Rollercoaster of Emotions After Spouse Admits to Needing Help...

I think you are feeling anxiety and fear because you have just received scary, shocking news and you are still in shock. Your world has been rocked, and it's not something you can just brush off lightly. I know exactly how that feels, since I received some shocking news a few months ago, and it overwhelmed me and had me crying for a week and then threw me into a depression for a couple of months. And I am almost never depressed, normally.

What you are experiencing is normal. What would be abnormal is if this DIDN'T affect you. Fortunately, your husband sounds like a very strong, competent person, and he will fix this problem quickly, so you will be able to regain your emotional composure pretty soon.

How great that he was so receptive to your letter. Don't be scared, I'm pretty sure this is all going to be fine, from the sounds of it.

It is pretty easy to get a prescription and then get hooked. The hard part is learning to deal with and ease your pain or get the help you need. If he needs surgery, encourage him to just get the surgery.

I am sure you are on a roller coaster, but please use caution when you share this information. Your husband should be the one to share with his parents about his problem, if he chooses. The only time you should be sharing with them is when the problem is out of control and you need their help. Otherwise, please respect his privacy. Same goes for sharing with friends.

Continue to see your therapist and keep yourself busy. The two of you will get through this together.

Your husband came to you, he admitted that it has gotten out of control. Be thankful many people don't even realize it until it's to late.

My husband has batted addiction on and off for a large percentage of our marriage. It's prescription, due to a bus accident in his 20's, and it's not fun. Yet when there is pain it becomes a catch 22.

I try to remember that he didn't 'do' anything to me. He's done it to himself, and while that is painful to know it's not my burden to carry. I will always support him, and I will always help him, but I will not carry his burden.

Sounds like your husband has a functioning addiction, mine always does to, I can see it when it's starting to happen and usually just pointing it out reels him back in. Keep talking to your counselor, he/she will help you through it.

Yes, I've been through something similar. It was very, very hard to accept at first. But, with time (about two weeks) initally, I started to accept the situation. It took about two months for me to not dwell daily on it. Now, almost 3 years later, I rarely think about it.

The most important part of this is already past. Your husband admitted that he had a problem and is willing to work hard to fix it. He needs you for support. Please try to show him some grace and remember that none of us are perfect.

Some of the best advice I received at the time of our issue was not to play FBI. As women it is natural to constantly listen to our intuition and investigate when we "think" something is wrong. The problem is that you'll always be suspicious and that suspicion will tear your marriage apart. You can ask your husband how he is doing, and when he tells you that he's "doing well" or "good" and not having a relapse, you need to believe him. I mean, he did come to you afterall and admit that he had a problem and that he wants to fix it. So when he tells you he's good, believe him! Don't make something out of nothing. That advice was so true.

Yes, I did talk to a friend when everything was going on and I felt that my world would never be the same again. Just having a confidant whom I could trust not to judge and listen was a big relief.

You two will get through this with love and time. Hang in there. You are not alone and although my situation was slightly different then yours, I know how you're feeling.

First, I think it is great that you have the support of a therapist through all of this. It was a huge bombshell that your husband dropped on you, and I can only guess at how surprised you were by his wanting help.

It's great that he wants help, and great that he was willing to initiate it. My last marriage was destroyed by my ex-husband's addiction to opiates, so I am excited for you that your husband is addressing this.

I had a shock recently when I discovered that one of my dads had been in the hospital for a cancer prostate removal and had suffered some pretty bad complications. I hadn't even been told that he'd even had cancer beforehand; was only told after he had begun leaking fluid into his abdominal cavity, and then spoke to him a few days later when he came home.(he lives a ways away) So, while I was glad he was okay, I was also shocked that the illness had been diagnosed, hurt that I wasn't told sooner, and really frustrated as to what I could do to help or even how to talk with him about it. (He's not the most emotionally-available person.) Having the support of my husband through this really helped and if things had been worse, I likely would have called up the counselor I used to see and scheduled a session.

I think being authentic in how you feel you can help (your aversion to 12-step programs is noted!) is really important. Make sure your needs are not superseded by his desire to participate in group therapy. I am pretty sure you could go to a group session or two and quietly support him, and you could both agree that any aspects of the marriage that need to be addressed will be dealt with in private couples counseling sessions.

Of course there are a lot of feelings to deal with. Take them as they come. It's okay to be grateful that he wants help, and then to feel sad later that day that your family is dealing with this. Feel the feelings and then journal about them if you like, or talk with a very trusted person...whisper them on the wind and then--- let them pass.

Again, keep getting your own support. Know that this is just the beginning. Someone I love recently addressed some hard stuff in their marriage-- the first month was hellish for her, but a couple months out, she's feeling a lot better and glad that the marriage is far more stable than it was before when they weren't dealing with their 'stuff'.

Best wishes for you and your family.

I have been through a shock kind of like that and it was months of talking and second guessing myself and regret and acceptance and healing.

I have a good friend who is a counselor who says it takes on average, 200 times of telling your story before completing your healing. You have quite a while to go. Give yourself permission to do just that. Talk, write, complain, wonder aloud, gripe, then start again, give thanks, words of encouragement, and bonding. Talk.

I understand about groups and taking on their problems. I went on an online board to learn about this particular problem and a couple months on there and I was absorbing problems instead of resolving them. Hard to explain to someone but you know it when it happens.

By several months to a year later, I was much better. I rearranged my priorities. I quit second guessing and running different scenarios in my head. I quit trying to fix things or take on blame that wasnt mine. I started to accept and deal with reality.

You can do this. It's not something that you ever would have chosen but you are strong enough to meet this challenge. Keep talking, we are here.

Of course it's normal! This is a huge adjustment and a lot to take in. I give your husband tremendous credit for admitting his problem on his own - that's so rare and a tribute to his strength. Sounds like he is doing medical and psychological interventions, and that's great. I give YOU credit as well for working on it through therapy, and for admitting that this affects you, not just him!

A lot of the fear and anxiety come from not having known about this, and you are probably questioning your own "radar" if you didn't see the signs. People who become addicted can be extremely good at covering, compensating and diverting attention. You also, no doubt, have fears about what COULD have happened as well as what the future holds. You will be hyper-vigilant for a long time, maybe forever, watching for signs of relapse in your husband. I hope you are not questioning your own actions, but I have to tell you that it's normal if you do.

If your therapist doesn't have a lot of experience with addiction, feel free to ask for a referral to someone who does. That doesn't mean you have to start all over - it could just be a few consultations. Your husband's doctor may be a source for you as well. Just as your husband has faced up to his problem, you will benefit if you face up to your conflicting emotions. All the "what ifs" will play with your mind for a while - what if he hadn't come to me, what if he had overdosed, what if he relapses, what if the treatments don't work, what if he can't hold on at work, what if he can't manage the stress..... and what ifs cause anxiety and fear. There's only one way to go - honesty about what you're feeling and a willingness to accept whatever emotions you have today, which might be different tomorrow. Don't just focus on HIS strength - find, and focus on, and build, your own.

I do suggest you do al-anon if at all possible. This is a group of people that are in the same shoes as you are in. Someone they love is an addict too. You don't have to bond with these people but you do need to hear their stories so that you can find some comfort in them that you are not alone, if nothing else.

I have not gone to them but do know one or two who continue to go even today, after their spouses or children have long been sober and clean. They find such comfort and find they can be that to someone else too so they continue to go.

Going to therapy will help you immensely too. They are there for you to talk to and share your concerns and confusion with. I hope that you feel comfortable with the particular person you are seeing. If you don't then please make sure to visit with the business to see if they have someone else that you can feel better with.

You life has been up-ended.
And you missed it. For a while.
Missed the signs. The lies, the behavior, the excuses, etc.
You know that left untreated, this addiction is the beginning if the end: of your finances, your marriage, your home, your security.
There IS no such thing as a "functioning addict"--at least not for long.
Left untreated, addicts will die or be jailed ( if they're lucky ) or end up in a long term institution due to the health effects of their addiction.
If you've attended Alanon/Naranon, you know this.
Thank God your husband has admitted his powerlessness. Now he can get help. The train CAN be put into reverse.
But he'll always be an addict.
Hopefully, from here forward; O. in recovery.
Not sure why you're not a "fan" of 12 step programs? You DO realize that those are THE most successful recovery programs, right?
If you didn't "like" the O. you attended--find another Naranon meeting.
There is strength in numbers. Those people ARE walking in your shoes.
You don't need to take on their problems, you're all there to lighten your loads. It's great you're in therapy, but give Naranon a chance.
Good luck!