reliable, true friends soon, but it's hard! I hope somehow her future birthday celebrations are happy, memorable ones!

I agree 100% that not sending an RSPV is rude and it drives me crazy every time one of my children has a party. I would just go forward with the one friend that is coming and maybe even add another something special for them to do since it will just be the 2. Stop for manicures or something.

I just had to say one thing though.......people who invite the whole class are not necessarily doing it to get more gifts. We have always invited the whole class, or all of the kids of my child's gender if the party is gender specific, so we don't exclude anyone and hurt feelings. My children are younger and once they are your daughter's age we too will probably just invite friends but for now we feel better inviting everyone so no one is hurt since the kids talk about parties (both before and after) in class. As the parent of a child with Aspergers who gets invited to MAYBE 2 birthday parties per year, it's nice when the parents are considerate enough to invite everyone. I'm not saying that everyone should feel they have to (every child/family should do what's right for their party) but I just didn't want everyone thinking it's a bad thing or a selfish thing to invite everyone.

Good luck,
K.

I won't give you my own stories, but I will say, yes, it is horrible how parents don't step up and use proper manners. And to those who say..... "I can't respond because I don't know if we can make it"... that's where you have to be an adult and make a decision!

My kids have received plenty of party invitations over the years, and sometimes we really don't know if we will make it until the last minute. On those occasions, you have to be an adult and make a decision. If you don't know, you explain it to your child, and then you call and say, "sorry, we have __ going on and don't know if the timing will work out, SO WE WILL HAVE TO DECLINE." 90% of the time, the moms on the other end say.. "oh, that's ok. if it ends up working out, come anyway!". But if they don't, we don't go. Sure it can be disappointing, but hey...that's how life is sometimes. My responsibility is to give a reply in advance. If I don't know, the reply HAS to be "can't make it". Why is that so hard for ADULTS to grasp?!

i don't think it's jealousy from anyone's part. i think it's how people do it, or don't do it, these days. no one rsvps. i have heard countless moms complaining how people don't rsvp. i had a mom just a few weeks ago who didn't know how many people were showing up at her daughter's b-day because only us had rsvp-ed. then plenty showed up and the mom ended up not having enough food, goodie bags, what not for everyone. she had assumed they were not coming. she had called, left messages, and even emailed and never heard back.
wow. so i say celebrate the b-day now with one friend or no friends. make it special for your daughter.

I feel bad for you and your daughter. We have friends who celebrate birthdays on different dates. Summer becomes so busy. The parents should have taken the time to respond. Its just plain rude not to. Ask you daughter what she really wants to do, then do it for her. I hope she has a wonderful Birthday!! Something tells me she will. Your a wonderful mom!

I feel for you.. We throw big parties and people don't RSVP. Manners have gone out the window.

I call and/or email parents before I have to lock in my number of people. I'm in the midst of planning a Sweet 16 and the part I hate the most is the people who don't respond either way and I have to spend time calling and emailing.

Happy Birthday to your daughter.

Wow...I am not sure how to respond to this...my first reaction is similar to Shanes'...your over reaction to this is fueling your daughters' reaction. I agree that it is rude and thoughtless to ignore an RSVP but I also know that most people now a days don't do it...so why get upset at something that is sadly becoming the "norm".
I am really concerned with your comments about Scholars class and Remedial Class...(What happened to all of the kids in the "middle"....lol) . I would really be hesitant to emphasize this to your daughter, she needs to be able to view her friends as just that ..her friends....irregardless of how "advanced" they are!!!
As to the party after school starts, I certainly would NOT have a "birthday" party because that really does look like the "inviting everyone because it gets more gifts" scenario that you spoke of at the beginning of your question. She will have just met these girls...and any "friendships" that she has developed with them will be at the infant stage of relationships. How about a "Back to school party"....just a get together at your pool to celebrate the end of summer...hot dogs, soda, home made ice cream and lots of pool toys?
Let your daughter have her birthday party with the one child who is going to show up...do something different if you want to...take them to a movie, let them go to the local makeup counter at Dillards and get a makeover...buy them a half dozen shades of fingernail polish to give each other manicures and pedicures...a real "girls day out"!!! Relax...enjoy!!!

Honey.....
chill and take a deep breath.

All I can say is that being born just a few days before Christmas, no one ever came to my parties. All the kids were gone with their familes for vacation. I was a pretty popular kid, but who the heck trades going to Grandma's for a week for a b-day party? Not many kids.
I was 23 before I had an actual for real birthday party with everyone surprising me. It was glorious!
That said, my son's birthday is at the end of June.
It didn't take long to figure out that having his "party" before school let out was the best way to go.
That way, even his very best friends weren't going to say they couldn't come.
Summer parties can be hard to arrange.
No offense, but I think you are putting too much emphasis on remedial or scholars class. As a result, your daughter will judge things the same way.
Like I said, summer parties are ridiculous to try to plan because everybody is trying to plan so many things at the same time. It's no excuse for lack of etiquette, but this happens.
You are stressed trying to plan a party and other moms are freaking out thinking they have to do this or that...
It's nothing to ruin friendships over.
It really isn't.
If you have a summer baby, then plan the party when you know for sure people aren't scattered to the winds with their own plans and make it easier on every one.
I have a summer son.
I figured out early on that having a party before school let out was the best way. EVERY kid came!
On one hand, you are taking this too personally.
Rude is rude, but it's so hard to gather people this time of year.

The more you get upset, the more it will upset your daughter.
We always have parties during the school year for friends.
It's not that hard and then you can have a family thing or a friend or two over on the real day.
You're already worrying about "Sweet 16".
Quit worrying so much.

That's just my opinion.

Sadly it is normal for people to not reply (and then assume that you will "count" then in anyway) incase they do show up , or leave it right until the last minute to say yes or no. It is very frustrating for you as the organiser , because you need to make sure you have enough food/drinks and party bags (if you do that). Plus if your like me , you just want to have it clear in your head beforehand who is coming and what is happening on the day. I think in the beginning you gave them too many options and were being too nice , saying I can pick up and drop off if you like , it just gives them the impression that this is a relaxed affair and not an actual party so it doesn't matter if they reply or not. I would call them again and make it plain & simple , say " The party starts at this time here and ends this time here" is xxxx coming as I need to know now for numbers for food. If they still cannot say yes or no then just tell them that sorry you will have to take that as a no.

I hope she has a great day whatever happens.

i must say, to hear so many people say "people dont rsvp", they assume they will be "counted" or "not counted", or the summer is busy is the rudest thing ever. any excuse, other than one completely, genuinely forgot, is self centered. why do people think they can leave someone hanging, in essence, to see if something better comes along.

no matter why the children can or cant come, the bottom line is 98% of people know what RSVP means. if something else is going on or if they dont like you, they can simply say no. instead, they ignore phone calls and dont say anything. imo, they have decided no, but dont want to tell their kid no because the kid really wants to go, so they ignore the whole thing hoping everyone will forget about it(hence the girl saying she can come after 4pm with mom reading the invitation saying until 3). its rude and selfish, totally not thinking of the little girl who is having the party.

i personally think having a birthday party towards october is a little late. what might be nice though is the 2nd week of school, have a regulart pool party with all the girls in her class. it will be a nice way to meet everyone and say goodbye to the summer with a last time swimming. probaly only a few girls will end up coming anyway. i think if you did any kind of party that early in the year, to invite everyone(at least all the girls). you wouldnt want anyone to feel excluded that soon in the year.

i would take her out somewhere special the week of her birthday, maybe even a day trip, go somewhere they sing happy birthday, take lots of pictures. that way, she can remember that good time as her birthday celebration, instead of this fiasco.

First off, ignore Shane and Amber K. Amber K espically since she just seemed rude in her response. Second, if you requested an RSVP, out of common courtesy they should have replied. And like Christina said, there are calendars out there for a reason! Use them!

Since SHE asked for a party later, then maybe it would be for the best. That way, she could invite the four again along with the 'new' friends (classmates). She (or you) could explain to the friends and parents that it doesn't seem to be a good time for all right now, and by asking later the (remedial) friends wouldn't feel bad about being in different classes, because there will be friends from many different classes. It would be a nice time for others to meet and mingle! You could tell the parents that you need a FIRM yes or no a week ahead of the "new" party date for reservations, how much food, etc. HTH!

Failure to respond to an RSVP is getting to be a pet peeve for me. I've asked several mothers who've all said they don't get a response either. Apparently this is just one of many good manners that have gone by the wayside. My daughter planned for 20 guests at a combined birthday party for her two children. Two friends RSVPed and one did attend. The other called at the last minute and said her son couldn't attend because he had a bad cold. Cousins and their parents came. Otherwise no one else who was sent an invitation came. The pool had set up the party for 25 guests, which then left 2 long tables empty of guests but set up with paper goods and balloons. The room was too crowed for games. I seem to be the only person upset by this. My daughter said she wasn't surprised. My grandkids, ages 7 and 10, had fun playing with cousins of various ages and didn't seem to mind either.

This was the last kids party for my granddaughter, 10. From now on she'll be able to invite one friend to do something special with her. That is continuing a tradition that I started with her mother. And my granddaughter is excited to do that, too.

I doubt that being in the remedial class had anything to do with their not coming. I do suggest that summers are a difficult time to get anyone together and that my have something to do with the lack of response. My daughter and her kids all have late June and July birthdays.

You are right, going or not going is all up to the parents and the fact that her friends didn't show up is no reflection on their friendship. I know that doesn't help much in making your daughter feel better.

I would have the party with the one friend. It is her birthday and she deserves a celebration. The two of them will have a good time. I take my granddaughter and a friend ice skating every few months.

I would also have a party later. Perhaps not a birthday party but a party for the kids to get to know each other. It would be OK to make it a belated birthday party too if that is what your daughter wants. Just as RSVP's apparently aren't de riquer anymore, neither is much of anything else when it comes to parties. The idea is to have fun and I agree with that one.

It's too late now, but when the party is intended for just 4 girls, I would call the parents directly and talk with them about the date while being open to changing the date if another one works better for all the girls. Did the parents know that the party was going to be this small? When I was giving parties for my daughter I called parents directly. I don't remember sending out invitations except for one special Wizard of Oz Party. But I also called the parents. Perhaps the difference between you and me in making that decision is that I was casual friends with the other mothers. I did work full time and was a single parent and welcomed the adult contacts. We chatted about our kids often.

You definitely should not have to call the parents!!! I'm feeling angry at them right now too. I add the bit about calling because I found that worked and you don't want this to happen again. Definitely do the sweet sixteen party for her!

Since there are just 4 girls involved, I'd make a point of having them over, perhaps one at a time for a sleep over or even just to spend time with your daughter so that she'll know that they're still her friends. It's important for her to not continue to feel rejected. If these have been good friends she may want to continue with their friendship even tho they don't go to the same school, at least until they've all moved on with their new group.

RE: the request for a firm answer didn't work for my daughter or her friend when she had a party for her daughter.

If you put an RSVP date then they should have RSVP'ed. Now I do sometimes fall into the category of not RSVP'ing, either I thought I already did or completely misplaced the invite. If the parent calls I apologize for not getting back to them sooner and give a clear yes or no if we are coming, or if we are coming a little later due to something else going on BUT I never will stay pass the end time or even suggest it.

I think people are taking RSVP's to lightly nowadays, the reason for them is for the host to plan. Who cares if it is a kids party or a wedding, to me it is still an invite with an RSVP. One should feel honor in getting invited to something and should check their schedule and make a decision. If you RSVP no and end up being able to call first to see if it is ok to come or don't go, if you RSVP yes but can not go the only reasons should be sickness or a death. I feel those are the only reasons for not going when RSVP'ed, and in those cases I still call and let them know the change and why.

My daughter is only 4 years old so I have not gotten into the whole friends thing yet because I have just kept it close family. I would remind your daughter that morethenlikely it is the parents that dropped the ball on this one, her friends can only do so much without defying the parents. Ask if she wants to have a small party with her new friends a month or so after school starts, it could be more of a fun day together and does not need to be centered around a birthday. I would just try to make it still a fun day for your daughter, maybe the other parents will get their act in gear and learn how to act respectfully (then again maybe not, so don't hold your breath).

oh, what a miserable situation. i'm so angry at those moms, and i shouldn't be because i must confess i'm one of the rude moderns who often forgets to honor RSVPs. (i don't think it's okay to do so, i'm just a twit and generally disorganized.) but i hope i wouldn't do so under these circumstances.
i agree with those who have gently suggested that your response to it (natural and honest though it is!) may be helping fuel your daughter's pain. so for starters, maybe you could try to work yourself around to a calm, zen sort of mindset in which you realize you cannot control others, only your own emotional reactions, and pass this along to your DD.
my gut feeling is to proceed with the party with the one (good!) friend who is coming. rather than it being a 'party' per se it can be a BFF celebration, and maybe you can think of something to make it extra special since it will be all about these two (a manicure, or horseback riding lesson, or something else that's kind of expensive to do in a group but a big treat for two.) i don't think i'd reschedule it in order to enlarge the invitation pool, it will feel too much like compensating. i doubt the remedial class has anything to do with it, just busy frazzled moms who are so focused on their own lives that they're being discourteous and inadvertently cruel. it's a hard life lesson and i'm not suggesting that you should tell your daughter to tough it out or suck it up or anything, just help her understand and to have a magnificent time in spite of it all.
i'm so sorry that you are both experiencing this. there is nothing harder than watching your babies in pain.
khairete
S.

Shane really says it. Calm down. People are always busy and I'm not sure if yo uknow how many invitations for parties and whatever else parents get. Yes they should have rsvp'ed, but honestly, if I don't know if we can make it due to other things going on, I don't rsvp. You even said that the other little girl couldn't come over be cause you had a vet appt. I think her mother was trying to work around her own schedule as well.
We didn't have big birthday parties when I was little, we spent time with family or had a friend over, that's right 1 friend. And if the presents aren't important (btw, if I do host a party for my kids, everyone is invited, but asked not to bring gifts) then have a theme party later after school starts. Don't postpone her birthday. Just host a different party for her later. And it seems like you are the only one making a big deal out of "remedial and scholar" classes. Please tell me that is not what your school calls them. And why would you leave those girls out just because their parents made you mad? Is that the right thing to teach your daughter? To toss those friends whom didn't make it into the "Scholar" class? Honestly, if you come off in person, the way you sound on here, I wouldn't take the time to rsvp you either. You sound like you think you are better than these other parents and you are quickly teaching you daughter the same thing. I truely hope that's not the case and you were blowing off steam here, which I have done as well. Just relax and try to have a great time with your daughter and her friend.

I may be the only one, but I almost agree with Amber's post! You unfortunately came across on this post as very shallow and I'm certain you didn't intend on sounding that way. I'm not sure I would allow my daughter to attend a party where the mother compares her child to others all the time. And if your school system actually refers to class types as remedial and scholars- shame on them. You must realize that is ridiculous! Btw- Pre-teen girls get jealous of friends, "boyfriends", and material things, they don't care about who got into what class!

When I have a small party like that, I call the moms ahead of time and determine the best time with them. It's hard to fit in all the events in the summer months. It may be the other moms' fault for not contacting you, but you said that they're not strangers. It's kinda your fault too for not oking the date before making arrangements. Sorry to sound so harsh, but jr. high age is such a sensitive time for girls (and boys too). It's good to try to avoid setting up events that may turn into scenes of rejection your daughter may perceive at this time in her life. Hope it all turns out ok. Good luck.