Rocky Marriage

Sounds like you are focusing on his negative traits... and unfortunately we ALL have them. Try to focus on one positive trait everyday and then add a new one the next day. It might be something as small as "He puts his dirty clothes in the hamper." or "He takes out the garbage without being asked." Also, remember the golden rule: Treat him as you would like him to treat you. This may be hard at first because he is not going to expect you to be nice... he'll expect the same old arguments. But when you establish this as a pattern hopefully he'll start responding appropriately and then you'll find what made you fall for him in the first place. Think about why you were attracted to him and why you wanted to marry him. To fix this, it will have to start with you. I would give it a serious try and do all I possibly could before I threw in the towel and called it quits. I have been there, done that, and it wasn't fun, but knew I had to give it my "all" before I realized there was "no saving this marriage".

Your baby is 5 months old. You are tired, he is tired, and you have a baby in the mix. My husband and I went through that too, but if you are willing to hang in there, look for the good and support your husband, even though there are things about him you cannot stand, it'll work out. Try looking for the good in your husband everyday. If you can find one good thing every day soon that will be all that you see.

It is completely normal to go through phases of feeling irritated by your spouse. It is also completely within your power to turn your feelings around. We all tend to get in a place where we only see the bad things in our spouse. And the more you focus on those, the more you will see & the more they will bother you. There in no spouse out there that won't drive you crazy in one way or another. The real question is - what kind of a person in he? Is he kind? Is he honest? Does he have integrity? Those are the things that matter in the long run. The smaller things can be dealt with. And what about you? Are you all of those things? Are there things you do that are bugging your husband? Are there ways you could improve to be a better spouse? We become most unhappy when we are looking outward & noticing every little thing someone else does. Maybe focus on what you are doing to improve/harm your relationship with your husband for a little while. How fun are you to live with? Counseling can be a wonderful thing - with the right counselor. Just make sure you both go into it with the attitude of what can I do to make this work rather than hoping just your spouse will get fixed. When you are bugged by his personality traits it says much more about you than it does him. Don't look to him to make you happy in your relationship. You be happy within yourself by having self-confidence & self-worth. Act "as if" he's the perfect guy for you & you will be surprised at how it inspires good things in him. At don't give up on marriage just because it gets difficult - especially with a child in the mix. Love isn't something that "just happens" to us - it is a conscious choice that requires a lot of work to maintain. Hang in there! The vast majority of us know how you feel - we've all been there from time to time!

J., I recommend reading this recent request and it's answers. I think you will find it insiteful and similar to what you are going through.

http://www.mamasource.com/request/6535945177729597441

What worked for me and my husband when we hit that...lul, in our relationship. He planned a 5 day vacation in Florida for just the two of us. It was the best thing he could have ever done for us. I totally remembered why I loved him and why I married him. You will need more than just a weekend, we had tried that too, and never got the same results. Its more than just "alone time". Its about being adults and friends again. With the yucky economy, do your best but I fully advise you getting some time where your a "woman" not "mommy". It does wonders for your own head!!! Good luck.

J., this is a very important question and I commend you for seeking advice. I hope you will find many helpful responses and take mine for what it is worth. Congratulations on five years of marriage and two children. Both are precious.
As I read your post I felt the strong desires that both you and your husband have to be actively involved in raising your children. You long to be home with them, and he would give up everything to not be separated from them. You have both felt the difficulty of raising daughters without the complete support and involvement of both parents, and I'm sure you don't want that for your baby, if you can help it. Besides, divorce causes more than just heartbreak for the children, it will be heart-breaking for you and your husband as well. All marriages experience highs and lows - that is just part of life. Fortunately there is a glorious alternative to divorce. Your rocky marriage can very likely be transformed into a loving, fulfilling relationship if you are willing to put forth the effort and patience.
I would recommend making a list of things you appreciate about your husband. Maybe begin with just five. Then think of these things several times through out the day and find a way to express them to him. Maybe in a nice note, or verbally. Touch his shoulder, smile at him. Those signs of affection that drew you together at first can be equally powerful now.
Look for ways to please him, to see that his needs are met. If you reach out to him in love, with a willingness to overlook those mannerisms that may annoy you, and give without thoughts of receiving, your relationship will experience a change for the better. Your love for him will grow and your marriage and your life will be happier. (your children will feel the change and be happier too)
I wish you the very best. I know that you are a precious daughter of God and that he loves you and is very interested in the details of your life and desires your happiness. Go to Him in prayer. He is there and He will help you.

Seek help! If you're lds, go to your bishop. it costs nothing.

For the sake of your marriage/family/children, please seek couple's counseling!

Get help. You shouldn't live in a broken marriage. It's bad for the kids. And you shouldn't have to live in fear of him taking your child. My husband and I went to marriage counseling a few years ago and it was the best thing we ever did. A counselor can give you a totally different perspective that you never thought of before. And give you ways to cope with the stresses of marriage and handling your spouses little annoyances. I would do it if you want to save your marriage, and especially if you do get divorced and you want to keep it amicable.

Prayer changes things!

J. I would stongly urge you to get professional help first!! there was something about this man that you had to have liked what drew you to him when you met him? Things can get more difficult when you have a kid(s)so marraige takes more work. It is not easy for anyone to divorce it takes a toll on everyone involved kids mom dad. everyone. I would try something. maybe even go see fireproof the movie?? It may even help??? I will be praying that your marriage can be renewed!!
K. N

Wow, what a bummer. Maybe the two of you need some counseling individually as well as together. Making threats to take kids away is incredibly childish and awful, that just punishes the kids more than anything. So you were married for a while before the baby, did he bug you before that? If so, why move forward with bringing a child in to the world? And you say you want to be with the kids full time, how are you going to do that if you get divorced? Does he make tons of cash that you will get( like over $150k) as child support? I know it is hard to be married sometimes. little things can be irritating, but are you perfect? Unless he is an addict, beats you, controls all the money, emotionally abuses you or any other REAL deal breakers than you have a moral obligation to suck it up and make this work. ( I know it doesn't sound very romantic, but I am trying to get your attention) Nothing is really worth fighting over, especially in front of the kids. Your 11 year old is listening and watching closely everything that is happening now, she will emulate you, is this what you want for her? Or do you want to give her a peaceful home full of love? Sometime's if you just give in, and stop trying to be right the power struggle will stop. Your husband is using the threat of taking away the kids as his power play because he know's it is the thing that would hurt you the most, but if you let go than maybe he will too. Is he willing to get counseling with you? I urge you to ty and work it out, divorce is painful and messy. Good luck.

I hate to even admit this - but I remember going through this with my husband. Granted he doesn't have the ex wife/child baggage, but we went through a period in our marriage when he just irritated me. I think it's normal for a relationship to part and come back together - several times. You just have to see the big picture. If he wasn't someone you loved enough to spend your life with - would you have really married him in the first place? Is he a good daddy? But on the other hand, you have to realize that the constant fighting is effecting your son - even if he is only five months old. Try to work through it - remember the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place and try to find those things again. That is what I had to do - I'm glad I did because we're better than ever now. Marriage is a lot of work - no matter what. Good luck.

Hi sorry to hear about you marraige. I suggest you and your hubby go on a date to see the movie "Fireproof" It is all about the type of situation you are in. There is also a book called the "Love Dare" that I would recommend for you to do. Try not to give up on your marraige. Everyone has annoying habits and no one is perfect. Good luck!
N.

J., it sounds like you should get couple's therapy. It could be the difference between an unhappy marriage or an unhappy divorce, and a happy and fulfilling life together.

Everyone has annoying mannerisms, including you. Letting his get to you is a symptom that something else is wrong. You need to nourish your marriage and actively show love to your husband. Focus on his qualities that you appreciate and are attracted to.

I HIGHLY recommend that you find a good counselor. In the mean time, read The Five Love Languages and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Ask your husband to read the love languages book with you and work on this together.

A marriage is work. If you don't feed it, it will rot and die. Don't let that happen to you. You say you love your husband. Then you have something to save and something to work for.

Good luck and God bless.

This is a toughie. Counseling is a good plan. You might try Dick Mottern, he has offices on Main Street in Parker and I found him very helpful. While I can understand your desire to be home with your kids, quitting your job when things are rocky could be a mistake. Unless it's a really replaceable job. You may find yourself a single mom and then job hunting can be heck.

ok, so I just saw the movie "Fireproof" last night and it was amazing. The acting is not award winning, but if you really want to save your marraige and not just survive it, go see this movie!!!

Cannot stand is very harsh. I mean what things does he do now that he didn't do before you were married? I mean something about him got you to fall in love and marry him. DIg deep and try and remember those things. I would seek counselling. Try to reconnect and save the marriage. I am all for if it isn't going to work, you cannot force it and I do not believe in staying together for children if there is stress and tension in the home. Kids get the worse part of it if you stay and are unhappy!! They need happy parents.
I am very much you do everything you can before you give up. You cannot survive in a marriage when you cannot stand someone. You need to figure out if it is truly the things he does or something else.
As far as his threats, well if he was to live as a fugitive the rest of his life, what kind of life does that give his son. There isn't a judge on the planet that would give a 5 mos old to his father for custody unless you were abusive, which I am assuming you aren't. There isn't a man on the planet either I think that could actually raise a 5 mos old alone either without a good job and a lot of help. So, that said, let him spout off. His threats can be brought to the table in the event you did have to file for divorce.
Do not worry about that now, think of what type of homelife you are giving your kids with the situation it is now and try and fix it!! Good luck and God Bless

I'm a marriage and family therapist and of course I think you should get professional help. Most importantly, see someone who specializes in working with couples, though, because an individual therapist doesn't have the right training to work on couple issues. Ask your husband to go with you ,but go alone if you have to. There are several excellent books you can read as well - I especially like The Divorce Remedy by Michelle WEiner-Davis and my partners and I have written several including Fighting For Your Marriage and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage, by Markman Stanley and Blumberg (I'm Blumberg).

take care, S.

As I first read your question, my thought was that going through periods of irritation and not liking our spouse, and I was going to say stick with it.
Then I read the part about him threatening to take your son and vanish. And that he has said the same about he should have done that with his ex-wife and daughter. This is a real concern - if he's threatening that to keep you, there is a chance that things could escalate. I would seek professional help. Marriage counceling might help - if he's willing to go. But if not, go by yourself. My guess is that he may be doing things to tear down your self-esteem (forgive me if I'm reading more into this than there is) and you need to build it up. If you decide to leave, make sure that you have the support in place to protect you and your son. I'm afraid I don't have more information on how to do that, but a marriage counselor could maybe refer you to something.

I really hope this works out for you. But make absolutely sure that staying with him won't compromise your safety or that of your children, physically or emotionally. Good luck!

Wow, This is scary and I'm sure VERY hard for you. You husband is showing "fight or flight" behavior. I would tend to think he has some childhood issues to deal with. Get your family into counseling. you can both learn new skills of how to do life with each other. The most important thing I have learned in the last 5 years is to NOT fight with my "other" I don't have to. I do not have to "react" and fight with him. If he wants to fight.....DO NOT ENGAGE. When I have changed my behavior in positive ways, it begins to rub off on the others around me (wheather it be my husband, children, siblings or just friends). This is a very significant fact. Also it is a spritual axiom, that if I something bothers me about someone else, there is invariably something wrong with me. Most of all Go to God. He is all compromising, loving, understanding. God Bless you.

Please seek professional help, not only for your marriage if you really want to make that work, but also because he has threatened you! This must be very scary for you to think that he would take off with your baby and you must do everything that you can to protect your child from this. There are wonderful sources that can help you. Another thing that you need to do is have records of your children if anything were to ever happen to them. Not to scare you, but you need to be prepared. Also keep this to yourself! Do not let him find out that you are checking into help if he really could take your child away. Please check in to this and take care. Good luck!

Counseling sounds like a definite must! It's always good to get a 3rd party involved to tell you things that you don't want to hear (you or him) and it's always good to consciously work on your relationship because marriage is work and not smooth sailing. It definitely requires communication, and your hormones are still getting back to normal from having a baby. Exercise is the best medicine from providing endorphines, and endorphines are what make you happy. Are you doing anything that YOU LOVE to do? You should always have family time, me time, and us time -- so important!! Best wishes, D.

J.,

Most marriages have highs and lows.. sounds like you are going through a low. Unfortunately marriage is hard and takes a lot of work to endure and be happy.
Studies have shown that a second and third marriage are 50% more likely to fail.. As my counselor told me - the best grass is not on the other side of the fence - it is on the side you are already watering.
My husband and I are going through a rough time right now as well. Our counselor recommended us several good books - one of which is called "The Five Love Languages". It is a really good book that you could both read together and find some helpful information to apply to your marriage.
I would also recommend for you both to find a marriage counselor together and put in the effort to go.
Marriage is worth fighting for.. and to love someone is a choice.. Don't give up!
Good luck- I wish you the best-

In any relationship the only attitude you have control over is your own. When I start to get irritated with my husband constantly, I start praying for him, and looking for what I can do to lighten things up. Some helpful books I have found help me is:
Power of a Praying Wife By Stormie Omartian
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura.

It sounds like you husband was burned in his last marriage and could use a lot of prayer.

Blessings to you and your family I pray you will continue to stay together and happily

J.,
Hi, I'm going to be blunt so you might not want to read any further. First off I'm sure you did not have any oddities when you married this guy right? You are fixing to upset 3 kids one being only 5 months old because you're "tired" of this fellow. Then what? Someone new and more sophisticated. What happens when you get tired of that guy? From your note it sounds like this is your second marriage?? Did you burn out on the first guy too? It would be a good idea to start putting J. on the back burner and get out of your emotional slump. Marriage gets boring, hard, stressful and easily loses its luster but it is a choice for us to continue to press on inspite of those things. You can overcome all of these obstacles if you'll spend a bit more time focusing on the good things about your husband, marriage and kids. Sounds like you need to put a bit more energy into being thankful and less into how tired you are of your man. You will see a remarkable difference if you change your attitude to gratitude. I do wish you well in being able to stay home with your children and in redirecting your heart! God Bless!!